He had, though. And she just couldn’t pretend she didn’t feel the same way.
“Hank...you mean a lot to me, as well. If that wasn’t true...”
When she stopped there, Hank slowly shook his head, saying, “Natalie...‘mean a lot’ wasn’t exactly the right phrase. I... This is the last thing I’d ever have believed would happen, but...I’ve fallen in love with you.”
She gazed at him, her heart racing and her thoughts tumbling all over one another. “I’ve fallen in love with you, too,” she murmured.
She was going to regret telling him that. She knew she would before she’d even finished. Yet she doubted she could have stopped herself no matter how hard she’d tried.
A fresh smile appeared on his face. “You know, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard in my entire life.”
But it wasn’t! Because it didn’t mean what he was reading into it. So she shouldn’t have said it, shouldn’t have given him the impression that...
She realized he was speaking again and made herself concentrate on his words.
“We’re looking at an entirely different picture than we were in the beginning,” he was saying. “And I can’t help thinking that if we only had more time...
“What about the doctor who’s filling in for you? How long is he expecting to be in Villa Rosa?”
“Well, we didn’t agree to any specific date because I couldn’t say how much time I’d need here.”
“Then you don’t have to rush back.”
“I...I guess not, but—”
“Natalie, just listen for a minute, okay? I realize this is too soon to talk seriously about anything long-term. But if you’re down in Guatemala, and I’m up here, there won’t be the slightest chance of our having a long term.
“If you stayed awhile longer, though, long enough for us to see whether...”
She slowly licked her lips, desperately wanting to say she’d consider the idea. It would be so easy to just fall into his arms and hold him forever. But she couldn’t.
“Hank...we need a lot more time to talk about this than we have at the moment. I told Cynthia I’d be there soon, so I’ve got to go and change.”
“Right,” he said, his tone suddenly uneasy. “Right. We’ll pick it up again later.”
Forcing a smile, she pushed herself away from the table and headed for Audrey’s room, trying not to think about later. Because regardless of where she lived, there could never be a long term for them.
And given the way she felt about him, having to explain that was going to be excruciating.
* * *
JENNY RENZONI, THE caseworker from Social Services, looked as if she should still be in high school. And she definitely needed a course in organizational skills.
That did not inspire confidence in Natalie, and she could tell that Cynthia wasn’t impressed, either.
“So you will help me talk to Señora Perez after we’re done here?” Jenny said to Natalie, even though that had already been established. “Make sure that cremation and a service in the chapel at St. Aidan’s are acceptable to her?”
“Yes,” she said, knowing they’d have to be.
Since Señora Perez had told her there was no money, even if she’d prefer a service in a funeral home and a burial plot, it wasn’t an option.
“Good,” Jenny was saying. “If she agrees, we can probably have the service tomorrow or the day after. And once that’s taken care of...
“Señora Perez will need to fill out a welfare application,” she continued, shuffling through the papers in her briefcase.
“Hmm, I don’t seem to have one with me, but that doesn’t really matter. She’ll have to go for an interview, anyway, so she can fill it out then.”
“Will someone at Welfare speak Spanish?” Cynthia asked.
“Hmm, good question. Probably.”
“Why don’t you give me the address and phone number and I’ll check for her,” Natalie said, knowing that she’d undoubtedly end up taking Señora Perez to the interview either way.
Jenny jotted down the information, then dug out a form and looked it over.
When she’d finished, she said to Cynthia, “According to the initial assessment, Señora Perez isn’t capable of assuming responsibility for her granddaughter. Is that how things strike you?”
“From what I’ve seen and been told, yes. She’s clearly not in the best of health, and I think she could have trouble coping day to day—even without a child to care for.”
“In that case, there’s a subsidized seniors’ building that might work for her. Some of the residents speak Spanish, which would give her a support group. Or we have a list of people who rent rooms in their houses.
“As for the child, there aren’t any other relatives willing to assume responsibility?”
“Not according to her grandmother.”
“Okay, then as far as she goes...”
“Her name is Emma,” Natalie said.
“Emma,” Jenny repeated as if it was the first she’d heard of the little girl having a name.
“Well, if Emma won’t be living with Señora Perez, I won’t be her caseworker.”
Natalie glanced at Cynthia, and the message “Thank heavens” passed between them.
“What will happen to her?” Natalie said.
“Well, she won’t be part of my caseload, so—”
“Yes, but you must know the drill,” she interrupted impatiently.
“Well, of course. She’ll be assigned a caseworker from Child Services.”
“And?”
“And she’ll be temporarily placed while she’s being assessed for adoption.”
“Placed where?”
“That depends.”
“On?”
Jenny gave Natalie a look that said she didn’t have time for these questions.
“On?” she repeated, ignoring the look.
“On whether there’s a suitable foster home available,” Jenny told her stiffly. “If so, she’ll go there. If not, she’ll initially be placed in an institution.”
