“How are you doing?” I asked, stroking his tight brow. For the past two days he had been so busy ’being there’ for Booker, he hadn’t taken any time to mourn his own loss. He’d known Sam his entire life, and his death had to be affecting him deeply.
“I’m okay. It’s difficult to believe he’s gone, he was such a driving force. He had more energy than did most men did half his age. Part of me is happy for him, I know how much he missed his wife, and I’m trying to focus on how sweet their reunion must be. I do okay until I see Booker’s face and the sorrow that owns it right now,” he said, his eyes filling with tears.
I held him close and thought about how difficult it would be for both of us to be separated by death and hoped we would never have to experience it, though in his chosen profession the odds weren’t in his favor. Why couldn’t he just be a math teacher?
“You look tired, would you like to take a nap?” I hadn’t slept much in the past two days, instead spending many hours at my mother’s side. Her condition was rapidly deteriorating. When I was able to sleep, my dreams were haunted by a dead drug dealer. I shook my head; no naps.
“How about a bubble bath?” he suggested. I was beginning to think he had a thing for bubble baths.
“You could kiss me, we’ve hardly kissed since you’ve come back. You didn’t meet another woman while you were gone did you?” I traced around the outline of his lips with my index finger.
“There are other women out there?” The look on his face was one of genuine surprise.
“Oh, you’re good.” I kissed his cheek. “Did you come up with that all by yourself, or is it a line from one of your old movies?”
“All by myself.” Seth put his arms around my waist and drew me close. “You know, some serious kissing would be a wonderful distraction,” he said. I continued to nuzzle his neck, working my way up to his mouth, kissing him softly before pulling back and looking into his eyes.
“Bubble bath,” we both said it at the same time. He took my hand and led me upstairs.
After my long hot bath, I found Seth in the bedroom sitting on the bench seat below the bay window. His head was leaning up against the curtains with his eyes shut. I walked over and sat in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck as he broke down in my arms.
His tears finally slowed as the phone rang. “Let the machine get it,” he said as I wiped his cheeks. “No, wait, it might be Booker. You’d better answer it.” I reluctantly moved to the phone.
“Hello, Maggie,” Cole said, his voice heavy. “I know you planned on coming to see your mom around 7:00, but it might be a good idea if you came a little earlier today. I'm afraid she’s not doing well.” My head nodded at the phone and hung up without saying a word. Seth already had the keys in his hand, and we immediately left for the hospital.
When we got there, we bypassed the elevator and ran straight up the stairs. Walking into her room, there was a feeling that could only be described as death. Machines were beeping, and alarms were screeching unceasingly. Several nurses and two doctors, one being Cole, were scrambling around her. Some were performing CPR, others were injecting her with drugs. I watched in horror as they gave her electric shock. After what felt like an eternity, the alarms finally ceased and the machines started chirping rhythmically again.
“I wish you hadn’t witnessed that,” Cole said, resetting the last monitor. “It’s difficult enough having someone you love in the hospital, but seeing us working on them like that can be traumatic.”
“She isn’t going to live much longer, is she?” I dropped into a chair in the corner of the room.
“No, she’s not. I’m sorry, Maggie, I doubt she’ll last through the night. Virtually every one of her bodily systems has failed now.”
“Can you take her off the drugs? I’d like to try and talk to her one last time.” My voice sounded detached, I was unsure of how much more I could take. The sleep I so desperately needed would not be happening for a while.
“We took her off them yesterday. Maggie, research suggests people in comas can often hear us, by all means, talk to her.” I did have some things to say to her, but what I wanted most in the world was to hear her say she loved me. I wanted to hear her voice the words she had only written to me a few times. I didn’t tell that to Cole, I didn’t tell that to anyone.
Everyone left the room, even Seth. He seemed to sense my need to be alone with her. He knew me better than my own mother. I went to her bedside and took her delicate hand carefully into mine. The veins were visible through her almost translucent yellowed skin.
