First female passenger on a trans-Atlantic flight: Amelia Earhart.
GETTING THE LAST WORD
These lines were taken from the actual wills of some pretty frustrated, but creative (and slightly looney) people.
DAVID DAVIS (1788): “I give and bequeath to Mary Davis the sum of five shillings, which is sufficient to enable her to get drunk for the last time at my expense; and I give the like sum to Charles Peter, the son of Mary, whom I am reputed to be the father of, but never had or ever shall have any reason to believe.”
•JOHN AYLETT (1781): “I hereby direct my executor to lay out five guineas in purchase of a picture of the viper biting the benevolent hand of the person who saved him from perishing in the snow. This I direct to be presented to him in lieu of a legacy of 3,000 pounds which I had, by a former will, now revoked and burnt, left him.”
•HENRY, EARL OF STAFFORD (England, 1719): “I give to the worst of women, who is guilty of all ills, the daughter of Mr. Gramont, a Frenchman, who I have unfortunately married, five and forty brass halfpence, which will buy her a pullet for her supper, a greater sum than her father can make her; for I have known when he had neither money or credit for such a purchase, he being the worst of men, and his wife the worst of women, in all debaucheries. Had I known their character, I would have never married their daughter, nor made myself unhappy.”
•GARVEY B. WHITE (1908): “Before anything else is done 50 cents is to be paid to my son-in-law to enable him to buy for himself a good stout rope with which to hang himself, and thus rid mankind of one of the most infamous scoundrels that ever roamed this broad land or dwelt outside of a penitentiary.”
•ELIZABETH ORBY HUNTER (1813): “I give and bequeath to my beloved parrot, the faithful companion of twenty-five years, an annuity for its life, of 200 guineas a year, to be paid half yearly, as long as this beloved parrot lives, to whoever may have the care of it; and if the person who shall have the care of it should substitute any other parrot in its place either during its life or after its death, it is my will and desire that the persons doing so shall be refused by my heirs the sum or sums they may have received from the time they did so; and I empower my heirs and executors to recover said sum from whoever would be base enough to do so.”
At the end of the Civil War, 33% of the circulating U.S. paper currency was counterfeit.
•PHILIP, FIFTH EARL OF PEMBROKE (England, 1700s): “I give nothing to my Lord Saye, and I make him this legacy willingly, because I know that he will faithfully distribute it to the poor. I give to the Lieutenant-General Cromwell one of my words which he must want, seeing that he hath never kept any of his own.”
•CAPTAIN PHILIP THICKNESSE (England, 1793): His will instructed that “my right hand to be cut off after my death and given to my son Lord Audley and I desire it may be sent to him in hopes that such a sight may remind him of his duty to God after having so long abandoned the Duty he owed to a father who once affectionately loved him.”
•FRANCIS H. LORD (Australia, date unknown): To his wife: “one shilling for tram fare so she can go somewhere and drown herself.”
•JOSEPH DALBY, (England, 1784): “I give to my daughter Ann Spencer, a guinea for a ring, or any other bauble she may like better. I give to the lout, her husband, one penny, to buy him a lark-whistle; I also give to her said husband of redoubtable memory, my fart-hole, for a covering for his lark-whistle, to prevent the abrasion of his lips; and this legacy I give him as a mark of my approbation of his prowess and nice honour, in drawing his sword on me, (at my own table), unarmed as I was, and he well fortified with custard.”
•WILLIAM RUFFELL (1803):
“To employ an attorney I ne’er was inclined.
They are pests to society, sharks of mankind.
To avoid that base tribe, my own will I now draw,
May I ever escape coming under their paw.”
Cats have been known to try to seduce dogs. (Few succeed.)
STATUE RATS
They’re called “flying carp,” “winged weasels,” “scum of the sky,” “park lice,” and “winged infestation.” Lawyers? No, pigeons. They don’t get much respect, but maybe they should. There’s more to them than you might think.
•Pigeons were first domesticated by the ancient Egyptians more than 5,000 years ago.
•Pigeons can see clearly for 25 miles and hear wind changes hundreds of miles away.
•Homing pigeons were used in both world wars to carry messages between troops and headquarters. They had a 98% success rate in missions flown.
•Pigeons mate for life and share parenting duties. The father sits on the eggs during the day, the mother at night.
