Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  “Oh, well then.” I rolled my eyes, smiling. “I’d just be in the way,”

  “No, mum.” She laughed. I hugged her from behind as she concentrated on a high ponytail.

  “Need any help?” I asked.

  “No,” she sighed, offended. “Ponytails are easy.”

  “Of course.” I laughed. “I’ll make us a snack and then I’m setting off for work okay?”

  “Okay!” she shouted.

  As I left her room Maria and Max walked back in. “Okay?” she asked breezily with wide eyes, arms laden with shopping bags.

  I smiled and nodded. “No issues.”

  “Of course not.” She smiled. “She’s adaptable like her mother.”

  ***

  Maria was going to get Devon ready. Robert would pick me up at six and then we would drive to collect her. I was looking for him anxiously from about half past five. Even after all these years, he still made me nervous. I desperately wanted to be near him, wanted to speak to him, to see him, and yet it could never be the same as it had been. I was so busy, and Groucher was in a foul mood. He was barking orders so that Anna and I were running to and from the kitchen like mad women. I didn’t notice straight away when Robert sat at the bar, but as I hurried past him, I glanced up and our eyes caught. My heart raced and I inwardly gasped, hoping he didn’t see. He smiled shyly and looked down. I smiled and carried on walking to the table I was serving. He wore dark blue jeans, a light grey woollen coat, over a dark jumper, and black leather dress shoes. His blonde hair was unruly and he had the twinkle back in his blue eyes. I must have looked a sight in my uniform, with my fringe plastered to my head and day old make up worn away.

  “You want a drink?” I asked as I walked back past, getting my breath back.

  “No thanks,” he replied as he shook his head. He seemed nervous. I nodded and walked to the kitchen.

  As I pushed through the door Anna was waiting. “Three times in three days. Boy’s got it bad.” She smirked.

  “What’s this?” Groucher asked.

  “Bloody Grace has that gorgeous blonde man waiting for her again.”

  Groucher raised an eyebrow, “Not like you to get a boyfriend, Grace,” he said.

  “Hey, he’s not my boyfriend, and what’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing.” Groucher shook his head and looked back to his orders.

  “He means,” Anna said in a whisper, leaning in whilst holding two plates ready to head out the door, “that you never gave him the time of day, and no wonder if you have hotties like the blonde on your tail.”

  “Hey …” I frowned, shaking my head. She really was a nosey cow. Perhaps meeting Robert here wasn’t a great idea. I helped Anna close down the rush for the next ten minutes and stole glances at Robert. He played on his phone and nursed a Coke, ordering one after all. Eventually the rush died down, and I made my way into the back to get my coat. I splashed my face with water in the small wash-basin in the staff room and applied some mascara and perfume.

  “Have fun,” Groucher shouted as I left, “with your friend!” He said it sarcastically and I winced. I really must have led the life of a nun up until now for them to be so interested in an old friend who had met me just three times at work.

  “Ready?” Robert asked, jumping off his stool when he saw me walk out with my coat on. I nodded, and he reached out his arm to guide me to the door.

  “Bye, Grace!” Anna shouted. I waved behind me.

  “Urgh,” I said as we stepped in to the cold. “They’re all so nosey.” I laughed.

  “Really?” he raised an eyebrow. “Men don’t wait for you every night I take it?” He laughed.

  “You’re the first one.” I smiled. He nodded and we began to walk.

  “Grace …” he began. “I just want to say before we do this, that I know I’ve been all over the place, but that’s not me.”

  “I know,” I said.

  “I’m not gonna just meet Devon and be crazy. I’ve dealt with it now. I was annoyed, you know that, but I accept that things were fucked up, and I have to take some responsibility for that.”

  “Plus we were teenagers, Robert. Shit, I had no idea what I was doing by excluding you, by denying Devon her daddy and her family. Heaven knows we haven’t got any other family.”

  He sighed. “And of course when my mum finds out …”

  I exhaled loudly. “She’ll go mad,”

  “She’ll want to meet her,” he said. “She’ll be shocked, but she’ll want to be a grandma and my dad a grandad.”

