by Jim Geraghty
“There are … other ways to go about this,” she said quietly.
NOVEMBER 2010
U.S. National Debt: $13.8 trillion
Budget, USDA Agency of Invasive Species: $417.88 million
Gil Hasenkamp, the man who defeated seven-term representative Nick Bader in 2008, found this governing thing a lot harder than he expected.
It started with a contentious interview on Fox News early in his term, when the new congressman angrily defended the newly passed stimulus. He insisted, “You can go to Recovery.gov and you can see that not a [bleep]-damn dime of stimulus funds was wasted! Everything’s right there, even right-wing fools like you can see that!”
Several days later, news organizations noted that the data on Recovery.gov indicated hundreds of thousands of dollars in projects had been allocated to Arizona’s 15th Congressional District, Connecticut’s 42nd Congressional District, Delaware’s 35th Congressional District, and California’s 91st Congressional District … none of which actually existed. The money was real, but the districts were not, indicating that lax standards for reporting the use of the stimulus funds had rendered the site useless, riddled with bad data.
Then as the Obamacare legislation was discussed and passed, Hasenkamp found his constituents oddly … hostile. Every time he assured the crowds at town hall meetings he had read “almost all” of the five thousand pages of legislative text, he found himself shouted down by jeers and boos. Afterward, he told some malcontent with a pocket video recorder that the word he would use to describe the crowd was “revolting”; and within forty-eight hours, it had more than 75,000 views on YouTube.
“He’s right, we are in revolt!” declared the red-clad sparkplug running the local Tea Party, Kristi Womack. She had been a district office director for Bader, and it took about three minutes of persuasion to convince her to run for the office of her old boss.
The district race was shifted from “toss-up” to “likely Republican” when Hasenkamp characterized Womack as “some loon always whining about what the Constitution says.”
Bader tapped his extensive fundraising network to assist Womack, and was a regular speaker at Tea Party rallies in the district. And Bader had felt that nagging frustration abate a bit, at least since the day his Google search alert pinged with many, many references to “Agency of Invasive Species.”
MARCH 2011
U.S. National Debt: $14.2 trillion
Budget, USDA Agency of Invasive Species: $430.12 million
When the Tea Party-backed Republicans took over the House of Representatives, they found themselves almost immediately in public relations combat with the Obama administration about a plethora of issues: a showdown over the debt ceiling, a controversial gun export program called Fast and Furious, efforts to repeal the recently passed health care bill, and so on.
So most of America failed to notice when the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee held hearings about an alleged cover-up of health hazards in a new federal office building. However, the investigation did generate one memorable exchange, which received national attention when it was featured on Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show.
CHAIRMAN DARRELL ISSA, R-CALIFORNIA: Mr. Wilkins, this committee has copies of communications from House Committee on Agriculture staffer Michael Sung, former Congressman Nicholas Bader, and former Agency of Invasive Species employee Ava Summers indicating their concerns that Chinese drywall was used in the construction of the new headquarters building at 1500 Independence Avenue Southwest. What did you do in response to those communications?
AGENCY OF INVASIVE SPECIES ADMINISTRATIVE DIRECTOR JACK WILKINS: (inaudible)
ISSA: Mr. Wilkins, please speak up.
WILKINS: Mr. Chairman, on the advice of my counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my Fifth Amendment constitutional privileges.
ISSA: Did you notify the Environmental Protection Agency, the General Services Administration, or any other authority in response to that?
WILKINS: Mr. Chairman, on the advice of my counsel, I again respectfully decline to answer based upon my Fifth Amendment constitutional privileges.
ISSA: Let the record show this committee has found no record of any reply by you or your office to any of their communications. Mr. Wilkins, are you aware that the federal government spent $250 million to build this new building?
WILKINS: On the advice of my counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my Fifth Amendment constitutional privileges.
ISSA: And that instead of moving in next month, as planned, the use of that building is now postponed indefinitely while inspections are made? Mr. Wilkins, are you aware of how many potential lawsuits the federal government will face as a result of your inaction on this?
WILKINS: On the advice of my counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my Fifth Amendment constitutional privileges.
ISSA: I’d like to turn my attention to your predecessor, former administrative director Adam Humphrey, who is also here today, kindly responding to our subpoena.
AGENCY OF INVASIVE SPECIES ADMINISTRATIVE DIRECTOR ADAM HUMPHREY: On the advice of my counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my Fifth Amendment constitutional privileges.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?” exclaimed Jon Stewart in mock incredulity. “Answer something! What is the weather outside? What is two plus two? Coke or Pepsi? Who was the better Darren on Bewitched? COME ON! GIVE US SOMETHING TO WORK WITH!”
The House hearings had turned Humphrey and Wilkins into widely mocked poster boys of government incompetence, and anyone who bothered to follow the story knew it had grown out of Ava’s widely read Wired story, depicting how no one had replied to e-mailed and written warnings about the drywall for an entire year.
