by Alexis Anne
I took off toward my bedroom.
“Nicki, don’t do this,” Theo begged. “She’s leaving tonight and she won’t ever be able to come back.”
“I don’t fucking care,” I yelled back.
As I slammed the door my mother called out, “My door in Zurich will always be open.”
I threw myself on the bed and finally cried.
15
Knock, knock, knock.
That sad lullaby was back.
“Nik, please open the fucking door.”
Knock, knock, knock.
I hadn’t left my bed since I threw my mother out. Theo had left me food and his disapproval. They were cold company.
But Darcy was back. I got the impression Theo told him to get his ass home because it had been less than twenty-four hours.
My anger had morphed into loneliness. And the loneliness had transformed into so much more. Yes, it hurt that Darcy couldn’t be there for me any more than I could be there for him, but I couldn’t move past my own pain. I’d spent weeks in what was essentially solitary confinement. The only person I spoke to in all that time was Father and he wasn’t exactly a good conversationalist.
My brain wasn’t right and my heart was broken. As desperately as I needed comfort I was incapable of opening myself up to more pain.
But Darcy kept knocking and my heart wouldn’t allow me to deny him any longer. I rolled out of bed looking exactly like I’d slept in my clothes, and opened the door.
My heart stopped.
He stood with his head down and his hands in his coat pockets, shoulders hunched against the world. He looked completely and utterly defeated in a way I’d never seen him before.
“Can I come in?” He didn’t meet my eyes but I got a good look at his face. His skin was pale, his eyes sunken in their sockets. His normally strong frame somehow seemed fragile—as if a strong wind might blow him over.
“Oh God, Darcy.”
He flashed me a half-smile. “That good, eh?”
“I guess Theo wasn’t exaggerating when he said you weren’t doing well.”
He finally looked at me, locking his gaze with mine and holding while a million silent worries passed between us.
“Come in,” I sighed. “I’ll make tea.”
He nodded and shuffled inside, stopping to briefly press his lips to my cheek as I shut the door. “Tea sounds nice, Nik.”
So that’s what I focused on. Tea. I set out the kettle, cleaned the counter, and braced myself for what felt an awful lot like a war.
“How’s the head?” I asked when I’d mustered up my courage.
“Not quite right.”
In my own ways I could relate to that. The mental games that I’d had to play my entire life left me wondering what was real and what was fake half the time. Was I an artist or not? Did Darcy love me or did I simply want Darcy to love me? Was it safe to walk down the street?
All valid concerns in my book.
He sniffed and cocked his head off to the side, eyes still trained down on his feet. “I didn’t want to be here when you came home because I thought I’d make things worse.”
“How?” I asked, leaning toward him. “How could your being here make things worse?”
He flinched. “I didn’t forget that I love you, Nicki. Or that you love me, if that’s what you’re worried about. But…” he took a deep inhale and let it out very slowly. “Not remembering big chunks of time and going home to a flat that’s been completely torn to shreds has a way of fucking with your brain.”
I moved around the counter and laid my head against his chest so that I could hear his heart beat. He froze, standing stock still for several moments before he relaxed around me, his arms holding me tight.
“Fuck, Nik,” he murmured, his voice strained, “I went mad when I woke up. They had to put me in restraints. The only thing I could think of was getting to you.”
A sob tore out of me. I hadn’t allowed myself to dream of Darcy coming for me. Not once. Dreams like that were dangerous. But now that I was free and he was here, it crashed over me. I wanted Darcy to find a way to rescue me and to know that he’d tried—even hurt and confused—it was too much.
“Oh babe,” he whispered, running his fingers through my hair. “I’m so sorry. So, so sorry I couldn’t get to you.”
His arms shook as he held me, the muscles spasming from the effort, and as much as I hated to admit it, maybe Darcy had been right. Maybe staying away yesterday was the right call. I wasn’t sure I would have been able to handle seeing him so broken down, not on top of everything else. I felt responsible for this.
I took his hand, turned off the kettle, and led him to my room. One button at a time I opened his coat, slid it down his arms, and tossed it aside.
He watched me without saying a word as I undressed him, then me, then pulled him under the covers with our bodies pressed together. This wasn’t about sex. This was skin-to-skin contact. Human contact. Something I hadn’t had in far too long and something Darcy needed.
For five minutes we needed to put everything aside and just be together.
“What is this?” he whispered against my hair as he held me to him.
“Recovery.”
“You want me to hold you?”
I nodded against his strong chest. Darcy was defeated, but his strength was still in there, waiting to return. “It’s been so long.”
He squeezed me closer. “Did he…did he hurt you?” His voice wavered.
“Not physically.”
His arms started trembling again. “I’m going to kill him, Nicki. I’m going to fucking kill him for this.”
I burrowed into his chest. “Let’s not talk about this right now.”
He didn’t answer and I knew he was fixated on revenge instead of me. So I changed the subject.
