by Lucy Clark
‘Well—’ She started to speak, astonished when her voice came out all squeaky. She cleared her throat and tried again. ‘Well, we’d better go. We’re already running behind our night-time schedule.’
‘No!’ Ruthie clung tighter to John.
‘Come on, Ruthie,’ Mackenzie pleaded, definitely not in the mood for one of her daughter’s tantrums. ‘It’s time for a bath.’
‘I don’t want one.’ If Ruthie had been standing on the ground Mackenzie was sure she would have stamped her foot. She racked her tired, sluggish mind, trying to think of things to sweeten the pot in order to gain her daughter’s co-operation.
‘You can sleep in my bed with me tonight.’ Mackenzie dangled the carrot and John looked at Ruthie and nodded.
‘That sounds good.’
‘You stay, too, John.’
Both adults instantly looked at each other, their eyes widening. A flood of pictures flashed through Mackenzie’s mind, all of them having definitely been a part of her dreams at one time or another
‘Uh…’ John quickly shifted Ruthie in his arms and set her back on the ground. ‘Your mum is right, Ruthie. I do have a lot of work to do so, uh…you head on home and I’ll see you later.’ Even just the thought of stepping foot into Mackenzie’s place was enough to set John’s blood pumping faster around his body.
During his time at the conference he’d felt more disjointed than ever. He’d been surrounded by hundreds of people, some he’d worked with over the years, others he’d only just met for the first time. After his presentation he’d been offered two different jobs, one of which was a travelling Fellowship, something that ordinarily would have appealed to him, but for some reason it now held no temptation.
Unable to shake the discontent he hadn’t expected, he’d left the conference a day early and headed to the Blue Mountains, where he’d enjoyed the solitude, going on a long walk…one that had ended at the exact spot where he’d first met Mackenzie. It was as though his subconscious had taken him back to the place where it had all begun, with him helping a brave woman to breathe through her contractions.
As he’d stood there he’d placed his hand against the tree and closed his eyes. There he’d seen Mackenzie’s bright and smiling face, her laughter, her sparkling eyes, her rosy cheeks, her luscious lips, and for the first time in a long time he was able to draw in a deep and cleansing breath. Mackenzie. Thoughts of her had made him smile, made him feel as though an enormous weight had been lifted from him. ‘Mackenzie.’ He’d breathed her name and the sound had been cleansing and filled with hope.
Then, not two minutes after he’d arrived home, he’d had Ruthie hurtling towards him like she’d done to her mother on the first day he’d met her. It had been the most natural thing in the world to open his arms and scoop her up, and the happiness and love he had for the child had bubbled up through his heart and overflowed.
‘Will you come to the wildlife park?’ Ruthie was asking him rather impatiently, which obviously meant she’d already asked him once and he’d been too busy thinking about her gorgeous mother to listen.
‘I can try,’ he promised, his gaze briefly flicking to see what Mackenzie thought of the idea. She shrugged one shoulder as though it didn’t really bother her. He hoped it did because the last thing he wanted was for Mackenzie to become indifferent to him. Although he may have had an epiphany of sorts up on the Blue Mountains, actually standing in front of her and confessing as much was a completely different kettle of fish.
‘OK, Ruthie. Let’s go inside, please.’
With great reluctance and showing she wasn’t at all happy with having to leave her John, Ruthie ignored Mackenzie’s proffered hand and turned and stomped off towards the house.
‘Excuse my daughter’s bad manners. She hasn’t been herself lately.’
‘Is she all right? She’s not sick?’ The concern in his voice was mirrored in his expression.
‘She’s fine, John.’ Mackenzie was about to say more but stopped and bit her tongue.
‘But you just said—’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ She turned and started walking towards her car.
‘Mackenzie, if there’s something wrong with her, please, let me help.’
She turned back to face him. ‘She misses you, John. She really misses you. She keeps asking me what she’s done wrong because you don’t talk to her any more.’ Mackenzie couldn’t help the surge of anger, frustration and pain that flooded through her. ‘She’s only five and she bonded with you the instant you met. She loves you, John.’
