by Jo Jakeman
The road signs proclaimed that the national speed limit applied on the light-free road, though cars were accelerating a long way before the sign was upon them. Apart from the occasional car passing too closely to the narrow pavement, Imogen felt remarkably serene. Not even Phillip’s foul temper and the broken wine glass could shake her contentment. She looked at the night sky and sent her mind forward to when she would have a baby in her arms and she would show it the stars. She would promise her the moon, if that was what she wanted. She had never felt so happy. Significant. Useful.
Throughout her life she had been an ‘add-on’. Someone who was only invited to parties as a ‘plus one’. Always the second name on the Christmas cards, and the last person on someone’s mind when they wanted to call a friend. She hadn’t kept in touch with any friends from school and she’d dropped out of university after the first term.
It was easier to start afresh and to keep people at arm’s length because, when people knew you, they wanted to know all of you, they felt they had the right to pry. To some, she said her parents lived a peaceful life in Norfolk. To others, she said they had died days apart, after a long and happy marriage. But to Phillip she had told the truth through tears and reddened cheeks. Her father’s suicide was a constant reminder that, as a child, she wasn’t good enough to make him stay and face another day. Her head, and her therapist, told her that wasn’t the case, but there were still days when she believed it.
She had begun to think that she could create something fresh and new and pure, with a family of her own, and protect it from the past, becoming the nucleus of happiness and safety for a child or two. And now that she was growing life within her, she had never felt so powerful. She was capable of so much. This baby was giving her a second chance to live the childhood that had been denied to her. She hardly remembered what it was like to have both parents at her side. When she lost her father, she’d lost her mother too – mentally at least. This baby would wipe the slate clean. This baby would show her what it was like to love for love’s sake, and not as a means to an end. This baby gave her hope.
As she wandered into the night, the hedgerows took on a pungent aroma of earthy foliage and the bitter brown scent of decaying leaves. Imogen always found autumn to be the saddest of times. She felt an unqualified sorrow for the brown and limp leaves, wondering if they knew they were reaching the end of their lives and one strong gust of wind would end it completely. Even the ripening of blackcurrants made her sad for the end of summer days and late-evening barbecues.
There were no cars now. A light and delicate quiet fell past her ears. She didn’t know how long she had been walking, but she knew that, if she was too long, Phillip would be angry. Or, rather, angrier. She should have turned back, but her feet kept on moving. Her hips ached from sitting down most of the day. The baby wasn’t big yet, but it managed to lie in such a way that caused her immense discomfort and the walk was loosening her joints. The cool night air was a balm on her hot skin.
She had expected Phillip to want a boy to play football with, attend matches with, to teach the ways of the world to. It made her think about her own father. It was no myth that girls had a special bond with their fathers, but if Phillip were ever to let their daughter down, like her own father had, then it was likely to do irreparable damage. No, she had wanted a boy. A resilient, hard-wearing boy that she could teach to respect women and show his softer side, and to know that true strength came from the heart, not the hand. But now she knew that the life inside her was a girl, she couldn’t imagine anything else.
She’d been thinking about names. She favoured old-fashioned, below-stairs ones like Daisy, Alice and Iris. Phillip liked the classics like Charlotte, Rebecca and Elizabeth. They’d know her name when they laid eyes on her.
A car sped past her too close and she was buffeted by the force. She really should turn back. She looked over her shoulder, surprised to see how far behind her the town was now. She slowed her pace and took one last look at the night sky, imagining her father’s face becoming visible through the dot-to-dot sky.
Daddy? she thought. You’re going to have a granddaughter.
For a moment, the road was empty. A sense of unbelievable calm settled over her. She thought she heard an owl hoot, smelled frost on the air. She placed her hands over her belly and, as if the baby felt her there, it gave her a nudge and somersaulted. It wasn’t an altogether enjoyable feeling, but neither was it unpleasant.
