Tonight she ignored the soft, faded material and the way it hugged his muscles. She kept her attention on her hands.
"What about Danny?" he asked, prompting her.
"He hasn't been himself for the past week or so."
"I thought I noticed something. I asked him about it a couple of days ago, but he said he was fine."
She glanced at him. "I didn't realize you'd seen it, too."
"I was going to mention it, but there wasn't anything to say. I thought maybe I was imagining things. Obviously I'm not."
"No. This afternoon he didn't want to do anything. He just went in his room, sat on his bed and hugged his bear."
Craig frowned. "I don't like the sound of that. He'd practically relegated that to the closet. So what's the problem?"
She smiled. "Actually it's nothing to worry about. He showed me the wall by the computer where you keep track of the box's' heights at different ages. He's concerned that he's shorter than both Ben and C.J. were when they turned seven. His birthday is only a few weeks away, and he knows he can't catch up. I told him that everyone grows at different rates of speed. He'll catch up eventually. I think he feels better now. He was more cheerful at dinner. But maybe you could talk to him and tell him he's perfect the way he is. Maybe…" She trailed off.
Craig wasn't paying attention to what she was saying anymore. He stared past her, eyebrows drawn together as if he were wrestling with a difficult problem. A muscle twitched in his cheek. Something dark and painful passed through his eyes.
"Damn," he said softly. "I didn't want it to come up like this."
Cold fear rippled down Jill's spine. "Like what? Craig, what's wrong? Is he sick? Oh, God, he doesn't have something wrong with him, does he?"
When he didn't speak, she leaned forward and grasped his forearm. "Answer me, damn it. What's wrong with Danny?"
Craig drew in a deep breath. "Nothing. He's not sick. At least not that I know of. He's fine." He glanced down at her hand and touched the backs of her fingers. "I swear to you, Jill. It's not that."
Slowly she released him. Worry had formed a knot in the pit of her stomach. At his reassurance, it loosened a little, but didn't go away. "Then what is it?"
"Can we please not talk about this?" he asked.
She stared at him, not sure how to answer. "If you prefer, but I'd like to help."
"No one can help… Hell, you might as well know the truth."
He pulled free of her touch and looked straight ahead. He braced his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands. "I don't know how tall Danny is going to be when he grows up. I don't know what he's going to look like or what he's going to want to be. I don't know anything about him."
"I don't understand."
"Danny's not my son."
Jill stared at him, uncomprehending. Not his son? Danny? Little Danny with the big eyes and the smile that— The smile that didn't look anything like his father's.
"Wait a minute," she said, half to herself. "That's crazy. Sure he doesn't look as much like you as the other two, but he has some of Krystal's features. The shape of his eyes. If you adopted him—"
He straightened and shook his head. "We didn't adopt him. He's Krystal's. He's just not mine."
She opened her mouth but didn't know what to say. Not his? That was crazy. "Then how did you get him?"
"I didn't plan it, that's for damn sure." He leaned back against the sofa. If his hands hadn't been curled into tight fists, she might have thought the telling didn't affect him. But the white knuckles and straining tendons gave him away. She ached for him.
"Krystal and I had been separated, but still in the same house," he said. "Not the best way to live or bring up kids, Ben was five, C.J. barely two. She didn't bring her men home. I used to tell myself that was something. God, I was a fool."
"I'm sorry," she said softly.
"Me, too." He closed his eyes. "I told you before she'd been unfaithful from the beginning."
"Yes."
"Once we'd finally started talking about getting a divorce, she went wild. Coming in at all hours of the night, usually drunk. Men started calling here. I hated it and her. Then one night, she came on to me. I was immune by then, and she was furious. She finally blurted out she was pregnant and had planned to pass the kid off as mine. But when I wouldn't cooperate, she was forced to tell me the truth."
Jill shuddered. Craig's pain filled the room. She wanted to comfort him the same way she'd comforted Danny earlier that afternoon. But Craig wasn't a six-year-old boy. She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.
"At first I thought she was going to have an abortion," he continued, opening his eyes, but not looking at her. "She didn't. I don't know why, and I never bothered to ask. As her pregnancy started to show, she became less active, sexually, although she still went out at night."
"You never asked who the father was?"
"No. I told her I didn't care. In my heart, I was curious, and hurt, but I didn't want her to know. She asked to stay until the baby was born, then she'd move out. She'd decided to give it up for adoption. I agreed. Ben and C.J. didn't really understand what was going on. I tried to shield them from her as much as possible."
He glanced at her and grimaced. "I couldn't disconnect from her, though. When her time came, I drove her to the hospital, but instead of leaving I stayed. What a sucker I was. I hated her, but even she deserved someone there. Then they brought me this tiny baby and placed him in my arms. Krystal hadn't bothered to make any arrangements. I saw her staring at me and then I knew. She'd planned it all along. She'd known I would take in her child. I never despised her more than I did at that moment. But I couldn't blame the kid for what his mother had done."
"You did the right thing," she whispered, too stunned to do more than take in all that he was telling her. Danny wasn't his. She couldn't believe it. He'd never even given a hint. Of course, being Craig, he wouldn't ever slight the boy. He'd had her convinced Danny was his favorite.