  “Of course,” I whispered. He turned to me and took me in his outstretched arms.

  “I don’t want to take her away or anything, I just want to be there, know her. Everyone will, and I hope you can allow that.”

  “I would never let you take her away,” I snapped.

  “I meant … ah … that came out wrong. I meant that I want to fit in with you and … jees …” He sighed.

  “I know.” I turned away from him and started to walk again. “Sorry, I know what you mean. You want to be part of her life, that’s great, but I’m her mum, okay?”

  He nodded. “Let’s not fall out.”

  I smiled and shoulder bumped him. “We’re not falling out, just discussing.”

  “Of course.” He threw an arm around me and held me to him. “You look so gorgeous all grown up,” he whispered. “In all the madness I forgot to tell you that.” I smiled and looked up at him.

  “You too.” At that moment his mobile phone rang and he fished it out of his pocket, breaking our sideways embrace. He turned it off immediately. He replaced his arm again and led me to his car. There was something so natural, so comforting, and so intoxicating about his touch that I felt the years melting away, and Robert Banford affecting me as he always had. This was dangerous, and it made me realise that all these years hadn’t allowed me to let Robert go. Every day Devon had kept his memory alive in me, and my heart couldn’t let go of the one person who had made me feel complete.

  ***

  Robert led me to a black BMW 3 Series that was parked on the street, round the corner from the diner. It was newly registered and so couldn’t be more than two months old. Not many people drove in London. There was no need to due to the amount of public transport, the traffic being terrible, and the new congestion charge. Clearly that didn’t affect Robert and his obvious wealth. His car was so much more than I would ever have. He smiled shyly as he unlocked it and nodded towards his shiny new toy.

  “Company car,” he said. “Perks of the job.”

  “Oh.” I smiled glancing down at my uniform and spotting a tomato sauce stain on the skirt. Suddenly the years apart began to show.

  I slid inside into the leather seats. He took his place next to me. “I never did learn to drive,” I mumbled nervously.

  “Really?” he said, turning the ignition over. “Suppose there’s no need in the city.”

  “Hmm,” I said, turning to stare out of the window. I couldn’t believe we were here. I sat in the passenger seat again and he the driver. It was just like old times, but so much had happened since then. When Robert learned to drive, his parents bought him a battered old Fiesta that we practically lived in for the summer before we broke up. We roamed the country like hobos and finally landed in London. It was here that the car broke down for good and here that I decided to stay. I couldn’t help but remember that as he pulled away to drive. He must have known.

  “Last time we were in a car together we chugged into the outskirts of London, remember?”

  I laughed. “How could I forget? You were fuming.” I smiled.

  “And you were awestruck at the city.” I looked to my hands. “That was a great summer.” He sighed.

  “Definitely,” I agreed.

  “So we’re going to Bethnal Green?” he asked.

  “Yep.” I smiled, glancing out the window again.

  “Are you nervous or something?” he asked.

  “Something,” I sighed. “I
just want everything to go well. Devon is so excited about having a daddy.”

  “She is?” he asked, grinning.

  “Yes, and I just want it to be everything for her and I hope …”

  “You hope I don’t fuck it up,” he sighed. I didn’t respond. “I won’t,” he said, placing his hand on mine. “I won’t freak out, I just want to meet her, be her dad, okay?”

  “But we’re so different now.” I let my eyes roam around his black, leather interior with its swish gadgets. “I can’t remember how we ever went together.”

  “I can.” He squeezed my hand. “Don’t worry, after tonight it’ll be like the three of us have never been apart.”

  “You think so?” I asked.

  “I know so.” My heart sped up as his hand remained on mine. Then his mobile phone rang on his hands free stand on the dashboard. I looked away so as to not invade his privacy. He moved his hand from mine and pressed it off, but didn’t touch me again.

  “Robert,” I said.

  “Yep.” He turned to me and his eyes met mine.

  “Thanks for letting the anger go and forgiving me.”

