He followed me into the kitchen, leaning on the counter as I rummaged through the refrigerator and found the cold spaghetti, neatly packed away inside of a plastic tub. Kipa had certainly gotten better at cooking over the past month or so, and he had also taught himself how to clean up after I had laid into him about leaving a sink full of dishes for me to do. I knew he was trying, and I wished I didn’t feel so prickly.
“You want me to heat that up?” He moved to get a plate, but I shook my head.
“I like cold spaghetti. I’ll just eat out of the container.” I grabbed a fork before he could get it for me, and skirted him as I headed toward the table. He caught me around the waist though, pulling me in for a kiss. I stiffened, but let him kiss me on the cheek, then quickly disentangled myself and headed for the dining room.
“Do you want me to stay over tonight?” He followed me, but didn’t sit down. Instead, he stood behind one of the chairs, leaning on the back of it. He was gorgeous, and he cared, and I hated that I really didn’t want to be around him right now. I felt horrible because he was so good-hearted, but that was also why I didn’t want him around right now. I was snapping at anybody over every little thing, and I didn’t want to make him a target.
“No. Go ahead, I’m sure you must have things to do. It’s so late that I think I’m just going to eat dinner and crash for the night.” We had only had sex two or three times since I had escaped Pandora’s lair. When anybody held me too tightly, even for a hug, I began to panic.
His shoulders slumping, Kipa let out an exhausted sigh. “Fine. I do have some errands to run.” He paused, glancing at me.
I could feel the hesitation there and finally set down my fork. “I know you want to say something. I can tell. Please, just be honest.”
“Do you even want me around? I’ve tried to give you space, I’ve tried to help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if you want me here, or if you just want me to leave. I’m never certain that you mean what you say nowadays. I don’t know if you even still like me.” The broken notes in his voice almost broke my heart.
Tears flecking my eyelashes, I turned to him. “I don’t know what to say. I do care about you, more than you can possibly imagine. But I’m not coping very well with the aftermath of all this. I don’t like being touched. Every time somebody hugs me, I feel like I’m trapped. I wake up in a panic if the blankets are too tight. I’ve…” I paused. I hadn’t told him about the flashbacks yet.
“What? You’re not telling me something.”
“Kipa, I’ve been having flashbacks—I had one tonight while I was fighting that ghost and it gave her the chance to knock me over. I’m afraid every time I go out. I know I should be stronger than this. Hell, what she did to me hurt, but it wasn’t as bad as what she did to the others. And I survived. I’m one of the Ante-Fae. I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to be able to cope with things like this.” I stared down at my spaghetti, not wanting to see the look of disappointment on his face.
Kipa pulled the chair out and slid into the seat. He didn’t reach for my hand, but his voice was soft. “Raven, you may be one of the Ante-Fae, but you’re still young. And you’ve never had to face anything like that before. Pandora didn’t get as far with you as she did her other victims, but she was headed there. You have a right to be terrified. Neither I—nor anybody else—expects you to come through this without help. If you think that I expect you to just pretend it didn’t happen, or be some strong silent heroine, you’re totally wrong. I do want to be here for you. And I’m okay with not having sex right now. I’m okay with you not feeling capable of cuddling or hugging right now. What I’m not okay with is you keeping all of these emotions bottled up.”
I hung my head. “Great. I feel guiltier than ever. No, really, you are being so good about this, and I feel like I’ve just turned into a total bitch.”
“I wish you would talk to someone. I wish you would talk to Ferosyn. You have PTSD, and don’t you even try to deny it. He could help.”
It felt like I could barely breathe. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to ask for help. The trouble was, I wasn’t quite ready. I felt like I was trapped in some horrible dream and every time I turned, there was something to remind me of that night. Whether it was the new teeth growing in my jaw where she had ripped out all my molars, or whether it was looking at the shiny new nails on my nail beds, or whether it was catching a glimpse of the scars on my body when I looked at myself naked in the mirror, Pandora was everywhere in my reality. Her reminders were everywhere on my body. It didn’t help that she was still alive, either. The gods were immortal, and I felt like I’d never be free of wondering if she was still out there somewhere, waiting to come after me again.