“Mom, can you hear me? I love you.” I kissed her hand gently, there was no response. I again pleaded with her to open her eyes. Still nothing. Numbness was quickly taking up residence in my soul as I repeated my plea several more times before giving up and sitting back down.
The rhythmic sounds of the machines were growing more and more irritating as the minutes past. Beeping and beeping and beeping. Over and over and over again. It didn’t take long for it to get on my nerves.
I slapped my hands over my ears. “STOP!”
“Maggie, we should go home and get some sleep, you look awful,” Seth said, taking my hand.
“Thanks for the compliment.” I was more than a little embarrassed by my outburst. “I didn’t see you come in.”
“Secret Agent Man, remember? Poof.” He winked, and for once, my heart didn’t respond.
“I don’t want to go, what if she wakes up? You can go, I’ll be fine.” He frowned and left, returning a few moments later with another recliner chair. He slid it up next to mine and took my hand.
“I can go. Sometimes you are just ridiculous,” he said, kissing my palm. We sat for several hours making small talk, since sleep was impossible with the alarms going off constantly.
Around 4:00 A.M., things began changing drastically. My mom started groaning and fidgeting around in her bed. I quickly jumped to her side, carefully taking her hand in mine again.
“Mom, can you open your eyes?” She groaned louder. After several minutes of coaxing, they finally opened. The whites were yellowed and lined with red blood vessels, and she seemed to be having trouble focusing.
“Hi, mom, how are you feeling?” My eyes filled with tears. She was finally awake! She mumbled something incoherent and shut her eyes again.
I brushed some hair from her face, “Mom, it’s me, Maggie. Can you open your eyes?”
“Gaa waaa,” she whispered weakly.
“Did you understand her, Seth?” I looked at him hopefully. “What did she say?”
The look in his eyes told me he understood her only too well. He shook his head and replied, “No.” A lie!
“Mom, I love you.” The tears were streaming down my cheeks. I knew it would only make her angry, but they were impossible to stop.
“Go waaay!” she said louder, pulling her hand out of mine. This time I understood her. It felt as if the air had been sucked from my lungs, and I stumbled back a little.
“Remember, Cole said her liver is no longer functioning,” Seth reminded me. “It’s dumping poisons into her system. He said it could cause delusions, and don’t forget about all the drugs they’ve had her on since she’s been admitted.” I knew he was trying to soften the harsh words she was heaving onto me.
“Mom, I love you,” I pleaded this time. She wasn’t going to say it back, I knew it, and my heart was breaking.
“Drink!” she demanded. I put an ice chip into her mouth, and she promptly spat it back out at me.
“No, Vodka! Stupid!” That she said clearly, too clearly. “Go ’way!”
Seth’s lips were instantly at my ear once more. “Maggie, she’s sick, we really should go.” He pulled at me gently, only I couldn’t leave.
“Mom, I love you. Please, mom, don’t you love me?” I begged through my tears.
Her eyes looked into mine, and for an instant, there was something there. Sorrow, or maybe even love.
It was love all right, only it wasn�
�t for me. “I love vodka! Now get me a drink or go ’way!”
Those were her last words. The monitors started screaming once more, as her breathing turned shallow and labored. Cole, along with his staff, came rushing in and worked on her for over half an hour trying to bring her back. He pleaded with Seth to take me out of the room, but I begged him to let me stay, hoping she’d regain consciousness and say the words I needed to hear.
But she didn’t.
33
“I’m sorry, Maggie. I did everything possible.”
“I know, Cole. Thank you very much.” I mindlessly patted his hand and walked out of the room, shedding no tears. My heart was frozen solid; no pain was getting in or out.
I couldn’t believe the amount of paperwork there was to do after someone died. It was several hours before we could leave the hospital.
Later that morning, Seth helped me make funeral arrangements. Since she didn’t have any friends, I saw no need for the expense of a full-blown funeral. I planned a graveside service for late the following day, and of course, Seth paid for everything.
Throughout the day, my mind replayed her last few minutes repeatedly. I couldn’t stop it, nor did I try. Seth walked around me as if I were a delicate piece of china.
