Miss Suki Is Kooky!

by Dan Gutman

  After Mr. Klutz was finished talking, Mrs. Roopy said she had a few words to say.

  “Miss Suki will probably give you the chance to ask questions,” Mrs. Roopy told us. “Remember, a question is not a story about yourself. A question is when you ask somebody something. And whatever you do, don’t ask Miss Suki personal questions like how old she is or how much money she makes.”

  We all promised to be good listeners and not to ask any stupid questions.

  Well, after three weeks of getting ready, it was almost time for the big day. To tell you the truth, I was getting sick of Miss Suki, and she hadn’t even shown up yet.

  5

  Miss Suki Finally Arrives

  When we got to school the next morning, there was a big sign on the front lawn:

  ELLA MENTRY SCHOOL WELCOMES

  MISS SUKI KABUKI

  FOR AUTHOR DAY AND PICTURE DAY!

  All the girls were dressed up for Picture Day. All the boys were dressed like slobs, as usual.

  After we put our backpacks in our cubbies, Andrea and Emily took out their little mirrors and tried to make themselves look pretty. That would make a good movie—Mission Impossible!

  Miss Daisy told us that our pictures would be taken at the end of the day, after the author visit. Because there was so much going on at school, we would have to miss math. Yeah, baby! I hate math.

  Everybody was whispering, “Where’s Miss Suki?” “Is Miss Suki here yet?” We pressed our faces against the window so we could be the first to see Miss Suki when she arrived.

  And then I saw her! I was looking through the window between our classroom and the hallway when a lady walked by on the red construction paper carpet that was taped to the floor. I recognized her face from the author photo in her book. Miss Suki was pulling a rolling cart with a big box on it. She was a skinny little lady, not much bigger than a kid. It looked like a gust of wind could knock her over.

  “It’s her!” I shouted. “Miss Suki is here!”

  Everybody made a mad dash into the hallway. That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. The wheel of Miss Suki’s rolling cart got caught on the red carpet or something and it made her trip. She fell flat on her face. We all ran over to help her.

  “Why is that paper all over the floor?” Miss Suki asked.

  “It’s not paper,” Ryan told her. “It’s a red carpet, so you could make a grand entrance.”

  “Can you please get rid of it?” she said. “I’ve had a hard day already. My plane was delayed, and the taxi driver got lost on the way over here.”

  “Oooooh, she has her own plane!” somebody said.

  “Oooooh, she has her own taxi!” somebody else said.

  “Are you really the famous children’s book author Miss Suki Kabuki?” I asked.

  “Yes, I am!” she replied, and she shook my hand.

  “Oooooh, I touched somebody famous!” I said. “I’m never going to wash this hand again!”

  “Big deal, Arlo,” said Andrea. “You probably never wash your hands anyway.”

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “So is your face,” I told Andrea.

  “What’s in the box, Miss Suki?” asked Emily.

  “Oh, you’ll find out later,” she said. “It’s my mystery box. But first, can you tell me where the office is? I need to introduce myself to your principal, Mr. Putz.”

  “It’s Klutz!” everybody shouted, and we told Miss Suki how to get to the office.

  We were so excited that we were the first class in school to meet Miss Suki. The bad part was, we had to wait a million hundred hours for her assembly to start. First, she had to visit the kindergarten trolls. After that she had to talk to the fifth and sixth graders. Then she had to have lunch with the teachers. Then she had to sign all the books that kids ordered.

  Finally it was time for our assembly. Andrea and Emily wanted to bring their dumb mirrors along, but Miss Daisy said they couldn’t. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on them.

  We walked a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room. But even I was a little excited by then, so it didn’t seem that far.

  When we finally arrived, we saw an easel on the stage, and Miss Suki’s mystery box.

  I wanted to sit with my friends, but Miss Daisy made me sit between Andrea and Emily.

  “Boy, girl, boy, girl,” Miss Daisy said. “Crisscross applesauce.” (That’s grown-up talk for “Sit down and cross your legs.”)

