Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  I pushed the thought away and wondered how I was going to speak to Devon about Robert’s reappearance. It would have to be just us two, and somewhere that we wouldn’t be interrupted. Perhaps tomorrow we could just go for a walk to the park together, maybe get a coffee and a cake. I had tried to erase yesterday from my memory, tried to forget Robert’s face that went from happiness to horror in the blink of an eye. I had spent all day yesterday at work excited to see him and I was revelling in the thought that he was excited, too. However, I knew what was to come and hoped it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. It was worse. I imagined him being angry, I imagined him hating me for what I decided to do, but I hadn’t imagined how much it would hurt me. To hear that he looked for me, that he wanted me after that day at the train station, and then for him to say I ripped his heart out … wow.

  I needed to bury it all. I needed to forget exactly how Robert Banford made me feel. I needed to forget how he was the centre of my universe when I was a kid and how he made me feel loved when no one else did. I needed to forget that he broke my heart and since then it had never healed. I needed to forget the way my heart stuttered when I saw him at the diner and I needed to realise that this man was a far cry from the boy that I fell in love with.

  “Right, you two.” I made my way into their room. I was now fully dressed in my uniform and they were still struggling to get it together. Devon had managed underwear, vest, tights and skirt, but Max had only managed underwear. Typical man. “Come on, speed it up.” I glanced at my watch, 8.30. “We need to be out the door in five,” I said, getting Devon’s shirt and jumper and helping her with them. “Shoes,” I said and then turned to Max, the disaster, as he was pulling his trousers on. “You’re like an unmade bed,” I told him and laughed. “Now come on, shirt on and tuck it in.”

  I managed to get them in order, and we left to walk to school. I held their bags and lunch boxes whilst they sped ahead on their scooters. I strolled easily and enjoyed the crisp air. My mind still wandered, but I kept it in check.

  I made it to work fifteen minutes early. “Wow,” Groucher said. “Early in after a hot date.”

  “It wasn’t a date Groucher. An old friend, that’s all,” I said, hanging my coat up. He could tell from my tone not to probe.

  Lyndsey was giggly and telling me about her most recent night out and how she had met “the one.” God, women my age were really boring, or perhaps Maria and I were just old before our time. I smiled to myself at the thought.

  “So how was your night?” she asked, widening her eyes for dramatic effect. “He was gorgeous. So corporate and sexy and blonde, ooo he looked to die for.”

  “What?” I asked, trying to dodge the question.

  “The guy who came in yesterday morning, Groucher said you went out.”

  “Oh, that, he’s an old friend, practically family, nothing there.” We stood with full trays and I turned round into Robert. His face was crumpled and his eyes were sunken, the blue sparkle momentarily dull.

  “Oh,” I said, shocked as I turned.

  “Hi,” Lyndsey said breezily. She took one look at him and then at my reaction and tightened her mouth as if to say, “Practically family, my arse.”

  “Grace …” Robert stepped towards me, and I scooted around him to take the tray to the kitchen.

  “Take a seat,” I said as calmly as I could. “I’ll be out in a sec.” I barrelled into the kitchen and took a few deep breaths, checked my appearance in the shiny extractor fan, and walked back out.

  He sat at the bar; the diner wasn’t too busy, it wasn’t lunchtime yet and we were just preparing for the rush. I approached and he looked up.

  “You look like shit,” I said, standing as close to him as I dared.

  “Really? Wonder why.”

  “Don’t you work? You always seem to be here.” I smiled.

  “Can we talk?”

  I saw Lyndsey float past. “I’m taking five, Lynds,” I said, and she nodded. “Let’s go outside.”

  “Okay.” I led him to the street and we set off walking. It was cold and I didn’t have my coat, so I hugged myself for warmth.

  “Grace, yesterday was a big surprise.”

  I nodded. There was nothing I could say.

  He turned to me and we stopped walking. “What you told me … it’s messed me up. I mean, I thought I knew about us not being together, and this just makes it all totally different.”

  “Why?” I sighed. He pulled me away from the traffic of people and back towards a shop wall where we stood facing each other. I had nowhere to run or hide.

  “I’ve spent the last seven years missing you, Grace.” He said it so simply and had genuine affection in his eyes. “God, some days, those first few months, it drove me crazy thinking about you down here, living your life, getting on with everything that we wanted to do together. You were doing it all on your own.”

  “You could have been here, Robert, you walked away, not me,” I blazed.

  “We were too young. We were doing stuff that we could wait to do, bills, jobs, and responsibility. We were too young and …” he trailed off. “God, Grace, you don’t know how many times I wish I could go back, not get on that train, not leave you. But I did it and I can’t change that.”

  I nodded, “Robert, I … I don’t know what to say.”

  “That’s the thing, when Owen saw you, I didn’t care what you would think or who you were with, I had to see you, too. I had to see you were okay, alive, and well. I just had to see you, and I’d dreamed about it so many times and you look … amazing.” I smiled at him and hugged myself closer as his words washed over me. “But now you’ve changed it because all this time you can’t have felt that for me. If you did, you would have wanted to be with me just as much, especially since you had our baby.”

  “What?”