“Just a sec,” Natalie said as Jenny focused on Cynthia.
“What?” She glanced back at Natalie, not bothering to conceal her annoyance.
“I want to ask about the likelihood of adoption. What are her chances when she’s seven?”
“The people at Child Services do their best.”
“But what are her chances?”
“I really can’t say. People generally prefer to adopt infants or toddlers. Still, you never know.”
With that, she firmly turned to Cynthia. “You said that Señora Perez is just down the hall?”
“Yes. She’s in Emma’s room.”
Jenny glanced at Natalie once more. “Then I guess we’d better go talk to her.”
“Not in front of Emma.”
“Natalie, why don’t you and Jenny take Señora Perez to your office,” Cynthia suggested.
“And while you do that, I’ll explain to Emma that she won’t be living with her grandmother. I don’t think Señora Perez should be the one to tell her.”
Natalie hesitated, really, really not wanting to offer, but finally saying, “Would you like me to do it?”
She began to breathe a little more easily when Cynthia shook her head and said, “No, you’ve had to do enough of the dirty work.”
* * *
WHEN ROBBIE CLIMBED off the couch, Hank breathed a sigh of relief that he’d finally had enough. But it turned out he was only changing positions.
Plopping down onto the floor he said, “Again, Daddy.”
Hank reminded himself that according to the book, wanting a lot of repetition was normal. At this point, though, they were already so far beyond “a lot” they were into excessive.
Of course, this was an awfully important subject, so that probably explained why he was still going strong.
“Natalie got hurt and had to be in a hospital,” he began once more.
“And some people she didn’t know w
ere taking care of me.”
“That’s right.”
By now, Robbie had the story memorized and Hank’s throat was sore.
He wished Natalie was here to do some of the retelling, yet he suspected that Robbie had only felt comfortable enough to start in on the topic again because she was gone.
“But if she’s my mommy, why doesn’t she live with me?”
He’d stopped counting the number of times Robbie had asked that one. He’d bet they were past twenty, though.
“She couldn’t find you, remember?”
“But now she did.”
“Yes, now she’s found you. Only...Robbie, I’ve explained that she lives far away.” They were past twenty on that one, too.
“She could move,” he muttered.
“Son, this part is really complicated.” Man, the entire thing was really complicated.
He hesitated before going on. He’d like to say there was a chance Natalie would move. He couldn’t, though.
For a brief moment, when she’d said she loved him, he’d been the happiest man on earth. But then she’d told him that the idea of her staying here longer than she’d been intending needed a lot more discussion—and he’d known they were far from a done deal.
Still, if he loved her and she loved him...and she’d said that kissing him had been incredible...
Thinking about that again made him smile to himself, because people didn’t just walk away from incredible. So, surely, the only problem was that he’d taken her by surprise, and she simply did want to talk some more. Simply needed to convince herself that staying on awhile wouldn’t be a mistake.
“Daddy?”
“Uh-huh?”
“If she doesn’t live here, then she isn’t my mommy.”
“No, Robbie, not all mommies live with their children,” he said, telling himself that since he and Natalie had already agreed to the details of a sharing arrangement, he’d better take that route for the time being. Just in case she wasn’t thinking the way he figured she should be.
“But maybe after she leaves we could go and visit her,” he continued. “Maybe you could even stay with her for a while.”
“No. I hafta stay here. With you. And Mrs. Chevy. So Natalie should move.”
“Well...that would be really hard for her.”
“Why?”
“Because, first of all, she likes living where she is. It’s where her friends are, and where she works.”
Robbie shook his head. “She works at the hospital. Where we drove her.”
“Right now, she does. But that’s only temporary. It’s not her real job. And it would be hard for her to leave her real job and come all the way here to live. And even if she did...
“See...I know you think she could just move in with us, but it’s not that easy. When a man and a woman live together, in the same house, they’re usually married.”
“You and Mrs. Chevy aren’t.”
“No. That’s different, though.”
“Why?”
“Because it is,” he said, trying to think of a simple explanation. “Because I pay Mrs. Chevalier to look after you,” he settled on.
“You could pay Natalie.”
“No, I couldn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s your mother.”
“Then she should live with me.”
His head was starting to hurt.
“You know what?” he said.
“What?”
“I think we need an ice cream break.”
Robbie grinned.
“So let’s hit the kitchen.”
As they started off, he told himself this wasn’t a cop-out. It was merely a delaying tactic.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
NATALIE PAUSED OUTSIDE the door of Emma’s room, really not wanting to face her. Especially not when she was still torn up inside from telling Señora Perez that the authorities weren’t going to let her granddaughter live with her.
Not surprisingly, the woman had found the news awfully hard to take. But, at least, by the time they’d finished talking she’d acknowledged that—as tough as being separated was going to be for both of them—coping with Emma on her own probably would be too much for her.
And Jenny’s assurance that she’d find Señora Perez a place to live and that there’d be money for her to live on had clearly made her feel a lot less fearful about the future.
