by Iris Murdoch
It was late on Thursday evening and she had just observed from an upper window, by the light of the street lamps in Forum Way, the unmistakable bulk of John Robert coming along the path from the back gate.
Although the girls had been expecting him and were hourly ‘ready’ for him, his actual appearance produced surprise and shock. Their ‘readiness’ had consisted in the cleanness and tidiness of the house, the availability of suitable things to eat and drink, and the adoption of appropriate clothes and (in Hattie’s case) hair-style. Pearl had wavered between donning her operatic maid’s uniform and boldly wearing a flowery summer dress which would not distinguish her sartorially from her mistress. Hattie wore her more soberly youthful garments, one of her school ‘Sunday’ dresses, pretty not smart, and kept her hair in plaits. In fact when Pearl spotted John Robert she had just taken off her flowery dress, about to take a bath, imagining it was too late for the philosopher to come that day. In panic, rumpling her dark straight neat hair, she dragged the dress on again and hurried down the stairs, buttoning it up as she ran. Hattie, who was reading I Promessi Sposi in the sitting-room with her slippers off and one plait undone, leapt up and began to adjust her hair while trying to lodge one bare foot inside a slipper, the other slipper having disappeared.
Pearl opened the door as John Robert approached it, and he entered, passing her with a slight frown, and went at once into the sitting-room where Hattie was stooping to rescue her second slipper from under a chair. She hopped, pulling it on, then stood, holding one plait in her hand.
John Robert stared at her as if she were an amazing apparition, then said, ‘Don’t look so frightened.’ Pearl closed the sitting-room door and glued herself to the outside of it.
John Robert had intended to delay his visit to the Slipper House until his agitation had subsided and his mind had cleared. However, when his agitation did not subside and his mind did not clear, he decided he must see Hattie. As soon as he decided this he became conscious of an unprecedentedly strong desire to be with her. He felt angry with the girls for having somehow ‘let it all happen’, but, obsessed with George, he had not reflected on exactly what they were supposed to have done, nor had he planned how to question them. The idea of simply being with Hattie had seemed far more important than ‘demanding explanations’ or ‘taking steps’. And now he was more disturbed even than he had expected by the sight of the girl who, although she had tried semi-consciously to look younger, could not help looking radiantly older.
‘I’m not frightened,’ said Hattie, and she threw her plait back over one shoulder and then her semi-plaited hair back over the other. She was frightened of course, but she felt, confronted so abruptly by her grandfather, a quick surge of annoyed independence which made her little cry not entirely specious.
John Robert sat down on one of the sturdier chairs, avoiding the bamboo armchair. Hattie did not sit, but leaned against the mantelpiece, holding her skirt away from the gas fire which she had put on since the late evening was chilly.
John Robert said, ‘Be careful, you’ll burn your dress. Anyway you don’t need the fire, do you, at this time of year?’ As he said this he heard the voice of his father speaking.
Hattie leaned down and turned the fire off with a jerk and resumed her pose.
John Robert felt suddenly tired and even closed his eyes.
Hattie said, ‘Would you like something to eat, or some lemonade or coffee or something?’
‘No thank you. Hattie — ’
‘Yes?’
There was a moment, a micro-second, in which they both felt that something impossible might happen, such as Hattie running into his arms, crying out and weeping, and his stroking her hair and babbling with tenderness; but of course it was impossible.
John Robert collected himself and said, ‘Look, what happened here the other night? There was a very disagreeable notice in the Gazette. I hope you didn’t see it.’
‘We did,’ said Hattie.
‘And what did you do about it?’
‘Nothing. What did you expect us to do? We’ve been waiting for days to see you!’
John Robert had not meant ‘what did you do?’ and could not think why he had said it. His need to ‘interrogate’ the girls had slightly diminished even within the last hours as he began a little to feel that he had ‘done with’ George and Tom, as if he had killed them both; and he had arrived with no clear idea of ‘instituting an inquiry’, only now of course he saw that he must do so, and the old unappeased anger began to come back.
He said, ‘I mean - what you read in the paper - was it true?’
‘No, of course not! It was horrible spiteful journalism - it upset us very much!’
