Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  She smiled at me warmly. “Mum,” he said shoving her back inside.

  “Hello, Grace,” she said. “I’m Barbara, Robert’s mum.” She held her hand out to me and he rolled his eyes.

  “Jesus, mum. I’m going to town, be back in a bit.”

  “No later than ten, Robert,” she said with a smile, “and who’s going to put this bike away?” He groaned and we continued to walk away. I glanced back to see Barbara watching us and going to pick up the discarded bike.

  ***

  We walked down the street, and suddenly I was nervous. We were just going for ice cream, but we barely knew each other. Was this a date? I didn’t know if he would try to hold my hand, or if he might even try to kiss me. I had butterflies in my stomach at the thought. All the boys I had been out with I knew most of my life and went to school with. They had asked me out at school, and we went to the cinema or to a party together. I had never been out with someone that I didn’t know before, that I had to get to know from scratch. Although it was exciting and different, it also scared me to death.

  We turned on to my street. It was a lofty and forgotten lane that had a number of large detached houses of all types of architecture, laid out in no particular order. They had sprung up over the past fifty years when families had bought land and just designed their own homes. Our house was large, white, and in serious disrepair. It had been my grandfathers’ and my dad Jeff loved it, but Irene didn’t have the energy or the inclination to keep it up to scratch. It wasn’t money she lacked, as she got lots of that from Jeff’s garage that she still owned.

  “Wow, I always thought this street was scary,” Robert said as we headed to Mrs Jones’s house.

  “Really?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Why?”

  “Well, it just doesn’t look lived in, and there are no street lights, and it just seems dark.”

  “It is dark,” I replied and laughed. “Now come on, I need to drop Jess off first, then I just want to put some jeans on.”

  “Ah I like the shorts,” he complimented and winked.

  “I bet you do,” I laughed.

  Mrs Jones’s house was very close to the road. It was a red brick bungalow, and our two houses were the closest in the street. I walked up the front path and Jess ran ahead. Robert stayed by my side unfazed by the strange house.

  “Grace,” Mrs Jones said, approaching the front door as I pushed it open. “You’ve been a while; I was worried.”

  “I’m fine.” I smiled, standing at the door rather than going inside.

  “Are you coming in?” she asked. “I’ve got those pastries.”

  “Maybe tomorrow,” I said softly, grateful but anxious to get going. “I’m going to pop into town with a friend.”

  “Oh,” she said curiously. She walked to the door and looked behind me to see Robert waiting. “I see.” She smiled. “Well, you two have a lovely time.”

  I shook my head and smiled at her. “This is Robert,” I introduced him.

  “Ah, the doctor’s son.” She smiled. I looked back to Robert and he nodded, shrugging at me.

  “See I’m famous,” he said with a grin.

  “Well, hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow, Grace,” she said breezily and with that, we said our goodbyes.

  “Your dad’s a doctor, eh?” I asked.

  “Yep, he sure is, and the old dears love him. She’s probably seen my picture on his desk. She must be a regular.”

  I laughed. “Probably.” We walked next door. “This is my house, my mum has a migraine,” I lied. “So, best just wait out here if you don’t mind.”

  “No probs, it’s a nice day. I’ll top up my tan.”

  “I won’t be that long,” I sighed.

  I ran inside and mum was nowhere to be seen. The house was still and grey in the late afternoon as sunshine filtered into the hall. I rushed upstairs, changed my small shorts for a pair of jeans, threw on a new white shirt, grabbed my handbag, and ran my fingers through my hair. I quickly applied some mascara, blusher, and lip gloss, and rapidly brushed my teeth. Then I ran back downstairs in record time to find Robert sprawled back across our large grey step. I stood over him until he opened his eyes under my shadow.

  “Ready?” he asked, springing up.

  “Yep.” I nodded. He took my hand and we walked into town. It was then that I realised that this must be a date.

  Six

  Now

  “Bye,” I said to Groucher and Dean as I left the kitchen.

  “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Groucher shouted. “See you tomorrow.”

