“You’re right,” I said into her hair as we hugged.
“I usually am.” She sighed.
***
Robert arrived at midday to collect us. I was nervous as hell and kept wondering if I was doing the right thing. This would most likely be awkward, painful, and also a massive leap forwards in our relationship. I was attending Christmas as Devon’s mum so she could meet her family, but also as Robert’s girlfriend for the first time in seven years. We hadn’t spent enough time alone to define anything and we hadn’t had any time alone to be intimate, but it seemed to be working at the moment, and I loved spending time with him. I didn’t doubt how he felt, but I hesitantly worried that things wouldn’t work out, so I couldn’t become too comfortable.
We loaded the car and Robert was excited for Christmas. He seemed practically euphoric.
“This is gonna be the best Christmas ever,” he said as we pulled away, “Me and my girls and all my brothers home. It’ll be like the Walton’s Christmas Special.”
“Let’s not go mad.” I laughed.
“What’s the Walton’s, Daddy?” Devon asked from the back seat.
“Oh, just a big happy family programme sweetheart.” He looked over to me and smiled. “Nervous?”
“Yep.” I nodded, taking a deep breath. “I’m sure it’ll be fine and Devon deserves to have a happy Christmas with her family.”
“So do you.”
***
When we pulled onto the motorway that led home, I had that sinking feeling. We could see Blackpool Tower and Robert was trying to excite Devon. “Can you see it?” he said. “Whoever spots it first wins.” She won.
I watched Robert at ease and the way he playfully spoke to Devon. I wondered why I had stayed away from him for so long. True at first, in those early months it had been because of his harsh words, and I suppose later embarrassment, and also I was ashamed. I was worried that I would never be good enough, fit into a world where he had succeeded, and a teenage pregnancy would only ever have held him back. However, on days like today I was reminded what a thoroughly nice, well brought up man he was, and despite knowing how different we were, I was lucky that he was ever in my life. I always seemed so well turned out, so together, but behind the scenes I was crumbling like our old house, and only Robert really knew that.
He was happy to be going home, happy to see his brothers, and excited for them to meet the little daughter he was now so proud of. It pleased me and made me feel accomplished that Devon was such a prize. I wanted her to be and have everything I never had, and so far she was doing a wonderful job.
The road from the motorway was fairly rural and not many landmarks had changed. The creeping feeling of dread was threatening to overwhelm me but I held it at bay. Robert must have sensed my angst and placed his hand on mine giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Is this near your house, Mummy?” Devon asked.
“No,” I said quietly. “We’ll pass my street and I’ll point it out.”
“Okay,” she said enthusiastically. “So we’re nearly there?”
“Sure are,” Robert said as we pulled towards the town. We didn’t drive through the centre, instead heading to the Banford’s house on the outskirts in a new build housing estate. We would still pass my mother’s lane, though.
“Here,” Robert said slowing, allowing Devon to look. I glanced, as well, “This was Mummy’s street.” It was so achingly familiar and nothing seemed to have changed, every house different and the large whiteness of my house shone through the leafy street. There it was, my childhood, and in that house probably sat my Mum. Perhaps she was alone for Christmas again this year, but I was betting that she didn’t even know what day it was.
“Ooo the houses are like Buckingham Palace down there,” Devon said, straining to see.
“Hardly.” I laughed, rolling my eyes.
We drove on and reached the estate that I had known as well as my own street, walking here many times. The memories flew back almost painfully. I didn’t need to be here to see them, but the surroundings reminded me. The bus stop we used to catch the bus into Blackpool from, and the field that we met on … that seemed to be no longer there, I craned my neck to see in the twilight darkness.
“Oh, our field is gone.” I sighed.
“Yeah more houses.” He laughed. “Almost contested to the planning department, but “met the love of your life there” isn’t a good enough reason apparently.” He winked at me and then pulled up outside his childhood home. The drive was already full of cars and the only space was out front. As soon as I opened my door, Barbara was out. She ran towards us, and bypassing Robert and me, pulled Devon up into her arms.