“I wish I could, too. I wish it was simply a matter of me saying yes, I want help. I just don’t think I can talk about it yet, to anybody. Any therapist is going to want me to relive it, and I don’t think I’m ready to go through it again.”
“Raven, you’re facing it every day,” Kipa said. “You’re coping with this alone, locked in your heart. Nobody can handle memories like yours without a little help.” He paused, then let out another sigh and stood. “I’m here when you need me. I’ll spend the night at my place, but if you call, I’ll come running. You don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to do anything except just say the word—just one word—and I’ll be here. Meanwhile, I’ll give you some space.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, tearing up. “I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Kipa slipped on his leather jacket, and headed for the door. Pausing, he looked back over his shoulder. “I’m not letting you push me away. I know that’s not what you want, and I know you’re trying to protect me from your moods. Trust me, I can handle far more than you think, and I’ve seen far worse. I’m here when you need me.” And with that, he patted Raj on the head and took off out the door.
I pushed back the container of spaghetti, trying to steady my breath. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to break things and throw things. It was like I had an inner spring that was coiled so tightly that it was ready to break. Finally, I managed to calm down. I stared at the table until I could breathe again, then began eating again.
Chapter Two
My phone rang. At first I thought it was the alarm, trying to jog me out of sleep, but then I noticed the ring tone was different. It wasn’t my usual Marilyn Manson wakeup call. I forced my eyes open and rolled over in the bed, grabbing my phone up from where it was on the opposite pillow. It was probably Kipa, checking in on me. But when I glanced at the number I realized that it was Llew, one of my best friends. Groggily, I answered as I propped myself up on a pillow, leaning over it as I attempted to pry the gunk at the corners of my eyes.
“Hey, Raven, I’m glad I got hold of you.” Llew sounded somewhat strained, and I knew it was because I hadn’t been down to the shop since I had gotten home from Mount Bracken. I had tried a few times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go. Llew had been playing phone tag with me for several days now, and I finally decided that I had to answer him.
“Hi, Llew, sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I’ve been…” How should I say it? I’ve been freaking out inside? I’ve been having flashbacks? I’ve been hiding out away from anybody and everybody?
“Busy, right. That’s what Kipa said the last three times I called your house phone.”
That reminded me that I had planned to have the landline removed. I jotted a note to myself on the pad of paper on my nightstand, then decided honesty was best.
“I just haven’t felt up to coming in. I’m sorry that I haven’t phoned to talk to you about it.” I paused, realizing that there was nothing more to say.
“That doesn’t surprise me. What does surprise me is that you couldn’t talk to me about it. We’ve been friends for years, Raven. A lot of people rely on you for consultations. If I can just give them a timeframe, everything will be all right. But I’ve had to tell the
m time and again that I don’t know when you’re coming back.”
I frowned, feeling slightly attacked. “Llew, you do know everything that happened to me up on that mountain, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. Unless you held something back. And it’s fine that you’re not coming in right now. Just talk to me and give me some sort of timeframe.”
I frowned. “Why can’t you just tell them I’ll be there later? That I’m on vacation or something?”
“Because even if you were on vacation you would have a return date. Humans aren’t like you or me. They need a frame of reference.” He waited for a moment and when I didn’t answer, he asked, “You are coming back to the shop, aren’t you?”
I stared at the wrinkles in the sheets, trying to decide whether I wanted to bother ironing them. I decided that it wasn’t worth it, given I’d just mess up the bed again.
“Raven, are you there?”
I shrugged, nodding. Then, realizing he couldn’t see me, I said, “Yes, I’m here. I’m nodding. But Llew, I don’t know when I can come back.”
There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment, then Llew said, “Raven, we’ve known each other for quite a while, haven’t we?”
I nodded, saying, “Yeah, we have. You’re one of my best friends.”
