Matthew and I ironized our discomfort by sublimating it in culture. Devo, a band I’d never cared for in high school, became an emblem of our difference, not only from the Camden hippies, but also from the chic, Bowie-loving punk types who had subscriptions to Interview and vacationed in Paris. Devo expanded the nerd-brainiac ethos of a band like Talking Heads in a usefully hostile direction. Loving Devo, it was possible to indulge our class resentment by masking it as anticapitalist satire. They became an adjective: Certain things were awfully Devo around this school, weren’t they?
One balmy afternoon that first week in Vermont, still stunned at catapulting out of our high-school lives and knowing no one, Matthew and I attended an out-of-doors afternoon talk by Richard Brodeur, the new president of Camden. Brodeur seemed as terrified of the place as we were. Like Matthew’s father, he’d thrown over a corporate career for something more real, and his descriptions of why he’d wanted to preside at Camden sounded a tad defensive. In fact, Brodeur was an efficiency expert brought in to repair damage done by a charismatic and tolerant seventies type. Nobody but us gullible freshmen had bothered to attend his talk.
“There’s a story I like to tell,” said Brodeur. “When I was a boy I used to love pizza, and whenever my father took me to the pizzeria I’d order two slices. And I’d sit and he’d watch me wolfing down the first slice with my eyes on the second. I wasn’t even tasting that first slice. And one day my father said to me, ‘Son, you need to learn that while you’re eating the first slice of pizza, eat the first slice. Because right now you’re eating the second slice before you’ve finished the first.’ And a year ago I realized that I needed that lesson again. I took a look at my life and realized I had my eye on the second slice of pizza.”
The parable wasn’t completely lost on me, though I couldn’t keep from recalling the day Robert Woolfolk and his little friend had tried to mug me for my pizza on Smith Street. I wondered if Richard Brodeur knew of any approach to the problem of the one slice. I suspected not.
Afterward Matthew and I drifted back to the Commons lawn, where, beyond the outermost row of dorms, the mowed rim plunged out of sight—the place was known as the End of the World. There a gaggle of our housemates tapped an early keg. We lined up for plastic cups of frothy beer, against a backdrop of green hills dimpled with sunset shadows.
“What did you take away from that?” said Matthew.
“When you think you’re eating the first slice, you might really be eating the second slice?”
“Something like that. Anyway, it made me hungry.”
This would be a running joke: when he and I began sleeping in late in the Apartment and missing classes we called it eating the first slice. My career at Camden, as it turned out, wouldn’t involve a second.
That week we experienced our first of the famous Friday-night parties. Dorms were provided with a booming sound system, and plastic cups and kegs of beer from the food service—the administration had a stake in keeping its tender wards out of Vermont bars on weekend nights. Camden, truthfully, wasn’t an accidental hothouse, but a deliberate one, an experiment like the Biosphere. So by eleven o’clock two or three hundred of us throbbed in one mass to Rick James’s “Super Freak” on the sticky living-room floor of Fish House, another party dorm only slightly less notorious than Oswald. That easy appropriation of dance-floor funk was a first taste, for me, of something I desperately wanted to understand: the suburban obliviousness of these white children to the intricate boundaries of race and music which were my inheritance and obsession. Nobody here cared—it was only a danceable song. The Rick James was followed by David Bowie, the Bowie by Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark, and the OMD by Aretha Franklin. I threw myself into the dance, briefly freed.
A couple of hours later Matthew and I brought two girls back to the End of the World. Now the mowed edge plunged into mist-laced darkness, the nickname explained. Aimee Dunst and Moira Hogarth were, like us, freshman roommates, and suitably punkish, with eye shadow and gelled hair. Matthew had met them in a class on Milton and Blake. We four had talked or tried to talk in the spilling craze of the party, the penumbra of retching and squirming bodies, then ferried our plastic cups of grapefruit juice and vodka out into the chirping dark.
Aimee was from Lyme, Connecticut, and Moira was from Palatine, a suburb of Chicago. Hardly anyone, I’d learned, was really from a city. If they said Los Angeles or Chicago or New York they meant Burbank or Palatine or Mount Kisko.
As a trick of flirting I’d been boasting of my inner-city knowledge, turning discomfort inside out.