“Oh, you’re here,” she said, kissing her cheek and setting her back down. “Thank goodness, I’ve been like a cat on a hot tin roof all day.”
“What d'ya mean?” Devon asked.
Robert draped his arm around Devon’s shoulder, pulling her to him. “Old person saying.” He chuckled. “You better get used to them with your ancient grandparents around.”
“Hey you,” Barbara swatted his arm, “I’m only fifty-two years young and I am very hip,”
“Oh yeah, well I’m not sure watching X Factor and knowing who Justin Beiber is quite constitutes hip, but you do try.”
“I know it all son,” she said as we all made our way inside. “I read Heat magazine, you know.” We both laughed and then Barbara turned to me as if just realising I was there. “Oh Grace, you look stunning as always. I’m so glad you could come. It’s like a family reunion and my friends, the Watts, are coming later.”
“The Watts,” Robert groaned, “maybe Grace and I should make ourselves scarce and you can babysit.”
“My pleasure,” she smiled as we walked over the threshold, “just say hello to them. Dinner first, though,” She said.
We made our way into the lounge and suddenly I was surrounded. Bob jumped up to hug Devon, Robert, and me. Owen nodded “hello” from his chair in front of the television. “Merry Christmas,” he said, looking over to us, already familiar with me again.
I cowered in the doorway as Robert entered, shaking his brother's hands, and then Joseph jumped up. “Well look who it isn’t,” he said, making his way over to me. “Looking good, Gracie.” He pulled me into a hug.
“You too.” I smiled, shyly.
“Hey, hands off,” Robert said in a mock menacing voice. Joseph was definitely the joker of the bunch. He had grown into a devastatingly handsome man who most likely had his pick of the ladies. Despite him and Michael both being the middle sons, Joseph was the one with middle child syndrome. He was loud, whacky, an attention seeker, the rebel of the bunch, and always got what he wanted from Barbara. Well, they all did.
Michael smiled at me from across the room. “Hi Grace.”
“Hi,” I said.
“Right,” Barbara began, walking me into the kitchen her arm in mine. It had been remodelled since I was last here in white high gloss and wooden work tops. The kitchen had been knocked through into the conservatory, which was now more built up, and housed a huge oak dining table with bench seats.
“Wow,” I said. “The kitchen looks fantastic.”
“Thanks,” Barbara sighed. “Once the kids left home we had more chance to save, so this was my summer this year, knee deep in dust, rubble, and contractors. Bob’s got to work an extra five years before he retires, but hey ho.” She winked at me. I smiled. “Now, we’re going to order Chinese. I’ve got all the food in for Christmas, but we can’t touch it until Christmas Eve. So it’s Chinese tonight. Do you like Chinese?” she asked, suddenly wary. “And Devon?”
“Oh yes.” I nodded.
“Well, here are the menus, have a look whilst I get us some drinks. Now I know the family thing is probably daunting for you, but don’t panic, tomorrow night will just be close family ‘round for a drink, and Christmas Day is only Grandma and Uncle Terry. Do you remember him?”
Robert entered the kitchen, placing his hand
s on my shoulders. “Mum, you’re rambling.” He laughed. “Grace doesn’t need to be spooked anymore than she already is, and who could forget Uncle Terry?”
“Okay, okay, well you two have a look at the menus and find out what your brothers want. The Watts will be here at seven, so I better check we have enough gin.” She laughed. “I wasn’t joking either. If you want to go out for a drink I’d be happy to babysit, if Devon is okay with that.”
“Erm …” Robert looked to me. “Up to Grace, really.”
“Well I could settle her in bed and then we could go?” I said tentatively.
“Don’t worry I’m not getting drunk, get her in her pyjamas, and she can sit up with us and watch Christmas films. I’d love that.”
“Don’t you usually play cards with the Watts?” Robert laughed.
“We only play rummy and Devon can play, too. She’ll love it, plus the boys will be here.”
“Sod that,” Joseph said from behind, grabbing the Chinese menu from my hands. “If they’re off out, I am too. Christmas Eve Eve deserves a few shickers in town.”