  When everybody was seated, Mrs. Roopy made a peace sign with her fingers, which means “Shut up.” She was wearing her bird suit again and held a big slab of wood under her wing. It looked like one of those boards my mom uses in the kitchen when she chops up food.

  “Is everybody excited?” Mrs. Roopy asked.

  “Yes!” the girls and even the boys shouted.

  “Look what I’ve got!” Mrs. Roopy said, holding up the slab of wood so we could see. It had shiny metal on the front with the words BLUEBERRY AWARD on it.

  “This is what Miss Suki Kabuki won for The Fearless Falcon!” said Mrs. Roopy. “She just got it yesterday. I can’t believe she said I could hold it! Isn’t that cool?”

  “Wow!” we all said, even though it wasn’t that cool.

  “Well, you kids haven’t been waiting three weeks to listen to me talk,” Mrs. Roopy said. “So, I’m proud to finally introduce Ella Mentry School’s favorite author, Miss Suki Kabuki!”

  6

  Miss Suki Is a Big Crybaby

  Everybody clapped and cheered when Miss Suki came out on stage. Then we all got quiet so we could hear what she had to say.

  “Hello! Thank you so much for inviting me to your—”

  At that very second, the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. All these bells started clanging so loud that we had to cover our ears. Miss Suki freaked out.

  “FIRE!” she shouted. “The school is on fire! Run for your lives!” And then she went running out of the room, hugging her mystery box.

  Miss Suki is kooky!

  It wasn’t a fire. It was just a fire drill. Any dumbhead knows that once in a while the bells ring and we all have to go stand out in the playground.

  “Line up in single file,” Miss Daisy told us.

  We marched out of the school. When we got to the playground, Mr. Klutz was running around trying to catch up with Miss Suki. All the girls were complaining that the wind was messing up their hair and it wouldn’t look good for Picture Day.

  “That would be cool if the school really did burn down,” I told Ryan and Michael.

  “Yeah,” Ryan agreed. “Then we could toast marshmallows.”

  Miss Suki was standing near our class, still hugging her mystery box, when Mr. Klutz finally caught up with her.

  “Maybe this just isn’t my day,” Miss Suki said, shaking her head.

  “Oh, don’t worry,” Mr. Klutz told her. “The fire drill wasn’t supposed to happen today. Nothing else could possibly go wrong.”

  The bell rang again, which meant the fire drill was over. We went back inside to the all-purpose room, and Mrs. Roopy introduced Miss Suki all over again.

  “Well, that was exciting,” said Miss Suki. “Thanks for inviting me to your school. I love books and reading. Don’t you?”

  “Yes!” said all the girls.

  “No!” said all the boys.

  “Books can take you to different worlds,” said Miss Suki.

  “So can spaceships,” somebody yelled.

  “What’s in that box, Miss Suki?” somebody else yelled. Mrs. Roopy jumped up and grabbed the microphone.

  “Please don’t call out any questions yet,” Mrs. Roopy said. “Miss Suki will answer your questions at the end of her talk.” She handed the microphone back to Miss Suki.

  “When I was a little girl growing up in Japan,” Miss Suki said, “my mother took me to the library every week. And by the time I was ten years old, I had read every book in that library. That’s when I knew I was going to grow up and
become a children’s book author.”

  “Wow,” we all said, even though it wasn’t that interesting.

  “Ever since I was little, I loved animals,” Miss Suki told us. “That’s why I write about them and draw pictures of them.”

  Miss Suki drew a picture of a bird on the easel. Well, she didn’t really draw a picture of a bird on an easel. She drew a picture of a bird on a tree, and the picture was on the easel. Anyway, she drew really fast. Miss Suki is a good drawer.***

  “This is Rappy,” she said as she finished the picture. “He is a raptor, and the main character of my book The Fearless Falcon.”

  Then Mrs. Roopy dimmed the lights, and Miss Suki turned on this machine that shows pictures on a big screen. We saw pictures of Miss Suki in the rainforest with all kinds of animals like monkeys and weird birds and stuff. It was cool.