“Were you ever mugged?” asked Aimee.
Aimee, like anyone who ever asked me this question before or since, was thinking of a stickup in an alleyway, an adult transaction, a transaction of strangers. She was thinking of Death Wish and Kojak. The nearest I’d come was Robert Woolfolk’s holdup of the drug dealer. That event was beyond explanation.
“I was yoked,” I said instead. “Ever been yoked?”
“What’s that?”
“I’d have to show you.”
They giggled, and Matthew stared, not knowing any more than they did.
“I don’t know,” said Aimee, trailing backward, her footfalls stumbling.
“Okay, forget it.”
“Do me,” said Moira, boldly.
“You sure?”
“Uh huh.”
“It doesn’t really hurt. But you should put down your drink.” We nestled plastic cups in dewy grass. Straightening too quickly, I grew dizzy. The Vermont oxygen was like another drink, a chaser.
“Fuck you lookin’ at?”
All three turned their heads, fooled by my sudden volume and hostility. But we were alone there, at the End of the World. It was the only place I could ever have put on my mummery, my minstrel show.
I kept my eyes locked on Moira. The others were irrelevant. “That’s right, girl. Don’t look around, I’m talkin’ to you. Fuck you think you lookin’ at?”
“Stop,” said Aimee. Moira just stared back, rattled but defiant.
“See, that’s all right. I don’t mean nothing. Come over here for a minute.” I pointed to the ground at my feet. “What, you afraid? I ain’t gonna do nothin’. Just let me talk to you for a minute.” My drunken self was astounded at how well I knew the drill. These words had never come from my mouth.
Moira stepped closer, taking the dare, Bacall to my Bogey. I might have liked to quit already, but the script demanded I play it all the way. There was rage nestled in the script, urgency I’d never tapped.
“See, I’m your friend, right? You know I like you.” I threw an arm around Moira’s shoulders and tugged her close. “You got a dollar you could lend me?”
“Don’t give it to him!” howled Matthew, getting the joke now. Only it was barely a joke.
“No,” said Moira.
Trapping Moira gently as possible in the triangle of fist-elbow-shoulder, I dipped her, as I’d been dipped a hundred times. Not far. To my chest. “You sure? Lemme check your pockets for a minute.” I frisked the front pockets of her corduroys, found bills and plucked them out. Then Moira twisted against me and I took pity and loosed my hold. She sprang back angrily toward the others.
I raised the curled bills. “It’s just a loan, you could trust me. You know we was just foolin’ around, right?”
Moira rushed and tackled me into the grass. I felt the fury in her body at being handled as I’d handled her, a fury I knew precisely, from her side. But she was also drunk and excited and putting our hips back in conjunction. Yoking Moira, I’d also chosen her. A thick shock of sex was in the air—as it had been on the dance floor at Fish House. It was everywhere at Camden, only waiting for anyone to slice off a portion for themselves, and now Moira and I had done so. In all of high school I’d never kissed a girl without long spoken preliminaries, yet here it was simple. When she grabbed the bills in my hand I grabbed her hand and we returned the money to the pocket of her corduroys together, rolling on the
wet lawn, kissing wildly, missing one another’s faces, kissing ears and hair. Beyond where we lay, Matthew and Aimee had gone past the End of the World and vanished in the dark.
What I could never have explained to Moira was that the sexual component of a yoking was present before she and I enacted it, was buried in the practice, as I knew it, at its roots.
Moira Hogarth and I spent that night in her and Aimee’s room in Worthell House, while Aimee and Matthew took Oswald Apartment. Moira and I were a couple for two weeks from that night—an eternity at Camden, where rehearsals of adulthood were rendered miniature by a compression of time and space. A whole relationship could be enacted in a weekend, wounds nursed before the next Friday night. In our case, by Halloween Moira and I wouldn’t be speaking. Then again, by Thanksgiving we were confidantes, whispering and laughing our way across Commons and spending nights in bed together so that everyone was certain we were a couple though we were in fact sleeping with others. Then before the end of the term we’d fucked and fallen out again. And so on: there was nothing notable, at that school, in the close recycling of the same few sympathetic souls. There were too few to waste.
