THE TRUTH: Glucuronolactone is a naturally occurring carbohydrate, not an artificial stimulant. Every other claim in the e-mail is false, too. Red Bull is threatening to sue the person who started the rumor...if they ever track him down. And no, Red Bull does not contain the private parts of bulls. But is Red Bull fighting that rumor? Not a chance. It’s “one of our favorite rumors,” says company spokesperson Emmy Cortes. “It’s kind of fun.”
RUMOR: Evian is naive spelled backward—it’s a backhanded slap at people who waste money on bottled water.
BACKGROUND: Well...Evian really is naive spelled backward, isn’t it?
THE TRUTH: It’s just a coincidence. Evian is bottled at a spring in the town of Evian-les-Bains in the French Alps near Lake Geneva. And it’s nothing new, either—Evian’s waters have been bottled and sold since 1826.
RUMOR: French wine contains ox blood.
BACKGROUND: When France opposed the U.S. invasion of Iraq in early 2003, some U.S. politicians started looking for ways to retaliate. House Speaker Dennis Hastert proposed putting “bright orange warning labels” on French wine bottles to warn consumers that they might contain ox blood. “People should know how the French make their wine,” his spokesperson told reporters.
THE TRUTH: The claim is false but does contain a kernel of truth. Powdered ox blood was once used in France (and other countries, including the United States) to clarify cloudy wine. So were egg whites. The substances were introduced into the wine while it was still fermenting in barrels. Proteins floating in the wine, which caused much of the cloudiness, would then stick to the blood or egg whites, forming clumps that settled to the bottom of the barrel and could be easily removed from the wine. But the European Economic Union formally outlawed the practice of using dried ox blood in 1998. Modern wineries use clay filters to accomplish the same task.
Food tip: To make ketchup pour more quickly, shake the closed bottle vigorously.
ALABAMA KLEENEX
Does your city, state, or province have some cool slang term named after it? If so, send it to us for next year’s Bathroom Reader.
Kansas sheep dip. Whiskey
Michigan bankroll. A big wad of small-denomination bills with a large bill on the outside
Chicago violin. A Thompson submachine gun
Vermont charity. Sympathy, but little else
Cincinnati oysters. Pickled pigs’ feet
California banknote. A cowhide
Bronx cheer. Sound made by sticking out one’s tongue and blowing to express disapproval
Arkansas wedding cake. Corn-bread
Albany beef. Sturgeon. The fish was so plentiful in the Hudson River during the 19th century that it got this nickname
Boston strawberries. Baked beans
West Virginia coleslaw. Chewing tobacco
Missouri featherbed. A straw mattress
Cape Cod turkey. Codfish
Tennessee toothpick. A raccoon bone
Arizona nightingale. A burro
California collar. Hangman’s noose
Mississippi marbles. Dice (for craps)
Full Cleveland. A ’70s-style leisure outfit: loud pants and shirt, white belt, white loafers
Texas turkey. An armadillo
Missouri hummingbird. A mule
Tucson bed. Sleeping on the ground without cover
Colorado Kool-Aid. Coors beer
Arizona paint job. No paint at all
Arkansas fire extinguisher. A chamber pot
Alabama Kleenex. Toilet paper
Oklahoma rain. A sandstorm
Kentucky breakfast. Steak and bourbon (and a dog to eat the steak)
First non-royal to be portrayed on a British stamp? William Shakespeare (in 1964).
THE WORLD’S WORST NOVELIST
Could there actually be a world’s worst novelist? According to the Oxford Companion to English Literature, it’s Amanda McKittrick Ros. We were skeptical, so we read some of her work. They were right.
PEN OF PERSUASION
If you spent all your spare time reading romance novels and then decided to try writing one yourself, how good would it be? That’s what an Irish schoolteacher named Amanda McKittrick Ros wanted to find out: in 1895 she wrote Irene Iddesleigh. Two years later, her husband paid to have it published as a gift for their 10th wedding anniversary.