By the end of the day, exhaustion owned me and sleep was my only escape, or so I thought. Regrettably, the two hours of sleep I did manage were beset with nightmares of my mom laughing and mocking me as she drank her vodka. Giving up, I sat and watched some of Seth’s old movies the rest of the night, alone.
The service was at 4:30 in the afternoon. Aside from a preacher connected to the mortuary, Booker, Cole, Seth, and I were the only ones there. The preacher offered some kind words as we lowered her into the ground. My mind was empty, my heart was still frozen, and not one tear fell from my eyes throughout the service. In truth, my heart hadn’t hurt since I plead for her love at the hospital. I also hadn’t slept more than five hours over the past four days. I was actually enjoying the zombie like feeling it produced. I didn’t want to think, or feel anymore, emotions and feelings were overrated.
“Maggie, would you like me to give you something to help you sleep? You look exhausted.” I yawned and shook my pounding head at Cole’s offer.
“It was a nice service.” Booker gave me a side hug and a quick peck on the head. “You look bad. Have this boyfriend of yours take you home and put you to bed. I’ve seen albinos with more color than you, and I won’t even mention the dark circles around your eyes.” He seemed repulsed by my face.
“Good. Don’t mention them, Garfield.”
Seth held my hand as we walked to the car. I giggled aloud several times. “What’s so funny?” Seth asked.
“I have no idea,” I said with another giggle. His face was unreadable, or maybe it was just blurry. I really needed some sleep. “I want to sleep at my house tonight.” He didn’t argue and drove straight to my trailer.
I ambled around in the empty trailer, hoping to find … I don’t know what. Closure? Peace, maybe? Only neither was to be found, just unhappy memories. No matter where I looked, I saw my mother drunk, which definitely didn’t bring me any comfort. I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out. Sleep. Sleep and never wake up.
“I’m going to bed.” I could feel my defenses growing weak, and I wanted to be alone when they finally broke down. Besides, my head was pounding, and I couldn’t stop yawning to save my life.
“I can’t leave you here alone, Maggie, we still have no idea where Alan is.”
I nodded. “You can sleep in my room, It’s only fitting since I sleep in yours all the time.” I giggled again, his face remained emotionless.
I walked slowly into my mother’s room and knew instantly I’d made a big mistake. As the door shut, my frozen heart began to crack, like a spring creek after winter, sending horrendous jolts of pain through me. I didn’t bother changing into my pajamas, instead I fall onto the bed, crying and grasping at my broken heart. My mind replayed the last several months over again in my half-crazed head: The almost attack in the park, the Winter Festival Mirror Maze, Hillary trying to punch me, and Zack smacking me around at school. I saw Bill Dreser, his body pierced with the samurai sword, taking his last breath. I saw Sam collapsing, and Booker yelling at me.
I heard all the cruel bitter words my mother eructed at me daily. Haunting memories of her in a drunken stupor, every day, falling, and screaming at me, repeatedly. I clapped my hands over my ears as if I could block out her words, but they still rang out crystal clear in my mind.
I could see her in the hospital with tubes running everywhere. I heard her shrieking for vodka and not for me as she died, sucking in her last haggard breath, leaving me alone, all alone, never telling me she loved me, only in some stupid letters.
Yet it wasn’t enough. I wanted, no, I needed to hear her say it.
I jerked her pillow over my face in an attempt to smother out the pain, only to be greeted by the stench of alcohol instead. Then I realized how much the whole house reeked of it. Living here every day, I rarely noticed it, but now that I’d been away for a while, I realized the smell was all-encompassing. Her bedding was especially saturated with the smell and it made me sick.
I remembered seeing some clean sheets on the closet floor, and through my pain, clawed my way across the bed to the pile of linen. I picked the spare sheets off the floor and a half-empty bottle of vodka slipped out from underneath, stopping at my feet. I picked it up and held it, mindlessly twisting it around in my hands. My fist wrapped tight around the neck of the bottle, and my eyes clamped shut. No more pain, I begged. Please stop.
A small flicker of joy entered my bleeding heart. Seth. I squeezed my eyes together tightly, and in my mind, I saw his smiling face, his kind eyes filled with love for me.