‘So George McCaffrey was not in this house?’
‘Well, he was, but — ’
‘So it was true, anyway some of it was true?’
‘Yes, but — ’
‘Did you see the other article, the one in The Swimmer?’
‘No.’
‘Did you invite George and Tom McCaffrey to this house?’
‘No!’
‘Then how was George here?’
‘I don’t know — ’
‘Did Pearl let him in?’
‘No - Pearl had gone out but locked the door, all the doors were locked.’
‘Pearl had gone out, leaving you alone?’
‘No, I mean yes, I asked her to go out — ’
‘Why?’
‘To look for Tom McCaffrey.’
‘You sent Pearl to look for Tom McCaffrey? So you did invite him here?’
‘No, not like that - I mean - I wanted - I didn’t believe he had done it all to - to make a mock of us — ’
‘He had done it all to make a mock of you?’
‘No, I say he hadn’t —’
‘So Pearl did let George in and then went to find Tom too?’
‘No, no - I don’t know how George got in, the door was locked — ’
‘It can’t have been. When George was here - were you alone with him?’
‘Yes, but only — ’
‘Did - did anything - happen?’
Hattie flushed crimson. ‘No! Nothing happened! He came in and I opened the shutters at once so that the others could see — ’
‘The others? Your friends outside? Tom McCaffrey?’
‘Well, anybody - I thought — ’
‘You opened the shutters to display yourself with George?’
‘No, not - display - I thought he’d go away then - and he did - and Tom was looking in and - then they all started singing — ’
‘Hattie,’ said John Robert, ‘were you drunk?’
‘No!’ Hattie stamped her foot. She turned away, turned around, helpless, then stood behind a chair staring at the philosopher with her face burning, near to tears.
John Robert looked at Hattie with a frowning intensity. He said, ‘How did those newspapers come to find out - that I wanted you to get to know Tom McCaffrey?’
‘I don’t know!’
‘You must have told somebody.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘I didn’t say it was a secret, but I have always trusted your ability to distinguish between public and private, and I did not expect you to gossip — ’
‘ I didn’t!’
‘Did you tell Pearl?’
‘Well, yes but — ’
‘Then you told somebody.’
‘Yes, but that was different, and she knew anyway, and — ’
‘How did she know anyway? Unless she was listening at the door.’ John Robert got up and opened the sitting-room door abruptly. Pearl was discovered standing an inch away. He said, ‘You’d better come in.’
Pearl came in, turning her face away from Hattie. She went and stood by the shuttered window, keeping her head high and smoothing down her hair and gazing unseeingly across the room.
John Robert, standing now in the centre and addressing Pearl, said, ‘Do you realize how much damage you’ve done? You have both contrived to ma
ke me ridiculous in this town, this place which I love and to which I trustfully brought you. And you have damaged Hattie’s reputation probably beyond repair. Were you drunk?’
Pearl said, ‘No,’ flickering her eyes at John Robert for a second and then resuming her grim gaze.
Hattie said, ‘Of course she wasn’t! It wasn’t her fault!’
‘It was yours then?’
‘No! You keep saying things and it’s all wrong and you won’t listen.’
‘And I read in the paper,’ said John Robert to Pearl, ‘that you were seen out in the garden passionately hugging and kissing another girl.’
Pearl said nothing.
John Robert said to Hattie, ‘Were you the other girl?’
‘No,’ said Hattie. ‘I didn’t go out. Of course Pearl wasn’t hugging and kissing girls! She was out looking for Tom like I said — ’
‘So that didn’t happen?’ said John Robert to Pearl.
Pearl spent a second wondering whether to lie, then said, ‘It did, only it wasn’t a girl, it was a man dressed as a girl.’
‘I see,’ said John Robert. ‘You admit shamelessly - not that it matters now — ’ He said to Hattie, ‘Your - your maid - is outside in the arms of vicious girls or vicious men dressed as girls, and you tell me she didn’t let George McCaffrey in.’
