Faith laughed. "I know what you mean."
While Alex concentrated on maneuvering through the downtown traffic, Faith and Jessie chatted about San Francisco and life in general. In just the few days Jessie had been with him, she'd lost a lot of her toughness. Her language still left a lot to be desired, but she was clearly blossoming. Alex couldn't help wondering what would happen when her real father showed up. He knew Jessie didn't believe that would happen. But the investigator had called him earlier that day, saying he expected to have a definite location for Eddie Saunders very soon.
Alex should have spent the rest of the day celebrating instead of worrying, but he couldn't help wondering what Eddie Saunders would be like. Was he a good guy? Would he love Jessie? Would he take care of her, provide for her? Or would he leave her the way he'd left Melanie?
Alex's muscles tensed at the irony of the situation. Melanie had left him for Eddie, and Eddie had left her for God knew who. They'd all ended up alone. Even Jess. He heard her laugh and glanced into the rearview mirror. She and Faith were looking at a magazine and sharing female advice about clothes.
That was what Jessie really needed -- a mother. Maybe Eddie Saunders would be married. Then Jessie would have the family she deserved. Otherwise, Jessie would be stuck with him and his crazy grandfather. What kind of a family would they make?
A good one, Faith would say. But only if she was in it. The thought came to his mind and wouldn't leave. If he married Faith, then they could be mother and father to Jessie. They could be a family.
No!
He didn't want a family. He didn't need a family.
"You're quiet," Julian commented. "Worried we'll find her or worried we won't?"
"Just worried," Alex said with a sigh. "I don't have a good feeling about any of this."
"You have to start looking for the bright side, Alex. You can't live the rest of your life in the dark."
"Who says I can't?"
Julian shook his head. "So stubborn. You can't even see you've been offered a gift, several really. All you have to do is take them."
"No, thank you. Those gifts come with strings attached, long, thick, tangled strings."
"You can build a pretty nice nest with string."
"You can also hang yourself," Alex said darkly.
* * *
Faith looked away from the magazine, feeling moisture cloud her eyes. Alex's voice held such sadness, such hopelessness. She'd never met a man who truly didn't believe in love. And it scared her, because he sounded so definite, as if there was no chance he would change his mind.
She wanted him to change his mind, she realized. She wanted it more than anything. Because she was falling in love with him. And despite her bravado in telling herself she could handle a one-night stand, she knew she wanted more, much more.
Faith bit down on her lip, holding her emotion in check. She couldn't let him see how she felt. He'd given her what he had to give, and she'd taken it. It would have to be enough.
"That's it," Julian said excitedly, pointing to a white ranch-style house on the corner.
The neighborhood was modest, with small homes, neat yards, and family cars in the driveways. There was nothing sinister here, nothing to explain the sudden uneasiness that assailed her. For the first time, Faith realized just how much she wanted to find Suzannah. She had the feeling that Suzannah would understand about the dreams. Maybe she'd had them, too.
Alex shut off the car and turned in his seat so he could see Faith. "What now?"
"We go up and knock on the door."
Julian stared at the house. "I'm not sure I can do this. What if Suzannah is there?"
"It's her brother-in-law's house," Faith said. "I don't think she's there."
"She could be. I don't know that I can face her."
"Why the hell are you looking for her if you can't face her?" Alex asked wearily.
"I'll go," Faith said quickly. She sent Alex a sharp look. "It would be better for Julian to wait here, don't you think?"
"I guess. You wait with him," he told Jessie.
Jessie made a face at being left in the car. "I want to see Suzannah."
"If she's there, we'll call you," Faith said, slipping out of the car. She met Alex on the sidewalk. "Ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be."
"You don't believe we'll find Suzannah?"
"I'm not sure I even believe there is a Suzannah."
"Someday, Alex, I'm going to make a believer out of you," Faith promised. She strode forward and rang the bell, praying that someone in the house could lead them to Suzannah.
Chapter Nineteen
The door opened after a few moments. A young woman stood in the entryway, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, and holding a toddler on one hip. She looked tired and frazzled. "Yes?"
