Could It Happen? Yes. In fact, a group of Swedish oceanographers used the technique to salvage a ship in 1964. Nearly all of Donald’s comic book adventures were written and drawn by Carl Barks, who never underestimated the intelligence of his audience. Barks was careful to include elements of science in his stories (possibly to compensate for the fact that his main character was a talking duck).
Fish have no salivary glands.
BATHROOM NEWS
Here are a few fascinating bits of bathroom trivia that we’ve flushed out from around the world.
RELIEF PLAYER
In April 2004, a minor league baseball player named Jeff Liefer made history when he got locked in the bathroom during a game between the Indianapolis Indians and the Louisville Bats. “The handle didn’t work,” says Liefer, who plays first base for the Indians and spent five seasons in the big leagues. Maintenance workers passed a wrench through a vent in the wall, but all Liefer managed to do was remove the door handle without unlocking the door. Then they handed him a hammer and chisel, and he finally freed himself by prying the hinges off the door. The game resumed after a 20-minute delay (the Indians lost, 9–0). “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who got stuck in the bathroom,” said Liefer. “Hopefully, it’ll happen to someone else so it won’t be such a big deal.”
PLEASE BE SEATED
A German inventor named Alex Benkhardt has created a device designed to shame men with bad aim into sitting down to pee. The device, called the WC Ghost, attaches to a toilet seat. Every time the seat is lifted, a stern female voice says, “Hello, what are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away, you are definitely not to pee standing up—you will make a right mess.” As of mid-2004, Benkhardt had sold more than 1.6 million of the devices in Germany, and plans to expand into Italy, Canada, and England.
NOW, WHERE’D I PUT THAT?
In April 2004, a federal air marshal made a pit stop in the ladies’ room at the Cleveland Hopkins International Airport in Cleveland, Ohio. A few minutes later the marshal realized she’d left something behind: her loaded handgun. She apparently had put the gun on a shelf while she washed her hands, then forgot to grab it after she finished. A few minutes later someone else using the restroom saw the gun and, fortunately, alerted airport police.
Groaner: Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 789.
YOU’VE GOTTA GO
In November 2003, Caterpillar Inc., maker of bulldozers and other heavy equipment, fired an assembly line worker after he failed a company drug test. Tom Smith, 55, suffers from paruresis (also known as “shy bladder syndrome” or “stage fright”). After it took him more than the permitted three hours to produce a urine sample, Caterpillar didn’t even bother to test the sample for drugs. They just fired him. Smith is fighting back—in May 2004, he sued Caterpillar, alleging that the time limit violates the Americans with Disabilities Act. “This is supposed to be a country where losing a job for a disorder like this shouldn’t be a problem,” he states.
PINK POT OF GOLD
Fifteen people hoping to raise money for the American Cancer Society in Whitehouse, Ohio, have come up with a unique way to do it. Every night for more than a month, the fundraisers put a fluorescent pink toilet on a volunteer’s front lawn, along with a big sign that read “Help Flush Out Cancer!” At last report neighbors had deposited more than $800 in the pink pot for cancer research.
KABOOM!
Remember the automated, self-cleaning public restrooms we told you about in Uncle John’s Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader? The city of Stoke-on-Trent in England has six of them...or at least it had six. In February 2004, one of them blew up at 4:00 in the morning. The “superloos,” as they’re known in England, are built like tanks and are virtually indestructible, but the explosion was so powerful that it blew the roof off. (Luckily, no one was inside at the time.) Officials think it was caused by a fault in a high-voltage cable running underneath the restroom. “The toilet just happened to be above it,” city council spokesperson Terry James told reporters.
SAVING NEMO
The Singapore International Fish Show introduced a new attraction in 2004: an adoption program to save unwanted pet fish from the usual fate that awaits them—being flushed into oblivion. Any of the show’s 80,000 visitors who want to get rid of their fish can drop them off at the show’s “orphanage,” where other visitors can adopt them. “It’s more humane than flushing them down the toilet,” says spokesperson Carol Lian.
