Gina wasn't fooled by her friend's levity and she put her hand on Twyla's arm. "Oh Twyla," she said huskily. "I hope so."
Twyla smiled and patted the hand on her arm. "I'm sure of it," she said, "but I didn't come here to talk about my love life. It's yours I'm concerned about. Now come on, give."
Gina cleared her throat and blinked away the tears. "I was crying when Peter left. He probably had an attack of conscience and decided he'd better see to it that I was taken care of."
She tipped the snifter to her lips and swallowed the last of the brandy. "Take me home, Twyla."
Twyla nodded and stood. "Come on, I'll help you get your things together."
Chapter Twelve
The noonday sun shone brightly on the churning ocean as the biting wind slammed huge blue-green waves topped with white foam against the rocky Mendocino coast line. Gina, wearing a heather wool pleated skirt and a bulky gray sweater buttoned up against the chill of the strong breeze, stood on top of the cliff bracing herself into the gusts and watching the swirling ever-changing sea. She'd taken advantage of her lunch break to get away from the shop, her apartment, the small village that held so many memories and walk the short distance to the ocean.
It had been two days since that disastrous night with Peter and she'd heard nothing from him. Not that she'd really expected to, but that didn't make the yearning any less painful. She'd managed to fill her days with work but the nights were unrelenting torture. If it hadn't been for Twyla she didn't know how she would have survived.
On the drive back to Mendocino from Peter's home she'd filled Twyla in on the events leading up to his seduction and then abandonment of her. Twyla, in her own colorful language that at times seared even Gina's ears, denounced Peter in particular and all men in general as ungrateful, immoral and fatherless.
Later, though, during the past two nights when she'd just happened to drop by to gossip and, incidentally, keep Gina from going insane with loneliness and regret, she'd been less sure of Peter's motives. "It's just not Peter's style, honey," she'd said in a puzzled tone. "It's too crude. I'm positive he'd never be less than a gentleman in an intimate relationship with a woman. Are you sure you've told me everything?"
Of course Gina hadn't told her friend "everything." She could never discuss the details of their lovemaking with anyone, but all the pertinent facts were there. Peter had seduced her, made love to her, and then walked out on her.
A strong gust of wind tossed breaking waves high on the jagged face of the cliff and rocked Gina with its chilling force. She pulled her sweater tighter and turned to walk back toward town. If she didn't hurry she would overstay her break and today had been a busy one. This was the Labor Day weekend, the last big tourist influx before the schools started in California. After Monday the summer season would be over and fall was already blowing in on the tides.
Gina's black hair was tousled and her cheeks were pink from the nippy breeze as she stepped into the gallery and closed the door behind her. To her left two middle-aged women were standing in front of a glass display case arguing with Peg Harvey over the price of a sleek ceramic cat, and Gina walked toward them on her way to her office to hang up her sweater.
She smiled at Peg as she started to pass, but Peg held up a hand to stop her. "Gina," she said, "you have a visitor."
Gina turned in the direction of Peg's glance and froze. Not four steps behind her stood Peter Van Housen.
He was wearing brown corduroy jeans and a tan windbreaker and his wheat-colored hair was ruffled from the breeze, but he did not look boyish. If anything he'd aged in the two days since she'd seen him. He'd looked ill then and he still did, but there was something else. The slump of his shoulders, his stance, were more like that of an old man worn down by defeat than the cocky attitude he'd always maintained.
His face was clean-shaven and she could smell the scent of his musky lotion, but the lines around his mouth had deepened and his eyes had a bruised look about them. He didn't resemble a man who recently tasted the sweetness of revenge.
He took a step forward and for a moment she thought he was going to take her in his arms. Surely the magnetism between them was too strong to be one-sided, but again she was wrong. He thrust his hands into the pockets of his windbreaker and said, "I want to talk to you, Gina."
Talk to me? Gina thought incredulously. Oh yes, by all means let's talk. Let's be civilized about this and flay each other with words instead of whips. Words don't leave a mark on the body for all to see, they just shrivel the soul.
She swallowed and hoped she could speak. "Of course. What is it you want?" It came out pretty well considering that her whole body was quivering.
He frowned. "Not here. Come to the house with me."
"No!" she exploded, then took a deep breath and started again. "I'm busy. If you want to talk to me it will have to be here."
He sighed. "All right, but let's go upstairs. Peg can handle things down here."
He didn't give her a chance to protest, but took her by the arm and led her out of the shop and upstairs to her apartment.
This wasn't going at all well. She hated him for what he'd done to her but still his touch could turn her bones to water. She didn't want to be alone with him but she knew they had to talk sometime and she couldn't refuse without seeming childish.
By all means let's not be childish, she chided herself. You were a child when he walked out on you the first time. At least have a little pride and act like an adult now.
She unlocked the door and led the way into the living room. It was chilly in the apartment and she turned up the thermostat but didn't take off her sweater or ask Peter to remove his jacket. She didn't want him to think she was settling in for a long session. It was imperative to her sanity that they get this over quickly.
Peter stood by the picture window looking out at the churning waters of the bay and he didn't look at her as he said, "I've withdrawn my objections to the dissolution of our marriage. You won't have any further trouble about it."