  “May I read you a chapter from The Fearless Falcon?” asked Miss Suki.

  “Yes!” we all shouted.

  Miss Suki read us the part where Rappy sees his reflection in a window and thinks it’s another raptor, so he attacks himself and crashes into the glass. He nearly dies. It was really sad and exciting when Miss Suki read it.

  And then something really weird happened. Miss Suki started to cry. She had to stop reading. Mrs. Roopy gave her a tissue.

  “What’s the matter, Miss Suki?” asked Emily.

  “Remember the letter I wrote you?” Miss Suki asked, wiping her eyes. “I said I would have a big surprise to show you. Well, here it is.”

  She went over to her mystery box and lifted up the latch. Then she opened the door of the box. Do you know what was inside?

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you’ll have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

  7

  Rappy the Raptor Is Cool

  Miss Suki opened the mystery box and took out a big bird. It let out a loud SQUAWK!

  “This,” she announced, “is Rappy. He’s my inspiration for The Fearless Falcon.”

  “Wow!” we all said. Now that really was interesting.

  “I found him on the ground outside a building that was covered with windows,” Miss Suki told us as the bird perched on her finger. “Rappy must have seen his reflection and rammed into the glass, trying to attack it. His parents were nowhere to be found, so I brought him home with me. Poor Rappy nearly died. That’s what gave me the idea for my book.” Miss Suki started crying again.

  I turned around. Some of the kids looked like they were gonna cry too. Sheesh, get a grip! I mean, the bird was still alive.

  Rappy showed off his feathers. He must have been four feet from wing to wing.

  “Squawk! Squawk!” squawked Rappy.

  “He’s intimidating!” whispered Andrea, who likes to show off by saying big words.

  “And scary!” whispered Emily.

  “They had raptors in that movie Jurassic Park,” I whispered to the girls. “One of them ripped some guy’s head off while he was sitting on a toilet bowl.”

  “Stop trying to scare Emily,” whispered Andrea.

  “Rappy is my baby,” Miss Suki said, and she gave Rappy a kiss on his beak. “Isn’t he beautiful?”****

  People who kiss birds are weird.

  Miss Suki told us that Rappy’s talons are four inches long and as sharp as carving knives.

  “If he wanted to, he could kill a lion,” said Miss Suki.

  “Wow!” Michael shouted. “Did you bring a lion, too?”

  “Yeah,” Ryan said, “we want to see Rappy kill it!”

  “Oh, Rappy is harmless,” Miss Suki told us. “He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

  I wasn’t worried about Rappy hurting flies. I was worried about Rappy flying away from Miss Suki’s hand and using those talons to rip my head off.

  “I’m sure he wouldn’t hurt any of our students,” said Mrs. Roopy.

  “Until recently, peregrine falcons were an endangered species,” Miss Suki told us. “Does anybody know what ‘endangered’ means?”

  Andrea’s hand shot up in the air, of course. Any time anybody asks anything, Andrea’s hand is always the first one to go up.

  “‘Endangered’ means there aren’t many of them left,” Andrea said when she got called on. She was all proud of herself. Big deal. Any dumbhead knows what “endangered” means.

  “That’s right,” said Miss Suki. “Peregrine falcons almost became extinct in the 1960s. Does anybody know what ‘extinct’ means?”

  Andrea put her hand in the air, but I guess Miss Suki didn’t want to call on her twice in a row. So I put my hand up, and she called on me instead.

  “‘Extinct’ is when something smells really bad,” I said. “Like, ‘Whew, that extincts!’”

  Everybody laughed, even though I didn’t say anything funny.

  “Good answer, dumbhead,” Andrea whispered.

  “Actually,” Miss Suki said, “a species is extinct when there are none of them left. So I must be very careful with Rappy.”

  Rappy squawked like crazy when Miss Suki put him back in his box. Then she thanked us for listening to her talk. All in all, I’d say her talk was almost not boring.

  8

  Dumb Questions

  We all clapped and cheered again for Miss Suki. You’re supposed to clap at the end of an assembly because you’re so happy that it’s over.