The novels that inspired Ros weren’t very good to begin with, and when she tried to imitate them she did even worse. Her prose is wordy and alliterative (“frivolous, frittery fraternity of fragiles flitting round and about” reads one passage), her grammar is quirky, and she embellishes insignificant details for no particular purpose. Her characters don’t cry—instead, tears “fall from their sorrow-laden orbs.” They don’t sweat, they “shed globules of liquid lava.” And they don’t go crazy, either—they become “berthed in the boat of insanity.” It isn’t enough for the character Lady Gifford to simply clear her throat, she has to clear it “of any little mucus that perchance would serve to obstruct the tone of her resolute explanation,” while Lord Gifford’s body shakes “as if electrically tampered with.”
INFLICTING PAIN
Ros’s work would probably have gone unnoticed and be completely forgotten today had a satirist named Barry Pain not read a copy of Irene Iddesleigh. He found the bad writing so funny that he wrote a mocking review in Black in White, a popular literary magazine. Irene Iddesleigh is “the book of the century,” he raved. “Irene is enormous. It makes the Eiffel Tower look short...never has there been anything like it. I tremble.”
Time of the week you’re at greatest risk of getting bitten by someone: Saturday, 3 to 5 p.m.
Overnight, Pain’s review turned Ros into the talk of London literary society. People snapped up copies of Irene Iddesleigh by the thousands, formed Amanda Ros clubs, and threw Amanda Ros dinners and parties at which they took turns reading the worst passages aloud. People wrote fawning letters to the Great Lady in the hope that she might write back in her own hand, and many admirers made the trek to Larne in Northern Ireland to meet her in person. Even Mark Twain read Irene Iddesleigh; he pronounced it one of the great works of “Hogwash Literature.”
DISTURBING THE BOWELS
As flattered as Ros may have been by the attention, she was deeply hurt by the bad reviews and lashed out at critics for the rest of her life. Ros never doubted her own abilities. The negative reviews only steeled her determination to continue writing, or as she put it, “disturbing the bowels of millions” with her work.
•In 1898 she published her second novel, Delina Delaney—twice as long as Irene Iddesleigh and every bit as bad.
•A decade later, Ros published her third work, a book of verse called Poems of Puncture. By then she’d spent more than five years in court fighting over an inheritance. She wrote Poems of Puncture to lash out at her enemies (first critics, now lawyers), and then used the proceeds from book sales to pay her legal bills.
END OF THE ROAD
After Poems of Puncture, Ros began work on a third novel, Helen Huddleson. Inexplicably, she named many of the characters in the book after fruit—Madam Pear, the Earl of Grape, Sir Christopher Currant, Sir Peter Plum, Lord Raspberry, and his sister Cherry Raspberry among them. (Years later, biographer Jack Loudan asked her why she gave Lord Raspberry that name. “What else would I call him?” she snapped back.) The cast of characters is rounded out by a servant named after a flower and a legume, Lily Lentil.
Helen Huddleson promised to be a doozy, but Ros was not able to finish it. Getting on in years, she had terrible arthritis in her hands, which prevented her from writing the last chapter. She did, however, manage to complete a final book of poems, titled Fumes of Formation. Published in 1933, it would be the last of her works published in her lifetime.
Sherlock Holmes author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was an ophthalmologist.
In 1939 Ros fractured her hip in a fall and died a few days later. After her death, relatives sorting through her personal effects were preparing to bur
n all of her papers but were stopped at the last minute by William Yeates, a neighbor and admirer who managed to fill a potato sack full of memorabilia, including the unfinished manuscript for Helen Huddleson. It remained unpublished for 30 years, until Ros’s biographer Jack Loudan edited the manuscript, added a final chapter, and had the book published in 1969.
A ROS SAMPLER
Is Amanda McKittrick Ros the worst novelist in literary history? Here are some excerpts from her work—you be the judge.