“And being one of your best friends, I like to feel that I can say just about anything to you, can’t I?”
I stiffened, then whispered, “Of course you can.”
“All right. I’m saying this with love. Get your damned ass down here and get back to work. The last thing you need right now is to sit at home, dwelling on what happened. I think you should go to therapy. Kipa thinks you should go to therapy. Even Ember thinks you should go to therapy. But you won’t. Fine. You don’t want to. But for the sake of the gods, keep yourself busy. Don’t give yourself time to think.” His words were caring but stern. I could practically see his expression now. Llew and I had known each other for many years, and he truly was one of my best friends.
Part of me wanted to snap back at him, but I knew he was right. I didn’t want to go in—I didn’t really want to do anything. But I couldn’t just sit here forever.
“All right. I’ll come down tomorrow.”
“No, you’ll come down today. I know that you don’t have any plans. I know you. Normally you’d be booked to the brim with things to do, but ever since Pandora kidnapped you, you haven’t done a damn thing that you haven’t had to. I know that sounds harsh but it’s true, isn’t it?”
I glared at my phone for a moment, then said, “I’ll be down in an hour or so.” As I punched the end talk button, part of me was grateful that Llew felt he could talk to me that way. Because it meant he cared.
It was warm enough that I scrambled into a short black petticoat, then a purple sundress with a swirly skirt. I added a black patent leather belt, and platform Mary Janes. I never went out in public without my makeup so I managed to get eyeliner and some violet lipstick on, and I pulled my hair into a high ponytail. As I walked into the kitchen, Raj was sitting by his dish, looking woefully at the empty plate. He glanced up at me, his eyes lighting up.
“I’m late for breakfast, aren’t I?” I asked, kneeling to pick up his plate. He followed me into the kitchen where I pulled out a clean dish and opened a large can of cat food into it. “How about a special treat today?”
“Raven feel better?” Raj asked.
“Yeah, I guess. Raven’s going down to Llew’s shop today to read the cards. Will Raj be okay here?” I had beefed up my wards, adding a magical security system as well as a physical one just in case Pandora took it into her head to pop into my house. One of my biggest fears was that she would show up and retaliate by hurting Raj.
“It’s good for Raven to go to the shop. Raven’s been alone too much lately.” Raj leaned against me, then sniffed at the plate as I carried it to the dining room.
“Raven’s okay, Raj. Don’t worry about her, okay?” I didn’t like that he was so fixated on my moods. I didn’t want him unhappy.
“Raj always worries about Raven, just like Raven worries about Raj. Raj loves Raven.” He gave me a quick look before he turned his head back toward his plate.
I leaned down, giving the gargoyle a big hug around his neck and kissing him firmly on the forehead. “And Raven loves Raj. Always remember that, okay?”
“Okay,” Raj said, falling to his breakfast.
I gathered my things and, for the first time in weeks, set the security alarms and headed toward the Sun & Moon Apothecary.
Llew was waiting for me when I entered the shop. He owned the Sun & Moon Apothecary in downtown Redmond, a shop primarily for witches, but in actuality, a large contingent of customers came through, everyone from human pagans to sorcerers to little old ladies who wanted me to read their cards. I had developed a strong clientele and while the money never hurt, I liked that I had also developed a friendship with some of them.
Maxine, one of my regulars, was waiting for me when I arrived. Seated at the table near the window, she was patiently riffling through a knitting magazine. I waved at her, then walked over to Llew.
“So, are you mad at me for talking to you the way I did?” He leaned across the counter to place a quick kiss on my cheek. Llew’s husband owned the coffee shop next door, and both Jordan and Llew had become good friends over the years.
“Yes. But you’re right. Things feel like they’re falling apart right now. I feel adrift. One minute I’m lonely and wanting Kipa by my side, the next minute I’m angry and yelling at him. I don’t want to be like this, Llew.” I gave him a pleading look.