Gina put her hand across her midsection as she lowered herself to sit on the couch and it took her a minute to catch her breath and realize that he hadn't punched her in the stomach with his fist, only his words.
She knew she should say something but couldn't trust herself to speak. What was the matter with her anyway? This was what she'd wanted, wasn't it? Now she could be free to either continue as she had been or find another man to love.
The idea was so ludicrous that it made her giggle with suppressed hysteria and it was then that Peter turned to look down at her. "What's so funny?" he demanded.
"N-nothing. I'm sorry," she answered in a voice tight with pain.
Funny? Oh no, it wasn't funny. How could a lifetime of quiet desperation be funny? Peter's revenge was even more complete than he realized. He'd left her with a future so lonely and bleak that she didn't dare contemplate it. Before he came back into her life she'd had Stewart. She could have loved Stewart in a quiet mature way and been reasonably happy with him, but now all hope of a husband and family were denied her. How could she give herself to another man when she was a part of Peter and he was a part of her?
Peter was again looking out at the bay as he resumed the conversation. "The house is yours as I told you it would be. I hope you will live in it but if not it would be best to either sell or rent it. It mustn't be left unoccupied, and maintaining a caretaker is expensive."
He shifted restlessly and clutched the sheer curtain in his fist. "I've also made arrangements for you to receive alimony. You'll be sent a check at the first of every month. If you feel you need more just contact my attorney and he'll arrange it."
Gina sat hunched over, numb with misery. She didn't even try to protest. Peter would never believe that she didn't want his money. All she could do was return the checks each month unopened until he finally understood that she would never accept them.
As for the house… she couldn't think about that now.
Gradually Gina realized
that Peter had stopped speaking and an uneasy silence had grown between them. It was her turn to say something, but what. Thank you Peter for being so generous, that's a lot of money for a one-night stand? Or maybe, Don't leave me, Peter, I can't live without you? If she begged, would he keep her around for those few times when he had no one else to warm his bed?
She clenched her jaws to stifle a sob. She had to stop this. She was on the verge of fragmenting into little pieces that could never be put back together again.
Peter turned slowly and their eyes met. He looked awful and she wondered if he'd been drinking and was going to be sick, but she knew he hadn't been. He was cold sober, but something was bothering him.
Maybe it was his conscience. Did he realize what he was putting her through and find it distasteful? Did he understand that he should have left her untouched if he planned to throw her away? Was he finding vengeance bitter and unfulfilling?
"Don't you have anything to say to me?" he asked softly. He. sounded so forlorn, as though he really wanted her to talk to him.
She shook her head, only wanting to get this over with. If he didn't leave soon she was going to come unglued right in front of him.
He started to walk toward her but then stopped and turned toward the door instead. "Good-bye, Gina," he muttered hoarsely and began moving down the short hall.
"Peter." Gina was as surprised as he to hear herself call his name, but when he stopped and turned to look at her she knew what she had to say.
"What did I do wrong?" It came out as little more than a whisper.
He stared at her. "What did you do wrong?" he asked as though he didn't understand the question.
She nodded. "When—when we made love." Her voice was a little stronger now, but still reedy. "What did I do wrong? Why were you so disappointed?"
Peter still stared at her, seemingly unable to comprehend what she was saying. He walked slowly back to the couch and sat down beside her. Gently he took her face in his hands and tipped it so he could devour her with his eyes. "Oh dear Lord," he breathed, "is that what you thought? That I was disappointed?"
The tip of her tongue flicked between her dry lips as her gaze roamed over his white, taut features. "Yes." She was back to a whisper again. "I wanted so to please you but I didn't know how."
Peter's face seemed to crumble and with a low groan he pulled her into his arms and buried his head in her sweater-clad shoulder. Gina held him and stroked her fingers through his wind-tousled hair, instinctively understanding the massive effort he was making to regain the self-control that had so mysteriously abandoned him. He held her in a crushing embrace but she made no protest as she sought to relieve in some small way his obvious torment. What had she said that upset him so?
They sat wrapped in each other's arms for several minutes, not speaking until gradually Peter's heaving shoulders quieted and his hold on her lessened to a more comfortable degree. Finally he straightened and pressed her head against his jacket-covered chest. She had the impression that he didn't want her to look at him just yet and she relaxed against him and put her arms around his waist.
His heart beat erratically beneath her ear and she knew she wanted nothing more from life than to spend it in the arms of this complex man who baffled her at every turn. If his conditions for that were impossible so was the thought of living without him.
After a while, Peter's breathing and heartbeat returned to normal and it was only then that he spoke. His voice was still shaky as he rubbed his cheek in her ebony hair and said, "I love you, Gina. I love you so much that I honestly don't think I can survive if I lose you again."
Gina caught her breath and held it as she looked up at him and gasped, "But you said…"
He looked down at her and she saw that his eyes were red-rimmed and his face looked ravaged. "I know what I said. I said that you had killed the love I once felt for you, but even as I said it I knew I was lying. In my arrogance I chose to believe the evidence of the picture and Mel Calicutt, and the past seven years without you have been hell. If I'd known where you were I would have come for you but, God forgive me, I believed my parents and Veronica when they said you had left San Francisco with Calicutt so I didn't search for you. I did write to you in care of your parents, though. Please believe that."