•Pigeons are the only birds that don’t have to lift their heads to swallow water.
•In the 17th century, pigeon droppings were used to tan hides and to make gunpowder.
•Passenger pigeons were once the most numerous birds in the world. Ornithologist John J. Audubon recorded seeing a single flock in 1808 that he calculated to be 150 miles long, numbering over two billion birds. By 1914 hunting and deforestation had led to the total extinction of the birds.
•Ever seen a baby pigeon? You probably have: young pigeons grow extremely fast. They may weigh more than their parents by the time they’re only four to six weeks.
•In the late 1800s, a homing pigeon was released in Africa. Fifty-five days later it made it home—to England. It had flown more than 7,000 miles.
•Racing pigeons have been clocked at 110 mph.
•Only mammals produce milk, right? Wrong. Pigeons make “pigeon milk.” It’s a specially produced, extremely nutritious secretion from the “crop,” a chamber at the bottom of the esophagus. Both parents make it and feed their young with it.
•Racing pigeons are bred for speed. In 1992 champion racer Invincible Spirit was sold for over $130,000.
•Why do pigeons live in cities? One theory: They are descended from rock doves, cliff dwellers that live near the Mediterranean. Urban structures mimic those ancestral cliffs.
In the 1600s, thermometers were often filled with brandy instead of mercury.
RANDOM ORIGINS
Once again, the BRI asks—and answers—the question: “Where did all this stuff come from?”
CELL PHONES
AT&T first tested mobile phones for use in Swedish police cars in 1946. To develop the technology in the United States, they needed approval from the FCC—which controls the radio waves. The FCC didn’t think mobile phones would work and repeatedly turned down AT&T. They finally agreed to change their minds in 1968, but only if AT&T could prove that their technology worked. AT&T’s plan: offer phone service via many low-powered broadcast towers, each covering a “cell” of a few miles. As the car phone user traveled, calls passed from tower to tower uninterrupted.
Meanwhile, rival Motorola had secretly developed their own mobile phone, only theirs was a handheld model. (AT&T had concentrated on car phones.) In 1973 one of Motorola’s engineers, Dr. Martin Cooper, used a prototype to make the first cell phone call—to AT&T, to gloat.
But AT&T was the first to get FCC approval, and had a trial cellular network set up in Chicago by 1978. (Motorola had one by 1981 in Washington, D.C.) The FCC authorized nationwide commercial cellular service in 1982 and just five years later there were over one million cell phone users in the United States.
SEAT BELTS
Safety belts predate cars. They were originally designed as devices to secure workmen and window-washers to their equipment when scaling tall buildings. Although they first appeared in cars in the 1920s, it wasn’t until the 1950s that seat belts were offered—and even then only as options—by most car manufacturers. In those days seat belts were like belts on pants: the strap went around your waist and buckled in the center of the abdomen just like a belt buckle. This design was far from perfect: the buckle itself could cause severe abdominal injuries in a crash, and since there wasn’t any shoulder strap, the upper body was unrestrained. Head,
spinal, and internal injuries were common in serious crashes.
A typical gold brick weighs 27 pounds.
In the 1950s, Volvo experimented with a diagonal seat belt that went across the passenger’s chest, but this presented new problems: in a crash the passenger’s body tended to “submarine” or slip under the belt, at which point the passenger’s neck could catch on the belt, causing severe neck lacerations or even decapitation.
In 1958 a Volvo safety engineer named Nils Bohlin hit on the idea of combining both types of belts—the lap belt and the diagonal shoulder belt—and moving the buckle from the center over to the side. The modern “three-point” seat belt, so called because it is anchored to the car frame on either side of the passenger’s waist and over their shoulder, was born. It became standard equipment on all Volvos (front seats only) beginning in 1963; by 1968 all cars sold in the United States were required to have them. Since then they’ve reduced automobile fatalities by an estimated 75% and have saved more than a million lives.
RESTAURANTS
The oldest ancestor of the restaurant is the tavern, which dates back to the Middle Ages. Typically taverns served one meal at a fixed hour each day, usually consisting of only one dish. According to French food historians, it wasn’t until 1765 that someone came up with the idea of giving customers a choice of things to eat. A Parisian soup vendor named Monsieur Boulanger is said to have offered his customers poultry, eggs, and other dishes, but it was his soups, also known as “restoratives” or restaurants in French, that gave this new type of eatery its name.
