Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  I had packed a bag for mum, taken it to work with me, and then sat with it on my knee on the bus to the hospital. I found her ward easily and was there at 6 pm for visiting hours. When I arrived she was sitting up in her bed talking to another woman in the bed across the ward.

  “Ah … my daughter.” She smiled cheerfully as I entered. I smiled nervously as the other patient eyed me. “Grace.” She put her arms out for me and I approached her for a forced hug and kiss. She patted me as I pulled away to sit down. Her face was hugely swollen, one side purple and one eye was swollen shut. Her lip was cut on the top right and she kept licking it nervously, her eyes darting around the room. She was obviously feeling some withdrawal symptoms.

  “Hi, mum,” I choked. “I’ve brought you some clothes, did they say when you’d be out?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “Still a few tests, so a couple of days.”

  “Well,” I sighed. “I’ve brought you some magazines because I won’t be able to come tomorrow. I’ve got work.”

  “Oh.” She crossed her arms. “I see.” She stared ahead indignantly. “Your father would have been here day and night if he were here. He loved me more than life itself,” she said, her eyes glossy and her stare fixed in another time.

  “Well,” I coughed, standing up. “He’s not around, is he? He hasn’t been for eleven years,” I whispered. “I’ll phone the nurse and make sure I know what’s going on. See you in a few days.”

  “What? That’s it?” she spat. “You’re off? Have you seen my face? I’m a mess and my own daughter can’t stand to visit me?” I shook my head. I felt a scene coming on and I wouldn’t allow it.

  I leaned into her and smiled, kissing her cheek again. “You know what mum, you’re right, I’m off. I wouldn’t want you to have to spend a moment more with me today than you do any other day, so read your magazines, enjoy the hospital food, and I’ll be here when they let you out.” She sighed and grabbed for the bag I had brought.

  “Teenagers,” I heard her say as I walked away, “too busy these days.” The other woman laughed.

  ***

  It was still light when I got home, but it was almost 8 when I turned onto our street. As I neared our house I saw Robert sat on the front step. He stood when he saw me. “Grace,” he said stepping to meet me. “I’ve texted you.”

  I smiled thinly at him, walking to the front door. “Hi,” I said. He pulled me to him and kissed me on the lips.

  I opened the house up and he followed me into the hallway that was still covered in blood and vomit. I hadn’t had time to clean it earlier, but luckily the floor was tiled and I would be able to clean it easily enough.

  “Wow,” he said. “I’d forgotten about that.”

  “I better get cleaning,” I sighed.

  “I’ll help,” he said brightly.

  “No, Robert, no, please just go home, you’ve seen enough.”

  “Enough what?” he asked stepping towards me.

  “Enough.” I motioned my eyes around the house. “Crazy, enough of this, please just go.”

  “No, Grace, stop it, don’t push me away.”

  “Look, I’m not, I just can’t have you here right now. I just need to be alone.”

  “No.” He grabbed me to him this time. “No you don’t okay? You might be used to being alone in this fucking house, but I can’t bear to think of you here, and I can’t bear to think of what would have happened yesterday if I hadn’t been here.”

  “What? The same thing,” I sighed pushing him from me. “Ambulance, hospital, the lot.”

  “I mean you dealing with that and then sitting in that waiting room alone and then coming here to this house, alone. Who looks after you?”

  “I don’t need looking after,” I spat.

  “Everyone needs looking after Grace,” he said, pulling me to him again.

  “Not me.”

  “Especially you,” he whispered, and he kissed my head, and I gave in, letting him hold me, relaxing into his warmth again and breathing him in.

  We scrubbed and mopped the hallway until it smelt of bleach and nothing else. Then afterwards, I took him to the back of the house behind the antique kitchen where there was an old fashioned orangery. It was a bit like a conservatory, but made out of rotting wood and glass. It spanned the back of the house. I had some cigarettes that I had hidden in there, and so we sat on the back step, smoking a cheeky fag as the sun began to set.