  “If you’d have loved me as much as I loved you, then you had the advantage, you knew where I was, and you knew how to contact me, but you didn’t, you never did. You just got on with it all, and you kept my daughter from me. You can’t have loved me like I loved you, Grace. You’ve broken my heart twice. Whatever I thought we had was a lie.”

  I stared at him straight into his eyes and held my emotions in check long enough to say, “Fuck you!” And with that, I marched into the crowd and made my way back to the diner, tears blazing down my cheeks. I didn’t get far before he pulled me back, his hand on my arm.

  “Then tell me, tell me that’s not fucking true.”

  “Oh, Robert.” I covered my face with my hand, “What do you want me to say in the God damn street?” I looked around to see people look as they walked past. “You’re right, I never loved you, I hated you!” I shouted. “I hated you so much because you were the only person that loved me, you were the only person I depended on, you were the only person who made me happy, you were the only person who knew every awful thing about my life, who knew every detail! The day you left you threw that all back in my face!” I screamed. He held my arms, glared at me, and took deep breaths of anger.

  “I should never have done any of that Grace.”

  “Well you did and I didn’t want to come home, up the duff to a drunken mother, and a prick ex-boyfriend who finally revealed his true colours. Jesus, Robert, this is pointless. I need to get back to work.” I raced for the door.

  “I’ll be here at six!” he shouted after me.

  “Don’t bother!” I shouted back.

  I texted Maria and warned her that I may be late home again, but to order the usual from the Chinese and I would warm mine up. She understood and simply responded, Robert? I answered yes, and that I would fill her in at home. She was either satisfied with that or very busy at work. I wasn’t sure whether he would turn up or whether I wanted him to or not. I should have known this wouldn’t be easy, this should be about Devon, but instead Robert was making it about us. All the years apart had built up some sort of ideal that I could not live up to, and now he was questioning an argument we had seven years a
go. I could say I didn’t even remember, but in reality I could replay every word in my head. At the time I hated him, I had hated him for the venom, for the unnecessary words, but over the years, hearing so many other sorry tales at Jackie’s, I knew they were just words. They were things said in the heat of the moment.

  My mind was swimming when Anna started her shift. She was also fishing for information about the 'hottie' who had met me the day before. I just ignored her. Six approached and there was no Robert. I was a little disappointed and relieved at the same time. I could get to the comfort of my home with my family, eat Chinese, and forget, or at least try to, until our next crazy encounter.

  I grabbed my coat and had my phone out to text Maria as I left. I walked through the front door into the wind and there he was. I looked up at him and he smiled shyly.

  “Can we start again?” he asked. My heart pounded, what did he mean? “Can we just forget the crazy and rewind to yesterday when you told me I have a daughter.” I looked at him dumbfounded. “Because rather than all the shit I did say, what I’d like to say is, please, can I meet her? Please can I be a part of her life?” His eyes softened and I gave him a wary smile.

  “Robert, the past is …”

  “Gone, I know. We can’t re-do and there’s no point mulling it over. Trust me, it’s all I’ve spent the last twenty-four hours thinking about.” He moved closer to me. “Grace, I know you loved me and I loved you, and we’re different people now. I was crazy before, but I’ve calmed down now.”

  “Good,” I said stepping back from him. “I’m gonna miss my bus.”

  “Let me drive you.”

  I shook my head. I couldn’t face any more emotional tennis right now and I felt exhausted.

  “Then a drink?”

  “Robert, what more do you want to say?”

  “I don’t know.” He looked at his feet. “I just don’t want this to be weird, and I want us to swap phone numbers. I want to meet Devon, and I want us to be friends.”

  “We’ll always be friends.” I looked up and saw him smile; he knew me better than anyone, even Maria. “You can have my number, but please no more theatrics. Hate me for what I’ve done, but let’s not rake up the past.”

  “I don’t hate you.” He touched my cheek. “Far from it.” I pulled away and still had my phone in my hand.

  “Give me your number, I’ll call you, and then you have mine. Also, you look like Hell, try and get some sleep. I take it you missed work today?”

  “Worked from home.” He grinned. “You worried about me, Grace?” I smiled tightly whilst he rattled his number off. I typed it in and called him.

  “Now I need to get my bus,” I said, and he didn’t argue this time.

  I missed my bus but waited ten minutes for the next one. When I was onboard and staring out of the window as the lights flew past me outside, my phone beeped.

  We’ll make this work Grace, when can I meet my daughter?

  I didn’t know how to reply. Perhaps having a doting father was going to be hard work. I’d never shared her before.

  ***

  I was home for half past seven and Maria was snuggled up with the kids on the sofa.

  “We ordered ten minutes ago so it should be here in a bit,” she said over her shoulder. “Go and get changed, wine in the fridge.” I smiled at her and dragged myself into the bedroom. I was so tired today and felt drained from all the arguing, but at least Robert seemed more reasonable than the last time I had seen him.

  The Chinese food arrived and we ate, chatted, and watched a film. At nine the kids went to bed, and then Maria and I could actually speak.

  “You looked awful when you came in,” she said. “At least the kids have cheered you up.”

