by Jaci Burton
How could she have been so stupid?
Tears pricked her eyes, one falling down her cheek. She brushed it away.
No. No.
She wasn't going to do this again, wasn't going to go through a "If you love me you'll go with me and give up everything that means the world to you" conversation.
It wasn't going to happen. This time, she was going to be the one to walk away first. She was stronger than the last time. She wasn't going to beg and plead for a man's love, for him to see reason.
She had a wonderful career, and stood on the precipice of something magical right now. This was where she belonged. And if he couldn't see that, if he didn't love her enough to see that her career mattered, too, then too bad for him.
She finished getting dressed, and paced the living room, letting anger take over the hurt. She had downed the last of her coffee by the time Trick came out of the bedroom.
"Coffee smells good," he said, and came over to press a kiss to the back of her neck while she was standing over the sink rinsing her cup.
She quickly pulled away, leaning down to put her coffee cup in the dishwasher. "I'll make you a cup of coffee."
"I can do that."
She moved some distance from him while he brewed his cup, her arms wrapped around herself as she watched him. His hair was still damp from his shower, the ends curling around his neck, making her want to touch him, to breathe in his scent.
No matter how angry she was with him, she still loved him. And that hurt most of all.
"So, I was thinking," he said as he leaned against the kitchen counter. "We should talk about you moving in here."
He had a sexy half-smile on his face that destroyed her.
"You know, since your apartment is so cold in the winter, and my place is actually convenient to you getting to work and all. What do you think?"
Last night and earlier this morning she would have thought it was a great idea. Now it just dug the knife in deeper.
"I've been thinking, too."
His smile broadened. "Have you?"
"Yes. I've been thinking that we rushed into this whole love-and-togetherness thing. Or at least I did. I'm not ready for it. I don't think I'll ever be ready for it."
His smile died. "What? What's wrong?" He set his cup down and started toward her. She put her hand out to stop him.
"I don't want this, Trick. You and I were fun, but I think it's time we end it."
"What are you talking about? Last night you loved me, and now it's over? Come on, babe. Talk to me."
She gave him a careless shrug, needing to hurt him like he'd hurt her. "It's just me. I tried, but I'm not a relationship type of woman. I like my freedom, and after thinking it over, any kind of commitment feels choking to me. Sorry."
"Sorry? That's it? That's all you're going to say? What the hell, Stella?" He dragged his fingers through his hair and she saw the hurt and confusion on his face as he paced back and forth. It killed her inside, knowing she put it there, but self-preservation was more important. Besides, had he been thinking of her when he'd made plans to move to Detroit? No. So she had to put herself first. She had to get away from him and move on.
"Yeah. That's all I'm going to say. I know this hurts for both of us, but trust me, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want the same things you do."
He gave her a look like he didn't believe her. "Talk to me."
She shook her head, so afraid she was going to cry she couldn't say anything.
"I don't understand all this, Stella. I don't get this sudden turnaround. Are you sure something didn't happen to change your mind?"
"No. Nothing happened. I'm just being true to myself and who I am. And now I need to go before this gets more painful for both of us."
The hurt on his face was replaced by anger. "This is so much bullshit, Stella. I know it and you know it. You don't tell me you love me one minute and walk away the next."
She lifted her chin. "I said I was sorry."
"And that makes it okay? It doesn't. We need to talk this out. There's something you're not telling me."
"No, we don't need to talk, because there's nothing to say. I have nothing to tell you." Nothing he could say that could make her stay.
She grabbed her coat and her bag and went to the door. She turned to look at him, memorizing his face, knowing how much she was going to miss him. "Bye, Trick."
"Shit. I'm not coming after you. If you walk out, we're done."
"That's fine."
He stood in the living room, just staring at her, so many emotions on his face it took everything in her not to run to him and throw her arms around him.
But that would make her weak, and she wasn't weak. She had herself to think of, because he sure as hell hadn't.
She willed the tears back as she opened the door and walked out.
She'd never hurt so much in her life as she took the elevator downstairs and hailed a taxi outside. Fortunately, one came by quickly, because she was afraid Trick would run after her, despite what he'd said.
He hadn't. Of course he hadn't, because now he was free to move wherever he wanted to without having to deal with her.
This was better for both of them.
Definitely better for her.
She'd broken her golden rule of never getting involved, and it had cost her.
Because now her heart was broken, so much worse than the first time. The first time she'd been young and naive. This time she'd gone into it with her eyes wide open--a woman, not a young girl. Trick was a man she could have spent forever with.
She should have known better, and now instead of loving him forever, she was going to hurt forever.
Chapter Thirteen
It had been a lousy week. They'd won one game and lost two shitty fucking games. Even the game where they'd managed to squeak by with a win, they'd played badly. Trick had played badly. And he had no one to blame but himself. Hell, the whole team had played like a bunch of amateurs the past few games. They'd been an embarrassment, and the only good thing--if there was a good thing--was they had been road games, so at least they hadn't sucked in front of the home fans.
At least now he was home. He sat in his apartment licking his wounds--in more ways than one.