She sniffed and shook her head, looking up at the night sky rather than the look of regret evident in his big blue eyes. ‘It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have let her get so attached. I’ll deal with it. She won’t bother you again.’
John stood there and watched, for the second time, as Mackenzie walked away from him. He knew he should go to her, grab her and kiss her and tell her that he’d been a complete idiot and now that he was more certain of his feelings for her, he never wanted to let either her or Ruthie go. He wanted to tell her that he’d missed them both…but he didn’t.
The words were choking him and so instead he watched Mackenzie and Ruthie disappear into their townhouse, away from his view.
Ruthie loved him? That was…amazing. Fantastic. Brilliant, because he loved her right back. But what about her mother? Had he been too closed off? Too stubborn? Was it too late?
As he went into his own cold and empty townhouse, he dropped his duffel on the ground by the door and barely resisted putting his fist through the wall.
‘You’re an idiot,’ he told himself briskly, because it hadn’t been until the moment he’d seen her walk away tonight that he’d finally realised why he’d missed her so much.
He was in love with Mackenzie Fawles.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
‘LOOK, REGGIE. LOOK!’ Ruthie pulled Reggie over to look at the macaw, which was once again flying around the wildlife park. ‘Last time, Reggie, I got to stroke it and it ate out of my hand and it really tickled.’ She looked up at her mother, who immediately pasted on a smile. ‘Didn’t it, Mummy? It tickled.’
‘So you said,’ Mackenzie agreed.
‘And John and Mummy took photos of me.’ A little frown crinkled Ruthie’s forehead. ‘I wish John was here,’ she stated, and once again looked at her mother as though wanting her to make John materialise from thin air. ‘Why isn’t he here, Mummy?’
Mackenzie glanced at Reggie, silently asking her what to do. Reggie smiled brightly and gave both her shoulders a big shrug, indicating that she really had no clue. They’d been there for the past three hours and everywhere they went Ruthie would tell Reggie what had happened the last time they’d come with John. Every time her daughter mentioned his name, it felt as though a knife was being turned deep within Mackenzie’s heart.
‘Ooh, look at that,’ Reggie said, pointing to a pelican that had flown gracefully over to the large lake, performing a perfect and smooth landing.
‘Ooh, yes.’ Ruthie clapped her hands, successfully diverted once more. In fact, Mackenzie was sure she’d spent much of her time trying her best to divert Ruthie’s attention to different things in order to get her to stop talking about John.
Mackenzie didn’t want to know about John, didn’t want to think about John, didn’t want to—
‘Hello,’ a deep baritone voice, one that had the ability to send her entire body into overdrive, said right behind her. Mackenzie instantly spun round, feeling as though she was hallucinating as she saw John standing there, dressed casually in jeans and navy-blue polo shirt, a wide smile on his face.
‘John!’ She was too shocked to process that he was really there but he was. He was there. He’d promised Ruthie he’d try to make it and he had but…why? If he’d decided not to have anything to do with them, she wished he’d just keep his distance. That way, she at least had some hope to try and find some way of healing her heart.
Before she could say another word
, Ruthie spied John and came running over to him. ‘John. John. John!’ He scooped her up and she wrapped her arms about him, snuggling her little head into his neck, a delighted smile on her face. ‘You’re here. I wished you could come and you did!’ She lifted her head. ‘Look, Mummy. Look, Reggie. John’s here. John’s here.’ She wiggled in his arms, doing a little dance.
‘So I see,’ Mackenzie said, pulling her light cardigan across her body, even though she wasn’t cold.
‘And the macaw’s out again, John.’
‘I know.’ He grinned at Ruthie, seeming very relaxed and at ease. Mackenzie swallowed as hope began to rise within her. Was it possible? Could she take it as read that his presence here meant that…? She stopped her thoughts, knowing she was probably getting ahead of herself once more.
‘And the pelican just did a big skidding landing in the water.’ Ruthie pointed with excitement down towards the lake. ‘Come on, John. Let’s go look at it.’