“Oh Joseph, when did you start talking like that? My goodness.” Barbara threw her arms in the air. “He had elocution lessons, as well.” I laughed, taking in their banter. It felt like I had never been away and I was grateful for that. They made me feel at home and being surrounded by this family was definitely easing the worries I had about returning.
“What, you’re all going out?” Barbara said. “I wanted to spend some family time together and also Robert and Grace might want alone time.”
“Sod that,” Joseph said.
“Joseph,” Barbara squeaked. “Language.”
He rolled his eyes. “Family time will be the Banford brothers in the pub after months apart, and Christmas isn’t the time to be alone.” He put his arms around both our shoulders. “Mike, Owen, pub tonight?” he shouted to them in the lounge.
***
We ordered enough Chinese food for twenty people, but the boys made short work of it. We all sat around the large oak dining table, in the new homely kitchen, and Bob had handed out some beers. Barbara offered me wine or gin, but I was happy with a soft drink for now, still settling in. Devon however had them all eating out of the palm of her hand. She laughed along with them and held their attention with her stories of school and Max. Her grandad couldn’t take his eyes off her, and Barbara asked her so many questions that I thought she may protest, but she didn’t. I was in awe of my daughter who behaved as if she had always been a part of this family, and in response I saw how they all doted on her, especially Robert.
Later, I helped Barbara stack the dishwasher.
“Will you see Irene whilst you’re home?” she asked quietly, as the banter continued at the dining table.
“Oh,” I croaked, my voice stuck in my throat, “I …”
“Grace, I hate to interfere but ...”
“You will,” I sighed. She seemed a little shocked by my sarcastic tone.
“Life is short, there are things we cannot change, and things that we desperately wish we could change. I am sure that Irene wishes she had done a lot of things very differently. I don’t want you to look back one day and wish that you had done things differently, maybe forgiven her, or at least given her a second chance.”
I stood up straight and took a deep breath. She could see I was angry, holding in what I couldn’t spit out. How did she know how it felt to be me and deal with what I dealt with, and now I have Devon, I hated my Mum even more. “The thing is, I have seen her, not to talk to, but I do see her around and I think she is doing a bit better.”
“I’m glad,” I said through a tight mouth.
“I just think whilst you’re home, see her, maybe let her explain and maybe that would make you feel better about things, and if it doesn’t then at least you gave it a chance. No one deserves to not know where their child is.” She touched my arm.
“She knew where I was for seventeen years and that didn’t help,” I said through gritted teeth.
“I can see I’ve upset you, I’m sorry, but Grace please take this on board, there may be things you didn’t understand then.” I nodded.
“Sorry Barbara, I don’t mean to be rude, but this is none of your business.” Tears filled my eyes and I walked away quickly to the bathroom. The problem Barbara always had was that she couldn’t fathom a situation where she couldn’t push her nose in, and the boys were so used to her meddling that no one stopped her. It did remind me of Maria’s pep talk, though, about facing my demons, and in that moment I really missed her. I took myself to the bathroom and gave her a quick ring.
Ten minutes later I came out of the bathroom and Robert was waiting. My eyes were a little red and he stood up from his seat at the top of the stairs. “Okay?” he asked, “Mum said that she put her foot in it.”
“It’s fine.” I shook my head. “Just forgotten how nosey she is.” I laughed.
“Well I told her to back off, so you should get twenty-four hours respite.” He pulled me to him and kissed my head. “Sorry,” he whispered.
“Maybe she’s right,” I sighed, “Maria said the same thing, I should see Mum, let her know I’m okay, and see what she has to say, and if it’s nothing then at least I know.”
“Well it is Christmas, remember Home Alone? Families always forgive each other at Christmas.”
“Eh?”
“You know … the neighbour with the shovel gets his family back.”
“Ah …” I smiled to him. “However John McClane just got shot at a lot.”
“Hmmm, Die Hard.” He put his arm around my shoulder and guided me back down the stairs. “But the Grinch's heart melted.”