She turned away from the open road and set her sights on the orange street lights that fringed the village. She heard a car on the road behind her, going too fast in too low a gear. Its headlights were on full beam and it cast Imogen as a shadow across the narrow pavement. She heard the change in tone as the car changed gear, but the engine was still labouring as it neared her. She walked slowly, in no hurry to face Phillip’s bad mood, wanting to hold on to the vestiges of contentment.
The engine sound was rising. Boy racers, she thought to herself. She began to turn, intending to shake her head at the driver as he sped past, but the car veered wildly towards her. The front end of the car lurched upwards as it climbed the deep pavement and hit her side-on. The lights scorched her eyes and made green imprints on her vision.
It’s true what they said about time slowing down when your life was being torn from you, though she didn’t see her life flash before her eyes. She saw a young girl with red hair, smiling, skipping, and then fading as her future was wiped away. Iris. She looked like an Iris.
Imogen’s feet left the ground and she arced through the air. The car lights were beneath her now. She soared through the purple night, closer to the stars than she had ever been.
She had time to think, Look after her for me, Daddy, before she blacked out. And then there was nothing. Only darkness, inside and out.
TWENTY-FOUR
10 days before the funeral
I put the phone back, letting my hand linger on the smooth black arch of the handset. The game had changed.
Phillip had been almost playful on the phone, asking how we’d done it. He wanted to know who’d let us out of the cinema room. There was genuine interest in his voice, but I wasn’t about to tell him our secrets. Through terse laughter, he said he had ways of finding out.
‘I know every little thing you do. A little bird whispers in my ear,’ he said.
I didn’t rise to it. I knew he wanted me to think the worst of Naomi and Ruby; and to doubt whose side they were on. The truth was, I didn’t need any encouragement to distrust those around me, but I was as sure as I could be that this was another one of his games. If either Naomi or Ruby was working with him, he wouldn’t be so keen to alert me to the fact.
‘Why don’t you come on over?’ I asked. ‘It’ll be like old times. You can sleep in the cellar and we’ll go back to plan A. We’ve got a lot to chat about, you and me.’
‘Oh, don’t worry. I’m not far away. I’m always watching you.’
‘So, what are you waiting for?’
‘The grand finale,’ he said, then hung up.
I slammed the back door. There would be no luring him into the cellar now. Phillip was back in control, and we were back to waiting to see what he was going to do next. There was no point hiding in the shadows.
We turned the lights back on and sat in front of the fire. Ruby was in the armchair and Naomi and I sat on the floor with our backs against the sofa. If he was watching, let him see that we weren’t scared.
‘If I hadn’t answered the phone, he would’ve thought we were still in the cellar. I’m such an idiot.’ Naomi was being hard on herself.
‘It was always a long shot,’ I said. ‘In some ways nothing has changed, except that he has the freedom to do something unexpected. Some things stay the same. We have to gather enough evidence against Phillip to get a restraining order. We can do that with or without him in the cellar. If either of you wants to leave now, I won’t stop you.’
Naomi patted my arm, like I was a deluded elderly relati
ve. ‘You don’t honestly think I’m going back home to let him lay into me again? Safety in numbers, duck. I’m going nowhere until we know he can’t hurt us.’
‘What about you, Ruby?’
‘Yes. Yes, I might. If someone has taken the dogs to a vet’s, they’ll have found they’re chipped and will be calling my home. I should probably get going while the weather’s good.’
I nodded. ‘Stay safe, though, yeah? I don’t think he’ll go after you, he’s most angry with me. And if he does contact you, don’t tell him where Alistair is.’
‘I don’t know where Alistair is,’ she said. ‘Where is he, by the way?’
Naomi deflected the question by turning to me and saying, ‘Just me and you then.’
I watched the flames dance in the hearth, wondering what Phillip would do next. He’d already hurt us physically, and Alistair was safe from his reach for now. But Phillip didn’t know that.