He figured throwing himself into the games, into hockey, would be a way to get over Stella. That sure as hell hadn't worked out so well.
Now he sipped a beer in his apartment and stared at the stupid Christmas tree which only reminded him of Stella. He should dismantle the damn thing and toss it in the Dumpster, because he sure as hell wasn't in the holiday spirit.
Except, for some twisted reason, the dancing angel on top gave him some sort of comfort.
"Aren't you a sorry, pathetic loser?" he said to himself as he stared at the angel twirling around the tree, listened to the music, then took another large guzzle of his beer.
He didn't understand it, didn't understand Stella. Why had she been in love with him that night and then made a complete turnaround the next morning?
He'd tried to call her and text her after she'd left, after he'd gotten over the shock of her abrupt announcement that they were over. She wouldn't answer, and after a few tries he'd decided he wasn't going to chase after a woman who clearly wanted nothing to do with him. He wasn't that kind of guy. If she didn't want him, then fine. He'd move on.
Except he loved her. And moving on wasn't working out so well.
He just needed more time. He'd be fine. Eventually he'd stop thinking about her, stop missing her, stop smelling her everywhere, like on his pillow.
"Fuck." He got up and tossed the beer bottle into the recycle bin and grabbed another.
His phone rang. It was Carolina. "Hey, Carolina. What's up?"
"Trick? I don't normally interfere, but this is about Stella. She'd kill me if she knew I called you, but I know the two of you broke up."
He took a deep breath. "Yeah."
"I don't think she told you why."
"She sai
d she changed her mind."
"Of course she did. But that's not the real reason. She's not talking to me about it, and that's unusual for her, because she and I share everything."
This wasn't helping. Obviously, Stella didn't feel it for him, which didn't make him feel any better.
"Look, Trick, I'm trying not to betray a confidence here, but I think what the two of you have is special, so I'm going to tell you something I probably shouldn't. She had a bad breakup in her past."
"Yeah, she told me about that. But didn't really elaborate."
"She's never elaborated to anyone that I know of, including me until very recently. But I think that's the key to what's going on. You need to talk to her, get her to open up to you. I know she loves you. And she's miserable without you."
At least that made him smile. "Yeah, the feeling's mutual. I love her, too."
"I was hoping you'd say that. Her sister, Greta, is in town and I'm going to take her Christmas shopping tomorrow. I told Stella we were shopping for her, which means Stella will be home alone. Please talk to her, Trick. I know the two of you belong together."
Carolina was right. He'd let Stella walk away without forcing her to talk to him. "I will. Thanks for this, Carolina."
"Hey, I believe in you two. You're welcome."
He hung up, feeling a lot more hopeful than he had the past week.
Now he just had to find out what was going on in Stella's head, and figure out a way to fix it.
She belonged with him, and he needed to make it happen.
Chapter Fourteen
Stella spent the morning wrapping Christmas gifts, not at all in the holiday spirit. But she refused to allow her current mood to affect her sister. Greta and Carolina were going Christmas shopping, and hopefully Greta would enjoy spending the time with Carolina, who was always excited about the holidays. Her sister needed to hang out with someone who was cheery and in a great mood, because that sure as hell wasn't her right now.
She loved having Greta here. She wouldn't have survived the past week without her. Despite her resolve to end things with Trick and move past it, she'd been a wreck.
What had she been thinking? She loved him. Did she think it would be easy to dump him and move on like it had been nothing? It hadn't been nothing. He hadn't been nothing. He'd become everything to her. The snow on the ground reminded her of him. When she turned on the TV and saw the hockey game on, her heart ached. When she walked past the ice-skating rink she thought of how much fun they'd had together. The big Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center reminded her of the tree they'd put up and decorated in his apartment. Even dancing reminded her of him.
Damn the man for infiltrating every part of her life. How was she supposed to get over him?
And why the hell had he decided to get himself traded to Detroit? Why couldn't he be different from other men?
When her buzzer sounded, she went to answer it.
"Yes?"
"It's me, Stella."
Her heart thumped, her eyes closed, and she leaned against the door. "Go away, Trick."
"I'm not leaving until you talk to me. And it's fucking cold out here. Let me in."
God, she wanted to see him, to touch him, to kiss him. But what was the point? Still, she was curious why he'd come over here. She hadn't answered his calls or texts. Maybe it was time for some closure, for her to tell him exactly why she'd walked out on him.
It was the only way she'd ever be free of him. "Come on up." She pressed the buzzer and ran into the bathroom.
Her hair was a wreck, and she had on yoga pants and a sweatshirt. She swished some mouthwash around, though she had no idea why. It wasn't like he was going to be kissing her.
Ever again.
The thought of it made her stomach clench.
He knocked on the door and she went to answer it. He looked tall, dark, and delicious in his navy blue pea coat and black jeans.
"Thanks," he said as he came inside.
"I'm only doing this so I can explain to you why I ended things between us."
He slid his coat off and laid it over the edge of her loveseat, then turned to her. "You walked out on me. We had something together and I think it's worth fighting for."