  “Night,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  I made my way through the doors with Robert’s gaze fixed on me as I walked towards him at the bar.

  “Ready?” he asked as I reached him.

  I nodded. He took my coat and helped me into it. I turned to face him and he smiled, his blue eyes shining.

  “Let’s go.” I led the way and he placed his hand on the small of my back as we waded through the bustling diner.

  The crisp air hit me as we left and I pulled my coat tighter. “So what do you want to do?” he asked. “Shall we go to a pub and get a drink and just have some dinner there?”

  “Sounds lovely.” I smiled tightly. I was so nervous and I hoped he couldn’t tell. He looked at me a little longer than he should have once I spoke, and my breath caught. This was ridiculous. It had been so long and now as I stood there, it felt like yesterday and the loss washed over me again. Not the loss I felt seven years ago, but the loss I felt now looking at him and knowing that he wasn’t mine anymore.

  “Come on,” he whispered as he touched my arm and led me into the wind. “I know a place up here.” We arrived five minutes later at a small pub named The Plough. I had seen it before but had never been inside. It was small and fairly busy, but it was traditional and not as trendy as so many other places around Leicester Square. We made our way to the bar. “What are you having?” he asked.

  “Just a white wine,” I said. I needed some Dutch courage.

  He nodded to some empty seats. “Go and sit down.”

  I found a seat and took my coat off, settling on to the bench seat against the wall. He brought the drinks, a wine for me and a pint of lager for him, and then he sat on the stool opposite me.

  “I would have taken you somewhere nicer, but the weather is awful. Maybe one in here and keep moving?”

  I smiled, “so we’re making a night of it then?” I giggled.

  He caught my eye with a serious face. “We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

  “So …” I said.

  “So …” he took a deep breath and I did, too. He wanted an innocent catch up and I was about to rock his world. “What have you been doing for seven years?” he asked.

  I took a sip of my wine and smiled at him. “Well, you’ve seen it. I work at Grouchers and have for years. I live in Bethnal Green with my friend, Maria. We have lived together for years and that’s it.”

  “No man in your life?” he asked, “I was sure you’d be married with kids by now.”

  “I shook my head. “So what about you?”

  “Well after we split up I focused on sixth form and applied to Oxford. I studied law and then did my LPC in London. I followed some crazy girl down here years ago and fell in love with the place.” He smiled; it was heartbreaking as I could see in that smile the hurt that I felt, too. It had been hard. It was still hard to remember and it was so good to see him as he was now, settled and sorted. “I work at a firm called Fosters Hallam. We’re multinational and I work long hours, but it’s worth it.”

  “I’m so glad everything worked out for you.” I smiled.

  He placed his hand on mine. “I never forgot you, Grace.”

  I shook my head. “Things happened the way they should have; it’s fate.”

  “No,” he said, squeezing my hand. “I chose to walk away, and I see you now, and I’m not sure it was worth it.”

  I gasped, we had
barely had a drink, and he was baring his soul.

  “Please, Robert, come on. It’s just the shock of seeing me again that’s bringing all the emotions back to the surface.”

  “You’re telling me,” he said as he took a deep breath. “I feel like I have to tell you everything, have to get everything out in case I never see you again.”

  “Robert,” I looked down and gulped my wine. “Please, I can’t take you being so nice to me.”

  “Why?” He squeezed me again. “Grace … I …”

  “Robert, listen, please.” I took another gulp, and he looked at me with concern. He could see I was building up to something. “You’re gonna hate me when I tell you this.”

  He narrowed his eyes as tears filled mine. “Not possible,” he said, leaning towards me.

  “The day you left, the day that you went home and I stayed here … well I found myself a job at a hotel and a bedsit to stay in, all in the same day.” I closed my eyes as the words fell out of my mouth. “I worked at the hotel night and day trying desperately to forget you, forget what we had, and I drank a lot to numb the pain.”