Bathroom Fact: One in seven adults spends more than 30 minutes a day in the bathroom.
THUMBERS & MODOCKS
Was your grandma gruntled when she was infanticipating? What are we talking about? You’ll have to brush up on your 1930s lingo!
Ackamarackus: Nonsense
Clip joint: A bar that charges outrageously high prices
Ripple: Ice cream with a colorful syrup stirred in, giving it flavor and a rippled appearance
Trafficator: What some 1930s cars had instead of blinkers—“arms” on either side of the car that could be raised when the driver wanted to turn
Thumber: A hitchhiker
That’s one for Ripley: In reference to “Ripley’s Believe it or Not!” cartoons, meaning anything strange or bizarre
Gruntled: Happy. The word was created by dropping the dis- from disgruntled
The Magoo: Sex appeal
Superette: A small supermarket, something about the size of a modern 7-Eleven
Glamour boy: Like a pretty boy, but more masculine
Gaff: A building or house
Pen-friend: What pen-pals used to be called
Infanticipate: Pregnant or expecting; anticipating an infant. (Why didn’t this term survive? One theory: it’s too close to “infanticide.”)
Shy-making: Embarrassing
Sky-shouting: Sky-writers write messages in the sky with trails of smoke; sky-shouters broadcast messages to the ground using loudspeakers
Modock: A man who becomes a military pilot to be glamorous and have sex appeal
Milk bar: Like a regular bar, except that the drinks are made with milk, not alcohol. The milkshake is one of the few such drinks that survives today
Spliff: A marijuana cigarette
Balls-up: Messed up, ruined, confused or disordered
Slim: To lose weight by dieting
Gravel: Sugar
Candy Leg: A rich and popular young man
Melon: A financial windfall
Barnburner: A riotous party
The Ford Motor Company was the first to offer a rebate...$50 on a new Model T.
CRAZY EIGHTS
This page originally explained the meaning of life, but our dog eight it.
VEGETABLES IN V-8 JUICE
Tomatoes, Celery
Carrots, Lettuce
Watercress, Beets
Parsley, Spinach
LONGEST RIVERS IN NORTH AMERICA
Missouri
(2,500 miles)
Mississippi
(2,330 miles)
Rio Grande
(1,885 miles)
Colorado
(1,450 miles)
Yukon
(1,265 miles)
Mackenzie
(1,250 miles)
Columbia
(1,152 miles)
Churchill
(1,000 miles)
U.S. PRESIDENTS FROM VIRGINIA
George Washington
Thomas Jefferson
James Madison
John Tyler
James Monroe
Zachary Taylor
Woodrow Wilson
William H. Harrison
MOVIES WITH “8” IN THE TITLE
8-1/2
BUtterfield 8
8 Million Ways to Die
8 Heads in a Duffel Bag
8 Mile, Eight Men Out
8MM, Jennifer Eight
GR8 MUSICIANS WHO NEVER WON A GRAMMY
The Doors
Diana Ross
Led Zeppelin
/>
Jimi Hendrix
Chuck Berry
Patsy Cline
The Beach Boys
Sam Cooke
DEFUNCT OLYMPIC SPORTS
Tug-of-war, Golf
Rugby, Croquet
Polo, Lacrosse
Power boating
Waterskiing
THE PARTS OF SPEECH
Noun, Verb
Adjective, Adverb
Pronoun, Preposition
Conjunction
Interjection
THE KIDS ON EIGHT IS ENOUGH
Mary
(Lani O’Grady)
Joanie
(Laurie Walters)
Nancy
(Dianne Kay)
Elizabeth
(Connie Needham)
Susan
(Susan Richardson)
David
(Grant Goodeve)
Tommy
(Willie Aames)
Nicholas
(Adam Rich)
THE IVY LEAGUE
Harvard, Brown, Yale
Cornell, Dartmouth
Princeton, Columbia
University of Pennsylvania
MOST POPULAR ICE CREAM FLAVORS
Vanilla
Chocolate
Butter pecan
Strawberry
Neapolitan
Chocolate chip
French vanilla
Cookies and cream
The average cat consumes 28 times its weight in food annually.
