WRONG SONG: During the 2002 soccer season the Italian national team was criticized because their players didn’t sing along when their national anthem was played. The coach took the criticism to heart and insisted his players learn the song, “Fratelli d’Italia” (“Hymn of Mameli”), and practice singing it. But the players were insulted by the criticism and announced that they would protest at the World Cup...by not singing the anthem. And they didn’t. (In reporting the incident, European newspapers pointed out that many Italians admitted to disliking the song, which ends with the words “We are ready for death!”)
HALF-WITS AT HALFTIME
During the halftime of a high school football game in Dallas, the marching band from Paris, Texas, put on a show entitled “Visions of World War II.” Part of the performance featured a student displaying a large flag with a gigantic swastika on it. At the same time the band broke into “Das Deutschland Lied,” better known as “Deutschland Uber Alles” (“Germany Above All”), the national anthem of Nazi Germany during WWII. It could not have been worse timing: it was Rosh Hashanah, the first day of the Jewish New Year. The stunned crowd booed, yelled, and even threw things at the performers. Band director Charles Grissom apologized for the incident, saying that he was just trying to be historically accurate. But the performance was, he conceded, “an error in judgment.”
Check it out: U.S. paper currency is fluorescent under UV light.
WORD ORIGINS
More interesting origins of everyday words.
MASCARA
Meaning: A cosmetic applied to darken the eyelashes
Origin: “Anyone applying this substance to eyelashes to thicken them for an evening may not enjoy the etymology that, through Spanish mascara and Italian maschera, for ‘mask,’ returns them to Arabic maskharah, for ‘buffoon’ or ‘clown.’” (From The Secret Lives of Words, by Paul West)
UMPIRE
Meaning: Person appointed to rule on plays, especially in baseball
Origin: “From the French noumpere, which meant the same: ‘one who decides disputes between parties.’ Around the 15th century, people began to transfer the n in the word to the article: ‘a noumpere,’ becoming ‘an oumpere,’ and finally ‘an umpire.’ (It’s the same way ‘a napron’ became ‘an apron,’ and ‘an ewt’ became ‘a newt’).” (From Grand Slams, Hat Tricks & Alley-oops, by Robert Hendrickson)
SHERIFF
Meaning: An elected official responsible for keeping the peace
Origin: “In Anglo-Saxon England, the sheriff was the king’s chief representative in each county. The Old English form was scirgerefa, a compound of scir (“shire”) and gerefa, (“officer,” ancestor of the word reeve). Like many ancient titles, the meaning has changed. Today an English sheriff has chiefly ceremional duties, such as presiding over elections; a Scottish sheriff is a judge; and an American sheriff is a law enforcement officer.” (From Word Mysteries & Histories, by The American Heritage Dictionary)
LIEUTENANT
Meaning: A military rank
Origin: “From two French words, lieu, (meaning ‘place’) and tenant, (meaning ‘holding’)—an officer of lower grade who takes the place of a captain. The English pronunciation of lieutenant as ‘leftenant’ is due to an early printing confusion of ‘u’ with ‘v’ which later became an ‘f.’” (From More About Words, by Margaret S. Ernst)
The United Parcel Service (UPS) was started by two teenagers.
SOY YA LATER
Soy you thought soybeans were for just for health food nuts....
SACRED GRAIN
Soybeans were first cultivated 5,000 years ago in Asia. The ancient Chinese considered them one of the five sacred grains needed to sustain life (rice, wheat, barley, and millet are the others).
In 1765 a sailor named Samuel Bowen came back from China with a sack of soybean seeds. He gave them to Henry Yonge, the surveyor-general of Georgia, who planted them with phenomenal success, reaping three crops in a single growing season. Bowen harvested the beans and invented a process for making soy noodles. King George III awarded Bowen a patent and a medal from the Society of Arts, Manufacturers, and Commerce. Alas, when Bowen died in 1777, most Western interest in the soybean died with him.
