“Oh,” I said again.
“The truth is, after I saw you, I couldn’t touch her, look at her, and hardly heard what she said. All I thought about was you and she figured that out pretty damn quick. She fought for a while and eventually she just blew up and threw me out. Perhaps it was the cowards way out, but Grace, she just didn’t deserve for me to break her heart.”
“I know, if only Owen hadn’t come in that day, your life would have just continued as it was supposed to.”
“Grace, never say that. I was just existing and going through the motions in a life that was missing you.”
“Robert, after all these years how can you be so sure?”
“Are you joking? After all these years I have never been so sure. I was a mess. I was like the walking dead for six months after we split up and I learned how to get by, looking for you in every brown-haired girl that passed me by. This,” he motioned between us, “this is what was always meant to be, you and me. I know I’m being full on and I really don’t want to scare you away, Grace, but when you wonder if I’m sure, I’m telling you I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
I leaned forward to sip my drink and he placed his hand on mine. “Do you feel that way too, Grace?” I looked into his big blue eyes and couldn’t believe how much he set me on fire; I nodded. He pulled his chair a little closer to mine and took my drink placing it back on the table. Then he leaned in and touched my face gently with his hand. “I love you, Grace, it’s always been you.” Then he leaned in and kissed me gently on my lips.
After a few drinks we decided not to go to the restaurant. We were enjoying ourselves and decided to try a different bar with admittedly less stunning views. We made our way out into the cold night and he hugged me close. The night was dry and crisp, and as we walked out into the dark, Robert pulled me into another embrace, kissing me again. This time we weren’t in a busy bar and so he made it count, he snuck his tongue into my mouth, and I could smell his delicious scent as he pulled me closer. I breathed him in and let him consume me. It was scary and amazing at the same time. He pulled away and grinned at me.
“No one else makes me feel like you do.” He sighed. I had no idea how to respond.
We moved onto the next bar, another highbrow place that would make me feel inferior if I weren’t a little drunk. Robert ordered a bottle of champagne and got the DJ to say “happy birthday” to me over the microphone, dedicating a song to me. I laughed as he danced and pulled me into his embrace. We both smiled at each other, wrapped together, moving to the song.
“Why are we so drawn to each other?” I asked as we swayed. “I can feel it, but my head won’t accept that it’s right. We both should have moved on, both should have forgotten about this.”
“How could we? The day we broke up we were still in love, we were still each other’s everything and I wasn’t ready for it to be over.”
I looked at him, but my expression became sad. “It’s just nostalgia.”
“No,” he shook his head and his words were slightly slurred, “no Grace,” he lowered himself to look into my eyes at eye level, “the day I saw you again you took my breath away, and yes it was a reminder of everything I had and everything that made me so happy, but these past few weeks have been the happiest of my life, with Devon and you.” He leaned his forehead on mine and held my hair away from my face, “It’s as if the time apart has made me realise that at sixteen I was complete and now I feel it again. You are my life.”
“But I’m not right for you, look at me. I’m shabby and you’re chic, you said it yourself the day you left. I’m never going to be what you deserve.” He closed his eyes and kissed me on the lips softly.
“You have no idea how much I have regretted those words every day since then, I didn’t mean it. I was trying to hurt you.”
“It worked,” I said in a small voice.
Twenty-One
Seven Years Earlier
Grace
After the afternoon at Ange's flat, I was very low. I knew deep down that we wouldn’t find Diane at that address, but there was a trail. We did have hope. It just didn’t seem enough. I marched ahead of Robert on the way back to the tube station and avoided his hand holding on the way back to the Youth Hostel.
He stopped dead when we stepped off the train. I turned to see his anger boil over. “What is wrong with you? What the fuck have I done?” he shouted.
I looked to the floor, “Nothing, okay? But sometimes a person just needs to be alone, not talking, not touched and dealing with their own grief.” I didn’t want him to touch me, he had everything and I had nothing. My anger was misplaced but I was seething. He had no idea how it felt to fantasise about someone making you feel safe, thinking about it so much that you can taste it and then having it tugged away. Diane had been the safe haven that I dreamed of at home when things were really bad. She was the one thing that I always thought could make everything right and now that seemed to be crumbling. Robert couldn’t understand that as he had always lived in his safe haven, he never had to dream about it.
“So you’re the person? And you want to be alone? That can be arranged.” He walked away from me in the bustling tube station, and I watched him leave with no intention of following. An hour later I was circling the Youth Hostel, I knew he’d be inside waiting for me, and I was dreading having to talk about how I felt, as I didn’t understand it myself. I had never known Diane, but somehow she had become my lifeline, my chance at normal, and my fantasy in my dismal life. I had an address and that was my focus and, despite what Robert gave me, suddenly I had nothing. I decided to get some cash, check my bank account, and buy a kebab. Then I would slope back to our room and make my excuses.
I got ten pounds and checked my balance. Shit, there was a thousand pounds in there. I almost fainted with shock; it must have been Mum. She found the note and after eight weeks away, she was finally putting some money in my account. I wasn’t touched. I wasn’t missing her, but this gave me options and they started to flash though my head. I bought my kebab and some chips intending to share with Robert and made my way back to the hostel amongst the post work traffic of people. I made my way inside, knocked on our door, and Robert appeared. He let me in without saying a word and sat on the bed. Our bags were packed.
