Being Celeste

by Tshetsana Senau

  “What is it, Celeste?”

  She could sound a little excited for the fact that I know something she doesn’t.

  “So, I was doing crunches and they were killing me and my trainer was yelling in my ear and all.” I was blurting out the whole story as it happened, trying to not leave anything out. I saw her rolling her eyes like she automatically knew what I was about to say. I ignored her. “So, when I was done with the first set, I sat up to rest myself and I saw at the gym reception, Taboka and Thabang, in the flesh. I think they were signing up or something because they were filling forms. I couldn’t believe it.”

  Kate’s eyes grew wide open. That will show her, for doubting my juicy news.

  “What?” she finally managed to say.

  “Off the record, I hope this doesn’t count for the money in the jar thing- it’s not my fault.”

  “Celeste, how did you feel after seeing Taboka?” asked Kate. She completely ignored my statement.

  “Well, I panicked. So, I told my trainer that I wasn’t feeling all that well. I explained to him that I had diarrhoea and I really needed the toilet. So I ran to the toilets and hid in there for a while.”

  She started laughing. I don’t know what bit of my news was funny. “How long is a while?”

  “Like fifteen minutes. That’s when I started peeking out to see if they had left. To my great luck that doesn’t exist, there they were, working out, lifting weights,” I said. “Oh, those muscles Kate. I almost fell over and died.”

  “So how did you leave?”

  “I waited another fifteen minutes, trying to figure out my escape. So I changed into my work clothes and when I walked out, I was holding my hand towel, pretending to be wiping my face down from sweat. I rushed out so quickly that I did not even look back.”

  Kate was laughing hysterically, delight in her eyes. I still don’t get why she’s laughing. “What a morning you had,” she said, wiping back tears.

  “You know what the worst thing is? Trevor thinks I had a bad case of diarrhoea and so I had to leave. That’s so embarrassing.”

  “Oh, you can be so dense sometimes Celeste,” said Kate. “The worst thing is that you’re going to see Taboka indefinitely at the gym from now on. Isn’t this going to put a damper in your plans to forget about him? What are you going to do now?”

  She’s right. I have no idea what I’m going to do. He’s so hot. There’s no how I’m going to try and ignore that fact. I’m in stalking rehab and still very fragile. Seeing him everyday is going to bring back the old me, and I’ll start planning our wedding again.

  “You know what Celeste, I know what you’re going to do.”

  Yes! She has a plan. “What is it?”

  “You are going to the gym just as planned and you’re going to reach your goal. It doesn’t really matter if it has to be the same gym as your former victim.”

  What? That’s her genius plan. “Kate that solves nothing!”

  “Why should there be a problem? This is a test to see if you’re over your old ways. So go in there, workout and who gives a shit if Taboka is right next to you on the treadmill?”

  This is easy for her to say. I want to point out that if the roles were reversed and her dear Thato was in her face everyday, she was going to freak out.

  “I- I can’t, Kate, I can’t do this.”

  “You’re being ridiculous. The sooner you figure out the fact that Taboka is just a person and not some god that deserves your attention, the sooner you get to move on and carry out your vision. But anyway, you have until Monday to get your story straight. Go to the phekolo and think about what’s really important: losing weight or swooning over a dude who hardly knows of your existence.”

  “Goodness me! When did you become all passionate and powerful?”

  “It’s not me, it’s you. This is all your idea, remember? You came to my house and suggested we change. There’s no turning back now!”

  She was right. I had already paid for a three month membership at the gym, and there was no turning back now. The only thing I should be worried about is the fact that Kate doesn’t get to see the two attractive soccer players, working in the gym. I omitted that part, the part where I glanced at the pair when I was running out, lifting very heavy weights in white tank tops.