A SACK OF SEEDS
Then, in 1851 a Japanese junk foundered off the coast of Japan, and a ship called the Auckland, bound for San Francisco, rescued the stranded sailors. But California port authorities wouldn’t allow the Japanese sailors off the ship for fear they would spread disease. By coincidence, Dr. Benjamin Edwards was in the area waiting for a ship to take him back to his home in Illinois. He examined the Japanese sailors and pronounced them healthy, and they gave him a thank-you gift: a package of soybeans. Edwards took the beans to Illinois and gave them to a local horticulturist named John Lea, who planted them. They grew so well that Lea began passing seeds to other people, who in turn grew them and passed the seeds along to others.
It wasn’t long before American ranchers learned the value of soybeans. Livestock thrived on nearly all parts of the soybean plant. And by the late 1890s, Western scientists began to make new discoveries. They found that soybean plants actually improve the quality of the soil they grow in by taking nitrogen from the atmosphere and converting it into a form that enriches dirt. All plants need nitrogen to grow, but few plants can get it from the air.
The average dream lasts about 20 minutes.
Researchers for automobile giant Henry Ford found ways to turn the soybean into paint, plastics, and fabric. Ford also had his chef, Jan Willemse, use them in as many dishes as possible, and many of Willemse’s recipes were showcased at the 1934 World’s Fair. Health guru John Kellogg promoted the use of soybeans at his spa in Battle Creek, Michigan. People began to think of soybeans as more than just livestock feed.
By 1938 the United States was exporting soy meal to other countries. When World War II began, production soared; soybeans fed millions of starving refugees. Soybean oil replaced imported fats and oils needed to make glycerin, which was used as a solvent and lubricant. Soybean meal increased animal production and soy protein was used as a meat extender.
THE ORIGIN OF SOY SAUCE
Centuries ago in Japan, people salted meat and fish to preserve it. Any liquid that seeped out of the fish and collected in the bottom of the barrel was used in soups and seasonings. Molds often covered this aging food, and when the liquid lay in the bottom of the barrel all winter, it fermented.
This fermented fish sauce became very popular in ancient Asia. When Buddhism became widespread, however, vegetarianism became the norm and fermented fish sauce was forbidden. In 1254 A.D., a Zen monk discovered how to make a similar sauce out of fermented soybeans, and it remains one of the world’s most popular condiments.
SOYBEANS TODAY
•In 1924 the United States produced five million bushels of soybeans. Today it’s up to 2.6 billion per year, making soybeans the nation’s third biggest crop (following corn and wheat).
•Soybeans are now grown on more than 73 million acres—an area about the size of Arizona.
•The United States grows more soybeans than any other nation—half the world’s supply. Soybeans are the nation’s single biggest source of vegetable oil.
•Soybeans contain 40% protein, compared to only 18% protein in beef. Two pounds of soy flour contains about the same amount of protein as five pounds of meat.
Shellfish lover: An oyster may change its gender multiple times in its life.
•Soybeans contain seven of the eight amino acids essential for human health, but soybean oil has the lowest levels of saturated fats of any vegetable oil.
•According to the FDA, “25 grams of soy protein a day, as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol, may reduce the risk of heart disease.”
•In addition to being used to make foods such as tofu, soy milk, and soy-based ice cream, soy beans are also used to make hundreds of consumer and industrial products, including car wax, chain oil, cleaning solvents, fuel additives, hydraulic oils
, grease, motor oil, paint strippers, spray foam insulation, dust suppressants, ink, crayons, odor reducers, nail polish remover, hand lotion, hand cleaners, lawn fertilizer, candles, graffiti remover, fire extinguishers, bug sprays, disinfectants, soap, varnish, explosives, and more.
•Economically speaking, it’s the most important bean in the world. U.S. Treasury Secretary George Shultz once joked that America might have to switch from the gold standard to the soybean standard.