John pressed a kiss to Ruthie’s cheek before putting her down. ‘I’ll be there really soon,’ he said, ‘but first I just need to talk to your mummy.’
‘But, John.’ Ruthie frowned at him and put her hands on her hips.
‘I feel like ice cream,’ Reggie said from behind them all. ‘Come on, Ruthie, let’s go get an ice cream for everyone and then we can come back and all go down to the lake together.’
‘Ice cream!’ Once more diverted, Ruthie’s smile was back as she slipped her hand into Reggie’s. Mackenzie shot her friend a grateful look before the two of them headed over the kiosk.
‘I must remember to thank Reggie later,’ John remarked as he immediately took Mackenzie’s hand in his and led her over to a shady gum tree.
‘John? What—?’ Still rather annoyed at the way his arrival had not only knocked all rational thought from her mind but had somehow caused her heart to go into palpitations, Mackenzie tried to withdraw her hand from his. He didn’t let her, not until they were both seated on a soft cushion of grass.
‘Sorry. I know I’m being high-handed but I hope you’ll forgive me.’
‘Forgive you? For what?’
‘For being a complete and utter idiot.’
‘Oh?’
‘Mackenzie…you were right. I’ve locked my heart away, I haven’t dealt with my grief, and the truth of the matter…’ He stopped and exhaled slowly, and it was then she started to see not only how nervous he appeared but how difficult it was for him to be this open with her. Still, she held her tongue, knowing it was important for him to do this. He looked down at his hands, then carefully reached out and took hers in his again.
‘The truth is…I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to deal with it.’ He raised his gaze to hers and she saw a man who was completely unguarded, raw and vulnerable.
‘I can’t do this on my own. I don’t want to do this on my own but you’re right. If I want to move forward, to move on with my life, to not live the rest of my life as a robotic nomad then I need…I need to face losing them.’
Mackenzie couldn’t help the tears that pricked behind her eyes at his words. ‘Oh, John. Of course I’ll help you. I’d do anything for you. Anything.’
‘Because you owe me a debt?’
‘No.’ Her smile was wobbly and she rolled her eyes before giving his hand a little squeeze. ‘Because I’m in love with you.’
John stared at her for a moment before exhaling a long and slow breath. ‘I thought I’d ruined everything with my stupid stubbornness.’
She shook her head and lifted his hand to her lips, and John knew he really didn’t deserve such attention from her, but if it was offered, he was going to take it. Mackenzie loved him. She loved him! His heart soared with this news but he knew if they were going to move forward into the future together he needed to be more open about his past.
‘I want to tell you about Jacqueline and Mune-hie.’
‘John, we don’t have to star—’
‘Yes. Yes, we do have to start right now because I’ve already wasted too much time and I want the next phase of my life to begin right this second, with you by my side knowing about my family.’
Mackenzie knew it wasn’t easy for him to share in such a way and seeing the determination in his eyes made her heart burst with love for him. She waited as patiently as she could, not wanting to rush him, and after taking a few long breaths and gathering his thoughts he looked deeply into her eyes.
‘We’d returned to Tarparnii for a quick visit. We took Mune-hie back several times a year, knowing it was important for her to understand her heritage, but while we were there…’ He stopped. ‘The village she came from was a very small one, no more than three huts with about thirty people living there, all of them suffering from malnutrition or disease or…’
He exhaled sharply and she could see the sadness in his eyes as he remembered. ‘When we arrived, we didn’t realise half the village were extremely sick. I managed to radio for back-up support from some of my Pacific Medical Aid buddies who I’d worked with over the years, but by the time they arrived, two days later, twenty of the thirty people had died.’
‘Oh, John.’ Mackenzie raised her free hand to her mouth, her lips trembling as she slowly shook her head from side to side. ‘How utterly devastating.’