The story had begun with a dramatic description of Nicholas Bader climbing over the chain-link fence, explaining that the quirky former congressman had been obsessed with his former staffer’s claim of seeing Chinese drywall on the building site.
But the heart of the story was that Bader, his former staffer, and Ava ultimately went through the “proper channels,” communicating their concerns about a health risk to workers in the building. Ava saw this as giving Wilkins one more chance to prove that the agency could overcome its bureaucratic inertia under his management. When a year passed, with no indication that anyone in the government had done anything, then she publicized the concerns, leading to the hearings.
The day after the Daily Show segment, Ava went to her front door to find a flower delivery. It was from Nicholas Bader, now on the board of a nonprofit activist group fighting for spending cuts, the Foundation for a Less Expensive America (FLEA).
She looked at the note.
Dammit, Ava, when you fight, you slice like a hammer!
Keep up the good fight!
Nick
She smiled and returned to work on the inevitable follow-up; unfortunately, she was second to the story.
USAD OFFICIAL TO RESIGN
The director of the Department of Agriculture’s Agency of Invasive Species has resigned after revelations that his office ignored warnings about the use of dangerous toxic drywall in the construction of a new headquarters building in Washington.
Jack Wilkins, 56, had been with the agency since 1979 and had run the agency since 2009.
It was, the EPA found, a very small amount of substandard drywall; a subcontractor to a subcontractor supplying the drywall had a theft shortly before shipment to the AIS building site, and replaced the missing material from another source.
The process of determining it all, however, delayed the opening of the building until Thanksgiving 2012.
NOVEMBER 2012
U.S. National Debt: $16.3 trillion
Budget, USDA Agency of Invasive Species: $493.58 million
Vice President Joe Biden was the guest of honor for the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the new Vernon Hargis Agency of Invasive Species Building at 1500 Independence Avenue Southwest.
The vice president, giddy over his reelection earlier in the month, only made brief remarks; the highlight was undoubtedly his declaration that “I’m glad you people are on the job, because I [inaudible] can’t stand weeds,” although some disputed whether the inaudible comment was really all that inaudible, and some wondered whether the vice president’s subsequent comparison of invasive species to hemorrhoids in his off-text remarks really fit the tone of the occasion.
Adam Humphrey, now sixty-seven, attended, and the vice president was supposed to thank him in his remarks but called him “Appleby” instead.
After the ceremonies and good-byes were done, Humphrey strolled up 15th Street, past the Washington Monument, and around the Ellipse, taking a look at the White House.
Looking through the fence, he heard a familiar voice behind him.
“You must be quite proud of your victory,” Nick Bader said.
“I was about to say the same to you,” Humphrey said, only mildly surprised to see his old nemesis. “You drove out Wilkins.”
“He’s retiring with a full pension. Just like you. Your agency’s budget is bigger than ever.”
“I never got a chance to work in that beautiful new building I spent years fighting for, a protégé who I spent most of a career grooming will never run it, and at the precise moment I am to be publicly recognized for all of my decades of tireless effort and leadership, the vice president mixes me up with a restaurant chain. I suppose you’ll chalk up my life as yet one more example of your hated government waste.”
“It could have been different, Humphrey,” Bader shrugged.
Humphrey laughed at the thought and shook his head. “No, it couldn’t.”
He had nearly arrived home when his cell phone rang. He recognized the number as a former staffer who had departed the agency a few years earlier to take a managerial position with the California Department of Food and Agriculture’s Plant Health and Pest Prevention Services Division. They exchanged some pleasantries, and Humphrey’s face brightened immensely.
“Why, yes, Jeff, I am available to provide management consultations,” he beamed.
Jamie Caro-Marcus was happy to work in the new building. With the college tuition of her sons to think of, she knew she would be handling the same duties, planning the trips and conferences for all of the Agency of Invasive Species senior staff, until retirement. She found comfort in that assurance—most of the time.
One glaring exception was the night there was a documentary on the Reykjavik Summit, and she found herself thinking of all of the dreams—ambitious, silly, and otherwise—that ran through her head the first time she walked into the offices of the agency. She never had found the time to try to apply for a job with the United Nations, nor had any of the weed-related conferences she planned gotten her anywhere near the glamorous world of international diplomacy.
She called in sick the next day and decided she needed to see Ava again. If she couldn’t recapture how she felt then, she could at least cherish the same company as those days.
Jamie concluded it was a lot easier to get through each day if she didn’t spend too much time thinking about what might have been.
DECEMBER 2012
Agency of Invasive Species Administrative Director Lisa Bloom differed from her two male predecessors. Despite all she had learned from Adam Humphrey and Jack Wilkins, she felt the agency and its dedicated employees needed to do a much better job of “telling their story.” She found that the only way she could get press interested in telling that story was a free lunch.
So it was around a table at a Washington restaurant that she laid out the latest in weed abatement technology; the species the agency deemed most threatening to American agriculture; the public awareness campaigns they would unveil in the coming year. Most of the reporters faked interest, nodded, and ate, but there was one middle-aged guy at the end of the table with an increasingly amused and skeptical smirk.