But now there was Emma to face. And regardless of how good a job Cynthia had done of explaining, it would be a while before the reality of what was happening sank in.
Until it did, Emma would have a million questions. So instead of standing there, anticipating how difficult this was going to be...
Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to breeze into the room and say hello to the other patients.
The privacy curtain was drawn around Emma’s bed, and when Natalie pulled it back a lump formed in her throat.
Emma’s face was pinched, her dark eyes were filled with fear and uncertainty, and she had Teddy clutched to her chest.
“Hi,” Natalie said softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed and taking Emma’s hand in hers.
“Hi,” Emma murmured.
“I hear Dr. Koehler’s been in to see you.”
The girl nodded, catching her lower lip between her teeth.
“Do you want to talk about what she had to say?”
“No.”
Natalie brushed a strand of hair back from Emma’s face, her heart aching for the child.
“She said I can’t live with my abuelita,” Emma whispered at last. “She said when my leg’s better I’ve gotta go live with some other people. But she didn’t know who. And I don’t want to.”
“I know. It’s scary to even think about, isn’t it.”
Emma nodded.
“But we’ll make sure you can still see your grandma. That you can visit with her. And the people you go to live with will be nice,” she continued, praying that would prove true—then praying there actually would be people, that Emma wouldn’t end up in some institution.
“And they’ll want you to live with them,” she added.
“But I don’t want to live with them! Dr. Lawson, doesn’t my abuelita want me to live with her?”
“Oh, yes. Yes, of course she does. But...do you understand why you can’t?”
“No.”
“Do you want me to try to explain?”
“Yes.”
Natalie tried to come up with the right words. They were hard to find.
“You might not remember this,” she finally began, “but the very first time I came to visit you, your grandma wasn’t here in the room. And you told me she’d gone for a walk because her ankles puff up if she sits too long.”
“Did I?”
“Uh-huh. Then she couldn’t come see you at all for a couple of days because she was sick, right?”
Emma nodded again.
“Well, as people get older, they sometimes do get sick. And even when they’re feeling just fine, they don’t have as much energy as they used to. Not always enough energy to look after a little girl.”
“I can look after myself.”
“I know you can, in lots of ways. But you still need someone to make your meals and buy your clothes and take you places and talk to your teacher and help with your homework...all kinds of things like that.”
“My grandma can do those things.”
“Well, I’m sure she can do some of them. But I don’t think she can help with your homework, can she? Not when she doesn’t read English.”
Emma simply stared at the doodles on her cast.
“And she wouldn’t be able to talk to your teachers unless they spoke Spanish.”
“Yes, she would. I can translate.”
“That’s true, but—”
“Dr. Lawson,” Emma said, her eyes glistening with tears, “I don’t want to live with anyone else. I want to live with my mom and my grandma.”
“Oh, darl
ing.” Natalie edged closer and wrapped her arms around the girl’s thin shoulders. “Darling, you can’t live with your mom anymore. She’s gone to heaven, remember?”
“But I don’t want her to be in heaven! I need her to still be here! So I can live with her and my grandma again!”
“Oh, darling,” Natalie said once more, hugging Emma even harder as she began to sob.
* * *
NATALIE HAD SAID she wouldn’t be gone long, but it was late in the afternoon before she arrived back from Madison Plains—late enough that all kinds of worries had begun snaking around in Hank’s mind.
Maybe she’d stayed away because she didn’t want to face him. Because she’d decided that, regardless of how they felt about each other, she still wasn’t about to even consider the possibility of leaving Guatemala.
Standing on the porch next to Robbie, he watched her climb out of her rental. Whether she looked more tired or more unhappy was a toss-up, but she certainly bore little resemblance to the woman who’d been in his arms not all that long ago.
An image of her lying against his shoulder formed in his mind—her skin so creamy smooth he’d never get enough of looking at her.
“Hi!” Robbie called as she headed across the lawn.
“Hi.”
The forced smile she gave them started Robbie scuffing the toe of his sneaker back and forth against a board. He might not know what was wrong, but he could tell something was.
“Daddy, I’m gonna go color, ’kay?”
“Sure.”
Without another word, he scurried into the house.
“Gonna go color” was his way of saying he wanted to be left on his own for a while, and when he needed “alone” time Hank always tried to let him have it.
“I made lemonade,” he said as Natalie reached the porch. “Feel like sitting out here with some?”
“Sounds perfect.”
He went inside, unobtrusively checked that Robbie was settling in with his crayons, then poured a couple of glasses of lemonade. When he got back to the porch with them, Natalie was staring into space.
“So,” he said, handing her a glass and sinking into the chair beside hers. “Want to talk about how things went?”
“I’m not sure I’m up to it.”
“Ah.” That bad.
The silence grew for a minute or two, then she said, “I had time to stop by and see Betty before the meeting with the caseworker.”
A Mother's Love Page 16