VIRTUAL FOLDING
Conventional wisdom says that it’s physically impossible to fold a piece of paper in half more than seven times. However, according to The Economist magazine, if you were able to keep folding it (and doubling its thickness), math principles theorize that the concentrated piece of paper would grow to astronomic heights:
•10 folds Width of a hand
•12 folds Height of a stool
•14 folds Average adult height
•20 folds Quarter of the Sears Tower
•25 folds Height of the Matterhorn
•30 folds Outer atmosphere of Earth
•50 folds Distance to sun
•70 folds 11 light years from Earth
•100 folds Radius of the known universe
According to one study, a toilet has 49 germs per square inch. A desktop has 20,961.
PUNDITSPEAK
Pundits are an odd breed. They’re part journalist, part politician, and part town crier. And they’re paid very well to spout their opinions.
“The American political system is like fast food: mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things—and everybody wants some.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he’ll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.”
—David Broder
“America is the only country in the world that’s still in the business of making bombs that can end the world and TV shows that make it seem like a good idea.”
—Bill Maher
“Instead of just being dazzled by these corporate mega-mergers, there should be a nagging voice in all of us asking: Is democracy going to be bought up too?”
—Thomas Friedman
“If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.”
—Rush Limbaugh
“Having the right to do something does not mean that doing it is right.”
—William Safire
“Any nation that can survive what we have lately in the way of government is on the high road to permanent glory.”
—Molly Ivins
“A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.”
—G. Gordon Liddy
“The harder you try to suppress the truth, the more inevitable it is that it will find a way to come out.”
—Arianna Huffington
“Creative semantics is the key to contemporary government; it consists of talking in strange tongues lest the public learn the inevitable inconveniently early.”
—George Will
“Put a federal agency in charge of the Sahara Desert and it would run out of sand.”
—Peggy Noonan
The only reptile capable of making loud vocalizations is the alligator.
THE COST OF WAR (MOVIES)
In his book Operation Hollywood, David Robb writes about dozens of films and TV shows that have been through the government screening process. Here’s a behind-the-scenes peek at how the Pentagon shapes Hollywood.
SEAL OF APPROVAL
If you’re trying to make a military-themed movie on a budget, you’ll probably want to enlist the aid of the military, which can supply ships, planes, tanks, and even soldiers for little or no cost. But Pentagon support comes with strings attached. The U.S. military actually has a “film liaison office” that reads scripts and decides whether or not they want to participate. Often, support is conditional—they’ll support the film if the script is changed to put the military in a positive light. Filmmakers are highly motivated to cooperate: they can save tens of millions of dollars if they do. Here are a few examples of movies that did—or didn’t—go along with the Pentagon.
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997), starring Pierce Brosnan
Story Line: James Bond battles a media mogul who wants to drive up ratings by starting World War III.
Status: Cooperation approved—but only after producers agreed to remove a line from a scene where Brosnan is about to parachute into the waters off the coast of Vietnam: A CIA agent (played by Joe Don Baker) warns Bond not to get caught: “You know what will happen. It’ll be war, and maybe this time we’ll win.”
Crimson Tide (1995), starring Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington
Story Line: When rebels take over a Russian nuclear missile installation, the submarine commanded by Hackman receives an order to launch a nuclear missile against them before the rebels can launch one against the United States. As the submarine is preparing to launch, it’s attacked by a Russian submarine, which prevents the sub from receiving a second message that may (or may not) rescind the launch order. Hackman decides to launch anyway, prompting Washington’s character to lead the mutiny.
Q: What do Alaska, Washington, California, and Hawaii have in common? A: Active volcanoes.
Status: Cooperation denied. The Navy objected to both the mutiny and the idea that a submarine could launch a missile in error (even though it actually can).
Black Hawk Down (2001), starring Ewan McGregor
Story Line: A Black Hawk helicopter is shot down over Mogadishu, Somalia, and the crew has to fight to survive.