I had already called Chris Miller, the DC whose wife had an affair with Phillip; he’d agreed to see me on Monday morning. I hoped I could count on him to help me build a case for a restraining order.
I was sure Phillip’s desire for custody of Alistair was at best a passing whim, at worst an attempt at revenge. In a fair fight, a court would rule in my favour, but Phillip didn’t play fair. If I were to get the upper hand I needed to stay one step ahead of him. His reputation was spotless. His service record exemplary. If I could put the slightest question in people’s minds as to his suitability as a father, then he would have no power over me.
I leaned back in my chair and stretched my arms above my head; my ribs popped gently and my back cracked.
Thud!
We snapped our heads towards the window. The sound was loud and close by. The shutters were closed, so I couldn’t immediately see what had caused the noise.
I leapt to my feet and crossed steadily to the window. I listened. Nothing. I pushed the slats open, peering with one eye, then two. There were two cars on the driveway, Ruby’s and Naomi’s. At first I couldn’t see what was wrong – what might have caused the sound. Naomi pulled the shutters open further.
‘Shit, Ruby! Your car,’ she said.
On the bonnet of her car was a brick. Her windscreen was a concave spider-web where a solid sheet of glass should have been. The street lights were dim, but the light over the front porch cast a spotlight on the damage.
‘Childish,’ I muttered. I thought Ruby was still in the room with us, until I heard the front door open. ‘Ruby! Don’t go out there.’
I went after her, cautiously, knowing that Phillip wasn’t far away. Naomi peered over the hedges for signs of Phillip, but saw nothing. I hadn’t expected him to carry out childish acts of vandalism. I was flustered and skittish. It unnerved me that he was still close by.
Ruby sniffed back tears. I put my arm loosely around her shoulders, still looking all about me. I could feel his eyes on us. ‘Maybe even get those wipers sorted, eh? But you’re not going anywhere tonight. Hey, it’s just a car. We can get that fixed on Monday morning.’
Ruby stroked the roof of the car gently at first and then slammed the heel of her hand down on it.
‘Why would he do this to me?’ she cried. ‘I’ve only ever tried to help him.’
Before I could answer her, Naomi said, ‘You seen this?’
Under the wiper blades there was a piece of white paper. She slid it from beneath the blade and saw that it was ripped from the back of an envelope. I’d been too intent on watching out for Phillip to notice it before. In a hand we all recognised, though it was bolder and messier than usual, it said: Bitches get what’s coming to them.
There was no sign of Phillip, but his presence hung heavily in the air. I was glad of the note. At least now Ruby couldn’t convince herself this was the random act of a bored delinquent. This was Phillip’s way of telling us it wasn’t over yet.
The curtains at Mary’s house twitched, dropped and swayed to stillness.
‘Go inside,’ I said to Naomi and Ruby. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’
‘No,’ said Ruby. ‘We should stick together.’
‘Fine, but wait here.’ I ran across the road and knocked on Mary’s door.
‘Mary? Do you have a minute?’
The door opened quickly.
‘Shh! He’s asleep!’ She motioned up the stairs behind her.
I didn’t know if she meant the shift-working boyfriend or one of her children.
‘Did you see what happened?’ I asked.
‘It wasn’t me who did it.’
‘I know. I wondered whether you’d seen anything.’
‘Saw a bloke hanging around on his phone about ten minutes ago.’
‘Did you see who it was?’ I asked.
She looked away, uncertain. ‘It’s dark,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t say for sure.’
I lowered my voice. ‘There’s a note in his handwriting. You wouldn’t be getting anyone into trouble by confirming what we already know.’
She nodded just slightly.
‘So, it was him? Phillip?’
She nodded again.
‘And if I went to the police, you’d be able to confirm that, yeah?’
Mary looked at the floor and ran her tongue over her lips.
She nodded, ‘Okay.’
I waited for her to look up, so that she could see the sincerity in my eyes. ‘Thank you, Mary. I appreciate it.’