  “Grace …” he shook his head. “There is so much … I just … I was pissed off, but I get it, okay? I’m not blameless. I’m just glad Owen came in the café this week.”

  “Me too.” I sighed and then I turned to look out of the window again.

  ***

  We found a parking space on the old Victorian residential street that housed our flat. Once a street lined with palatial homes for the rich Victorian gentry, it was now littered with hundreds of flats like ours. Robert pulled in and then turned to me. “Ready.” He smiled; I smiled back.

  “She’ll love you.” I squeezed his hand. I had texted ahead to let Maria know we were on our way and to prepare Devon. Despite me being Devon’s mum and Maria Max’s, the lines had been blurred over the years. Devon and Maria had a lot in common. They were both girly girls who loved make up, fashion, shopping and dressing up. I had never been like that. So often Max and I kicked back on the sofa watching his favourite football team, Chelsea, whilst they went shopping. Devon loved Maria like a second mother and I didn’t once worry that Maria wasn’t preparing her for this monumental moment, perhaps better than I ever could.

  We made our way through the porch. I checked the post box out of habit and we made our way upstairs. When we reached the door I smiled encouragingly at Robert and we stepped inside, into our light, airy hallway that was tidy for once. He took it all in, from the wooden sideboard that held photos and neatly piled post, to our shoe rack that must have held every type and size of shoe known to man. There was no getting away from the fact that this was a home, with a family living here who were busy, messy, and judging by the noise coming from the lounge, noisy. I motioned for him to follow me, and we stepped into the open lounge to see three faces turn our way.

  “Devon,” I said lightly, motioning her to run over. My heart melted when I saw that she put her favourite party dress on, a white dress with big pink spots, and a silk pink ribbon around the waist. Robert watched her walk towards us, and his eyes misted over, as I knew he saw what I saw. She was just like him. Her blonde hair fell down her back waywardly, and her blue eyes shone as she trotted towards us from the nest of sofas. Maria and Max were silent and sat down, turning to the television. She stood in front of me, between us, and looked up to Robert. I bent down and spoke to her, “This is Robert Banford, this is your dad.” I smiled. She looked at him and he smiled at her, bending down as well.

  He held his hand out. “Hello, Devon, pleased to meet you.” She took it and then jumped forward hugging him. He held her and looked at me, his eyes shining with emotion, his mouth held in a tight smile. Devon pulled back and looked at him again.

  “We have the same hair,” she said, pointing towards his hair.

  “Yes,” He nodded. “We do.”

  “I’ve always wanted a dad,” she said, and again my heart stung with pain for her. She had never said that before.

  “Well here you go,” Robert said, standing up, “You got one now, I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Great,” she said matter-of-factly. “Max has been the only boy for years.” She turned to Max and he popped his head over the top of the sofa.

  “Hi, Max.” Robert waved, and he took it as an invitation and ran over.

  “What football team do you support?” Max asked Robert tentatively.

  “Man United,” he said and smiled.

  “Wrong answer.” Max rolled his eyes. “We’re Chelsea here.”

  “Oh,” Robert said, scratching his head, “Well no one’s perfect.”

  Max eyed him suspiciously. “Hmm … okay, what car do you drive?”

  Robert was about to answer when Devon interrupted, “Max stop talking boy rubbish to Dad. Now Dad let me show you my dancing trophies over here.” Devon took him to the sofas where Maria sat and she sprung up.

  “Tea anyone?” she asked. “I’m Maria.” She stuck her hand out. “Pleased to meet you.”

  “Robert, you too.” He shook her hand, “Tea would be great, unless … are you hungry Devon, Grace? Are we going out?”

  “Oh yes, Devon, come on, lets’ get your coat and your dad is going to take us out for tea.”

  “Max, too?” she looked to Robert and then to Max.

  “Um …” I smiled. “Not tonight, baby. It’s your first tea with daddy, so maybe another time?”

  “Max has had some tea anyway,” Maria said, walking to put the kettle on.