  Chapter 9

  The day of the phekolo has arrived. I have to sacrifice a day out of my free personal training gift at the gym, to go and surround myself with my lovely family. They still haven’t clarified why it was arranged all of a sudden. I overheard my mother and father talking about it last night. Apparently it’s to do with my uncle’s bad luck and the family. I think they fear it will affect us all. Well, I say they don’t need to look far with that hunch. I already have all the bad luck there is, well, with my circumstances and all. But on a serious note, I doubt being unlucky in love would require a cleansing ritual. What kind of ancestors would I have to wish me such ill will like denying me a boyfriend? It has to be more serious than that. Uncle Solomon lost almost half his livestock six months ago to heavy rains and thunder. Yes, thunder! It just came out and struck the whole kraal. The only survivors were the weaning calves and their mothers which were in an enclosed shelter. Terrible stuff, I tell you. Then just a couple of months after that, his daughter, Sebaga, eloped with a man the family hardly knew, and no one has ever heard from her ever since. I say they were denying her the chance to be with him so she ran away. Poor Uncle Sol, his heart is drenched in heartache and confusion. I will only go because of the conclusion I have conjured up in my head. If that’s not why we are having an impromptu phekolo then it must mean the family is really in trouble or something.

  Bontle came home last night, looking all accomplished and attractive. I think she’s working out too because she has a body of a supermodel. My parents flooded all their attention towards her, making her feel at home. What bothers me is that she revelled a little too much in the star treatment attention, that she had the audacity to send me to get her a cup of tea. That sent the folks in on it, demanding I make the whole posse some tea. Ugh, rooibos! I’m not her maid and she’s not a celebrity. So I rushed to my room and just sat there all evening, dwelling on the important issues that surround my life. I think I heard my talkative mother, mention to Bontle that I had joined the gym and that I was a vegetarian. My sister laughed like a loon and a maniac. I think she blew the whole laughing thing out of proportion, as it was a bit over the top. What was she thinking, what was going through her head? Did she doubt that I would ever do it? Did she think that she was going to be the only slim figured daughter in this family? Did she assume that I would never succeed? What was the over the top laughter for? I don’t think that, Celeste has joined the gym, is something to send anyone off like that. Maybe a grin may qualify, but it’s not enough to crack up a person.

  Anyway, then she came into my room late at night to have a chat. Ignore the fact that I was twenty minutes into my sleep, lights out and all. Maybe I wasn’t asleep, the lights were out and I was just staring through the darkness of the night. But she came anyway, and commanded my attention. I guess mum and dad’s wasn’t enough. Besides, I was still pretty miffed about her laughing spasm that she had earlier. She switched my lights on and jumped on my bed, sort of rude really.

  “Celeste, my little and favourite sister in the whole world!” she said, recovering from her triumphant jump on my bed.

  I was so annoyed. “Can’t you sense that I’m trying to sleep here?” I replied, snuggling deeper into my blankets. She pulled them away, exposing my pyjama covered body to the spiky chills that possessed the air. At that moment I was capable of anything, even slapping her... I’m her only sister, so I can’t be her favourite sister.

  “Please get up, I haven’t seen you in ages!” she said, inviting herself into my blankets. I could feel the cold intensify as she pressed her body against mine, trying to give me a hug and cuddle with me. “I brought you something.”

  She handed me a small box, well,
more like shoved it in my face. I decided to sit up, because whatever sleep I thought I had had gone away with the warmth in my blankets. Besides, it was wrapped really beautifully and all.

  “Do you like them?” she asked, gazing at me with a weird smile.

  She bought me earrings, silver knob earrings with tiny diamonds in the centre. I love them, of course I love them.

  “Thank you, they are really gorgeous.” I managed to sneak a smile on my face. I had forgotten all about slapping her. One thing I’ve noticed, it’s a pattern really, but I can never stay mad at my loving sister (or Kate). She has her way with me, I don’t know why. And it’s not the gift. Even if she had started cracking jokes, it would have made me forget about it. Growing up, I always looked up to her, and she always took care of me. Then she went off to law school and left me all alone with our parents and Kate. Then I became overly jealous recently, of the fact that she had it all figured out, and I may be just the bum, destined to live with her parents forever. I gave her a huge hug. I had missed her, despite my feelings.

  “Celeste, I need you to step into the Secret Walls with me,” she finally said. The Secret Walls is just a term we use to refer to an imaginary place which is confidential or a safe house for our secrets. It was her idea to call it that. I think it’s stupid that we have name for our confidential talks, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? A secret is a secret in the end.