Status: Cooperation approved. But the Pentagon did insist on one important change: the name of McGregor’s character, a real-life Army Ranger named John Stebbins, couldn’t be used in the film. Stebbins was one of the heroes of the battle of Mogadishu and won a Silver Star, but by the time the script was submitted for approval, he had been court-martialed for molesting a 12-year-old boy. The military didn’t want anything to do with him, so McGregor’s character was renamed Danny Grimes.
Stripes (1981), starring Bill Murray and Harold Ramis
Story Line: Two screwballs join the army and eventually become heroes.
Status: Cooperation approved. Believe it or not, the military thought Stripes would make a good recruiting film. They did, however insist that all references to drug use, sexism, and jokes about “raping and pillaging” be removed. The misfit platoon’s drill sergeant had to be “toned down” to make him less sadistic, too. The producers complied, and in return received permission to film at Fort Knox, Kentucky. And just as the Pentagon predicted, Army recruiting went up after Stripes hit theaters.
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986), starring William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy
Story Line: Captain Kirk and company travel back in time to the 1980s to capture a pair of humpback whales and bring them to the future so that they can save the world. But their spaceship is severely weakened by traveling through time. So Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) and Chekov (Walter Koenig) have to sneak onto the USS Enterprise, a nuclear aircraft carrier, to “siphon” off some nuclear power that they can use to recharge the spaceship.
The two largest military budgets in 2003: United States ($334 billion) and Russia ($60 billion).
Status: Cooperation approved, but the USS Enterprise scene had to be changed. In the original script, the spaceship is so drained of energy that the transporters don’t work, and Uhura and Chekov must sneak past military security to board the ship. The Navy objected to the idea that intruders could outwit military security, so producers rewrote it: the transporters have enough power to beam the two onto the carrier, but not enough to get them off again.
Broken Arrow (1996), starring John Travolta and Christian Slater
Story Line: An Air Force pilot (Travolta) steals a nuclear weapon, and another pilot (Slater) has to stop
him.
Status: Cooperation denied. The military rejected the idea that one of its officers would or could steal a nuclear bomb, or that they could detonate one if they did steal it. Still, the military did manage to wrest one concession from filmmakers: Travolta, the villain, removes his military flight suit after he steals the bomb, visually lessening his ties to the military. Slater, the hero, leaves his on.
Mars Attacks (1996), starring Jack Nicholson
Story Line: Earth is invaded by aliens from Mars. The invasion fails when a grandmother and her grandson discover that the Martians’ heads explode when they listen to a recording of the Slim Whitman song “Indian Love Call.”
Status: Cooperation denied. According to David Robb, the Pentagon didn’t like the idea that the military was “less effective at combating alien invaders than Slim Whitman.”
The Perfect Storm (2000), starring George Clooney
Story Line: A fishing boat gets caught in one of the biggest storms ever to hit the North Atlantic. The film is based on a true story.
Status: Cooperation denied at first, then approved. In the script, as in real life, the Coast Guard is the branch of the service that rescues fishing boats. But the Coast Guard declined to participate because they thought the script was inaccurate. When the Air Force agreed to help, producers rewrote the scene so that the Air National Guard, not the Coast Guard, attempts the rescue.
In the original draft of Star Trek, the Enterprise was called the U.S.S. Yorktown.
I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
Uncle John presents these true stories of extreme overreactions to serve as a reminder: Always keep your cool.
THE ANNOYED: George Furedi
SITUATION: A local church’s public address system was keeping Furedi awake at night.
FREAK-OUT: Furedi drove his SUV to the church and slammed into the front of it. He was arrested a short time later for malicious mischief, driving while intoxicated, and numerous hit-and-run charges (he rammed into several cars on his way to greet parishioners). How did the cops find Furedi? They ran a check on his license plate. (He left his truck wedged in the church doors.)
Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Page 41