  “So where is your dad?” Robert asked with his arm around me, my head on his shoulder.

  “Dead,” I whispered. “It’s just me and her.”

  “When?” he asked.

  “When I was five, he and my brother Jamie died in a car crash. Mum just couldn’t cope; she never recovered. She hit the booze and that’s her family now.” I sniffed away tears that were threatening to fall. “We’re just house mates, she’s not interested in me at all, and that suits me just fine.”

  “What?” Robert turned me to him. “It suits you? You deserve better than that Grace.” I put my head on his chest.

  “I have no idea what that looks like.” I laughed, “I see your family and I see how it should work, but that’s weird to me.”

  “I bet.” He kissed my head.

  “I’ve got a sister, though,” I said wistfully. “Her name’s Diane.”

  “Yeah?” he asked.

  “She left when I was born. She was sixteen and just up and left, didn’t get on with dad, typical story. Well one day I’m gonna find her, I’m gonna find out where she is, knock on her door, and I’m sure she’ll understand. She’ll know what it’s been like and finally I’ll have a family.”

  He pulled me to him and we turned back to look at the sunset. “Grace,” he sighed. “Don’t try and push me away because of this okay? I can deal with it. I really like you and I can’t imagine being without you, so even if you think you’d be better off alone, I can’t let that happen.”

  “Robert …”

  “Now come on, pack a bag, mum said no more sharing a bed, but you’re not staying here alone until your mum gets out. She said if you won’t come to us then the whole rabble is coming to this old relic to live.” He shoulder bumped me. “I added the relic bit.” I rolled my eyes, but secretly I was relieved. I didn’t want to be alone in this lofty old museum tonight and Robert made me feel better just by being there.

  He came up to my room while I packed my bag and had a good look around. “I bet this house was amazing in its day.”

  “Certainly was,” I sighed.

  He took my bag. “Now come on, let’s get back for Big Brother and one of my dad’s famous suppers.”

  “Supper?” I said as we locked the front door.

  “You know,” he prompted, “Bed time snack … He makes us toast and syrup. It’s the dog’s bollocks.”

  “Oh.” I laughed as he slung his arm around me and we walked home.

  “You’re gonna get fat staying in a house full of boys.” He laughed. “Eight meals a day whether you like it or not!”

  Ten

  Now

  Dinner was a success. Robert drove us to the local Frankie and Benny’s where the kids were completely over excited. They chattered to each other merrily in the back of the car and kept asking questions.

  “You must be rich,” Max said. “Are you a millionaire?”

  Robert laughed. “No I’m not, I wish I was, just lucky I suppose.” I smiled at Robert and he rolled his eyes at me.

  “Do you live in a massive house?” Max asked.

  “No, just a flat like yours.”

  “Really?” Devon asked. “Just like ours?”

  “Well, I suppose it is a new build rather than in a lovely old house.”

  “Oh …” She thought for a second. “Do you have a family? Are you married?”

  “No.” He coughed through his awkwardness. “Just me.”

  “Oh.” She thought again. “Did you not find anyone to love as much as you loved Mummy?” He looked across at me wid
e-eyed and I laughed.

  “Devon let your dad take a breath for goodness sake. Kids!” I said quietly to him. “They ask the most intrusive questions.”

  He smiled at me and placed his hand on mine. Nothing was said, but it didn’t need to be. I knew what he was trying to say. We had been best friends, each other’s first love, and for me that had never been replaced. I had no idea about what Robert had felt for anyone else, but I was in no doubt that what we had been to each other would never change. Years and new relationships would never take the time away from us.

  When we arrived at the restaurant we were seated straight away and the kids grabbed the menus excitedly. They continued to quiz Robert about his job, and he told Devon funny stories about his brothers and growing up as the four Banford brothers. She was spellbound as he spoke and hung off his every word. We reminisced about things that had happened whilst I knew them.