She crossed her arms. "Shouldn't you be spending your time worrying about your imminent trade to Detroit?"
He frowned. "My . . . what? I'm not being traded to Detroit."
"Aren't you? When your agent called that morning you were in the shower, he said he was messengering over paperwork, and that it was time sensitive and had something to do with the trade to Detroit."
He paused, and she knew then that she had him.
Then his face lit up with recognition. "Oh. That. It's part of contract renegotiations with the Travelers, Stella. It's all a ploy. My agent hits them up about a potential trade in order to get more money for me. Fuck no, I'm not going to Detroit. I love the Travelers."
Now she was the one who was confused. "You're not?"
"Of course not. I love New York. You thought I'd take a trade like that without talking to you?"
She looked down at the floor, then up at him. "Yes."
"Stella, I'd never do that. I had just told you I loved you. I wanted you to move in with me. Why in the hell would I do something like that?"
She breathed in a shaky sigh. "There's something you need to know about me. About that relationship I had in the past."
He took her hands and led her to her sofa, sitting them both down. "Okay. Why don't you tell me about it?"
She sat and told him about Vernon, about how much they loved each other, and what he'd done when he'd gotten the job offer in L.A. She'd told him how it crushed her when he'd expected her to leave her job and move with him.
"What a dick," he said when she finished. He picked up her hand. "Stell, I'd never do that to you. My job is no more important than yours. And I'd never accept an offer in another city unless I talked to you first. When I told you I loved you, when I asked you to move in with me, it was with the expectation that we were in this relationship together, you know? That means we'd make decisions about our lives together."
She was so stupid. She'd let her fear rule her, and she'd caused so much hurt. This time she didn't fight the tears when they came. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just expected the past to repeat itself."
He gathered her close and kissed her, absorbing her tears with the softness of his lips. When he pulled back, his face was only inches from hers. "Look at me and believe this. I will never hurt you that way, and I will always be honest with you. Do you believe that?"
She did now. "Yes."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the contract negotiations. That's my fault. It won't happen again."
She waved her hand at him. "You didn't need to."
"Yeah, I do. And from now on, I will. Also, I can't guarantee that somewhere down the road the Travelers won't trade me somewhere. That's the nature of my career. Unfortunately, I won't have control over something like that. But as far as me asking for a trade, it's not going to happen. Not without you and I talking it over first. Your career is as important as mine, and I know how vital it is that you dance here."
Hearing those words was music to her very soul. "I know there are things you can't control, Trick. I don't expect you to. But knowing you value my career is all I needed to hear. Thank you." She threw her arms around him and held him close. "Thank you."
He pulled back and graced her with that sexy smile that rocked her right down to her dancer's toes. "You and me, babe. We're together in this."
She nodded and smiled back. "Yes. Together."
And for the first time in her life, she believed in the magic of love, and the power two people had to forge a future together built on trust.
"Now, how about you call your sister and we go out and celebrate?"
Stella shook her head. "She's out with Carolina today. They're Christmas shopping."
He grinned. "I know. Carolina called me and told me to talk
to you. She's the one who made plans with Greta, so we could be alone and figure things out."
Stella cocked a brow. "She did, huh? I have half a mind to thank my best friend and my sister for that."
"Good. Let's do it over lunch. I'm hungry."
"You're on. Let me go change my clothes and I'll call Carolina."
She dashed into the bathroom after sending Carolina a text message, feeling lighter than she had since that day she'd walked out of Trick's apartment.
Now she had hope, and that was a new concept for her, a feeling she was going to have to get used to.
As she came out of the bedroom, Trick was eyeing her sparse mini Christmas tree that sat on her pass-through.
He turned to her. "I can see why you wanted the big tree in my place. This is kind of sad."
She laughed. "It is, isn't it?"
"So you and Greta will spend Christmas with me at my place?"
She went over to him and slid her arm around him, leaning against him, loving the warm feel of his body next to hers. "Yes, we will."
"And by that, I mean you're moving in with me."
She couldn't help the tiny thrill of excitement at his words. "Greta's staying with me until she finds a place to live."
He looked down at her. "I have an extra bedroom. She's welcome to stay there, too."
Her heart soared with so much love she didn't know what to do with it all. Tears filled her eyes. "I'm not sure I deserve you. I'm kind of bitchy and mean."
He shook his head. "You're a beautiful dancer with a kind soul. You're sexy and you've filled my world with laughter and love. I want you in my life, Stella."
She lifted up on her toes and grasped his face between her hands. "I love you, Trick."
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, a deep, powerful kiss that cemented the bond they'd made together. "I love you, too, Stella."
As they left her apartment, she shut off the lights and stared at that tiny little Christmas tree. She couldn't help but feel like she was leaving the past behind and creating a new beginning.
This was going to be the best holiday ever.
Epilogue
Stella was so grateful to have the Christmas break. And she'd needed every day of it so far. After giving notice to her apartment complex, she and Greta had packed up the place, put furniture into storage that Greta wanted to keep for her apartment, and moved the boxes and clothes into Trick's place.