Opening line of the book:
“Have you ever visited that portion of Erin’s plot that offers its sympathetic soil for the minute survey and scrutinous examination of those in political power, whose decision has wisely been the means before now of converting the stern and prejudiced, and reaching the hand of slight aid to share its strength in augmenting its agricultural richness?”
—Delina Delaney
(If you can tell us what it means, let us know.)
Attacking a lawyer named Michael McBlear:
“Readers, did you ever hear
Of Mickey Monkeyface McBlear?
His snout is long with a flattish top Lined inside with a slimy crop:
His mouth like a slit in a money box
Portrays his kindred to a fox.”
—Poems of Puncture
On an Atlantic Ocean crossing:
“They reached Canada after a very pleasant trip across the useful pond that stimulates the backbone of commerce more than any other known element since Noah, captain of the flood, kicked the bucket.”
—Helen Huddleson
“Her superbly-formed eyes of grey-blue, with lightly-arched eyebrows and long lashes of that brownish tint, which only the lightly-tinted skin of an Arctic seal exhibits, looked divine.”
—Delina Delaney
“Leave me now deceptive demon of deluded mockery: lurk no more around the vale of vanity, like a vindictive viper: strike the lyre of living deception to the strains of dull deadness, despair and doubt...”
—Irene Iddesleigh
During the Middle Ages, murdering a traveling musician was not thought a serious crime.
GOBBLED UP
Where does the money go when you buy “health food” products? To some New Age hippies who live in rustic communes and give the profits to charity, right? Well, they might have started out like that, but in some cases you’d be surprised.
BOCA BURGERS
Humble Origin: This soy-based, vegetarian product was invented by a natural food restaurateur in 1993 and touted as a healthy alternative to Americans’ favorite meal.
Gobbled Up By: Kraft Foods, makers of Oscar Mayer bologna, Jell-O, Cool Whip, and Cheez Whiz, in 2000. (Kraft is owned by Altria, also known as Philip Morris, the cigarette maker.)
POWERBAR ENERGY AND NUTRITION BARS
Humble Origin: Started in a Berkeley, California, kitchen in 1986.
Gobbled Up By: Swiss mega-corporation Nestlé. They bought the brand in 2000 for a reported $375 million and said it “demonstrates Nestlé’s commitment to health and nutrition.” Some of Nestlé’s other “health” foods: Butterfinger candy bars and Nesquik instant chocolate drink.
CASCADIAN FARM ORGANIC FOODS
Humble Origin: Cascadian was a small organic farm when they started in 1972. They were “committed to sustainable agriculture for the environment—and delicious food for you!”
Gobbled Up By: General Mills, the third largest food company in North America, and makers of Betty Crocker cake mixes, Lucky Charms, and Hamburger Helper. They bought Cascadian in 1999.
BEN & JERRY’S ICE CREAM
Humble Origin: Started in a Vermont gas station in 1978 by two guys with a commitment to high-quality foods and social justice. If ice cream can be a health food, this is the brand.
Gobbled Up By: Dutch multinational corporation Unilever. They bought Ben & Jerry’s in 2000 for $326 million. (They also own the company that makes Slim-Fast.)
A single toad will eat about 10,000 insects over the course of a summer.
ODWALLA NATURAL JUICES
Humble Origin: Started by three musicians in Santa Cruz, California, to fund school music programs.
Gobbled Up By: Coca-Cola, which bought Odwalla in 2001 for $181 million.
SILK SOY MILK
Humble Origin: Created by White Wave, makers of soy products since 1977 under the credo “business without guilt.” It was marketed as a healthier alternative to cow’s milk.
Gobbled Up By: Dean Foods, which also make powdered creamers and Gracias Nacho Cheese Sauces, in 2002. Another of Dean Foods’ products: cow’s milk. They claim to produce more than two billion gallons a year.
KASHI ORGANIC PROMISE CEREALS
Humble Origin: “Kashi Company was founded in 1984 on the belief that everyone has the power to make healthful changes!”