"I couldn't let him go to strangers," he said. "Besides, by then Krystal had explained her pregnancy to the boys. They were expecting a baby brother or sister. After she left the hospital, she got her things and that was it."
Craig shifted uneasily on the sofa. He already regretted his confession. Jill was staring at him as if he'd just rescued an entire classroom of children from a burning building.
"I'm not a hero," he said harshly. "Don't start thinking I am."
"What would you call it then?"
"Making the best of a bad situation. I did what any decent person would have done. Keeping Danny was the right decision. I didn't trust Krystal to actually give him up. Do you know what that kid's life would have been like with only her as a parent?"
"He would never have survived."
"Exactly."
The room was silent for a moment. Jill looked at him, studying him as if they'd just met. The lamp behind her made her red hair glow, as if touched by moonlight. Her delicate features were so different from Krystal's obvious and flashy beauty. Why couldn't he have fallen for someone like her instead of Krystal? Then he remembered the boys, and he knew that whatever his ex-wife had cost him, it was worth every payment because he had them.
"Are you going to tell Danny?" she asked.
"Maybe when he's older. I know he already feels a little different. I don't want that information weighing on him, as well. Besides, as far as I'm concerned, Danny is as much mine as Ben and C.J."
"Do you know who—" She paused and shrugged. "You know."
"No, I don't know who his father is. Krystal said she didn't know, either. I don't know if she was lying, but it doesn't matter now. When Danny was born, I had him tested for drug addiction and AIDS." He swore. "I had myself tested, too. Just to be safe. Hell of a thing for a husband to have to do because his wife is a slut. Everything came back negative. I know we got lucky. The way Krystal was living her life, who knows what could have happened. But that's over now."
He was ashamed of his past and talking about it brought everything back. He just wanted to get away.
He rose to his feet. Jill stood up and moved close. "I'm so sorry," she murmured.
"Don't be. It's done. We survived."
"You did better than that." She stared up at him. Tears clung to her lower lashes.
"Stop," he said, touching his finger to the single tear that escaped. "It's not that bad."
"I can't believe she did that to you. And her children. To walk away from them like that. Didn't she know what a precious gift they are?"
"Appreciation was never one of Krystal's best qualities. Besides, it's over now. The boys are fine and I am, too. I'm going to make damn sure I'm never in that situation again."
"Life doesn't come with guarantees."
"Maybe not, but next time I'm not taking any chances."
* * *
Chapter 15
« ^ »
Craig heard soft voices in the hallway, followed by muffled footsteps in the hall. He finished fastening his belt, then opened his bedroom door. Ben and Jill had already reached the front door and were heading outside for their morning walk. He followed after them and arrived at the front door just as they started stretching. He pushed aside the front-window drapes to watch.
It was a perfect late-spring morning. The sky was clear, the air still with just a hint of coolness. Dew coated the lawn, making the individual blades of grass glisten. Pansies and marigolds provided bright color along the walkway.
Ben waited impatiently by the sidewalk. He shifted his weight from foot to foot and motioned for them to get going. Jill laughed. She shook out each leg, then moved toward him.
They were both wearing shorts and T-shirts. His once-pudgy son had slimmed down. According to Jill he'd already lost fifteen of the extra twenty pounds he carried. With his new eating habits and increased activity, the rest would be gone by the end of summer.
Ben had lost more than weight. He'd changed from a sullen boy who never wanted to participate in anything to a funny, outspoken charmer. He would never match C.J.'s natural ability, but he was a close second.
As Jill and Ben walked down the sidewalk, she wrapped her arm around his neck and dropped a quick kiss on his head. The boy responded by giving her a fierce hug.
Craig felt a sharp pain in the center of his chest. Why hadn't he seen the potential danger? It should have been obvious from the beginning. Everything about Jill's personality screamed that she was someone who gave fully. She could no more hold back than she could stop breathing. He'd hired her to take care of his sons and she'd done so completely, without thought of her feelings. He wondered if she knew she'd given away her heart.
He let the drapes fall back in place. He would have expected her to be won over by C.J.'s charm, or Danny's sweetness, but it was his oldest she related to the most. Maybe it was because they were both wounded. Maybe it was because a person most appreciated that which she had worked to achieve. Whatever the reason, at the end of summer, Jill Bradford was going to find it difficult to walk away.
He should have been pleased. Thoughts of keeping Jill around occupied most of his day. She'd made a place for herself in all their hearts. If he searched the world, he doubted he would find a woman more different from Krystal. Whereas his late wife had only taken, Jill preferred to give. Krystal thought of herself, Jill thought of others. Even in bed, they were nothing alike. Krystal had orchestrated those times as if they were a staged event. She'd been interested in drama, experimentation and results. Cuddling to be close, touching for the sake of simply touching had been as foreign to her as fidelity.
Jill gave her body with the same easy selflessness as she gave her heart. She savored the heat and passion of lovemaking, yet lingered over the softer, gentler pursuits.
He wanted her. He needed her. He couldn't imagine life without her. He'd sworn next time he wasn't taking any chances, yet he wanted to take this one. Was that love?