Finally he piped up.
“As you know, as we speak, Congress and the president are grappling with the ‘fiscal cliff’ and sequester, and the forecast for the foreseeable future in Washington is an increasingly bitter fight among more and more hands over a stagnant funding pie,” the reporter said. “The rating agencies are saying that another downgrade of the United States’ credit rating could occur in the coming year if the federal government doesn’t demonstrate an ability to control its long-term debt. Sooner or later, any government effort to control spending is going to look skeptically at a federal agency dedicated to fighting weeds. How concerned are you that fiscal realities might lead to dramatic cuts to your agency’s budget or perhaps even eliminating your agency completely?”
Lisa greeted the question with laughter.
“I’ve been here a long time,” she said. “I’ve heard that talk a lot of times before. We’ll see if this time is any different.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Dana Perino and Sean Desmond, both formerly of Crown Forum, got the ball rolling on this book, and I can’t thank them enough. The ball was handed to Stephanie Knapp, without a fumble or wobble, in a manner so smooth and streamlined I’m still in disbelief. Campbell Wharton and the rest of the crew at Crown Forum are fantastic, and I am indebted to their efforts.
Whenever I mention that my agent is Mel Berger, eyebrows get raised, and I get the occasional, “Wait, why would he represent somebody like you?” I don’t know why, but I’m very lucky to have him. On all the little details, I rest assured knowing Mel and his team have got things covered.
Way back in late 2011, Thomas Schatz and Leslie Page of Citizens Against Government Waste were kind enough to share their time and confirm all of my worst suspicions and fears about how the federal bureaucracy works and doesn’t work. David Edwards, former executive director of the Joint National Committee for Languages, is an old Washington hand who knows where all the bodies were buried, and helped flesh out the portrait of the nation’s capital in past decades.
I am very lucky to write for National Review, and bosses who will let you spread your wings, take risks, stumble, develop your voice, and pay you to do what you love, writing about politics. Thank you, Rich Lowry and Jack Fowler. My colleagues at NR are wonderful, brilliant, inspired people who are kind and warm enough to dispel my simmering jealousy of their talents.
Various friends read early drafts and saved me from my worst instincts. Cam Edwards, Rachel Hanig Grunspan, Shannon Lane, Flint Dille, Amanda Seewald, thank you. Readers, if you encounter anything in these pages that stinks, it’s because I ignored their advice in that spot.
As you read through this, you’ll encounter happy-hour hangouts from 1990s-era Washington, and many, sadly, shut their doors years ago, but the memories of “the clique” and life as a low-level drone in the nation’s capital will live forever. Okay, to be honest, some of those memories are a little fuzzy.
That illustration of Stalin with weeds in chapter one? That’s the illustrative work of my brother Paul Geraghty, immensely talented. If you are holding this book right now, there is about a fifty percent chance my dad twisted your arm into buying it. He and my mom are gifts I don’t deserve; the greatest unfair advantage any man ever had is parents who love him and provide role models.
Speaking of parenthood, my boys have been very patient. My older son, now six, can actually accurately describe the plot. Stay tuned for The Weed Agency: The Animated Series!
Finally, my wife, Allison, is the best, and she said she likes this book more than anything else I’ve ever written.*
* * *
* That isn’t that high a bar to clear.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jim Geraghty has been a contributing editor at National Review since 2004.
Previously a reporter at States News Service, Jim has written for the Washington Post, Boston Globe, Denver Post, Detroit Free Press, Bergen Record, and scores of other papers. Earlier in his career, he reported for the Dallas Morning News, Congressional Quarterly, and the now-departed websites Poli
cy.com and Intellectual Capital.com.
His Kerry Spot blog was awarded “Best Political Dirt” by WashingtonPost.com in 2004, and the Times of London praised his “killer insight” in that election cycle.
Jim’s first book, Voting to Kill, a look at how the 9/11 attacks affected American voters, was published by Simon and Schuster in August 2006. Booklist called the book “insightful and comprehensive,” and David Reinhard’s review in the Oregonian declared, “The reporting is fresh, the analysis rigorous and the writing snappy.”
Jim spent two years in Ankara, Turkey, working as a foreign correspondent and studying anti-Americanism, democratization, Islam, Middle East politics, and U.S. diplomacy efforts, appearing in the Philadelphia Inquirer, New York Sun, Washington Times, and Washington Examiner. He covered violent protests over the Muhammad cartoons, avian flu outbreaks, and Pope Benedict XVI’s visit to Ankara. He also covered national elections in Great Britain and Germany, and has reported from Egypt, Italy, Israel, Spain, and Jordan in his career.
In 2008, Best Life magazine called Jim one of “the 10 most important voices to listen to in this election cycle.”
In addition to reporting and blogging, Jim regularly appears on On the Record with Greta Van Susteren and Media Buzz with Howard Kurtz on Fox News, Chuck Todd’s The Daily Rundown on MSNBC, and The Lead with Jake Tapper on CNN.