“We’ll talk after you read for Maxine. She’s been waiting for several weeks to have you read her cards. Go on now, and I’ll get some coffee for you over at Jordan’s. What do you want?”
I wasn’t really that hungry, but coffee did sound good. “A triple-shot caramel latte, please. And if he has any caramel sticky buns, one of those.”
“Sure thing.” Llew grabbed a twenty out of the till and headed out. I wandered over to where Maxine was waiting.
“Hey.” I sat down on the opposite side of the table and pulled out my cards. “It’s been awhile.”
As I set up my cards and crystal ball, Maxine watched me from over her magazine. She was in her seventies, human, and sharp as a tack. Sometimes it was hard for me to believe she was as old as she said she was. She didn’t look seventy-five, and she seldom acted it. But there was a wise woman feel to her, and I wondered if she had ever practiced any sort of magic in her life. She had the feel of the crone, even though she didn’t look old enough to be one.
“It’s been awhile since you’ve been down here,” she said and I could feel the question behind her words.
I merely nodded, then lit the candle sitting by the side of the table. It was a large pillar candle on a three-foot tall pedestal. The comforting scent of sage rose to waft around us, clearing the air.
“Shall we get started? What would you like to ask the cards today?”
Maxine set her knitting to the side and straightened in her chair. She rested her elbows on the table, leaning on them as she stared at me. “I’m facing a dilemma with my daughter.”
I knew that Maxine had been married at one time, but I didn’t realize she had children. “You have a daughter?”
She nodded. “I was married twice. Neither marriage lasted very long. My daughter is from my first husband. She’s forty-six, and I’m worried about her. She recently quit her job, and she’s blowing through her savings. I asked her if she was going to look for a new position but she said that she’s tired of working and needs a break. Her job was never that stressful, though. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I can’t help but feel that she’s making a mistake, if not more than one. I’m worried she’s headed toward a bad end. Can you give me any insight into what I should do, if anything?”
I shuffled the cards, frowning. As I laid them out, several cards jumped out at me as though t
hey were shining around the edges. The eight of chalices, the seven of chalices, the ten of wands, and the prince of athames.
“Is your daughter involved with a man who’s an intellectual sort? He might be born under the sign of Gemini or Libra or Aquarius, although I tend to think either Gemini or Libra would be the most likely.”
Maxine gave me a nod. “Darrell. He’s a Gemini, and they been together for about four months now. Maybe five. I don’t like him very much. The man has a nasty sense of humor. What he calls a joke, I call attacking others. He’s been gaslighting my daughter, and I’ve tried to talk to her but she doesn’t want to listen.”
That told me a great deal. “Looking at the cards, I hate to say it but I think he has substance abuse issues. I also think he’s an emotional vampire. He’s draining her dry of energy, and she has started to feel unsettled and unsure of herself. Is he living off of her?”
Maxine slapped the table. “I knew it. She tried to tell me that she’s not supporting him, but he’s always over there eating her food, he stays at her place, and I know that she’s buying too much booze lately. She’s never been a drinker but all of a sudden she’s buying wine by the case. And I thought…” She paused, then lowered her voice. “I thought I saw a bottle of pills on the table the other day, and there was no prescription label, and they sure didn’t look like vitamins to me.”
I bit my lip. I didn’t like throwing people under the bus, but there was no doubt in my mind about this guy. “Darrell is leeching off of her in a number of ways. He’s draining her self-esteem, and I think he’s trying to cut off her connection to you. Emotional abusers do that. He also has a substance abuse problem. Probably alcohol, since you mentioned it. Do you know why she quit her job?”
Maxine shrugged. “I asked her, but she wouldn’t answer. Or rather, she gave me a roundabout answer that she just ‘needed some downtime,’ that ‘things at work were getting a little too stressful.’ My daughter was up for a big promotion and she blew it. Six months ago, you couldn’t pry her away from that job. I thought maybe someone at work might be sexually harassing her, or maybe they gave her too many things to handle. But now… I think it was Darrell who convinced her to quit.”
Witching Moon Page 2