  “Okay,” I replied hesitantly. I didn’t like the look on her face. Bontle always had a twinkle in her eyes when she was just her, normal and bubbly. Whenever she became worried and serious, it disappeared. She became normal like the rest of us. I guess that’s what happens when you fall from the clouds, you lose all the magical shimmer and all. I gave her a serious look to show her that I was interested in what she had to say, but at the same time, my eyes kept focusing on her face and its beauty. She had the most amazing even toned dark skin that took advantage of the lighting around us, just bouncing off perfection. Off topic for a second, but she also had the most perfect and unique laugh. No one else has a laugh like hers. I don’t have a distinct laugh that you can associate me with. Kate has one too. I’m cursed without a laugh. Anyway, back to my sister’s perfect face. We don’t look alike, my sister and I. We both have the same shade dark skin, but it ends there. I have a huge nose and she has a perfect tiny, button like nose, and an incredible smile with incredible teeth. I have gaps between my teeth. I tried getting braces when I was younger, but my mother said she would kill me if I ever did anything to alter my teeth. Although that’s a total different story which I don’t like getting into, it hurts a bit.

  “I’ve met someone, and he’s proposed,” she blurted out, almost shocked that she was telling me.

  What?

  “What?” I replied, utter shock surrounding every feeling in my being.

  “Yes, it’s true. And it’s so horrible that I haven’t told you or my parents about him.” Bontle was looking rather flushed from her confession, but she seemed relieved at the same time, relieved to be telling someone in the family.

  “But why, what’s wrong with him? Why are you telling me this now, when you’re engaged?” I know it’s wrong, but at that moment, there was a tingling feeling in my heart, envy I think it was, building up and sitting all wrong inside of me. My sister was engaged and I had never had a boyfriend. It was killing me inside that I was being this crude. The feeling was just gnawing at me, adding to the one I had muted, the one about her being accomplished and me being a bum. I couldn’t resist it, that’s all. Then when it was all there, ready to be recognised, I just let it be, and it took over. I was jealous of the person my sister was, and it was not fair to her. I’m sure if she knew how I felt at that moment, she would hate me and never tell me anything.

  Bontle clasped onto my hand and started to cry. That’s when I started to feel really bad about my being envious of her.

  “Our parents wouldn’t approve of him, that’s why.” She cried. Tears were just free falling from her eyes, piercing my heart, with every drop they made.

  “No, don’t cry,” I said. I felt really awkward, as one would be in a helpless situation like this one. I never know how to comfort a person who is crying, especially when I have no idea what they are going through. I don’t know what they want or need, that is. I just have to look at them and let them do whatever they want and I just follow their lead. If it’s a hug they want, I give it; if it’s comforting advice, I give it; if it’s something to wipe the tears and snot, I give it; if it’s just the comfort of having someone listen to their problems, I lend my ears. The only problem is when I can’t read the signal, that’s when I have to go solo and assume what they want. I never willingly go up to a person and start crying out of nowhere, confiding in them. I keep it all in, in the hopes that it will all go away soon. I’m like a bottle.

  “It’s true, they won’t approve of him. He’s getting divorced and he already has two kids from his marriage. You know how mum is about her religion and morals,” she said, speaking through her tears.

  At this point I had no idea how to react, and it was one of those cases where I had no idea what to do. This was my big sister telling me her dilemma, and I had no way of giving her advice. I’m younger than her and my experience in grown up stuff and real issues, resides in the movies.

  “Um, that’s a tough one. What does he do?” I had to be the strong one, so I decided not to be ridiculous and fulfil my duties as a sister.

  “He’s also a lawyer; he’s a partner at the firm I’m working at.”

  Oh, there’s the key, mum will never mind one of her daughters getting married to a well accomplished man. But two kids, this will have to be a tough one.

  “How long have you been seeing each other?” there I go with the questions. That’s what they do in talk shows, if they want to solve a person’s problem.

  “About a year, maybe eleven months or so. The thing is, mum will never agree to the fact that I have been seeing a married man. He’s not divorced yet, just in the process. He proposed last week. You see how complicated my life is right now? That’s why I can’t tell anyone, they’d think I broke up a marriage.”