“I met my mother.”
He relaxed. A little. “And?”
I shrugged. “I don’t think meeting right after spending a month in my father’s house was the best time for us to get to know each other.”
The silence settled around us and I’d just started to close my eyes and breathe him in when he answered. “I’m glad she got you out but I hope to never see her again.”
I sat up. “You met her?”
“Aye,” he nodded. “And I don’t think losing the love of my life to her ex-husband and having a knock on the head was the best combination for our meeting either.”
Love of his life.
I didn’t think I’d ever get over hearing that.
“How are you? Really?”
I could see the differences, hear it in his breathing, but I wanted to hear him say it.
“Physically, I’m at about seventy-five percent. You should have seen me a week ago. This is a vast improvement.”
If this was a vast improvement then he must have been really bad off. “Why? What happened?”
He brushed my hair over my shoulder as he gazed up at me. “I was on the impact side of the car. There were contusions from here to here,” he ran his finger from his shoulder down to his knees. I could still make out the discoloration now that I knew what to look for. “My knee was so swollen I couldn’t walk for about three days and I fought the restraints they put me in until they sedated me. Basically I put my body through hell and it’s doing it’s best to recover. I’m eating as best I can and taking this vitamin shit they suggested.”
“And your head?”
“Severe concussion. I had amnesia when I first came around but my memory is back. I’m just having trouble with the present.” He furrowed his brow in frustration.
“What do you mean, the present?”
He worried his lower lip for a moment. “I’m having trouble concentrating and making memories. Until about a week ago I’d just stare off into space for long stretches of time. Forget what I’d done, if I’d eaten, what I’d said. Then things suddenly started to improve and for the last few days I’ve been almost normal. Not quite, but almost.”
“I was so worried you’d forgotten us,” I confessed.
His hands tightened on my hips. “Babe. I could never forget us.”
A smile curled my lips. “Are you feeling well enough to prove it to me?”
His eyes flashed with hunger. “I think if we take it slow and easy I might be up for that.”
“Good, because I’m dying to have you inside me.” I straddled him.
He rocked up against me. “Condom?”
I didn’t want to waste a second. This moment felt fragile. As if this peace between us were about to fall apart. “What if just this once we go without?”
He sucked in a breath and froze. “As much as I’d love to be bare inside you, babe, I don’t think either of us is ready to deal with the consequences of unprotected sex.”
“I’m on birth control.”
His jaw ticked. “And birth control fails. At least with a condom we’ve got an extra layer of protection.” He must have seen the rejection in my eyes because he sat up so that we were nose to nose. “I love you, Nicki. And if we decide to have children one day I want it to be because we were ready. I will love any child we make, but I’d really prefer it to be when I’m ready to give that child everything I have. And right now? Neither of us is ready for that.”
I nodded, my hands shaking. “You’re right.” I don’t know what I’d been thinking—mostly how desperately and quickly I wanted to connect with Darcy—but he was right. The condom was only a few steps away and the risk wasn’t worth it considering the state we were in.
“I only want the best for you.” His fingers threaded through my hair, pulling my forehead to his lips.
And I only wanted the best for him. I slid off the bed and retrieved a condom from the drawer. On my way back I got a different look at Darcy’s naked body and the exhaustion in his eyes. I wondered if I looked just as different to him.
We were a mess. Shadows of our former selves. How had so much changed in a month?
“What?” he asked when he caught me staring.
I didn’t want to tell him what I was really thinking. It was too depressing, so I ripped open the packet and gave him a slightly different, but true, answer. “It’s weird. To be so lonely for so long, then slip back into this with you as if it were the most natural thing in the world.” He didn’t protest when I pulled my hand back and refused to give him the condom.
Instead he watched with wide eyes as I rolled it down his length. “How lonely?” he croaked.
I straddled him again, holding myself up while he positioned the tip of his cock with his hand. I waited until he looked up. “The only person who spoke to me was Father.”
“Nicki…” he let out a strangled moan as I sank down onto him, then rose back up to take him again, deeper. He reached up and ran his thumb along my cheek. “I should have been here. Fuck, I should have been here for you.”
Yes. All I could think was yes. But I couldn’t let that anger and rejection overtake me again. We weren’t ready to unleash that beast. “You’re here now.” I rode him achingly slowly, savoring each and every moment of connection. He laced his fingers through mine, holding me up, watching me with dark, hooded eyes.
“Will you ever forgive me?” he whispered.
I froze. “For what?”
He shook his head and looked away. “For not being the man you needed. For not getting you out of there. For not getting you out sooner? Take your fucking pick.”
I took his hands and placed them on my breasts as I sank down his length and locked us together. Then I turned his chin and forced him to look at me. Darcy had gone straight past frustration over the last few weeks and dove headfirst into anger about the past. He was spiraling down and I needed to pull us out.