Gobbled Up By: The Kellogg Company, makers of Cocoa Krispies, Eggo waffles, Cheez-Its, and Pop-Tarts. They bought Kashi in 2000 for an estimated $40 million.
SUPRO SOY PROTEIN POWDER
Not So Humble Origin: Supro Soy Protein is made “for Fitness and Health” by Protein Technologies International—a subsidiary of DuPont. In 1999 they successfully petitioned the FDA to permit claims that soy protein reduces the risk of heart disease. Some of DuPont’s other products: Over their long history, DuPont has made lead paint, insecticides, gunpowder, explosives, plutonium, and Agent Orange.
INCENTIVE TO WIN?
At the end of every New York Yankees home game, the P.A. system plays the song “New York, New York”: the Frank Sinatra version if they win...and the Liza Minelli version if they lose.
In ancient Greece, women didn’t start counting their age until they were married.
DOG GIVES BIRTH TO KITTENS!
...and other great tabloid headlines.
ALIENS PASSING GAS CAUSED HOLE IN OZONE LAYER!
—Weekly World News
KEY TO HAPPINESS... YOUR GRANNY’S ARMPITS!
—New York Post
I FOUND JESUS UNDER MY WALLPAPER
—The Sun
NUDIST WELFARE MAN’S MODEL WIFE FELL FOR CHINESE HYPNOTIST FROM THE COOP BACON FACTORY
—News of the World
HOTCAKES NO LONGER SELLING WELL
—Weekly World News
OATMEAL PLANT BLOWS UP; OMAHA BURIED IN ICKY GOO
—National News Extra
MOST UFOs LOOK LIKE REGULAR PLANES!
—Weekly World News
GIRL SCALPED BY BERSERK TORTILLA-MAKING MACHINE
—National News Extra
I THOUGHT MY WIFE WAS CHEATING WITH KEVIN COSTNER...BUT I FOUND HER WITH PRINCE ANDREW!
—The Star
FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH FOUND IN NYC SUBWAY TOILET
—Weekly World News
Tough guy: An adult male gorilla can bench press about 4,000 pounds.
SAGAN SAYS
Carl Sagan (1934–1996) was an outspoken astronomer and author whose life’s mission was to explain the unexplainable.
“In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.”
“The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
“It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English—up to 50 words used in correct context—no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.”
“The universe is neither benign nor hostile—merely indifferent.”
“We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.”
“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it’s forever.”
“Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more
galaxies than people.”
“If we long to believe that the stars rise and set for us, that we are the reason there is a universe, does science do us a disservice in deflating our conceits?”
“All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.”
“In science it often happens that scientists say, ‘You know, that’s a really good argument; my position is mistaken,’ and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. It happens every day, but I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.”
Off to see the Wizard? Tornadoes strike most often between 4–6 p.m., March through July.
NOT WHO THEY SEEMED TO BE
Have you ever lied about your age to get into a movie or stood on your tiptoes to be tall enough to get on a carnival ride? Here are some people who took “faking it” to extremes.
SUBJECT: Willie James Young, Jr., of Miami
POSING AS: Assistant principal of North Miami Middle School
NOT WHO HE SEEMED TO BE: Young had been working for the school district for 22 years, but according to police, his true career was dealing narcotics. Young, it turns out, was a distributor for the Luis Cano international drug ring, accused of selling more than $100 million worth of cocaine on American streets. The assistant principal gig? Just a cover.
CAUGHT! In 1998 Young was arrested by undercover Drug Enforcement Agency agents when he tried to buy 66 pounds of cocaine...just two blocks from his school. He later claimed that he only bought the drugs in order to get them off the street before dealers could sell them to kids. “I was going to take the stuff down to the North Miami Police Department,” he explained.
But the DEA had been building their case against Young for months, and had even negotiated drug deals with him in his office at school. “Someone called in the middle of one meeting, and he told them he was in a parent conference,” DEA spokesperson Pamela Brown told reporters. “Then he laughed about it [to me], saying it was a pretty good cover.” Young was convicted and sentenced to 30 years in prison.
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