THE NICOTINE PATCH
In 1979 Dr. Frank Etscorn, a psychologist studying addictive substances, was experimenting with liquid nicotine when he accidentally spilled some of it on his arm. A little while later he felt the telltale effects of a nicotine buzz. Nicotine is the most addictive drug in tobacco, but its health risks are far lower than that of the tars and carbon monoxide ingested from smoking. Etscorn’s nicotine buzz gave him the idea that people trying to quit smoking could be given, through the skin, gradually decreasing doses of nicotine as they tried to quit smoking. The first nicotine patches hit drugstore shelves in 1992.
Albert Einstein never learned to drive.
TAXI DRIVER, STARRING NEIL DIAMOND
Some roles are so closely associated with a specific actor that it’s hard to imagine he or she wasn’t the first choice. But it happens all the time. Can you imagine, for example...
KEVIN KLINE AS BATMAN (Batman—1989) Many fans were puzzled when Michael Keaton was cast as Batman, but it could have been stranger: Kline was the first choice. Lacking confidence in his action-star abilities, Kline passed on the role and made A Fish Called Wanda instead, for which he won an Academy Award. Other actors offered the role of Batman: Alec Baldwin, Charlie Sheen, Pierce Brosnan, Mel Gibson, Bill Murray, and Tom Hanks.
WILL SMITH AS NEO (The Matrix—1999) After Independence Day and Men in Black, Smith was Hollywood’s biggest action star. He was offered the lead role in a new action-adventure series called The Matrix, but turned it down. Why? Smith didn’t want to be involved in an obscure, dense, low-budget science-fiction mess. Instead, he chose to make Wild Wild West, which bombed.
GWYNETH PALTROW AS ROLLERGIRL (Boogie Nights—1997) Director Paul Thomas Anderson liked Paltrow’s performance in his first film, Hard Eight, so much that he considered her for the part of Rollergirl in Boogie Nights, a movie about the 1970s adult film industry. Paltrow was still relatively unknown and was picking her roles with care. She turned Boogie Nights down because of the sex scenes and nudity. Heather Graham got the part.
NEIL DIAMOND AS TRAVIS BICKLE (Taxi Driver—1976) When Brian De Palma planned to direct the film, he almost cast Diamond, at that time a very successful singer. Producers thought Taxi Driver would be an ideal debut for Diamond. His dismal screen test proved otherwise. De Palma dropped out and was replaced by Martin Scorcese who chose Robert De Niro to star.
The Lone Ranger was the first TV show ever to be shown in reruns.
ERIC STOLTZ AS MARTY MCFLY (Back to the Future—1985) Michael J. Fox was the first choice to play Marty McFly, but he said he was too busy filming the TV series Family Ties, so the producers cast Eric Stoltz (Mask, Some Kind of Wonderful). When Fox had a change of heart, they fired Stoltz even though they’d already filmed several scenes.
MEG RYAN AS VIVIAN (Pretty Woman—1990) Ryan was the queen of romantic comedy in the late 1980s, and the first choice for Pretty Woman. But producers didn’t think audiences would find her believable in the role of a prostitute, so they went with a relatively unknown actress instead. The role made Julia Roberts a superstar. (1980s teen movie star Molly Ringwald was also considered.)
WARREN BEATTY AS BILL (Kill Bill—2003/2004) Quentin Tarantino wrote the Bill character with Warren Beatty in mind, but when discussing the character with Beatty, Tarantino repeatedly insisted he play the part “more like David Carradine.” Beatty finally suggested that Tarantino just cast David Carradine. After nearly going with Kevin Costner, Tarantino took Beatty’s advice and hired Carradine.
BILL MURRAY AS FORREST GUMP (Forrest Gump—1994) Murray was strongly considered for the role, but lost it to Tom Hanks, whose work in Philadelphia proved he was capable of drama. Murray, on the other hand, was still considered a comic actor.
ROD STEWART AS THE PINBALL WIZARD (Tommy—1975) Stewart declined the chance to appear in the film version of The Who’s rock opera. Why? His friend Elton John convinced him he’d look ridiculous in the garish costumes and psychedelic musical numbers. Plus, said John, the movie was sure to bomb and would ruin Stewart’s career. So who ended up playing the Pinball Wizard? Elton John. He’d wanted the role all along and purposely talked Stewart, the producers’ first choice, out of taking it.