In the same beautiful vision, he exploded into a riot of blood. I screamed, smashing the bottle of booze against the wall. I didn’t realize how close I stood to the wall until shattered glass and alcohol splattered all over me. My knees gave out, and I dropped to the floor. The door flew open and Seth, Booker, and Cole stood soberly at the door.
“Maggie, are you alright?” Seth asked. He stood frozen, not coming near me.
“Don’t force her, Seth,” Cole said.
“Don’t force her? What are we supposed to do, watch her die?”
“No, Booker, however, force isn’t the answer to everything either. We need to let her work through this. Just talk to her. We’ll stop her if it becomes dangerous,” Cole said. I watched as Booker rolled his head back angrily.
What in the world were they talking about? Don’t force me to do what? I shook my pounding head in confusion. My frozen heart was now completely thawed, flooding me with pain, too much pain, and I desperately wanted it to stop. I began rocking back and forth, it was somewhat comforting.
“Why didn’t she love me? Why am I such an unlovable nothing? What’s so wrong with me? Why did she love her booze more than me?” I pounded my fists on my knees, blurting my questions out in rapid succession. Not allowing anyone to answer my pleas, I continued.
“I was a good girl. I cooked for her and cleaned the house every day. I studied hard at school and got good grades, all in hopes of pleasing her. I never made trouble, ever. I didn’t drink, or do drugs. I didn’t sleep with boys, either, in hopes of making her proud of me. Yet still I didn’t matter to her. I am an unlove—”
“Maggie, please don’t do this. I love you,” Seth said.
Looking into his green eyes, I saw they were ringed with tears. I was hurting him with my words, something I didn’t want to do.
“You do love me, more than she loved her booze. You would do anything for me. You’d …”
“I’d give up my life for you.” A single tear ran down his face, his beautiful face, but still he wouldn’t come near me.
I looked down at my wet clothes, maybe the smell of alcohol was more off-putting than I thought. That was when I noticed my bloodied hands. Eac
h was clinched firmly around several large chards of glass, fragments of the broken vodka bottle. I looked back up at Seth as he walked toward me in slow motion. I held my hands out in front of me to show him the blood. He stopped dead next to the bed.
“Maggie, put the glass down, please,” Seth implored.
I looked at the handfuls of glass again, trying to figure out why it didn’t hurt when I squeezed. There were several large splatters of blood on my clothes and on the floor, yet I felt nothing but the pain in my chest.
“Why didn’t my mom love me enough to give this up?” Pressing my bloodied hands to my chest, I squeezed my fists around the broken chards again. I was beginning to feel confused, losing my focus. Stay on task, you stupid girl!
“No more, I can’t take anymore!” I told myself to calm down, except it was too late. Not only were the past several months of chaos drowning me, but a lifetime of stuffing my emotions deep inside and not dealing with things was coming back, consuming me. I couldn’t catch my breath as the room began twisting wildly. My stomach threatening to regurgitate its content, and I fell sideways against the wall, all the while holding the chards tight in my fists.
“I’m here for you, Maggie. I’ll always be here for you,” Seth vowed. He looked incredibly sad and it broke my heart even more.
“Maggie, hand me the glass.” Cole stepped closer to me. If he wanted the glass, he could have it, I certainly didn’t want any souvenirs of life with my mother. He had such kind eyes. Why hadn’t he found someone to marry?
“Maggie, please.”
Before I could hand the chards over, someone grabbed me from the rear, twisted my arms behind me, and pressed me to the floor.
Booker!
Seth flew over the bed, and he and Booker easily pried my hands open and retrieved the glass before I could do any more damage. Seth pulled me up into his arms, buried his face in my hair, and whispered my name repeatedly.
“I’m going to throw up,” was my only response. A trash bin appeared under my mouth, and I followed through with my statement. I dropped back onto Seth’s chest and lifted my head to look into his eyes, only the corner of a plastic bag protruding from the closet ceiling caught my eye instead.
Unlovable Page 31
