by Susan Juby
During a trip home at New Year’s, she relapsed. Her plan was just to drink, but as soon as she had a drink, the drugs followed. The slip was, she says, what she needed. She went back to meetings and got honest about not “getting it.” Instead of pretending like she had it all together, she would announce, “I don’t know what the fuck you people are talking about.” She got close to several sober women, let go of her old relationship, eased up on work, and enrolled in a program that helped with the transition back to school and eventually college.
I met her during her “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about” phase and still found her uniquely articulate about the experience of being newly sober. Now she’s a magnet for women, young and old, partly because she’s funny and well spoken and partly because she’s honest. Honesty is definitely an attractive ingredient.
I asked Ruby if she had any advice for people new in recovery and she took a moment to consider. “Tell them that just when you think you can’t hang on any more, you can. Even if it’s by your fingernails.” She paused and added, “Oh, and if you don’t put it in your hand, it won’t end up in your mouth. The other thing is, happy people don’t like to feel nothing. Only for addicts and alcoholics, numb is the goal.” In other words, if you don’t allow yourself to feel sadness and discomfort, you can be sure you’re not going to feel happiness. She pointed out that for those of us who’ve crossed the line into addiction, “using to block your feelings will take away any chance of ever being happy again.” Ruby, whose career brings her into contact with many people on the fringes of society, in particular addicts and alcoholics, asked me to remind people that even those of us who are genetically or environmentally predestined to suffer from addiction can get better. She also pointed to the growing body of research that suggests that although anyone can get clean for a while, only people who have ongoing support stay clean.
She says that when she was new she tried not to think in terms of never using again. Instead she thought about trying to create a life, one piece at a time. Today, she doesn’t wear the label of reformed addict/alcoholic. She wants to be judged on her own merits. And they are many.
26
Anonymous, Except to Each Other:
AA, NA, and the Other As
AA
Alcoholics Anonymous is the granddaddy of the twelve-step programs. Most people know someone in movies or on T.V. or in real life who is in AA or was; something like three to four million people have gone to at least one AA meeting.*
Then there are the people who used to go to AA. You might have run into one of these in a bar or at a party. Perhaps this person mentioned that AA doesn’t work. They are right. AA doesn’t work for everyone. Or, in the parlance of AA-types, not everyone works for AA. There are many alternatives to AA, including NA, CA, Rational Recovery, SMART, counselling, therapy, religion, and the ever-popular “doing it on your own.” Nevertheless, AA, practised the way it’s laid out, has a good success rate for people who embrace it.
This last piece of news was greeted with little enthusiasm by my friend at the Cedars. He’d been able to get his head around going to treatment, but membership in a twelve-step program seemed to him to be an intolerable proposition. Many people coming out of treatment centres feel the same. There’s a quip popular in recovery and treatment circles. The patient asks: “How long do I have to go to these meetings?” Answer: “Until you want to.”
George E. Vaillant, author of the most rigorous, long-term study of alcoholics ever done, notes that “AA involvement is the only statistically significant predictor of abstinence.”* This is why many treatment programs introduce patients to AA and NA and encourage them to keep attending when they are released.
To really understand AA you pretty much have to go. And not just once, either. AA meetings have a few things in common: they are based on the twelve steps (see Appendix 1). “Cross-talk” is not allowed; when people share, others are not supposed to jump in and add their thoughts, criticisms, and insights. Some meetings might involve a small group discussing a topic or some piece of AA literature while seated around a table or in a circle. At “podium” meetings, people are called up to a podium to share. At “speaker meetings,” one person tells his or her story for the better part of an hour. Some meetings are “open,” meaning that anyone, including non-alcoholics, can attend, and others are “closed” and meant only for those with a desire to get clean and sober.
The main text for AA is a large blue book referred to as the Big Book. It was written in the thirties and includes the basic outline for the AA program. In addition to the Big Book, there are dozens of other books and pamphlets published by the General Service Office of AA. If you want to know how AA works, I recommend attending a few meetings and reading that literature. Keep in mind that some of the literature can sound dated. Other publications are more contemporary.
Here are a few other things you should know about AA. Every meeting is different. The mix of people, the size, and the format of the meeting all contribute to give each a distinct feel. Some meetings are very loose and allow discussions of issues other than alcohol and drugs, including eating disorders and other kinds of addictions. At other meetings, talking about anything other than your experiences as they relate to alcohol is seriously frowned upon. Generally “newcomers” or people at their first meetings are warmly welcomed and given a lot of slack. You can usually get a sense of a meeting in the first few minutes, and certainly you’ll have a sense of a particular meeting after attending it two or three times. Keep in mind that if you join a meeting, you will help to influence its flavour.