My yoking of Moira, out at the End of the World, became the origin of a scheme: I’d throw Brooklyn down like a dare. I needed something. I’d been set up to feel like a square at Camden, where my short haircut and cardigan-and-loafer style, so decisively David Byrneish or Quadrophenia mod at Stuyvesant only looked ordinarily preppy to those who’d actually been to prep school. But nobody could question my street credibility here, where nobody had any street credibility whatsoever. I earned my stripe at Camden by playing a walking artifact of the ghetto. I pretended to be ignorant of what Baja and Aspen were, or why schoolmates named Trudeau or Westinghouse might be particularly well-heeled. I smoked Kools, I wore a Kangol cap, I called my friends “Yo”—and this, long enough before the Beastie Boys made it widely familiar, was funny enough to a couple of Oswald House upperclassmen, a pair of hipsterish coke dealers named Runyon Kent and Bee Prudhomme, that they made a version of it my nickname: I was Yoyo to them. Basically, I turned myself into a cartoon of Mingus. The shtick was a splendid container for my self-loathing, and for my hostility toward my classmates. And it made me popular.
I became adept at beguiling and mocking the wealthy, right to the point of their tolerance. I cadged, shamed them into floating me meals and haircuts and cartons of Kools, flattered and appalled them by mentioning what they’d already spent years preparing to spend lifetimes never discussing—their money, the trust funds that kept them in BMWs and designer clothes and brunches and dinners at Le Cheval whenever the dining-hall fare didn’t thrill them, the checks which kept coming though there was nothing, really nothing, to purchase in rural Vermont. Except drugs. And drugs were the other way I earned my stripe.
Camden provided us with free beer and movies and contraception and psychotherapy. These were spoken of, joked about freely. But the school provided other things, not named, which were free as well, like a class called Unorthodox Music, run by a benevolent white-haired professor named Dr. Shakti, and widely known to be a guaranteed pass no matter how rarely you attended, or the books and cassettes which could be boosted hand over fist from the campus store because someone had decreed that nobody’s transcript ought to be blemished with accusations—presumably the administration quietly compensated the vendor’s losses. Of course, our parents would have laughed bitterly to hear these things called “free”: the costs were folded into the absurd and famous tuition, our experience made seamless. Camden was so lush with privileges that it was easy to overlook the fact that a handful of us weren’t rich. We all rode in the first-class compartment, even if some of us also swabbed the deck.
As for drugs, the school didn’t actually supply them, but the blind eye they’d turned was understood as another privilege. Dealers like Runyon and Bee operated with abandon. Joints were smoked openly on Commons lawn, and parties at Pelt House were famous for acid punch concocted in an in-house lab. William S. Burroughs was nominated as commencement speaker, and during screenings of Eraserhead or The Man Who Fell to Earth a cloud of smoke rose through the projector beam in the tiny campus auditorium. Though it was considered polite to shut your door while doing a line of coke or meth few bothered to rehang mirrors afterward, and some kept them propped on crates as permanent coffee tables, much like Barrett Rude Junior.
I was a skunk for coke. It was part of my act. Afternoons when we should have been in class or the library Matthew and I played basketball with Runyon and Bee, out at the largely unused court which was carved deep into the woods at the edge of campus, beyond the unused soccer field—Camden was an unathletic place. Runyon and Bee enjoyed the way I tried to juke and fake, all the moves I’d absorbed and never dared attempt in the gymnasiums of my youth. Matthew and I became Runyon and Bee’s adoptees, their mascots. Like them we wore Wayfarer sunglasses on the court, played slack or nonexistent defense, and, between half-court games, snorted and smoked in the pine-carpeted shade at the perimeter of the asphalt. That I couldn’t pay for my share was irritating or endearing to the dealers, depending on their mood, but hardly important. Evenings I hung around Runyon and Bee’s rooms upstairs, and when another student casually drifted by to cop a quarter gram I’d be included in the obligatory tasting. Once I earned my keep by typing a paper Runyon had written on As I Lay Dying ; it was shockingly riddled with grammatical errors. I rewrote it, as I suspect he’d hoped I would, and we got an A together.