Gina was trembling with shock and relief. Peter loved her! She didn't know which was greater, the shock of his confession or the relief that he returned her love.
"I know," she said as she unzipped his windbreaker and pushed it aside so she could eliminate a layer of the heavy clothing that restricted their contact. "I talked to Mama. She admitted that the letters had come to the house and she burned them."
She laid her head against the soft beige velour of his shirt and he began to unbutton the buttons on her heavy sweater. "I can't really blame her," he said as the first button came undone and he moved on to the second. "She had good reason to hate me and want to keep us apart."
The second button opened and he moved to the third. "When you didn't answer my letters I told myself I was a fool for wanting you and tried to erase you from my mind."
He sighed as the third button was released and the sweater parted to allow his hand to stroke her breast through the cotton material of her orchid blouse. "It was impossible. No matter how hard I worked or how far I traveled you were always there to haunt me."
Gina slipped her hands under his loose shirt and lightly massaged the sparse flesh of his bare back. He was so thin, almost bony, and she wondered if he'd been eating enough.
He stretched and almost purred as he said, "Oh, that feels so good. I can't get enough of your touch."
"Can't you?" she asked as she continued the movement. "Then what did I do wrong the other night? Why did you leave me so abruptly?"
He moaned and held her closer as though using her as a shield against the pain her question seemed to cause him. "You didn't do anything wrong, sweetheart. I left because I thought you wanted me to."
Again she raised her head to look at him. "Wanted you to?" she asked in amazement. "Why did you think that?"
"Because of the way I'd treated you!" The words seemed to be torn from him. "Gina, don't you honestly understand? I had just forced myself on you—"
"No!" Gina protested but he touched his fingers to her lips to stop her.
"Yes, I did. I deliberately seduced you against your will because I was desperate. You refused to consider living with me, being my wife, and I was sure that if we just once made love you would know how I felt about you and realize that you felt the same way."
Gina kissed his fingers then moved her head to dislodge them. "But why didn't you just tell me—?"
"I couldn't." He pushed her head back against his chest and stroked her short hair. "I had to protect myself. I couldn't have stood it if you'd told me you didn't want my love."
His arms tightened around her. "Darling, I don't think you understand just how shattered I was by that picture and Mel's confession. Whether or not you were a virgin wouldn't have mattered to me if you hadn't used it as an excuse not to go to bed with me until we were married. I wanted you so bad I would have done anything, but I loved you too and wanted you for a wife. I was so proud and happy on our wedding day and then that picture was delivered. I thought I'd been played for a fool, that you only wanted my money after all, and I couldn't handle it."
She tried to say something but again he stopped her with a finger to her lips. "No, let me finish. I ran away. It was a cowardly thing to do, but I had to be alone to try to sort out my hurt and rage and come to terms with it. For two months I was lost. Literally. I just got in my car and drove. Most of that time is a blur, but when I finally came out of it I realized that I still wanted you, needed you, loved you. I went back to San Francisco to get you and try to make a go of the marriage that had started out so disastrously but you were gone. You know the rest."
Gina had been so engrossed in his explanation that she hadn't noticed when he unbuttoned her blouse and released the
front catch on her bra. But now as his firm hand cupped the nude mound of her full breast a wave of heat swept through her and she reached up and pulled his head down so that his mouth teased her erect nipple.
He lifted her and laid her across his lap where his lips and tongue had easier access to her creamy fragrant flesh. She clung to him and nibbled lightly on his neck, causing him to shiver with pleasure as his hand on her leg moved slowly upward. He raised his head and looked at her, his eyes misty with desire.
"How could you possibly have thought I was disappointed in our love-making?" he murmured thickly. "It was all I had ever hoped it would be and more, except…"
The joy she had felt at his words was tempered. "Except what?" she whispered anxiously.
"Except that never once in those seven years had it occurred to me that you might be telling the truth, that you were still a virgin. When I realized how— innocent—you were I—"
He lifted her away from him almost roughly and sat up, raking his hands through his light hair in a gesture of agitation. "Gina, if I'd been any kind of man I'd have withdrawn and left you alone. It was inexcusable of me to continue, but I couldn't have stopped if my life had depended on it. I'd waited too long and we'd gone too far. I had to complete it!"
Gina felt giddy with happiness. He was upset with himself, not with her! She sat up beside him and took his hand in hers. "Of course you had to complete it, darling. I'd have killed you if you hadn't! Is that all that was bothering you?"
He lifted their twined hands and kissed the back of hers. "No, that's not all," he said wearily. "In that blinding moment of truth I knew that I had wronged you unforgivably and wasted seven long years of our lives in a torment of my own making instead of spending them happily together, loving each other and raising a family."
Gina knew it would take him a long time to exorcise his guilt, but she also knew she must not let it weigh too heavily on his conscience. She removed her hand from his and put it on his thigh, then began caressing him with her fingers. "It's not too late to start that family," she said softly.
If Ever I Loved You Page 15