MUHAMMAD ALI: POET
Muhammad Ali had a knack for promoting himself and his causes (and taunting his opponents) with verse. Here are some examples.
There are two things
That are hard to hit and see,
That’s a spooky ghost
And Muhammad Ali.
My face is so pretty,
You don’t see a scar,
Which proves I’m the king
Of the ring by far.
I’m a baaad man.
Archie Moore fell in four,
Liston wanted me more,
So since he’s so great,
I’ll make him fall in eight.
I’m a baaad man,
I’m king of the world!
Keep asking me,
no matter how long,
On the war in Vietnam,
I sing this song:
“I ain’t got no quarrel
with them Viet Cong.”
I float like a butterfly,
Sting like a bee...
His hands can’t hit
What his eyes can’t see.
If you ever dream of
beating me,
You better wake up
and apologize.
Stay in college,
Get the knowledge;
Stay there till you are through.
If they can make penicillin
Out of moldy bread,
They sure’ll make
Something out of you.
Joe’s gonna be smokin’
An’ I ain’t even jokin’,
But I’ll be peckin’ and pokin’
And pour water on that
smokin’.
Now this might
Astound and amaze ya,
But I will destroy Joe Frazier.
My opponents are like postage
stamps—always gettin’ licked.
I done wrestled an alligator,
I done tussled with a whale.
Only last week
I murdered a rock,
Injured a stone,
Hospitalized a brick,
I’m so mean
I make medicine sick.
You don’t want no pie
In the sky when you die,
You want something
Here on the ground
While you’re still around.
Hi, Mom!
McLEANED
In Uncle John’s Ultimate Bathroom Reader, we told you about how the producers of M*A*S*H were so mad that McLean Stevenson was leaving the show that they killed off his character, shocking the cast and audience. The incident spawned a TV industry term: when an actor leaves a show and their character dies, they’ve been “McLeaned.”
McLeaned: Rosalind Shays (Diana Muldaur)
Show: L.A. Law
Deadly Plot: Muldaur played cold-hearted, ruthless lawyer Rosalind Shays from 1989 to 1991 on the NBC legal show. Rosalind manipulated her way to controlling the show’s law firm, sued her (fictional) co-workers, and was despised by audiences. Writers hated her too—the character was so harsh, she was ruining the show. Their solution: kill her. Rosalind died suddenly—elevator doors opened and she walked in, then plunged to her death down the empty shaft, horrifying and delighting viewers. The title of the episode: “Good to the Last Drop.”
McLeaned: Maude Flanders (voice of Maggie Roswell)
Show: The Simpsons
Deadly Plot: Roswell had voiced countless minor characters, but her biggest was nosy, righteous Maude Flanders. After 10 seasons, Roswell asked for a raise from the $2,000 she earned per episode. (The main cast was pulling down over $100,000.) On top of that, Roswell was flying to Los Angeles from her Denver home at her own expense to record her scenes. Producers turned her down, so Roswell walked. Producers found a way to get back at her—they killed Maude. She tumbled over the grandstands at an auto race after being hit by a T-shirt fired from a cannon.
Afterlife: Roswell’s other characters were subsequently voiced by another actor, Marcia Mitzman Gaven. The new voice proved too jarring, so after three years Roswell was asked back to the show with a significant pay raise. (Maude remained dead, however.)
McLeaned: Valerie Hogan (Valerie Harper)
Show: Valerie
In the 1950s, the dog that played Lassie made $5,000 a week.
Deadly Plot: Harper starred as a wisecracking but tender mother of three on this 1980s sitcom. But in 1987, the beginning of the show’s third season, Harper demanded creative control and double her salary. Lorimar, the production company, refused, so Harper didn’t show up for work. (The tactic had been successful when she had asked for a raise on Rhoda in 1975.) Lorimar ultimately gave in, but when Harper returned to the set, she lashed out at co-stars and producers, accusing them of trying to upstage her with her popular teen co-star Jason Bateman. Harper permanently left the show one week later. She says she was fired; Lorimar says she quit. To end the squabbling, her character was killed off in a car crash and replaced with Sandy Duncan. The show went on for another four seasons, first as Valerie’s Family, and then as The Hogan Family.