I started back down her driveway and then stopped. ‘Did you see where he went?’
‘Sorry. No.’
I jogged back over the road. Naomi and Ruby were waiting for me by the car.
‘Did she see anything?’ Ruby asked.
‘Not the actual brick-throwing, but yeah, she saw Phillip.’
I looked back at the damage the brick had done. The red paintwork on the car bonnet was scratched where the brick had bounced onto it. The colour underneath was darker. Around the windscreen the paint had bubbled with rust. I touched it and a chunk as big as a fifty-pence piece flaked off in my fingers. The darker paint was obvious underneath.
‘Have you had this car resprayed, Ruby?’
‘What? Yes. And I suppose I can do it again, but it’s such a pain and, well, that’s hardly the point, is it?’
‘What colour was it before?’ I asked.
My heart was beating faster now than when we’d heard the brick hitting the glass.
‘It was blue. Why does that matter? I’ll just have the red touched up. No need to do the whole thing.’
Ruby used to drive a blue car. If she realised the significance of what she’d just said, she didn’t show it. My mind worked slowly, but I pictured Ruby behind the wheel of the car that had hit me, imagined Phillip finding out, and Ruby promising to do anything for him if he didn’t report her. But surely not even Phillip would cover for the person who killed our unborn child.
TWENTY-FIVE
10 days before the funeral
Naomi took photos of the car, the brick and the letter. I noted the date and time in the back of my diary, along with Mary’s name under the column marked Witness. I watched Ruby move around, muttering about her dogs and her car, but all I could do was question if she could really have been so jealous that she would have driven straight at me.
I rubbed my eyes. If I were to out-think Phillip, I couldn’t get distracted. Still, I looked at Ruby with a wariness that wasn’t there before. I poured us all a glass of wine and we took it in the garden under a starless sky. I locked the back gate and deadlocked the front door. Naomi sat next to Ruby on the bench while she smoked her cigarette. Naomi talked of her childhood and how she’d always dreamed of finding her mum. She wanted to meet her just one time. To see if they looked alike; to ask who her dad was; to see whether they had the same habits.
She knew it shouldn’t matter, but she wanted to see someone who was related to her. Just once. Her grandparents had refused to talk about her mum, and she never even asked whether they had any theories about her dad.
It was as though her parents had never existed. If she didn’t know better, she’d think that Nan had found her under a gooseberry bush.
I nodded, though I was only half-listening. Ruby sympathised. She was without family too. Her parents had died when she was young. They were elderly and she had been a surprise baby when her mother was forty-seven. By the time she was twenty, both of her parents had passed away, followed the next year by her only sister, who took off to Thailand for a diving holiday and was never seen again. Her death was ruled as accidental and the diving company was shown to have no liability.
‘It’s funny, isn’t it?’ I said.
Naomi snorted.
‘Which bit?’ she asked. ‘The bit where he slapped cuffs on Ruby, kicked you in the face, or the bit where he tried to strangle me to death?’ She took a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and lit another one.
‘I mean the three of us being here. Look at us! We’re completely different. Phillip would never have thought, in a million years, that we would be here together. I’m still legally married to him and we share a child, so I can’t get him out of my life. You, Naomi, are his girlfriend—’
‘Not any more, I’m not,’ she said.
‘Still … The one that confuses me is you, Ruby. Why do you still hang around Phillip? You’re free to go and never see him again, and yet here you are. What does he have over you?’
I watched Ruby falter and squirm. I wondered whether I could ever forgive her if she confessed to driving the car that night.
‘Nothing,’ she said, with a nervous laugh. ‘He has nothing over me. We have history, we’ve seen each other through dark times, that’s all. We’ve been there for each other when no one else was.’ She scratched her chin. ‘But, going back to your point …’
No, I thought, you’re steering me away from it.
‘We are rather different, aren’t we? The way we look; our ages; our personalities. He doesn’t really have a type.’