He wanted it to be, yet it seemed too easy. He'd lived six years of hell with Krystal and six years of being alone. After all that time was he supposed to believe he would find someone just like that? Meeting Jill had been a quirk of fate. If her friend Kim hadn't eloped after agreeing to take care of the boys, he and Jill wouldn't have met. Was it possible that some cosmic force in charge of love had arranged things so poorly? If by chance she'd been gone that morning, or had refused the job, then he would have spent the rest of his life searching for what he'd already lost.
He didn't want to think about that. He crossed the living room and entered the kitchen. Jill had put on coffee. He poured himself a mug and sipped the steaming liquid.
There were no easy answers to their situation. They'd both been burned. He regretted telling her the truth about Danny. If they were to take a chance on a relationship, he didn't want it to be because she thought he was some kind of hero. He wasn't. He was just a man and father trying to do the best he could. He wasn't trying to prove anything.
He wanted her to love him for himself. He leaned against the counter and took another sip. Ironically, that's exactly what Jill wanted, too. She wanted to be loved for herself.
They were both afraid, both hurting, both terrified of and desperate for love. Who was going to risk it all first?
He put down the coffee. He already knew the answer to that. The hard part would be convincing Jill that his feelings were about her and not just about finding a substitute mother for his children.
* * *
"We're doing better," Jill said when she finished counting. "Only fifteen bags for this trip to the grocery store."
Groceries covered the countertop. Her bi-weekly shopping trips still left her stunned by the amount of food this family consumed. She knew it was going to get worse. When the boys were teenagers, they would eat nearly twice as much. She sure hoped Craig's stock in Austin's company continued to perform well. He was going to need the extra income.
Ben strolled into the kitchen and eyed the bags. "Did you buy low-fat cookies?" he asked.
"Of course."
"Thanks." He grinned.
Although the boys came with her to the market, they hung out by the hot-rod magazines or played video games. She'd quickly found it was easier if they stayed busy and away from her. If they followed her through the store, they were constantly adding things to her cart and she was constantly pulling them out.
"There were some new fat-free hot dogs, so I thought we could try those," she said.
Ben frowned. "What's in them?"
"Turkey and—" She thought for a moment. "Maybe it's better if we don't ask too many questions."
He grabbed the grocery bag on the end of the counter and put it on the kitchen table. Then he reached inside and pulled out a huge bunch of bananas. He put them in the fruit bowl.
"Jill, there's this, uh, dance at school next week. I sort of have to go. It's part of my P.E. grade."
She glanced at him. Color stained his cheeks. He focused on emptying the bag and didn't look at her. Her heart went out to him. Growing up was tough.
"I'm sure you'll have fun," she said.
"I don't know how to dance."
"I'm not the greatest, but I'd be happy to help."
He cleared his throat, then shrugged. "Okay. Thanks." He dug out a bag of apples and walked them over to the fridge. "Um, do you think—" He cleared his throat again.
"What?"
He shrugged.
She carried cans of tomato sauce to the pantry and stacked them on the shelves. Then she paused by the refrigerator and rested her hand on Ben's shoulder.
"You have done a wonderful thing these last couple of months. You've changed the way you eat and how you treat your body. You're active and that's the key to maintaining your weight. This has been a hard lesson for you, but you've learned and you're going to be fine."
He looked at her. His dark eyes were cloudy with confusion. "Yeah?"
"I promise. Do you know what your friends are wearing
to the dance?"
"A shirt maybe. No tie, though."
"Do you want to get something new? I'm sure your dad would agree."
"Okay. I don't think any of my good trousers fit me anymore." He closed the fridge door and leaned against it. "Will girls want to dance with me?" he asked, his words coming out in a rush.
She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. She could feel his spine and shoulder blades. She glanced up.
"Darn it, anyway, Ben, stop growing. I swear you're another half inch taller."
He smiled. "You're just short."
His smile reminded her so much of his father that her heart nearly stopped. She touched his cheek. "Ben, you're going to be a heartbreaker, just like your daddy. Be kind to those little girls at the dance. Be sweet to them, tell them they're pretty and treat them with respect. If you do that, they'll follow you anywhere."
"Yeah?"
"I swear."
"Thanks, Jill, I—" He broke off and hugged her tight. He was getting stronger and practically squeezed out all her air.
When he released her, she coughed a little. "In another couple of years you'll be able to pick me up."
"I already can." He approached. She ducked away.
"I don't think so," she said. "And let's not test your theory."
He grinned. A lock of dark hair tumbled across his forehead. She brushed it away, then pointed at the grocery bag still on the table. "Fold."
"Yes, ma'am."
She continued unpacking food and laundry supplies while Ben talked about his day. As she listened, her mind raced. What was Craig going to say when he found out that Ben was going to his first dance? It was a rite of passage, the first sign that his oldest was on the road to becoming a man.
Jill was glad she was going to be here to see it. She would have to remember to check the camera for film. She wanted to get plenty of pictures. In fact, she should take pictures of all of them. Children changed so quickly. Especially at Danny's age.
PART-TIME WIFE Page 18