  I was running out of ideas, so I decided to just act spontaneously and not calculate my role in this conversation. This had never happened before. We had never had such a serious issue arise in our secret vault.

  “Bontle, stop crying please, it’s not solving anything,” I said, hoping not to sound insensitive.

  “But I love him!” she broke further into her painful crying, making me feel even more awkward.

  “Stop crying!” I screamed, slapping her hand. Well, I had to use it sometime, my slap from earlier. She retreated from me a bit, rather shocked that I had slapped her. But at least she stopped crying. “Good, now, you need to pull yourself together and stop blowing this situation out of proportion,” I continued. “I don’t think that telling our parents that you’ve been seeing a married man, is going to be a big deal. I think you’ve made this conclusion in your head that they won’t accept your relationship and it’s wrong. Why are you deciding for them?”

  She wiped her face. “I know you’re right, but it’s hard. I’m so perfect in their eyes, and now I promote adultery,” she said, on the brink of more tears.

  Great, she already thinks she’s perfect. My envy of her sort of retracted. I don’t want to be perfect, perfect people suffer. They can’t do anything wrong, that is. But another part of me felt a little annoyed that my sister thinks she’s perfect in my parent’s eyes. Who does she think she is?

  “Well, I don’t think you have much of a choice here, Bontle. Either you tell my parents you’re getting married or you don’t get married.”

  “I know- I know. I have to tell them, but not now- not with the phekolo hanging over our heads. But you have to promise not to breathe a word to anyone,” she said, throwing the blankets off her body, and getting off my bed. Just like that.

  “That’s what the secret walls a
re for, to keep secrets,” I quipped, hoping it would bring a smile to her face and that twinkle in her eyes, but I failed. She just looked at me with a straight face and left. Not even a thank you for my wise advice. That’s what you get when you’re related to a perfect person.

  I woke up this morning with a heavy head from the big secret I was holding. I may have tried to brush it off but I was really concerned about my sister and what she had told me. There was also happiness in there too, because she was getting married. I just had so much, rushing through my head and for once, none of it was about me. I had no idea what to do to make it stop. I had to make myself numb to this information I held because then the secret would come out by accident when I was around the parents. I’m sure that once my sister comes clean about her shenanigans with a married man, my mother is going to die from a broken heart, because her daughter has been proposed marriage and she has never met the man. Then the part about him having another family; two children and an ex-wife will settle in after, creating her to overreact to such a simple situation. Dad will pretend like he’s not in the room, just so he doesn’t overshadow his wife, busy being a drama queen. Of course he’d say something eventually, but when the dust settles down and mum has calmed down. I feel for my sister, I really do. It can’t be easy, trying to embark on a new life with someone, aside all the drama. She’s going to be a stepmother and all. I’m sure certain parts of her situation like that factor, are part of the reason why she’s freaking out. But in the end it’s all about love. I’ll just have to wait and see how far she’s willing to go, to marry this guy. I wonder what he looks like. He better be pretty worth it for the rift he’s going to cause in the family.

  The ride to my home village was so dusty and bumpy. Now that it’s winter, everything is all dry and dusty. There is nothing to look at, too. There are no large puddles along the road, created by rain of course, and the veldts and bushes are all dried up, waiting to be rejuvenated by the next rainy season. All I could think about was that I was going to miss the first official girls’ night out with Kate. My sister was her usual self again, sucking up to our parents. We were all travelling in my mother’s ancient Sedan, since we couldn’t all fit in my father’s truck. And there it was, our home village Kalamare, unfolding as the car moved closer. The name is written on one of the hills with painted white rocks. My heart beats faster every time I see the hill, then it slows down when I think about all the greeting I’m going to do and all the cousins I’m going to endure. Normally, I’m not this pissed about going home, in fact, I like going there and being in the country with all the insects and the wild grass. I just don’t appreciate how it was so unannounced, so much so that it ruined my plans. It gets me thinking if this is a sign that I’ll never have a life or something. Another thing, if I was all independent and on my own, my parents wouldn’t have forced me to come, it would have been my own decision!