  “So their names are Mike, Joe, and Owen?” Devon asked, getting them straight in her mind.

  “Yep, I’m a lawyer and Mike is training to be a doctor like our dad. Joe has just graduated from university trained in architecture, and Owen is just starting dentistry.”

  “Wow, your mum and dad must be so proud,” I said taking a sip of my Coke.

  “They would have been no matter what we achieved.” He smiled thinly.

  “I’m sure.” I nodded.

  After dessert I took Max to the toilet and waited outside as he decided he was now too old to go into the women’s toilets with Maria or me. When we got back to the table, Devon had made her way to Robert’s lap and he was showing her some pictures from his wallet. There I could see Barbara and Bob beaming from a dining table on holiday somewhere, their skin glowing and their eyes bright. He and his brothers, so grown up all stood in a line, wearing morning suits and top hats with their arms draped around each other’s shoulders. I felt suddenly overwhelmed with emotion to see this family again, see the years age them, and yet their contentment still so visible. They had let me in and I had voluntarily left, yet looking at them now I felt the first tinge of sadness at what I had missed out on. Robert saw me looking.

  “Mum and dad renewed their vows for their 25th wedding anniversary,” he said. “We all got dressed up, hired morning suits, and mum got a nice dress. It was a good day.”

  “You all look so happy,” I said, sitting down.

  “Yep, and,” he slid the picture of Barbara and Bob over to me, “they have an apartment in Marbella, that’s them last time I visited with them.”

  “Wow, so they’ve sold the house in Poulton?”

  “God, no. Mum would never do that.” He laughed. “She loves that house, but she does joke that if one more son comes down here to live then she’s moving down south.” I smiled, that was just like Barbara, to be wherever her beloved sons are. “They spend a few months a year in Spain, that’s all.”

  “Great for holidays, though.” He looked to me and I realised that maybe he would want to take Devon there, maybe now she had a father I would have to go a week or two without seeing my daughter.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, seeing my face fall.

  “Ah … nothing.” I shook my head. “Devon is so lucky to have such a great family.”

  “We’re lucky, she’s great.”

  “When will you tell them?” I asked.

  “I thought I’d give her a call in a few days once it’s really sunk in.”

  I felt terrible. I had hidden this for so many years and believed that it only affected me, but how wrong could I have been? This decision affected Devon and her needs, Robert and his whole life. It also affected a family with so much love that they were bursting at the seams, and I was about to give them the biggest shock of their lives. They would probably hate me for denying them six years of Devon. However, once they met her, they would fall in love, as I knew Robert had. She was irresistible.

  ***

  After the meal Robert became a permanent fixture in our lives. A week had passed and each night he called Devon. He texted me daily, sometimes about Devon, or even telling me something funny that had happened at work. We didn’t discuss the past, and we were slowly becoming used to our new future. The Tuesday after he and Devon met, he came to our flat after he finished work. I made Beef Wellington and all five of us sat around the dining table, eating dinner together. Robert was unflappable by the crazy antics and laughed as Devon and Max talked about school at a million words a minute.

  Maria washed up as we bathed the kids, and Devon showed him how she plaited her hair by herself. Max enjoyed monopolising Robert and showed him his premier league sticker book. Devon showed him her dancing competition outfit for two weeks’ time, when she would compete with other girls in a local competition. She practiced after school two nights a week and sometimes went for an hour on Saturday mornings. She was very enthusiastic about it and wanted to take cheerleading classes, as well, but she couldn’t do everything. After they went to bed Robert stayed for a glass of wine with Maria and I. He loosened his tie and we got the Pringles out.

  “So, you two seem to be coping well, so far,” Maria said, taking a crisp.

  “Yep,” I said, giving Maria a glare.

  “I’m just saying, it’s going well, and Devon seems really happy.”

  “Well, we did always get on well, eh Grace?” Robert smirked.

  I smiled, “Of course, or else we wouldn’t have gone out for so long.”

  “So how long have you two lived together, then?” Robert asked.