McLeaned: Bobby Ewing (Patrick Duffy)
Show: Dallas
Deadly Plot: Duffy left Dallas in 1985 to pursue a movie career. Producers felt slighted so they killed off his character, Bobby, possibly the only nice guy on the show, by having him get run over by a car after saving his wife Pam from a hit-and-run driver. Duffy’s movie career didn’t pan out, and when millions of viewers abandoned Dallas with nobody to root for, the producers swallowed their pride and asked Duffy to return a year later. But how do you bring back a dead character? At the beginning of the 1986–87 season, Pam Ewing awakes, hears water running, and finds Bobby in the shower. It seems she had only dreamed Bobby had died, and as a result, had also dreamed the entire previous season of the show.
McLeaned: James Evans (John Amos)
Show: Good Times
Deadly Plot: In 1975 Amos became mired in a contract dispute with the producers of Good Times. The argument was primarily about money, but Amos and co-star Esther Rolle complained about the quality of the show and its writers in Ebony magazine. Livid about the comments, producers released Amos from his contract in 1976. And to prevent him from returning, his character was killed in a car accident.
Rerun: Twenty-eight years later, Amos would be unceremoniously removed from another TV series when his character Admiral Percy Fitzwallace died on The West Wing.
At three weeks, a h
uman fetus is about the size of a sesame seed.
ONE EGG POP, PLEASE
Back in colonial days, folks used to mix some mighty peculiar drinks. Here are a few favorites from the 17th and 18th centuries.
•SACK POSSET: Made by mixing clots of curdled milk into ale or wine
•EGG POP (or Egg Hot): Eggs, brandy, sugar, and ale
•ALEBERRY: Ale boiled with sugar, spices, and sops of old bread
•METHEGLIN: Spiced or medicated mead (fermented honey and water)
•MIMBO: Rum mixed with water and sugar
•FLIP: Mix strong beer with molasses and rum, then take a red hot poker from the fire and thrust it into the mixture to give the flip its characteristic bitter, burnt flavor
•BELLOWSTOP: A variation of the flip made with eggs
•LORD MAY’S FLIP: Like a regular flip, except you add a two-day-old mixture of sugar, eggs and cream to the beer and rum (leave out the molasses) and then heat it with the hot poker
•CALIBOGUS: A straight mix of rum and beer
•BLACK SAP: Cold rum and molasses, shipped in barrels and sold at general stores throughout the colonies
•EBULUM: A cider-based punch flavored with juniper and elderberries
•SWITCHEL: Molasses and water seasoned with sugar, vinegar, and ginger
•COCK ALE: A mixture of chicken soup and beer
•MUMM: A flat ale brewed from oats and wheat malt
•WHISTLEBELLY VENGEANCE: A specialty of Salem, Mass., taverns. Old sour beer, boiled with molasses and rye bread and served hot
•MARTHA WASHINGTON’S RUM PUNCH: (Taken from her journals) 3 oz. white rum, 3 oz. dark rum, 3 oz. orange curaçao, 4 oz. simple syrup, 4 oz. lemon juice, 4 oz. fresh orange juice, 3 lemons (quartered), 1 orange (quartered), 1/2 tsp. ground nutmeg, 3 cinnamon sticks (broken), 6 cloves, and 12 oz. boiling water (Yum!)
Q: Name the only three English words that end in “ceed.” A: Succeed, proceed, and exceed.
IT WORKED...TOO WELL!
The old saying “the best-laid schemes of mice and men often go awry” comes from a line by Scottish poet Robert Burns. It means that no matter how well a project is planned, something may still go wrong. In the case of these plans, what went wrong was...they worked.
Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Page 21