‘It was. It turned out to be something like influenza. It’s called yellom cigru fever and a very bad strain had hit the village. Usually, it’s only native Tarparniians who are affected but Jacqueline was always very fragile. She’d survived ovarian cancer but the chemotherapy had made her sick for a long, long time. Her immune system was low and she became infected, too. She suffered a punctured lung and I managed to install a drain to remove the fluid from the pleural cavity but I only had a first-aid kit and the medical supplies were in short supply—’
Mackenzie reached forward and placed her fingers on his lips. ‘Stop. Don’t.’ She shook her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. ‘You don’t need to—’
He clutched at her hand and squeezed it tight, tears in his own eyes as he looked into Mackenzie’s. ‘I couldn’t save her.’
‘John. Oh, John.’ Mackenzie could take it no longer and gathered him close into her arms. He held onto her tightly, needing her support, her arms around him. ‘It was so quick. First Mune-hie, then Jacqueline.’ The words were mumbled against her shoulder and she eased back to look at him.
‘I am so sorry for your loss, John.’ She touched her mouth to his, wanting to offer him healing and love and a belief that he’d made the right decision in opening up to her. ‘Truly. What you must have gone through. No wonder you wanted to bottle it up.’
‘But it was time.’ He eased back and shifted round to lean against the trunk of the large eucalypt, drawing Mackenzie close into the circle of his arms. ‘It was time for me to let go. To move forward.’ He shook his head. ‘Going to the conference and being alone in an impersonal hotel room again made me realise just how empty my life had become, how I’ve spent too long pushing people away.’
‘It’s easy to do and unless you have someone grounding you—’
‘Or holding onto the rope?’ He smiled.
‘Keeping you tethered,’ she hiccuped, returning his smile. ‘It isn’t easy.’
‘I left the conference early.’ His confession caused her eyebrows to rise in surprise. ‘I delivered my paper then high-tailed it out of there. I felt so closed in with nowhere to go so I headed up to the Blue Mountains and went for a hike.’
‘Finding beauty in nature,’ she remarked, waving her hand around at the picturesque landscape presently before them.
‘I went back to the tree where we first met.’
‘Really? I didn’t think you were that sentimental.’
‘Neither did I. I put my hand on that tree trunk and I felt as though I was linked back to you, to Ruthie, to the life I was starting to build here. I want to keep building that life, Mackenzie. I want to build it with you.’
He stared into her eyes. ‘You have brought
such happiness and sunshine into my life and I don’t ever want to let it go. Moving forward, with you, is the only way for me and I’m sorry, so very sorry, if I’ve caused you any pain over the past weeks.’ He raised his eyebrows, giving her a pleading look. ‘Forgive me?’
‘Of course.’ Mackenzie pressed her lips to his as though to prove to him that she meant it. ‘I love you, John Watson. There’s nothing you can do to change that and together we’ll be happy and spread our own brand of sunshine, showering Ruthie and our friends with love and support.’
Neither of them spoke for a few seconds as John kissed her, this woman who was so incredibly wonderful. There was one other thing he needed to clear up, though, to make absolutely sure they were on the same page. He pulled back and looked down into her smiling face. ‘Also, Mackenzie, we perhaps need to discuss…children.’ He swallowed over the question.
Her eyes widened in surprise. ‘Do you want to have more children?’
John nodded then glanced past her to where he could see Ruthie and Reggie heading in their direction, Ruthie’s ice cream beginning to melt everywhere.
‘Ruthie has helped to heal that part of my life, to let me see that I am capable of opening my heart to love a child again.’ He smiled, quite bemused as Ruthie and Reggie drew closer. ‘I used to think it was OK to be Mr Independent, to not need anyone, because isn’t that what independence means?’ He shook his head as though discounting his own question.
‘You and Ruthie have shown me that the more I can open up to you, the more vulnerable I make myself to those who love me and, therefore, I’ll become more open. I realised when I was in the Blue Mountains that although I hadn’t given you and Ruthie permission to infiltrate my heart…you somehow managed to do it. I was being handed a second chance at happiness on a silver platter.’
He pressed his lips to hers before helping her to her feet. ‘I’m grabbing my second chance because the happier I am, the more I can be of value to other people.’
Mackenzie stood beside him, her arms around his neck as she looked into his eyes. ‘You are of value to me already, John.’