Faith exchanged a quick look with Alex. He shrugged as if to tell her to go ahead.
"We're looking for Russell Conrad," Faith said. "Does he still live here?"
The woman looked taken aback. "My grandfather? You're looking for my grandfather? You mean you don't know?"
Faith felt her heart sink to her stomach. "Know what?"
"My grandfather died six months ago. Were you friends of his?''
"Not exactly," Alex said when Faith couldn't think of what to say next. He tipped his head toward the car. "My grandfather was looking for him. Actually, he was looking for Russell's sister-in-law, Suzannah Conrad. Is she by any chance still alive?"
The woman shushed the baby as she started to cry. "Suzannah Conrad was married to my great-uncle Harry." The woman sent them a suspicious look. "Why are you asking all these questions?"
Alex offered the woman a charming smile. "I'm sorry. We should have explained. You see, my grandfather was once very good friends with Suzannah."
"They were sweethearts," Faith added, "before she met her husband, of course."
"Oh. Well, I wouldn't know about that."
"My grandfather, Julian Carrigan, has something that belonged to Suzannah," Alex said. "He's ill now, getting up in years, and, well, he'd like to try to find her so he could return it. If you have any idea where she might be..."
The woman shifted the baby to her other hip. "Suzannah moved away after my great-uncle died. I'm not sure where she went."
"Is there anybody else in the family who might know?" Faith asked.
"No." The woman thought for a second. "I suppose my grandmother might know where Suzannah is. She keeps in touch with everyone."
"Your grandmother?" Faith echoed, feeling renewed hope in their chances of finding Suzannah.
"Yes, but she's not here. She lives in Denver."
"Do you have her phone number?" Faith asked.
The woman hesitated. "If you give me your number, I'll call her. If she wants to call you, she can."
"Good enough," Alex said. He took out his business card and jotted his home number on the back. "She can reach me at either of these numbers."
"All right." The woman took the card and started to shut the door, but Faith stopped her.
"Please tell your grandmother how important it is that we find Suzannah. An old man's life might just depend on it."
"I'll see what I can do."
The woman shut the door without another word.
"Laying it on a bit thick, weren't you?" Alex asked.
She shrugged. "It is important to your grandfather, even if it's not to you."
"Do you think the grandmother is really going to call?"
She took his hand and squeezed it. "We have to have faith."
He smiled. "I'd like to have Faith -- in my bed, on the couch. Did I tell you about the Jacuzzi tub in my bathroom?"
She caught her breath at the invitation in his eyes. "No."
"It's big enough for two."
"You're inviting me over to bathe with you?"
"Among other things."
"If I spent the night at your house, I might not leave. I might stay till the morning. Then what would you do?'' s
he asked, half serious, half joking.
"Hmm, could be a problem -- but it might be worth it."
Jessie opened the car door and motioned for them to come, obviously impatient to hear what they'd learned. Faith slid into the car next to her and smiled at Julian. "She's going to have her grandmother call us. She might know where Suzannah is."
Julian's mouth trembled as he tried to speak. "Suzannah is alive? Well, of course she must be if the young woman's grandmother knows where she is."
"She didn't know for sure, but she thinks so." Faith wished she had better news, but at least it was a start. They had actually made contact with Suzannah's family.
"She must be alive," Julian said more confidently. "So what shall we do now?"
"Wait, I guess."
"Wait? That's it? You don't have another idea?"
"Not at the moment, but I have a feeling we're going to hear from this woman very soon. In the meantime, we'll just have to keep positive thoughts and try to stay busy."
* * *
Alex hadn't thought keeping busy would mean participating in an egg-coloring bonanza in his kitchen, but somehow over dinner at Johnny's Rib House, Jessie had convinced him that they absolutely had to color eggs for Easter, which was how he found himself fingers deep in red and green dye.
"You're leaving it in there too long," Jessie told him.
He frowned at her. "I want it dark green."
"Why?"