  “Since the kids were a few months old.”

  “Wow, I bet it really helped having each other.”

  “Sure did,” Maria said, giving me a squeeze. “Right, well, I’m going to relax during the calm after the storm and have a bath. So I’ll take my wine in there. ‘Night.”

  “’Night,” I said.

  “’Night.” Robert smiled. He watched her walk away. “You think she likes me?” he asked.

  “Why do you ask that?” I sipped my wine.

  “She seems wary of me.”

  “She probably is.” I smiled. “As much as my life was different to yours, hers was different again.”

  “Oh?” he said.

  “Well, Maria had it tough. She doesn’t really trust men and the only men she has had in her life abused her. Whereas, I don’t have any male role models for comparison.”

  “Ah, well I’m sure she’ll learn to trust me.”

  “Why do you care?” I asked.

  “Look, if she’s important to you and Devon, then I want her to like me.”

  “She will,” I said with a smirk. “That’s sweet, including Maria and Max, but just stick around, be Devon’s dad, and Maria won’t have a word to say.”

  “Okay,” he said, raising his hand to his head, saluting me. “Yes sir!” I laughed. “I couldn’t walk away now even if I wanted to and,” he placed his hand on mine, “I’ve been looking for you for so long, I still can’t believe this is real. I … Grace …”

  “Robert,” I stopped him. “You don’t have to say anything to me, I know what happened was hard on both of us, and I should have told you I was safe. I shouldn’t have made you wonder all these years.”

  “Grace, I wasn’t just worried about your safety. Jesus, I missed you. I wanted to find you to say sorry, and I want you to know that even after all these years I still missed you.”

  “Thanks, you don’t need to be sorry and …”

  “I do, Grace, what I said, how I made you feel, that was unforgivable. Trust me, I’ve had a lot of time to think it through.”

  “Well, let’s just try and forget the past and concentrate on the future, okay?”

  “Okay.” He chinked my glass and we grinned. I couldn’t help but be happy with Robert there, he was like an oasis amongst whatever torment presented itself in my life, and I had missed that. He stayed a little while longer and then left. I sighed as I shut the door behind him. I climbed the stairs back to the flat and went to the kitchen to make
a cup of tea. Maria appeared behind me.

  “What is going on there?” she asked, getting herself a mug for me to make her a cup of tea, too.

  “Nothing.” I shook my head.

  “All these years,” she narrowed her eyes to me, “I’ve imagined the scene, and two tortured souls screaming in a train station, one jumping aboard and the other crying as the train pulls away. I knew you were alone and I always assumed he was an arsehole, but he isn’t, is he?”

  I shook my head. “I thought he was, I thought he’d ruined everything, but I suppose I was an angry teenager in love. It all seemed so life and death back then.”

  “And now?”

  “Now Devon needs her dad, and I like having him around.”

  “Do you still love him?”

  “No, God, no.” I shook my head. “It’s been years, I don’t know him anymore.”

  “What’s to know? The guy’s like an open book.”

  “Too much has happened. I loved him. I like him now, and I’m happy that he wants to be in Devon’s life.”

  “And yours.” She raised her eyebrows. “He could have gone after Devon went to bed. He wants to be in your life, too.”

  “Whatever! Get lost Maria.” I laughed.

  “Okay …” She held her hands up. “Don’t shoot the messenger. Our problem is that we’ve been out of the game too long and we can’t read the signs anymore.”

  “True,” I sighed. “But I’m not getting back into that crap. I’m not ready.”

  “Fine,” Maria sighed. “But you’ve been warned.”

  ***

  Another weekend passed and Robert was going to come for Tuesday dinner again. Devon was going to be home late from school due to her dance class. After I got the kids settled into their homework Maria arrived first, looking just as beautiful as when she had left the house. I never looked that good after a day at work. Robert got to the flat around half past six, and I had already started dishing up the food.

  “Sorry,” he said. “Phone call as I left work.”