“Robert, what? You packed our stuff?”
“Well, not much was unpacked, but yes.”
“Why?”
He stood and made his way to me slowly, taking me in his arms, my kebab and chips still in a carrier bag in my hand. “We have to go home, now Grace, the trip’s over.”
“No,” I pushed him away, “no she’s trying to find that card; she’s going to ring us.”
“And when she does we’ll come right back, but my mum rang again and we should go. If we stay here any longer she’ll be coming here to collect us.”
“Collect you,” I muttered, “No one wants me home, and no one misses me.”
“Grace …” he began.
“Look I’ve got some food, let’s eat it, and we can talk.”
“What is there to talk about? Us staying in this hostel the rest of our lives?” he spat. “I still stink of smoke, all our clothes do, I’m tired, we’re broke and it’s time to go home.”
He’d made his case and I knew how he felt, not because I felt that way, but because I knew how it must be for him to be away from Barbara and Bob and his brothers. When he was low, damaged or tired, they were his comfort, not me. He pretended we were a team, but he already had a team and I needed to find mine.
“When?” I asked quietly, sitting on the bed.
“Tomorrow, first thing.” I nodded soberly and opened the food.
He sat next to me and threw his arm around me. “It’s the best thing,” he said pulling me close, “You’ll see, one more year and we can travel again.”
I nodded, we opened the food and shared the kebab and chips, I was starving and despite my low mood and my hostility to him, we both managed to polish the l
ot off.
That night Robert pulled me into his arms. He kissed me all over, trying to heal the wounds that were far too deep to be healed. He kissed me, made love to me, and made me feel like he always did, cherished. Afterwards as he held me in his arms, I made the most of drinking him in, smelling him and making memories that I could always return to, as tomorrow I wasn’t sure if I could force myself to go home. There was nothing for me there, and the thought of returning to my mum made bile rise in my throat. I was aware that Robert was the only good thing in my life, but he was trying to return me to hell when this summer had been my release.
The next morning was stifling. He packed the final items and I sat on the bed.
“I don’t think I can go,” I said quietly.
“Grace,” he scolded. “The tickets are paid for, I bought them yesterday.”
I shook my head and tears appeared in my eyes. “I can’t go back to that life, Robert.”
“Look,” he bent down in front of me and took my hands in his, “it’s our home. We can’t stay here forever, we need to go home, do well at school, get the grades, and then we can do what we want.”
“Who says?” I snapped.
“Me, come on Grace, there’s nothing here for us.”
“And I’ve got so much at home?” I shouted.
“You’ve got me.” He stood up and grabbed the bags, we had abandoned a lot of stuff we couldn’t carry and wouldn’t need again like the camping equipment and summer clothes that were worn from being hand washed on campsites. “I’m there for you.”
“That’s not enough for me, Robert.”
He glared at me. “What?” he snapped. “Are you taking the piss? Everything I do seems to be for you, Grace, and that’s not enough.”
“What I mean is you’ve got it all, and I’ve got nothing, nothing except you. You get to go back to the cushy life and the planned future whilst I rot in that house with a wino.”
“I’ll never let that happen to you, Grace,” he said softly, “I’ll be with you every God damn night if that’s what it takes.”
I smiled at him thinly. My life was still too much of a nightmare for him to even see. “Come on.” He ushered me out of the room, carrying both our bags whilst I carried only my handbag. I followed him soberly and we descended into the underground to get to Euston Station from Kings Cross. It was busy; there were people everywhere. I felt like they were running around as I sauntered along.
“Grace!” Robert barked, inundated with bags. “Come on!” He got behind me and urged me forwards.
We made it to Euston with twenty minutes to spare and Robert frantically searched the televisions that gave platform information. “Platform Four!” he shouted and I followed him. We got to the platform, but there was no train. The television on that platform informed us that the train would arrive in ten minutes. Robert made his way through the crowds of people and found a seat for me on the edge of a bench. I was quiet, despondent, and he was angry.
“For fuck’s sake Grace, you knew this summer couldn’t last forever,” he said firmly, quiet enough so other people wouldn’t hear.
“I know,” I shook my head. “I’m just not ready for it to be over and to say goodbye to my dream.”
“Of what?” he barked, his voice getting higher. “Your dream of meeting some stranger, a fucking sister who never gave you the time of day, never gave a shit about you, but who you’re weirdly obsessed with?” I looked at him with tears in my eyes, but his jaw remained firm and his eyes locked with mine “I’m tired and I’m sick of this bullshit!” he spat. “You’ll get on this train, we’ll go home, and get back to reality.”
I wanted to scream that that wasn’t the reality I wanted, and I had no idea before now how ridiculous Robert saw my looking for Diane. We were silent. The platform became busier, and I sat on the bench taking deep breaths. The train arrived and he stood to get aboard.
“No!” I shouted, as he took my arm.
“Grace, for fuck’s sake.”
“I’m not going,” I cried. “I can’t go back there.”