"Because I like dark green."
"I like to mix colors, red on the top, yellow on the bottom." She flipped her egg over with a deft movement, managing to keep a fine line between her colors.
"Where did you learn that?" Alex asked in amazement.
"Faith taught me."
Faith, of course, their Easter egg guru. He couldn't help glancing at her. She stood in front of the stove, boiling yet another dozen eggs. Her glorious red hair tumbled around her shoulders in a mess of waves and tangles that had come from the wind and Faith's own restless fingers. She had a habit of running her fingers through her hair while she was thinking, and coloring Easter eggs seemed to generate a lot of thought. There were many decisions to be made about stickers and colors and invisible ink that mysteriously appeared when the eggs dried.
He smiled to himself, silently admitting that he was having a good time. The kitchen was warm and cozy. Julian had bypassed the egg coloring, but was sitting at the table reading the newspaper, glancing up every now and then to comment on their progress. And Faith danced around the kitchen, throwing herself into every project with the same boundless enthusiasm and optimism that seemed to be an inherent part of her personality.
She'd been kicked around as a kid; he knew that. He couldn't imagine the total abandonment that she'd gone through. At least he knew who his obnoxious relatives were. She had no idea. Yet she still hoped, she still dreamed. And she tempted him to dream, too, to believe the promise of her sparkling green eyes, her dazzling smile, her soft, loving heart.
"It's going to turn black if you don't take it out." Jessie nudged him with her elbow.
He pulled his egg out of the bowl with a grimace. Jessie was right. His egg was a dark, dirty green and not particularly appealing.
"That looks like shit," Jessie said.
"Watch your mouth."
"Try some pink. That should lighten it up." Jessie pushed another bowl toward him. "You're not very good at this, Alex."
"I haven't had a lot of practice."
"How's it going?" Faith asked, as she came over to the table. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of Alex's poor egg. "Oh, dear. I'm not sure the Easter Bunny will take that one."
"Very funny. Like there is really an Easter Bunny. Even Jessie doesn't believe that."
"You don't believe in the Easter Bunny, Jess?" Faith shook her head in mock despair. "You don't know what you're missing."
"The Easter Bunny never came to my house," Jess said. "Not even when I was little. Melanie said eggs were bad for you anyway." Jessie stirred her egg, her eyes thoughtful and somewhat sad. "We went to one of those hunts once, but I didn't do it. It seemed silly."
Faith put her arm around Jessie's shoulders and gave her a squeeze. "I know, Jess. The Easter Bunny skipped a few of my houses, too. But that doesn't mean we can't still get in the spirit of the holiday, right?"
"The nuns should have named you Pollyanna," Alex said grumpily. How could she still get giddy about a holiday involving a mythical bunny?
"Just because I don't choose to dwell on the dark side of life doesn't mean I haven't seen it. But what's the point? You can either cry or you can laugh. I got tired of crying a long time ago."
He met the challenge in her eyes and nodded in appreciation. "So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again."
She laughed. "Now you sound like your grandfather."
Alex was horrified at the possibility. "I'm sorry, I'll never quote anything again. I promise."
"I think you need another egg."
"That's not all I need," he whispered as she leaned forward to pick up an egg.
He heard the small catch in her breath and it set off an immediate response, so strong he felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach. He couldn't believe how much he wanted this woman. It was insane, irrational, impossible. Julian looked at him in surprise.
"Are you all right, Alex?"
"I think the vinegar is getting to me." He waved a hand in front of his face to cool his heated skin.
"That's not all that's getting to you," Faith muttered, her small smile clearly triumphant.
It was a good thing Julian and Jessie were in the room or he'd have laid her down on the table and showed her just how much she was getting to him. Instead he plopped an egg into a bowl of blue dye and prayed for a distraction.
A few minutes later his prayer was answered. The phone rang, and he jumped to his feet, eager to get out of the cozy kitchen, away from Faith, away from the impracticality of his thoughts.
He reached for the phone in the hall. "Hello?"