Vaillant points out that “attendance at AA is not usually a hedonistic prescription. Sitting on hard chairs in smoke-filled church basements, drinking bad coffee, and listening to poor sound systems and often poorer speakers several evenings a week can feel more like treating one’s wounds with iodine or major surgery than with opiates.” (Note to the newcomer: you can’t smoke in meetings any more. Sorry.) Nevertheless, with persistence a newly sober member will probably find meetings become not just rewarding but even invigorating.
There are meetings for young people, meetings for women, meetings for men and meetings for gays and lesbians, doctors, and lawyers. There are meetings in prisons, halfway houses, and detox centres. AA is sometimes accused of being a cult. I would agree that there are AA members whose enthusiasm borders on alarming, but I am willing to bet that those members were probably even more alarming when they were loaded.
If the term “cult” bothers you, you will be relieved to hear that AA does not fit the sociological definition. For one thing, there are no authoritarian leaders and there are definitely no charismatic leaders. Also, AA doesn’t ask anyone to tithe their money. In fact, it has taken a vow of corporate poverty. People drop money in a basket to cover the group’s expenses, like rent and coffee and tea, and to maintain an office where phones are answered. Nobody is getting rich. For more information about how AA works and handles money, see the Twelve Traditions, which are a list of principles governing the operation of AA groups and the AA program as a whole, or look at the literature on how the organization is structured.
AA is said to make suggestions, but it doesn’t tell anyone what to do. Well, some people in AA will tell you what to do, but you don’t have to listen. No one gets kicked out of AA for not following orders. But AA is an interesting subculture, complete with unspoken ideas about what is acceptable and what is annoying. Here are some hints that were passed along by several people with whom I spoke.
If you are asked to share at a meeting, try not to be a “long talker.” Long talkers are, as you might expect, people who consistently talk for too long. Because AA emphasizes sharing and opening up, it can be tempting to go on at length and in tremendous detail. This is perfectly acceptable once in a while, especially if you’re having trouble. But if there are twenty people attending a one-hour meeting and you always take up thirty minutes of the available time, people will get irritate
d with you, although they probably won’t say anything (unless they happen to be one of those crusty old-timers who are apt to share their feelings with little inhibition). In other words, don’t monopolize the meeting. AA is like the rest of the world: no one wants to listen to someone who loves to hear themselves talk. If you get a reputation for being a long talker, people won’t ask you to share.
If you are shy, not being asked to share might seem like a blessing, but it’s not. One person I interviewed suggested that people in AA get well in direct proportion to how often and honestly they share. In other words, if you stay clammed up for three years and say “pass” every time anyone asks you to share, no one will get to know you and you won’t have had the humbling yet liberating experience of wondering whether you just made an ass of yourself with that story you told about vomiting into a hat at your sister’s wedding.
One thing that is prized above all else in AA is honesty. If you are asked to speak in an AA meeting and you don’t know what to say, admit that. Try not to “talk a line” or to lie, even though if you’re anything like me, those things come naturally. If you’re at the stage of early recovery where you realize you don’t know yourself, how you feel or what you think, say that. People will relate.
If you attend an AA meeting out in the community while you’re in treatment, remember that most of the people in the room are not in treatment, and again, try to talk about your troubles with substances rather than your interpersonal problems with your roommates.
People attending AA meetings are encouraged not to overdo it with the “war stories” or “drunkalogues.” These are stories about your addiction that illustrate how incredibly bad-ass you were. Some meetings ask people to “qualify” at the beginning. That doesn’t mean that you should go on and on about exactly how much you drank, what you drank, and how many women you nailed when you drank. For example. Too much emphasis on the dirty specifics can trigger people’s cravings, and romancing the dragon of addiction is dangerous. Besides, glorifying yourself as an addict–alcoholic is counterproductive and, frankly, a little boring.
The same applies to getting too specific about extremely personal things in meetings. AA meetings feel like safe places to get real, and they are, but you will want to do so in a somewhat general way. If you’ve committed crimes, it’s best not to detail them in meetings. If you have a lot of sexual secrets, same thing. Don’t say anything in meetings that could get you arrested. What you say in meetings is supposed to stay in the meeting and most of it will. But you aren’t dealing with trained CIA interrogators. There may be the odd leak.
If you are dually addicted (i.e., drugs are part of your story), welcome to the twenty-first century. Drugs are part of almost everyone’s story. One treatment centre counsellor I met said that almost everyone going into treatment is poly-addicted. Many people are addicted to whatever happens to be handy. He told me that counsellors have been known to fight over people with a single addiction. Thus, while people in AA introduce themselves as alcoholics, many are also drug addicts. AA emphasizes abstinence from drugs and alcohol, and the only requirement for membership is a “desire to stop drinking.” It is also a well-established program with a lot of members who have long-term sobriety, so you may find many people attending whose drug of choice was not alcohol. At some meetings it’s considered fine to introduce yourself as an alcoholic/addict. At others, such a statement will be frowned on by grumpy purists. The reality is that AA would be a rather small organization if it limited itself only to “pure” alcoholics.