“How do you know that film?” I laughed. “You’re such a big kid.”
***
I dressed Devon in her pyjamas and she couldn’t wait to sit up with Nana and Grandad. She was so excited for Christmas and relished her new surroundings. Barbara couldn’t wait for Jane and Nigel Watt to meet their precious granddaughter. The Watts were their best friends who they holidayed with, socialised with, and their kids had grown up together. The Watts had two boys, and so this little girl was one special commodity that Barbara could not wait to show off.
“She has the hair of an angel,” I heard Barbara say to Jane as we were making our way out.
“Don’t get too sloshed,” Bob said as we put our coats on to walk to the local pub. “I don’t want a repeat of last New Year’s.”
Joseph sighed, “I was trying to be sick in the bin Dad, I really had no idea it was Owen's wardrobe.” He rolled his eyes and laughed.
“Next time be sick in your own wardrobe,” Owen groaned.
We got to the local pub, The Bull, by nine o’ clock. It was quite daunting since it had been years since I had been there, but nothing had really changed. We ordered drinks, some friends of the boys came in, and they played pool. A girl came in to meet Owen, who he introduced to me. Her name was Lucy she was very sweet, but he said they were just friends. Joseph and Michael didn’t have girlfriends, and if they did they weren’t mentioned. I felt very much like the only girl amongst the Banford brothers again. They teased me, we laughed, reminiscing about the past and Robert held me close. He squeezed my hand under the table, slung his arm around me as we sat, and caught my eye when no one else was looking. It gave me a shiver to see that look again, and it wasn’t lost on both of us that the years may have passed, but nothing had changed. He was still the same man with the same family that I adored, and I was broken and damaged, but he still loved me just as much. I was so grateful that he offered this family for me to be a part of.
That night we walked home from the pub, my arm through his as his brothers cackled and joked, awakening the streets with their drunken laughter. Robert, Devon, and I were sharing his old bedroom; I had only been in there to drop the bags off. There was his old double bed and a camp bed made up by its side. He had offered to sleep on that but snuggled into him tonight walking home, I did
actually wish Devon had been put in the camp bed so we could cuddle. He shook his head smiling as Joseph and Michael began singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their voices. We made it home and all dashed inside for the warmth.
“Devon was dead beat by ten,” Barbara sighed. “She’s such a darling.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“My pleasure, night cap?”
“Yeah,” the boys said enthusiastically. “Still got the cards out?” Joseph asked.
“Yep.” Barbara nodded.
“I’m pretty tired,” I sighed, “it’s been a long day and I want to go and check on Devon.”
“Me too,” Robert said. “I’ll get us a drink and come up.”
“Okay,” Barbara said. She moved in for a hug, the drink easing her inhibitions and mine. “Thank you for coming to us for Christmas.” She squeezed me and Robert smiled at me over her shoulder.
I went upstairs and Devon was sleeping soundly. Barbara had placed her in the camp bed. I knelt next to her and kissed her head. She looked so angelic asleep and here even more so in her daddy’s childhood room. I looked around this room and it seemed just the same as all those years ago with the exception of the football and film posters that had disappeared. The walls were still light blue and the shelves remained lined with books from childhood, teenage years, and I’m sure more recent times. His desk remained the same, but had clearly been tidied away by Barbara. It was just the wonderful sense of the familiar that I hadn’t had the opportunity to feel for many years.
I sat on the bed and was still taking it all in when Robert came in. He smiled at me sheepishly. “Should we move her?” he whispered.
I shook my head. “No, I think I need a cuddle after today.”
We both silently undressed and stepped into pyjamas, or in Robert’s case, a t-shirt and boxer shorts. He didn’t really watch me, nor I him, but we had known each other so well before, that it wouldn’t be awkward. He turned the soft bedside light on, and we both climbed into his double bed, his arm out for me to curl into just like so many times before. He kissed my head and I breathed him in, hugging him and laying my head on his chest.
Waiting for Grace Page 24
