In the past few years, we have all watched in awe as the people who were made famous via reality shows have succeeded in becoming even more famous by going on to run afoul of the law. We’ve seen everything from drunken disorderly behavior and/or simple assault (Jersey Shore, various) to homicide (Ryan Jenkins, from Megan Wants a Millionaire, killed his wife), from filing a false police report (Richard Heene, from Wife Swap and “Balloon Boy”) to drug dealing (a pair of guys from season 9 of Big Brother). In the new crime/celebrity/fame/asshole nexus, escaping into anonymity after doing something horrible is no longer the point. (See Sheen, Charlie.) Anonymity itself is the greater offense.
And it works just as effectively when you reverse Acts 1 and 2 and start your journey toward national celebrity by using a crime itself as your Act 1 “brand.” In this model, you simply move toward the boorish, rude, asshole-as-entertainment paradigm for your Act 2. The results are very much the same. (See: Buttafuoco, Joey.)
Thus, for the last decade, we have witnessed more and more examples of an increasingly savvy publicity-seeking criminal who has put as much thought and care into the planning stages of his crime as he would into an idea for a show or a film. In fact, we now expect our criminals to have done their PR homework before they burst onto the scene, since searching for a new perpetrator’s Internet presence will be the first research everyone does.
These days it only makes good sense that before a new criminal actually takes the stage with his first splashy illegal act, he has set up his website, Facebook page, MySpace page, and/or Tumblr, all loaded with the necessary photos, videos, manifestos, and blogs full of ranting he will need to launch his “brand.” A good example of a trendsetting twenty-first-century criminal who was ahead of the curve in terms of working with the media this way was crazy gunman Seung Hui Cho, who killed thirty-two people at Virginia Tech. The press kit he assembled and mailed out before he fired a single shot contained so many different head shots and action-adventure photos of himself in various fighting poses, along with broadcast-ready video statements and letters of disturbed criminal intention, that he practically deserved to get a producer credit on the nightly news.
It seems inevitable that criminals and celebrities will continue to borrow more and more from each other’s playbooks as they all strive to make the most of their time in whatever limelight is available. At this point, our culture has raised them all to understand that the closer attention they pay to ongoing details, like wardrobe and supporting cast, the better their prospects for being memorialized in films and books. Thus it just makes good sense for each new budding criminal to ask themselves, while still in their planning stages, “What image do I want to project? Do I want to seem playful or formidable? Tough guy or wounded victim? Man of the People or a sad, contemplative Man of Mystery? Vin Diesel or Johnny Depp?”
The Columbine killers still stand out as two who played the wardrobe card very well, whereas Colton Harris-Moore (dubbed the “Barefoot Bandit”) did equally well with the nickname card. So well, in fact, that he had several Facebook fan pages full of comments from well-wishers by the time he hit the headlines and was arrested for multiple incidents of grand larceny and breaking and entering.
Of course, once the crime and asshole entertainment cachet has run its course for an individual, there is only one logical place he can continue his next act.
ACT 3: REHAB
Every form of media steps up to offer support when a fallen celebrity moves into this important reinvention stage—to say nothing of the additional fame and opportunity that become available if they qualify as a series regular on a show like Celebrity Rehab. And the “problem” for which they “take full responsibility” is no longer limited to substance abuse per se, since “addiction to fame” opened the door to a new range of ideas for addictions. The sky is the limit now.
If Bill W. had been developing Alcoholics Anonymous in 2011, he no doubt would have called it Proud Alcoholics United, since no intelligent addict today wants to remain anonymous if he can get a spotlight and credit for his struggle.
Having accomplished Act 3, a special few will elect to move to Act 4.
ACT 4: RUNNING FOR OFFICE
With the presence of grassroots political organizations like the Tea Party, it has become even easier to make this last-ditch leap into politics than in the past. And as time goes on, there will no doubt be as many other grassroots leaping-off spots for political fame as there are reality shows and rehabs. Since everyone in the spotlight will also have a résumé full of the pursuit of fame and crime, neither will be considered any kind of career detriment.
I guess the circle will be complete when we see the creation of the Federal Penitentiary for the Performing Arts, a combination prison and entertainment-development facility where fallen celebrities will recover and new platforms for publicity will be born. What a website it will have! What an infinite source of show premises, political candidates, and entertainers! So successful will it be that its main problem will be keeping the ever-growing population from overwhelming the population of the rest of the country, thus leading to some kind of celebrity inflation.
By the time that happens, most of us will be celebrities or former celebrities or related to celebrities or the victims of celebrities or all of the above. But probably by then, the people who have never had a show, committed a crime, or created an online profile will be the new stars: people about whom nothing is known will be the only ones who interest the rest of us.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks to my wonderful agent Melanie Jackson, and to the great Andy Ward, an astute, dedicated, and tireless editor. Also thanks to the meticulous and helpful Beth Pearson and Bonnie Thompson. Thanks, too, to Bill Scheft, Adrianne Tolsch, Wendy Liebman, April Winchell, Larry Amoros, Cory Kahaney, Larry David, and George Meyer for letting me borrow their jokes. And enormous amounts of gratitude to Andy Prieboy for his patience and his very smart notes, as well as to Puppyboy, Jimmy, Ginger, and Hedda for their continually inspiring behavior. Finally, thanks to my parents, who I hope have found a way to have a sense of humor about all of this wherever they may be in the great beyond.
ALSO BY MERRILL MARKOE
Nose Down, Eyes Up
Walking in Circles Before Lying Down
The Psycho Ex Game (with Andy Prieboy)
What the Dogs Have Taught Me
It’s My F—ing Birthday
How to Be Hap-Hap-Happy Like Me!
Merrill Markoe’s Guide to Love
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Emmy Award–winning writer MERRILL MARKOE lives in Los Angeles, California, the garden spot of America, with four dogs and a man. She has authored three books of humorous essays and the novels Nose Down, Eyes Up; Walking in Circles Before Lying Down; and It’s My F—ing Birthday and co-authored (with Andy Prieboy) the novel The Psycho Ex Game. A lot of additional information about her—including a long bio, goofy videos, etc.—can be found at merrillmarkoe.com. After great amounts of hesitation, she is also on Facebook. But since she thinks about pulling the page down on a daily basis, check fast.
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