As for the literature, any time a plan for living is written down, it seems inevitable that some people will want to turn it into dogma and suggest that nothing about the original wording can change. There are people for whom AA’s Big Book is a sacred text. For instance, the Big Book, the first edition of which was published in 1939, uses the male pronoun throughout. God is also a “he.” There is a chapter addressed to “the wife.” The stories at the back of the book have been revised several times to reflect the changing demographics of people in recovery, but the first sections have, so far, been left as is. Not everyone finds this kind of language welcoming. But there are some people in AA who get very excited about any suggestion that the antiquated language might be offputting. They worry about being faithful to “what the founders intended.” Fundamentalists of all kinds are tiresome, including ones in AA. If you encounter someone like this, find another meeting or learn to tune the person out—unless you find their approach helpful and decide that fundamentalism is the ticket for you. Ignore the things that bother you and keep an open mind about the rest.
As the most successful self-help program in history, AA has shown that it’s getting quite a few things right. And you can be sure that even the most dogmatic person is still rooting for you and would, more than likely, do anything in his or her power to help you stay clean and sober.
Sponsorship
The right sponsor can make a huge difference to people in all stages of recovery, particularly those who are new. That said, many people are reluctant to get a sponsor because it can feel embarrassing and lame to go up to someone you may not know very well and say, “Hey, will you be my special friend?” Horror at the prospect of such vulnerability (and the prospect of rejection) is one of the reasons some of us drank and used drugs in the first place.
It can be tempting to pick the first person you see, like I did. These relationships often work out well. Stars align and we click perfectly with our “impulse” sponsor. If you are afraid of rolling the dice, you can ask people with more sobriety if they could recommend someone.
If you want to take some time and choose your own, here are some of the guidelines people use when choosing sponsors. Do you like the person? If you don’t, you’re probably not going to call him or her when you get in the weeds. However, if you feel like you don’t know what to say to him or her, it might just be a matter of giving it some time. Chances are, you have trouble connecting with lots of people with the full weight of sober consciousness pressing down on you.
Does the person have a reasonably happy and functional life? Or is the person in constant chaos? The person with the calmer life is the better bet. This might sound obvious, but most of us are comfortable with a certain level of drama and instability. The problem with sponsors who live with a lot of turmoil is that they might have trouble focusing on you, since they will be barely keeping their own head above water/out of jail/out of small claims court.
There are exceptions. Everyone runs into trouble now and then. Anyone who’s been sober more than six months has probably experienced relationship difficulties or money problems. The people with long-term sobriety that I interviewed suggested that having a sponsee can be a lifesaver in such a situation. In other words, you will also be helping the person who sponsors you.
Try to find a sponsor with a decent length of sobriety (at least two or three years) and find one who is the same sex, unless you are gay, lesbian, or transgendered. Then find someone of a gender that doesn’t appeal. Or simply find someone for whom you aren’t going to develop a case of the hots. It’s easier.
The important point is to find a sponsor who likes you. This sounds basic, but it can be tempting to ask the coolest person in the room. The one with some tenuous connection to Hollywood or the one who drives the nicest car. This is all fine, but won’t necessarily lead to the best bond. If you’re worried no one will like you, don’t be. There will be someone who likes you. This revolutionary notion is one of the most amazing things about recovery. There’s someone for everyone, or as I’ve heard people say, there’s a wrench for every nut. If you’re wondering, ask yourself whether the target greets you warmly. Does he or she seem to genuinely care how you are? Those are good indicators.
Now, it can be difficult to get a handle on these things during a one-hour meeting at which the target may speak only once or not at all. This is where temporary sponsorship comes in. Many treatment centres require patients to find a sponsor in A
A or NA before they are discharged. Obviously, you are not going to be able to do the kind of in-depth sleuthing I’ve talked about here. In that case, you can ask someone with a friendly face to be your “temporary sponsor.” A temporary sponsor will be in that role until you find another sponsor. Your temporary sponsor may become your permanent one. (Most people have more than one sponsor over the course of their sobriety.)
How can you tell you have a good sponsor? Does he or she listen? Does he or she offer clear advice when you ask for it? No advice when advice is not sought? Does he seem to be active in recovery? Do you feel like she’s on your side? Honest but supportive?
Those are all great things.
Of course, a sponsee has a role to play, too. If you have a sponsor, but never talk to him or her, you are fooling yourself. If you tell your sponsor lies or continue to act in ways that are harmful to you and your recovery, you may find yourself looking for a new sponsor. Sponsors are there to support you in your recovery. They are not financial advisors, relationship counsellors, or doctors. Advice about matters other than recovery should be taken under advisement.
Sponsorship is basically a special support system between friends who share their experiences with one another. When they go well, sponsor–sponsee relationships can feel touched by magic. The odd and slightly hokey formality of the arrangement is one of its strengths. We are forced to do something that doesn’t come naturally and that is to ask for help from another human being rather than turn to a drink or a drug for instant solace.