“Get on the train,” he shouted. People started to filter on board and some looked at our spectacle as they did. “I’m tired, I’m ready for home, come on.”
I stood firm and refused to look into his eyes.
“Ahhh!” he shouted at no one in particular dropping the bags and pacing. “Grace!” he yelped. “This is fucking crazy, you are fucking crazy. I had no idea you were this fucked up!” he barked. I stared straight ahead. I had no idea what to say. Had he only just realised I was fucked up?
“You might want to live here in squalor, Grace, but I won’t do that. I’ve got a life, a future, and I need to make that happen. I can’t stay here and be some sort of homeless wannabe with you.” Again, I had no response. “I’m going places and just because you’re not, I can’t let you hold me back.”
“I knew this was a bad idea. I knew you’d go fucking crazy if you tried to find your runaway sister, Jesus, Grace, I’m giving you a lifeline here. I want to love you, help you, get you away from being a waster. Let me.”
“Oh, tell me how you really feel,” I said bitterly, tears running down my face.
“Oh tell you how I really feel? Well Jesus, Grace, I swooped in and saved you from a life full of nothing, I have offered you an alternative to that lunatic you live with, allowed you to be part of my life, risked the wrath of my mother to take you on the summer of your life, and after all you just want to be the dosser you were supposed to be, wandering around London. Don’t you want to make something of your life, go to college? Uni? Be better than this?” I looked at him. I saw the contempt in his eyes for me, the hatred for the person I was deep down under the exterior that he found so appealing.
“You need me, Grace, otherwise you’ll end up crazy like the rest of your family.” I managed to gain composure and look him in the eyes.
“Don’t do me any favours,” I barked, grabbing my bag and using all my energy to push him away.
“Grace,” he shouted, tears in his eyes too, “I …”
“Fuck off!” I spat, tears streaming down my cheeks. “You’re not my saviour, no one is. I don’t need a fucking saviour, all I need is me, it’s always been just me.”
“Fine,” he shouted, picking up his bags. “Have it your own way, I’m tired of this shit, of your shit, I’ve got a life, too.”
“Go and live it then,” I said, turning before I had to watch him leave. I walked as fast as I could and heard the beeping of the train doors from behind me. I turned to see the train begin to depart, and as I watched, I fleetingly hoped that maybe he hadn’t gone maybe this was a dream, and I wasn’t all alone in this big city. Then I remembered his words, remembered how he really felt, and that maybe he had been hiding this for the past year. Did he really love me or grow to hate me? He was gone with the train, and I was alone again with my life.
I took my phone out of my handbag, turned it off, and threw it in the bin. I didn’t want him to call; I didn’t want any of them to call. I wanted this life, I wanted to embrace this city, and I’d find my family somewhere, people who I belonged to. It might not be Diane and it would no longer be Robert, but I refused to give up hope. I was strong and going home to my old life was a mistake, a step backwards. From now on I was moving forward and the first agenda item was finding a job.
Robert
I sat on the train and I was fizzing with anger. She was such a selfish bitch. We came all this way to London just for her, my car fucking died, we have no money, and it’s time to go home. Talking to my mum on the phone made me miss her. Maybe I was a pussy, but I missed my mum and dad and I wanted to go back to college, wanted to go to university, and I wanted to please my parents. I could be a rebel with Grace, but my life had been mapped out for so long that I didn’t feel right straying from that. I respected my parents and what they had done for me. The least I could do was make them proud.
I looked back as I boarded the train and I hesitated. I wa
tched her from behind, struggling to lift the bag high above her head. Her jeans slung low on her tanned waist, her dark, tangled hair falling down her back over her pink t- shirt. Everything about that view made me want her. No matter how difficult she was being, I wanted her, but I had to realise that we were always heading down two different paths. The boy who would do anything for this girl was urging me to try again to convince her, but the man I was becoming was stubborn. She was making this decision, not me. I had tried to convince her, and she had pushed so hard that I had exploded. I was right, she was lucky to have me. I had tried everything to make her realise that, but still she threw it back in my face. I turned away from her and boarded. The doors closed and I watched through the glass panel as she continued to walk. Then, as we pulled away from the station, she began to turn. It was then that I saw true devastation and I started to wonder what I had done.
When I found a seat, I was sure she’d call. I was sure she would want to apologise, so I turned my music on with my headphones in and let my head fall back onto the seat. I half expected her to ask me to get off the train and wait for her at a station on the way home. After an hour she hadn’t called and my anger had subsided and panic began to creep in. What had I done? Despite her tough exterior and isolated childhood, she was just as pampered as me, and not used to the real world, whatever that may be. She had no money and nowhere to go, and I had just abandoned her at a train station where any weirdo or pervert could take advantage or abduct her. This didn’t look good for my arrival home, to my mum who would completely freak that I had left my seventeen-year old girlfriend alone in a strange city. I was plagued by these thoughts and then reassured that she had practically pushed me away and had no intention of returning. So it was this, or stay there. I should have waited, told my mum to come. I started to panic. It was then after an hour and a half that I caved in and called her mobile. This was the first of many connections to her answering machine.
Waiting for Grace Page 22