Three or four afternoons that autumn, high on something at an uncommonly early hour, and cut loose from whomever I’d partied with, Moira or Matthew or the dealers upstairs, unable to stem whatever it was that surged in me, I went into the woods and flew. I no longer had the costume, and I wasn’t really Aeroman anymore, just a kid from the city uncorked in the woods and venting crazy energy by soaring between branches. That I wasn’t Aeroman was probably why it was possible, after so long, to fly. I’d never flown in Brooklyn, not apart from one spaldeen catch. I’d been physically cowardly, but also too burdened with what I needed Aeroman to accomplish, with notions of heroism and rescue. Here there was no one to rescue from anything, unless it was all of us from ourselves, and a flying eighteen-year-old couldn’t have attempted that. So instead I wandered into the trees east of the End of the World, below the soccer field and the basketball court, screwed Aaron Doily’s ring on my finger, found a high rock to leap from, and rode air. To rise slightly above the campus, to glimpse the stopped clock on the Commons tower from afar, was to attempt to believe in my luck, in my improbable, intoxicating escape from Dean Street. I tried to make the hills real by confronting them alone and head-on, make the branches mine by grazing them with my fingertips. I don’t know if it worked or not. I’ve never been certain I could taste freedom, not for longer than the fading buzz of a line or the duration of a given song. And a song, when you press repeat, rarely sounds the same. Still, white powder, menthol fume, pine breeze—those flying afternoons my nostrils seemed reversed, so I could smell backward to my own minty-fresh brain.
One of those afternoons, having landed, I was startled in my stroll back up through the trees to Commons lawn by Junie Alteck. Junie was a sylphlike Oswald hippie, a durable partyer who could be found decorating Bee’s room late, after others had folded their tents. We suspected Bee slept with her but he’d never admitted it. Runyon liked to call her “Aspect.” She’d been walking alone in the woods. I understood from her expression that I’d been spotted.
“What were you doing?” she said dazedly.
“Performance-art project,” I said.
“Oh.”
“Pretty good, huh?”
“Uh, yeah!”
Cocaine and black slang and headfakes and flying: everything unsafe all my life was safe here, suddenly, and why not. Camden was designed to feel safe. It was in that state of mind, late one evening in the first days of December, that I took the call at the Oswald pay phone, from Arthur Lomb.
> chapter 7
Arthur’s story tumbled out in a hurry. The odd entrepreneurial partnership forged between Lomb, Woolfolk, and Rude in the last months before the shooting had survived Mingus’s conviction for voluntary manslaughter, and his sentencing, in October, to ten years at Elmira, a prison upstate. The result was an even odder partnership: Arthur and Robert. They’d taken the money I’d paid for the comic books and the ring, and the rest they’d scraped together and bought their quarter kilogram. Then successfully dealt it. Barry being a primary customer, I also understood. And Arthur and Robert had kept from consuming the profits, held enough in reserve to cop another quarter kee and begin again. Only now they’d fallen out. Robert had come around Arthur’s place with a pair of cohorts from the Gowanus Houses, demanding money, and Arthur’s mother had freaked out and called the police. Now Robert had promised Arthur he would kill him if he didn’t produce a certain sum by a certain time, only Arthur couldn’t go alone to Gowanus to deal the stash, not with Robert’s friends knowing his white face and the stash he’d be carrying; meanwhile Barry had taken a trip over Thanksgiving, to visit a doctor in Philadelphia, and not returned—
I stopped him, not needing to hear more. In fact, it mattered to me that I seem uninterested in the details of that distant morass.
“No Mingus to protect you,” I said, with satisfaction.
In reply came only Arthur’s breathing on the line, and I detected a little phantom of fake-asthmatic seizure in his genuine panic.
“Buy a Greyhound ticket,” I said. “We’ll unload the stuff in a couple of days, no problem. You’ll come back with his money.”
It didn’t take much to persuade Arthur. The next day, a Tuesday, the first light snow of the season drifted down as I waited at the depot in Camden Town. The bus curled in the wide lot, making virgin treadmarks in the fresh accumulation. It sighed to a stop and the driver emerged to pop the undercarriage, but Arthur hadn’t stowed anything. He tiptoed through the snow with an Adidas gym bag slung on the shoulder of his inadequate bomber jacket, blowing into cupped hands and looking bewildered.
The Fortress of Solitude Page 43