  He nodded, trying to follow my ramblings. “I worked there for three months, and a girl I worked with, who was older than me, mentioned how fat I was getting and asked jokingly if I was comfort eating. I was barely eating a thing, so I didn’t pay any attention. Anyway, then it started to click into place and I noticed how large I was.”

  What are you saying Grace?” Robert asked through gritted teeth.

  “I was pregnant,” I mumbled as tears streamed down my face. “By the time I had it confirmed I was six months pregnant.”

  “What?” Robert said in shock.

  “I had our baby,” I said in a whisper, and wiped the sad tears away from my face as I tried to gain some control.

  “What?” He repeated as he shook his head. “You fuckin’ what?” he whispered, his eyes blazing into mine.

  “When you left I was three months and didn’t realise, and when I knew it had already been so long and I couldn’t go back, I just …”

  “Well, what happened? What did you have? Did you give it up for adoption? What?”

  “No, no.” I shook my head. “It was a girl, she’s amazing, she’s six, her name is Devon. She lives with me.”

  He stared at me in disbelief. “I have a daughter?”

  I nodded, but this time I reached out for his hand. I wanted him to touch me like he had before, before he knew my secret. He pulled away and leaned back on his stool, hands behind his head processing the information. “Devon? Wow.” But as the information sunk in, his face changed.

  “For fuck’s sake,” he muttered and stared into my eyes, anger wading into them. “You must be kidding me? You have to be joking?” He took deep breaths and panted, leaning forward on the table. People started to take notice, and all I could do was watch. What more could I say?

  “Why didn’t you tell me? You knew where I was, knew how to reach me, I trawled this city for you, desperately trying to find you to say sorry. I wanted to make things right.” Did he? I was stunned. I always assumed he had made the right decision for him. He shook his head. “You always knew how to find me and you never did.”

  I was dumbstruck. I had no idea what to say. “Why did you not tell me? Why would you not tell me this?”

  “I … I just thought you’d be getting on with your life, that you would have moved on, and it'd be better if we just stayed hidden.”

  “Bollocks!” he raged. “If you felt anything for me you would never have kept this from me.” He looked at me solemnly.

  “It wasn’t like that Robert. I wanted to let you get on with your life. I thought this was my burden. It was too late for an abortion, and I thought I should deal with it, suck it up. But ...” I smiled. “From the moment I saw her, it was a miracle. It was like the most amazing gift anyone had ever given me.” I looked him in the eye. “I didn’t exclude you on purpose, there just never seemed a right time to tell you, especially since I hadn’t told you straight away. Then there was your mother and her plans for your career, and teenage pregnancy in our town was like leprosy, curable, but still a social faux pas.”

  “This is bullshit!” he whispered. “I have a daughter that I have never met, and you kept her from me.”

  “I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “There’s nothing I can say to defend myself.”

  He shook his head. “I never thought I could hurt more than when we broke up, but you just ripped my fucking heart out.” He stood up grabbed his coat and stormed out of the pub.

  ***

  “So he just walked out?” Maria asked, a little over an hour later as we sat on our sofa with a glass of wine.

  “Yes,” I sniffed. “I have no idea why I am so upset.”

  “Shock,” Maria patted my hand. “All this has just happened so suddenly and you haven’t had time to even think.”

  I shook my head and sipped my wine. “He’s right, I should have gone home, should have told them all. Hell, I wasn’t on the streets like you. I had somewhere to go. I didn’t deserve my place at Jackie’s.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous!” Maria scolded. “I knew you then, remember. You were just as alone as me, and your home was not a walk in the park. Your boyfriend had just left you, and it was understandable that you didn’t want to go home to live with your mother whilst Robert lived it up with his college mates.”

  “I was selfish, thinking about me and not Devon.”

  “You were seventeen, Jesus. Who isn’t selfish at seventeen?” Maria shoulder bumped me, and I smiled at her, “Now no more sad sack, let’s get a grip on this situation. All your secrets are out in the open, and it didn’t go down well. Well when would it have? If you’d have told him at six months pregnant, nine months, or when Devon was born, it would always have been a shock. He can do what he wants now, but he knows and so you can finally relax.”