Hattie said to Pearl, ‘You can’t have been - I don’t understand — ’
‘Perhaps you know Miss Scotney less well than you think, Harriet. I learn only now that she is the sister of that prostitute, that corrupt and degraded woman who is - who is also connected with George - I suppose that is true?’
‘She’s not my sister, she’s my cousin,’ said Pearl in a dull hard voice.
‘Well, your close associate.’
‘No, not— ’
‘If I had known of this connection,’ John Robert went on, ‘I would never have engaged you. I asked you if there was anything in your history which I ought to know about and you said no - you lied.’
‘I have no connection with her. It was not in any way relevant.’
‘Stop being rude to Pearl,’ said Hattie. ‘I love her, and she’s my sister, and she did nothing wrong I know, let me just tell you what happened, we heard all this noise and we closed the shutters and I asked Pearl to find Tom because I wanted to tell him, I mean I wanted him to tell me, I knew it wasn’t a thing against us and I didn’t want to think that he had - and so I wanted him to say - oh I can’t explain exactly, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault — ’
‘I see you can’t explain! But I tell you one thing. You won’t see that young man again. I’ve told him not to show his face in Ennistone.’
‘You told him not to —? But I want to see him!’ Hattie was suddenly panting with emotion, unconsciously unravelling her other plait and unbuttoning the neck of her dress, looking from John Robert’s big face, all wrinkled up with anger and distress, to Pearl’s frozen unresponsive glare. Pearl refused to look at her.
‘You are a child,’ said John Robert, ‘and you do not seem to realize the harm which this boy and his brother have done to you. You cannot want to see him. In any case I forbid it.’
‘It was your idea!’ said Hattie. ‘You wanted me to know him! Now I want to see him again! And I will! I want him to explain - It was your idea.’
‘I have changed my mind.’ He turned to Pearl. ‘Would you please go and pack a suitcase for Harriet.’
‘What do you mean? Stop! Pearl, don’t go!’
But Pearl had already passed her without a glance and left the room and closed the door.
‘Please,’ said Hattie, and at this moment she found it strange and awful that she had no name by which to call him. ‘Please, what is happening, where are we going?’
‘We are going to Hare Lane,’ said John Robert. ‘I cannot leave you unprotected in this corrupt house. I am going to order a taxi.’ He lifted the telephone.
‘But Pearl will come too — ’
‘No, of course not.’ John Robert ordered the taxi, Pearl opened the door to say that the suitcase was ready. Hattie sat down in the bamboo armchair. She did not cry. She breathed, almost gasping, pulling at the collar of her dress with both hands.
After he had put the telephone down, John Robert looked at her gloomily, biting his knuckles. Then he said to her in a hoarse whisper, ‘You are, aren’t you, still a virgin?’
Hattie stared at him; she rose and then she screamed. Alex in Belmont heard the scream. Pearl came and threw open the door. Hattie ran out into the hall and stood at the foot of the stairs, her face covered with a net of tears like a veil.
Five minutes later Hattie was sitting crying in the taxi. Pearl had shoved her suitcase in beside her without a word and was returning to the house. John Robert was standing on the lawn in the light from the open front door. Pearl marched past him. Then she turned in the doorway and said, ‘Well, what do you want me to do?’
John Robert moved to the door, still biting his knuckles, and Pearl stood aside and they stood together in the hall with the door open.
Pearl’s sallow face was hard, her thin nose as sharp as a knife.
John Robert said, ‘You may stay here for the present, and of course pack up the rest of Harriet’s things and see that everything is ready to be moved out.’
‘Where are we going?’ said Pearl. Her voice was steady but she could not stop herself from trembling.
‘We are not going anywhere,’ said John Robert. ‘Harriet and I will be returning to America. You may go where you please.’
‘You mean,’ said Pearl, ‘that my employment is at an end.’
‘I told you at the start that it was to cease when Harriet was grown up.’
‘Did you?’
‘I will give you six months’ wages and a generous honorarium.’ John Robert spoke softly now in a low voice, and his face looked quiet and puzzled and tired as if he had done some hard work and was now resting and reflecting in a rather abstract way about other matters.