“I forgive you. There was nothing you could have done.” I knew that and he should, too. But I had a feeling he was too upset to understand that right now.
“I should have burned down London for you,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. “A long time ago.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
He pulled me down so that I was sprawled across his chest, nose-to-nose, and staring into my eyes. “I want you to get one thing straight, Nicki. You’re worth it. You’re worth it all.”
I swallowed down a gasp. “Then promise me you won’t go after Father.”
“I won’t do that,” he growled.
“He’ll kill you.”
“Like hell he will.”
“Yes, Darcy. He will.” I searched his eyes and placed my hands around his face. “He has too many men, too much money, and he’s too evil. Just…be here with me. Forget about him.” If Darcy tried to stop my father right now there was absolutely no chance he’d survive.
“You’re asking me to do the impossible.”
Panic gripped me. “You said I was worth it? Then do this for me. Do the impossible.”
And then to my complete horror, he lifted me off his cock and set me on the bed beside him, rolling off the mattress and finding his boxers. “We’re not ready for this. I’ll come back in a couple of days after you’ve had a chance to sleep and calm down.”
I stared at him. He’d lost his mind. He was so obsessed with righting the past and seeking revenge that he was reckless and stupid. I panicked. “Do not walk out that door, Darcy. I need you. I need you here with me.” To love me and make love to me. We couldn’t fix this if he was dead.
But the stubborn bastard shoved one foot inside his jeans and glared up at me with fire in his eyes. “No, you want a half-man to stay here with you. I may be broken down but I’m not out. And I will not lay here when that man is walking the earth.”
“I need you.” I bit out the words torn between wanting to throw myself at him and punch him in the face.
A look flashed across his face like a dawning realization. I knew instinctively that I wasn’t going to like what he said next. “I’m not exactly up to the task of being your man, Nicki. Never have been. A real man would have been here. A real man would know what to do. I’ve always managed to skate by but no more. I’m done faking it.”
“Faking it?” I gasped. “Are you talking about being a man or are you really talking about loving me?” Because I got the distinct impression he was seconds away from telling me all of this had been one big lie.
“Take your pick,” he sneered, confirming my biggest fear. “I’m not very good at either.”
This wasn’t Darcy talking. These were the words of a stranger. A liar. “You love me.”
For a split second I saw him falter. Saw the doubt flicker across his features. “I do love you, but not enough to make this work.”
At least he wasn’t totally lying. And then it hit me. This was all an elaborate act to get out of my flat so he could carry out his genius plan to kill my father. I knew all this and yet his words cut so deep the pain blinded me.
“Stay. Please stay, Darcy,” I begged. “We can figure this out.”
He yanked on his shirt and grabbed his coat. “This isn’t a fairytale, Nicki. Magical forest creatures aren’t going to clean your flat while we fuck our troubles away. I’m not your Prince Fucking Charming and you aren’t the princess waiting to be saved. Problems don’t evaporate in pixie dust simply because we love each other.”
“I don’t think this is a fairytale. Trust me, there’s nothing magical about the life I’ve lived. I’m brutally aware of how unfair life is. But I can’t imagine a world where we don’t make each other better.”
He shoved his hands back in his pockets. “You remember what I told you? About what my mum taught me?”
A cold realization hit me, sliding under my skin. “Yes.”
“I’m choosing to not destroy you with my love, Nicki, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop loving you. I want to build you up, not tear you down.”
“And I don’t get a say in this?” Maybe if I shook him really fucking hard it would rattle his brain enough to make sense again.
“Theo loves you. He’ll be here
for you every step of the way. Anything you need, he’ll take care of it.”
He may as well have punched me in the gut. His words took all the air out of my lungs. “I don’t want a caretaker. I want a lover.”
But he’d already made his decision. It was clear by the hard look in his eyes—almost as if the man I loved wasn’t inside him at all. “I should go before we say things we can’t take back.” He moved to the door so I threw myself in his path.
“You don’t want me?”
His eyes fell to my throat, avoiding my eyes. “I’ll always want you.”
“Then take me. Be with me.” My hands flew over his body. “Don’t leave me now…”
“Nicki.”
“Please?” I put my hands around his neck and pulled my body flush against his.
He took his hands out of his coat and placed them on my shoulders, physically separating us. The he reached for the door behind me. “Goodbye, Nicki.”
This was it. He was leaving. He was leaving and he’d never come back. Not alive. I think I went a little mad in that moment because the things I said were unlike anything I’d ever uttered before.
“Fuck you, Darcy Higgins!” I yelled, desperate to rile him up, anything to get more than the glassy eyed calm I’d gotten so far. “Fuck you. You are a weak, pathetic bastard.” The anger ripped out of me and there was no way to stop it. I needed to make him hurt the way I was hurting. I needed to stop him. “You’re a hack who uses my brother because you can’t make it on your own. You ruined his life and you ruined mine too. You’re nothing, Darcy. A nobody who’ll never be anything!”