  “Max is more than welcome,” Robert said. “He needs to make sure I’ve got some good qualities after I failed on the footy score.”

  “Oh no,” Maria said. “You three go and enjoy yourselves.”

  “Really?” Robert asked. “It’s no problem.”

  I looked at Robert questioningly and he shrugged. “You want to come Maxie?” I asked.

  “Yes!” he said excitedly. “Please …” he corrected himself.

  “Okay then,” Robert said. “Coats on and let’s get this show on the road.” I smiled at him as he stood in our lounge and rubbed his hands together. In that moment he was just Robert. He wasn’t a grown up, a lawyer, a stranger; he was the excitable teenager who took charge when I couldn’t make a decision. He was the boy who made me feel special, the boy who made me realise that I deserved more, and the boy I had missed for seven years.

  Nine

  Eight Years Earlier

  Mum had been admitted to hospital after her fall. We stayed at A&E for three hours the night Robert and I had found her. Robert didn’t leave my side, and Barbara and Bob stayed close, drinking coffee, and checking in with the nurses. Eventually she regained consciousness, but she was quite battered. They had no idea how far she had fallen and wanted to rule out a fractured skull. So she was admitted and we were told to go home.

  “You’ll stay with us,” Barbara said in the car on the way home. It was 3.30_am and the streets were deserted. The summer night had a chill, and I leaned my head against the window staring into the clear night sky, dusted with stars.

  “I’m fine,” I sighed as I fought off emotion. As much as I hated my mum, her zombie-like state and her horrendously embarrassing issues, she was also all I had, and losing her would be unbearable. I knew nothing else but her indifference, and if she left me, then I would just have nothing.

  “No young girl is going back to that big house all alone at three in the morning. We have a guest room and you’ll get comfortable in there.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered. When we parked, we all trudged inside and were overwhelmed with tiredness.

  “She’ll be fine.” Barbara squeezed me as we all made our way upstairs. “Robert, can you get Grace a t-shirt to sleep in?” Robert made his way to his room and Barbara showed me to their guest room that had a lovely plush, double bed in a Laura Ashley themed, flowered paradise room with its own en-suite. I sat on the edge of the bed and kicked my shoes off. Robert came in with my t-shi
rt, putting his arms around me tightly, and I tried not to cry.

  “Come on.” He turned the main light out and the bed side lamp on. “Put the t-shirt on and get in.” The lights down the corridor went out as his parents retired to bed. He closed the door, kicked his shoes off, took his jeans off and laid on top of the bed. I slipped my jeans and my vest top off, putting the t-shirt on over my underwear and climbed up the bed. He tucked me in, turned the lamp off, and held me. I breathed in his scent and clung to him as the tears began to fall.

  “Shh,” he soothed. “I’m here.” He rubbed my back and I closed my eyes, letting him heal me, letting him take some of my pain away.

  “Grace, I’m here.” He kissed my forehead. “You can tell me anything, you know. I want to make things easier for you.” I sniffed and held him tighter; he had no idea. He had no idea what a family like mine meant, or the lack of a family, and what that does to people. How could he understand loss, pain and numbness? He had everything, Barbara and Bob were truly amazing and they loved him and each other. Robert could never truly understand fucked up families the way that I did and I had no intention of showing him.

  Robert stayed with me all night, and I’ve no doubt that in the morning Barbara was furious, but she never showed it in front of me. I insisted on walking home the next day and going to work. I rang the hospital and was told mum would be in for a few more days. I would have to visit and I would have to take her some clothes, but it would be another series of awkward exchanges. She might be interested in me since she won’t have had a drink for a few hours, but more realistically she would be lost in her own world, as usual.

  I finished work early to catch the bus to the hospital. Robert had texted to see how I was, but I hadn’t responded. I just couldn’t face him. I was so ashamed and didn’t want him or his family involved in this aspect of my life. I didn’t want them to meet my mother or ask me questions. I just wanted to deal with this blip and then get back to co-habiting. I didn’t want things to change or people to pry.