  “Yeah,” I sighed. “He showed up this morning. I took five minutes to talk to him and he went ballistic, was spouting shit about how I didn’t love him back then. He was mental and then I had to go back to work. Then he turned back up at six.”

  She sighed, “Wow, the poor guy is probably pretty messed up, to find out you have a child that you knew nothing about must be hard.”

  “I get that,” I said. “And I was prepared for that, but not all this stuff about how I didn’t love him. God, he left me and I’m the baddie.”

  “How did you leave it?”

  “He’s got my number, look,” I said as I held out my phone to show her the message. “I think we need to park all the stuff about us and focus on Devon. If he wants a relationship with her then that should be our priority. All this crap doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “Obviously it does to him,” Maria said. “Look, it’s gonna be hard. You two had unresolved angst anyway, enter a secret child, and it’s a big old mess.”

  “True.”

  “Just play it by ear, speak to Devon, let them meet, and take baby steps. You two can be friends, I’m sure.”

  “Oh yes,” I replied as I nodded, gulping my wine. “We can be friends, but I got the feeling that before I landed the bombshell he wanted more.”

  “How do you feel about that?” Maria asked.

  “Scared,” I said.

  Seven

  Eight Years Earlier

  Since that night that we had ice cream, Robert and I had been inseparable. The long summer days and nights were filled with lazing around in the sunshine, bike rides, cinema trips, and walking Jess. We were both starting sixth form the following September but at different schools. It was refreshing to get to know someone new and start from scratch; I could be anyone I wanted.

  I became a regular visitor to the Banford home where I became well acquainted with Barbara, a former teacher and now stay at home mother, Robert Senior, a local GP, and Robert’s three younger brothers, Michael, 14, Joseph, 12, and Owen, 10. Barbara was very different from my own mother. She was involved in every aspect of the boys’ lives and interested in everything they did. She would wait on them with drinks when they were sun bathing, she washed, ironed, and put away all Robert’s clothes. I teased Robert about this mercilessly. She drove the boys wherever they wanted to go and had to know where Robert was going at all times. I would have found that sort of interest suffocating, but it was normal for Robert, and so I couldn’t comment too much. It was obvious that Barbara was fiercely protective of her boys. She welcomed me into the fold, but I knew that meant I had to tow the line, too. I hadn’t told Robert much about my family, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out we had issues.

  I was still working at the café and Robert and I had been seeing each other for two weeks. He hadn’t officially asked me out, but we spent most of our free time together, kissing and fooling around, if we had any privacy, and so it was a given really. All my other boyfriends had always started by asking me out and then had taken me on dates, then kissed me, but we were never really close friends. Robert was the first boy I was seeing that I actually liked as a friend, too, and he made me laugh out loud. He had done a good job of replacing Rachel and Jane whilst they were away and he was very affectionate, which made me feel amazing.

  The café had hired another boy from my year at school, Ryan Tracey. He was in a few of my classes, but I didn’t know him very well. I had seen him at parties and he was one of the more popular boys, but we certainly weren’t close friends. My hours had been increased to six hours some days as it was getting busier, and I relished the idea of some extra cash for my escape account. Ryan and I chatted easily, he was kind of funny, in a slapstick sort of way, and he was easy to get along with. He had a bravado about him that most boys my age had when they knew they were attractive, but I just ignored that part of him and we got on fine. It was a busy Friday and the weather was hot. Robert was coming to work to meet me and we were going to get the bus into Blackpool and hang around on the pier, probably go on the rides, the slots, and eat candy floss. I was excited.

  “So,” Ryan asked as I was clearing away some plates and watching the clock until finish, “What you doing tonight? Blake Molton is having a party, his parents a
re away.”

  “Oh,” I said casually. “I’m going to Blackpool, to the pier.”

  “Who with, that dumb Rachel you hang around with?”

  “No,” I said coolly as I narrowed my eyes. How did he know who I hung around with? “A friend.”

  “A boy?” he asked, cheekily crossing his arms and leaning on the table I was clearing.

  “Yes.” I couldn’t hide my smile.

  “Oh,” he said, “So you’ve got a boyfriend?”

  “Well …” I began, “We’ve been seeing each other a couple of weeks; it’s not official, I suppose.” I rolled my eyes as Ryan began to smile.

  “So you’re available?” he asked raising one eyebrow. I shook my head laughing and when I looked up Robert was standing there and did not look happy.

  “Oh, hi,” I squeaked, looking to Ryan and back to Robert, panicking. Did he just hear what I said? Oh, God. Did he think I was flirting?

  Ryan walked over to Robert. “Hey bud, Ryan.” He held his hand out. “Me and Grace go to school together.”

  “Well, we do,” I mumbled, approaching Ryan from behind to get between them, as Robert still didn’t look happy. “But we barely know each other.”

  “But now we work together.” Ryan nodded. Robert didn’t shake his hand, and so Ryan walked away mumbling something that sounded like “rude.”

  “Hi,” I whispered when we were alone. There weren’t any customers, it was four in the afternoon and we were getting ready to close. I leaned into him and gave him a peck on the cheek. He was stony faced but gave my hand a squeeze.