As a student, Nancy Reagan had a part in her high school’s production of First Lady.
AMAZING ANAGRAMS
We’re back with another installment of anagrams—words or phrases whose letters are rearranged to form new words or phrases. We don’t know who writes these things, but we love ’em.
THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION becomes... UNITE TO REVILE A MONARCH
JAY LENO becomes... ENJOY L.A.
THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA becomes... WHAT A FOREIGN STONE PILE
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN becomes...BURSTING PRESENCE
EXCLAMATION! becomes... NOTE: A CLIMAX
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA becomes...COLD POPCORN AFFAIRS
MUSIC TELEVISION becomes... SIT, VOLUME IS NICE
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE becomes...I’LL MAKE A WISE PHRASE
LOVE IS BLIND becomes... BLOND IS EVIL
ALIEN ABDUCTIONS becomes... TABLOID NUISANCE
A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY becomes... TESTIMONY INDICATES A FAKE
HELLO KITTY becomes... KILL THE TOY
MEDIOCRITY becomes... ME CRY “IDIOT”
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA becomes... THE DREAM: FINE CAUSE—TOAST IT.
BETTE MIDLER becomes... DIET? TREMBLE!
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEG GER, THE GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA becomes... AFTER RECALL, SIGH, AN OVER GROWN NERD IN CHARGE OF ZOO
ADIOS, AMIGOS becomes... I GO, SO I AM SAD
60% of women and 49% of men receive at least 11 e-mails per day.
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
Our next installment of the history of (almost) everything that ever happened. (Part I is on page 110.)
PART II: FROM MOSES TO CLEOPATRA
•1479 B.C. Egypt conquers modern-day Israel and Syria, and becomes an empire.
•1300 B.C. Moses leads the Jewish slaves from Egypt. The Ten Commandments are codified. The Hittites (in Turkey) develop iron smelting, improving tools and weaponry—the Near Eastern Iron Age begins.
•1235 B.C. Athens is founded.
•1200 B.C. The Olmecs in southern Mexico now have a calendar, hieroglyphic writing, and the first urban centers in the Americas. The culture will disappear by 400 B.C., but they are believed to be precursors of the Mayan and Aztec cultures.
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•1100 B.C. The first books of the Bible are written. The Zhou dynasty begins in China. It will last almost 900 years and become one of the most advanced civilizations on Earth, making huge advances in metallurgy, mathematics, astronomy, medicine, art, and architecture. Iron smelting begins in Mesopotamia.
•1000 B.C. King David rules Israel; his son, King Solomon, will soon begin work on the Great Temple of Jerusalem. The first Latin tribes settle in central Italy. The Bantu people of western Africa begin the Bantu Migrations, spreading agriculture over much of sub-Saharan Africa. World population: about 50 million.
•814 B.C. Phoenicians establish the city of Carthage on the northwest African coast (Tunisia). For 400 years, it will be the primary trade center for the Mediterranean.
•776 B.C. The first Olympic Games are held in Greece.
1999 survey: Of 25,500 standard English words, 93% have been registered as dot-coms.
•753 B.C. Traditional date for the founding of Rome; approximate time of the writing of the Iliad and the Odyssey by Homer in Greece.
•700 B.C. The Nubians (black Africans from northern Sudan) conquer Egypt; their leaders become pharaohs. Led by King Sargon II, the Assyrian Empire conquers Israel and expels the Jewish people, the basis of the legendary lost tribes of Israel. Musical notation is first used in India.
•660 B.C. Jimmu establishes the first Japanese empire. Greeks use standardized coins, initiating the idea of government-sanctioned money to be used in trade.
•600 B.C. The next century will see the start of several of the world’s great social and religious philosophies: Zoroastrianism is founded by Zoroaster in Persia (it is the first monotheistic religion to define the concepts of good and evil); Taoism is founded by Lao Tzu in China; Buddhism is founded in India by a former prince, Siddhartha Gautama; Confucius begins teaching the value of education and citizenry in China; and the world’s first democratic constitution is established in Athens.
Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Page 25