  “That was wonderful,” said Mrs. Roopy. “Does anybody have any questions?”

  “You’re a great arthur!” some kid yelled.

  “Thank you!” Miss Suki said. “But I think you mean author.”

  “I like animals!” another kid shouted.

  “Those are not questions,” Mrs. Roopy said. “Remember, we talked about the difference between questions and stories.”

  The kid who said “I like animals” raised his hand again. Miss Suki let him have another chance to ask a question.

  “Did you know that I like animals?” the kid asked.

  “I didn’t know that,” said Miss Suki.

  “Can I have your autograph?” some other kid yelled.

  “Actually, I just signed four hundred books in the library,” Miss Suki said. “I’m pretty tired.”

  “All right!” I said. “She’ll sign autographs!”

  “Will you sign my cast?” some kid yelled.

  “Will you sign my shirt?”

  “Will you sign my head?”

  Mrs. Roopy jumped up and told us that Miss Suki only had time to answer questions, not sign autographs. So everyone started waving their hands in the air.

  “What’s your favorite color?”

  “What’s your favorite food?”

  “What’s your favorite football team?”

  “What’s your favorite Life Savers flavor?”

  “What’s your favorite reality TV show?”

  It looked like Miss Suki was getting tired of answering questions. But if we stopped asking questions, we’d have to go to math. So everyone kept asking questions.

  “Will you write a book about us?”

  “Did you come here in a limousine?”

  “Can I go to the bathroom?”

  “When do we get our pictures taken?”

  “How much money do you make?”

  “How old are you?”

  Mrs. Roopy slapped herself on the forehead.

  “How old do you think I am?” asked Miss Suki, putting her hands on her hips.

  “Eighty?” someone guessed.

  Miss Suki looked mad. Mrs. Roopy jumped up to tell us there was no more time for questions.

  “I’m forty!” Miss Suki said as we were leaving the all-purpose room. She had on a mean face. I guess she didn’t like our questions very much.

  9

  What’s the Magic Word?

  After the assembly we went back to Miss Daisy’s room. It was almost time for our class to be called down to the gym to have our pictures taken. Andrea and Emily pulled out their little mirrors and
started fixing their hair. It had been a full hour since they last fixed their hair, so they must have had a lot of hair that needed fixing.

  Just then, guess who poked their heads in the door?

  Nobody! Because if you poked your head in a door, it would hurt. But guess who poked their heads in the doorway?

  It was Mrs. Roopy and Miss Suki!

  Mrs. Roopy was holding a stack of books and the Blueberry Award. Miss Suki was rolling Rappy’s mystery box.

  “We have some autographed books,” Mrs. Roopy said as she handed them out. Andrea bought every one of Miss Suki’s books. I didn’t buy a book. Books are boring. Besides, the order form was still in my backpack because I forgot to give it to my parents.

  “Did you write any Dr. Seuss books?” I asked Miss Suki.

  “I believe those were written by Dr. Seuss,” she said.

  “You should write some Dr. Seuss books,” I suggested. “They’re cool.”

  “I’ll think about that,” Miss Suki said.

  “How come Dr. Seuss was allowed to call himself a doctor when he really wasn’t one?” I asked her.

  “You’d have to ask him that,” replied Miss Suki.

  “I can’t,” I told her. “He’s dead.”

  “Do you like cheese?” asked Ryan.

  “Not very much,” said Miss Suki.

  “Will you sign my autograph book?” asked Emily.

  “Oh, okay,” said Miss Suki.

  “Can I have ten autographs for my cousins?” Michael asked.

  Miss Suki didn’t look all that happy, but she started signing the scraps of paper Michael handed her.

  “You should write a book about penguins,” I suggested. “Penguins are cool.”

  “What’s your favorite kind of cheese?” asked Ryan.

  Miss Suki was about to leave when Mr. Klutz made an announcement over the loudspeaker.

  “Miss Daisy’s class, please report to the gym to have your pictures taken.”