‘She isn’t grown up,’ said Pearl. ‘Besides, she needs me, she loves me, she has no one else — ’
John Robert said in his cruel abstracted soft voice, ‘She has been made too precious, she has lived too much out of the world, you have encouraged her in habits of dependence — ’
‘I only did what you wanted.’
‘She has become too dependent, too easily led, too weak, and it is time — ’
‘She isn’t easily led or weak! Anyway it isn’t my fault, you always insisted — ’
‘It doesn’t matter now whose fault it is. It is time to make a brisk change. I have formed the view, on I think sufficient evidence, that you are not a fit person — ’
‘Because you thought I was kissing a girl?’
‘You have unfortunate connections. I no longer trust you. I’m sorry.’
‘But I haven’t done anything, you don’t understand, you wouldn’t let us explain, it was just unlucky — ’
‘I am tired of being told lies, and I don’t want unlucky people in my employ.’
‘You can’t do this suddenly after so many years — ’
‘Better suddenly, better for Harriet.’
‘No, it’s unfair — ’
‘I can imagine that you are sorry to lose a well-paid job. But you can hardly complain that you have not had enough money out of us! And when I think what my money has bought — ’
‘It isn’t to do with money,’ said Pearl. ‘You made me, you invented me, you and, you can’t just say it’s at an end — ’
‘I don’t see why not. It is in the nature of such a post to end. Your family feelings are unilateral, they are your affair.’
‘Hattie loves me. Doesn’t that matter to you?’
‘I don’t believe it. Childish habits are soon lost. She will have worthier objects of interest.’
‘I have nothing, nothing, and she — ’
‘No doubt that is what your family feelings amount to. You have always envied Harriet and wante
d to pull her down.’
‘No, no, I just mean that she has been my world.’
‘You will find other worlds, you already seem to be at home in some rather unsavoury ones. Could we end this conversation? You will receive your money by post.’
‘When can I see Harriet again?’
‘Never. You are not to come near her. You are not to see her again. That is final.’
‘But where are you taking her, are you going to be together in that little house in Hare Lane?’
‘Yes, why not?’
‘You know why not.’
John Robert lost his quiet tired look and stared keenly at Pearl for a moment. He said, but in the same soft tone, ‘You are a corrupt person. I only hope you have not corrupted Harriet.’
‘I haven’t told her that!’
‘You brought that man to Harriet.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘I have no more to say to you.’
‘And you asked her if she was still a virgin!’
‘Enough. Do not bring your foul person near to us. We are going to America. You will not see her or me again.’ He moved to the door.
‘Wait, John Robert, wait, I beg you,’ said Pearl.
The utterance of the name startled them both, and for a second they stood absolutely still staring at each other. Then Pearl took hold of the sleeve of John Robert’s overcoat. ‘Please think, please understand. Hattie does need me. But I wanted to say something else. You are a miracle in my life. You saw me and knew me and chose me and you were right. You trusted me and you were right to trust me. I am not a corrupt person, forgive what I said just now, it was nonsense, it’s just that I care so much for you and Hattie, and I’ve watched you both so carefully, I’ve watched over you as if you were holy things - and I’m so upset and frightened now - I have done everything that you wanted and I have served you and Hattie in absolute loyalty and truth. And so much more than that. Oh can’t you see!, I love Hattie and I love you, I love you, like family, like a person in love, I am a person in love. You and Hattie are my life, you are my life, my occupation and my aim - my love has worked so long, it has waited so long, can’t it speak, can’t it be seen at last? Can’t I tell the truth at last to you, who care so much about truth? Don’t you know what love is like and how it longs to speak, it has to speak? I’ve been so quiet and so patient and so invisible, and I’ve been happy being patient and just serving you and doing exactly what you said and doing it well. Just wait, don’t be hasty, don’t send me away. I have value. Let me still be with you and Hattie, let me work for you still, I can be so useful, I can do so many things, I can learn to be whatever you want, don’t throw my love and service away - I am empty, I am poured out, all I have is you, all I am is you, don’t abandon me, don’t leave me, John Robert, let me still be in your life, oh believe me, believe in my love, look on me with kindness, with just a little kindness, please, I haven’t done anything wrong, I swear — ’