"Hello. I'm looking for Alex Carrigan." The woman said the words slowly and somewhat nervously, and Alex felt his stomach clench. He had not expected a call. In fact, he'd hoped against it, because then they could have ended the search without any more complications.
"This is Alex," he replied, hoping it was just a salesperson and not who he thought it was.
"My name is Dorothea Conrad."
So much for hope. "Yes?"
"My granddaughter said you're looking for my sister-in-law, Suzannah."
He couldn't believe it. There really was a Suzannah. For some reason, he'd never been quite sure, despite the letters attesting to her existence. But here he was, speaking to someone who actually knew Suzannah, someone other than his grandfather. "Mrs. Conrad, thank you for calling," he said finally, not quite sure what to say now that he had her on the phone. He turned around and saw Faith standing at the end of the hall, her eyes expectant and worried. He motioned for her to come forward, mouthing the words, "Dorothea Conrad."
'"My granddaughter said you wanted to find Suzannah for your grandfather?''
"That's right. My grandfather, Julian Carrigan, knew Suzannah a long time ago. In fact, they spent a summer together in Arizona when they were just out of high school. He has something that belongs to her, and, well, he's getting on in years, and decided he'd really like to give it back to her before -- before long."
Dorothea didn't say anything for a moment. "Suzannah never mentioned your grandfather's name to me."
"It was a long time ago." Alex held the phone out so Faith could hear what Dorothea was saying.
"Well, I'm getting on in years myself, and I can appreciate your grandfather wanting to tie up any loose ends. I just don't know that Suzannah feels the same way."
"Could you ask her?" Alex held his breath, not quite sure when he'd become so caught up in the search. But now he felt almost as desperate as his grandfather.
"Perhaps. It's funny you should me
ntion Arizona, because Suzannah moved there two years ago, after Harry died."
Alex saw the surprise in Faith's eyes, then the under standing. Suzannah had gone back to where it had begun. It was time for Julian to return as well.
"Ask her where in Arizona," Faith whispered.
Alex started, suddenly realizing he was letting seconds go by without saying a word. "Where in Arizona did she go, Mrs. Conrad?"
"She lives outside of Flagstaff. Oh, dear, I probably shouldn't have said that. Listen, I can't just give out Suzannah's address to a stranger. I'll call her and ask her if she'd like to speak to your grandfather."
"That would be great," Alex said. "Before you go, though, can you tell me if Suzannah remarried?"
"No, she didn't."
"Children?"
"No," Dorothea said regretfully. "They never had children. Sometimes I feel bad that Suzannah is all alone in the desert, but that seems to be the way she wants it. She's a very private person, you know. That's why I wouldn't feel right giving out her phone number."
"I can understand that, but if you wouldn't mind calling her, I know my grandfather would appreciate it."
Alex hung up the phone. "She's going to call Suzannah."
"I heard," Faith said, her green eyes glittering with anticipation. "This is unbelievable. We found her." She put her hand on his arm. "Do you know what this means?"
He smiled down at her. "I think we should wait and see what Suzannah says before we start celebrating. She may not even remember my grandfather."
"I don't think Julian is easy to forget."
"You're probably right about that."
"We're close, Alex. I can feel it in my bones." She gave him an impulsive hug, her arms sliding around his waist, her hair brushing against his cheek.
Alex took in a deep breath, the scent of her hair and body arousing him once again. He pulled her tight against his body, wanting to feel every inch of her, to press himself into her warmth, to taste her lips, to touch her breasts, to feel her legs wrap around him. Kissing her again seemed as important as taking his next breath, and he dove for her lips as if only she could provide him with the oxygen needed to survive.
He took her by surprise, delving into the warm cavern of her mouth before she could protest or resist, and she melted into him like a flower opening up for the sun. She bloomed in his arms, her lips lush, her scent intoxicating. He lost all track of time and place. He would have made love to her there, in the hall, against the wall, without a second thought if she hadn't pulled away, if she hadn't put her hand against his chest.
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