  I sighed. “You’re so God damn right,” I said as I gulped some wine. “Onwards and upwards and sod 'em all.”

  “There you go; the bitch is back!”

  “She certainly is.”

  “I wonder what he’ll do next?” Maria asked. “By what you’ve said, it sounds like he’s still keen on you.”

  “Not any more.” I smiled. “He was so angry with me, I could see it in his eyes.”

  “Well not many men would race to Grouchers the day after their ex was spotted. He was there first thing, too.” She widened her eyes to me as she took a sip of her wine. “That’s not revival; that never bloody died!”

  “Whatever. Anyway, let’s focus. Now I’ve told him, so I need to have a chat with Devon tomorrow just in case he wants to see her.”

  “Oh thank goodness Max’s dad is a druggie who’s probably OD'd by now, and can’t remember his own name let alone mine,” she joked with a wink. “Makes things a bit less messy.”

  “Maria,” I said. I laid my hand on hers. Despite what I had been through, she had lived through much worse. She was always so jovial about it, though. She had had it tough, and here I was whining about my charmed life. It would be hard for Max if Devon did connect with her father, and we would all have to deal with that. We would have to pull together. As teenagers we thought being their mother and father would be enough, but they started asking questions a few years ago, and so the awkward explanations began.

  “Right, let’s change the bloody subject,” I said. “No more shit, only gossip. Tell me about any hot men in your office.”

  “That’s more like it,” Maria said.

  ***

  The next morning Maria was rushing. The kids were up just after seven, and she was running around the flat like a mad woman getting things together for her day. “I need to be on the tube at eight am,” she kept emphasising. “I can’t find my phone. Ah! Max have you had it?” Max shook his head as he sat next to me on the sofa. We were all eating cereal in our pyjamas whilst Maria tore around.

  “Calm down,” I said, jumping up to help. “What e
lse do you need?”

  “My brain.” She smiled. “God, I need to make a good impression and I am, in fact, a mad woman.”

  “You are not,” I said looking under some bills on the dining table and retrieving her phone. I handed it to her and she smirked at me. “Breathe. Now go and be professional.” She kissed the kids, grabbed her briefcase, and was gone.

  “Wow,” Max sighed as I sat back down between them on the sofa. “I’ve never seen mum move that fast. She needs to organise her things the night before,” he said knowingly, and I laughed.

  “Very true Maxie, when did you become so clever?” I teased him. “Now come on eat up and uniforms on, no dawdling.”

  “Mum, I’ve got tummy ache. I shouldn’t go today.”

  “Really? You feel sick?”

  “No we have a spelling test,” Max snitched and rolled his eyes.

  “No, my tummy hurts,” Devon whined.

  “I think it’s the test,” he said quietly as he walked to put his dish in the sink.

  “Come on, Devon, quick mummy cuddle, then uniform on and get school to ring me if you are feeling poorly.”

  “I’ll get dressed,” Max said, making his way out of the room. No doubt he was headed to play in his bedroom until I got in there to hurry him along.

  Devon climbed onto my lap and her blonde hair splayed across me as she cuddled me tightly. “Oh baby,” I said kissing her head. “Is it that bad?”

  “I suppose not,” she sighed. “But I am worried about the test.” I laughed and hugged her tighter. “Come on let’s get dressed. Just think, tonight we will get Chinese and watch a film. And no more school for two days.”

  She broke out into a grin and ran to her room. She and Max were still sharing. Maria and I were aware that they were getting a bit too old for that, being of the opposite sex, and getting increasingly irritated by each other’s habits. We joked about moving into a room together and letting them have their own rooms, as there were neither men for us, nor any interest in men, really. Our lives seemed full enough, and it had never come up. In reality, we would have to move. I quietly worried that Maria would want to end our little arrangement, and maybe go it alone. Perhaps she wanted her independence. She had never said anything, but how long could our situation last? Surely one of us would meet someone one day. Hell, we were only twenty-four years old.