by Ava Miles
“Uncensored,” she said, waggling her brows. “You can even call him bad names if you need to get them off your chest. I don’t judge.”
“Are you…” He stopped himself from saying crazy. “Louisa—”
“Trust me,” she said, coming over and patting his arm. “You have a lot of anger stored up. Just let the words come and don’t think too much about them.”
In all his counseling sessions, no one had ever suggested something like this. “You do have some interesting ways about you, Louisa.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” she said, embracing him.
This time he was better able to hug her back, but she still clutched him a little longer than he was comfortable.
“Now go ask my daughter out and have a good time,” she said cheerily when she released him.
He found himself clearing his throat. “Yes, ma’am.”
She didn’t correct him as he left her office. His legs were heavy, and his chest pretty much felt crushed by a boulder. But when the sunlight hit his face, he found himself smiling.
Today he had permission to ask out the woman of his dreams, and that gave him hope more than anything.
Chapter 19
Susannah had tried not to fret all morning, thinking about Jake meeting with her mama. She’d alternately prayed and paced back and forth in her kitchen, drinking tea and attempting to focus on some invoicing she hadn’t completed this week. So when Jake texted her and asked if he could swing by her place, she immediately responded with her address.
After bussing her lips with some pink gloss, she stood by the window and waited for him to arrive. His truck parked on her street not long after, and she watched him carefully as he strode to her front door. His caramel-colored cowboy hat matched his leather jacket and boots. His mouth wasn’t as grim as it had been yesterday, but his shoulders looked tense.
She made her way to the front door and opened it after waiting for him to knock. She’d been raised Southern enough not to appear too eager.
“Hi,” she said immediately, wondering for a moment if she should hug him or kiss him in welcome.
“Hey,” he said softly, making an attempt at a smile. “Thanks for letting me swing by.”
His reserve made her unsure of herself, so she didn’t move to embrace him. “You’re always welcome. Of course, all I’ve been thinking of this morning is about you meeting with my mama and how you’re doing. Come on in.”
She stepped aside, and he entered, taking off his cowboy hat and resting it against his thigh.
“Here, let me take your hat,” she said, but he seemed a little reluctant to hand it to her. Then she realized why. He was nervous. Deciding to take a chance, she stepped close to him and wrapped her arms around him.
“Whoa,” he said, but then he gently returned her embrace.
She rested her head against his chest and felt his heart beating rapidly against her ear. His body was warm, and when she didn’t release him, the tension holding him in place slowly seemed to dissolve.
“I have something I need to tell you,” he said against her hair.
That sounded ominous. “Okay.” Reluctantly, she stepped back, but she didn’t want to lose the connection between them, so she took his hand in hers. “Would you like something to drink?”
He shook his head, keeping a hold of her hand. “No, I’d best get this out first.”
There was something in his face, something that made her heart clutch. She led him to the couch and sat beside him.
Clearing his throat, he took a deep breath. “Your mama gave her blessing for us to see each other,” he began, looking down at their hands. “If that’s what you still want. But then I realized on my way over that I need to tell you…Jesus, this is going to be hard. Sorry, I shouldn’t take the Lord’s name in vain in front of you.”
She scooted closer and clutched his hand. “It’s okay. Whatever you need to tell me…you tell it whichever way works best for you.”
He let out a jagged breath. “I…ah…just need to say it.”
Her heart felt like someone had stepped on it. “I can’t imagine that happening, but why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”
“All right…it’s about my best friend in the Army.” His thumb stroked the inside of her palm. “His name was Booker. I’ve never been able to stop dreaming about what happened…”
She watched his face, wishing he’d meet her eyes, but since he couldn’t seem to, she simply listened.
“I dreamed about it…him…the night before you came to my house to decorate.”
Her lungs seemed to stop working. She remembered how exhausted and beaten down he’d looked that day. Now she was finally about to learn why.
“I’m not proud of what I’m about to tell you, but it needs telling. We were on patrol in an alley…” he began.
As she listened to him describe what happened, she bit her lip—hard enough to taste blood. She couldn’t imagine being in that kind of danger, let alone the horror of having your best friend shot right beside you. Her throat thickened, and she fought the urge to cry. When he talked about all the blood pouring out of his friend’s wounds and how he’d applied pressure to keep him from bleeding out while asking God to save him, his voice broke.
Hearing that tortured sound coming from him, she could no longer hold back her tears. They streamed down her face unchecked. She squeezed his hand hard, sensing his friend had died. Jake swiped at his own eyes, still keeping his gaze averted from her.
He resumed his story, telling it almost mechanically. When he described seeing the combatant preparing to fire at him, she felt like she was in that alley too. All of her muscles locked in place, and she held her breath, waiting to hear the next part.
It took him a moment to continue, and when he did, a burst of anger rolled through her. She wasn’t a violent person. She’d been raised to believe killing was wrong, but she was glad Jake had shot that man. Gladder than she’d ever imagined feeling about such a thing.
When Jake told her that Booker had died, she felt the depth of his agony. It was clear he blamed himself for his friend’s death. And God.
“You had a right to know what happened,” he said in a hoarse voice. “I’m no hero. Not like that woman yesterday thinks. Or anyone else for that matter. I let my best friend down when he needed me most. Sure, I prayed to God, and I’m mighty pissed He didn’t answer me, but I had a role in it too. I could let you down like that, and if I did, it would finish me, Susannah.”
“Don’t say that,” she whispered harshly, tears tracking down her face.
“I…care for you…more than I’ve cared for anyone in a long while.” He finally met her gaze, and the sorrow etched across his face grabbed her heart like a fist. “It’s not just that I have PTSD. That’s not the full truth of things. I feel responsible for Booker’s death, and deep down, I… You deserve better than me, Susannah.”
Then he bowed his head like he was waiting for her to pronounce judgment over him. She did the only thing she knew to do—she raised up on her knees beside him and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.
He jolted and looked at her. In his cobalt blue eyes was surprise—but there was longing too—a longing for love, a longing for absolution.
“I think you’re a good man who was put in a horrible situation,” she said quietly. “One I can’t begin to imagine. I’m so sorry about your friend. More than I could say. But you’re not to blame for his death. Truth be told, I’m glad you defended yourself. I wouldn’t have wanted you to die too.”
His face bunched up.
“I would never have had the blessing of knowing you, and you’re pretty darn wonderful, if you ask me,” she said, sniffing over her own tears.
He blinked rapidly as tears filled his eyes. “No one I’ve cared about…has…ever said that to me.” The words seemed wrenched from his very soul.
Then he squeezed his eyes shut and bowed over. Feeling him lean into her, she nestled against him and l
et go of his hand so she could put her arms around him.
He reached for her and wrapped her in a fierce embrace. “Oh, God,” he whispered harshly, and she could feel him fighting a storm of emotions. “Oh, God.”
“It’s okay,” she said, stroking his back. “You can let go, Jake. Just let it all out.”
He made an anguished sound, still clutching her tightly. And then he broke.
She held him while he cried, crying silently with him. He pressed his face into her shoulder, soaking her shirt.
It was gut-wrenching and beautiful all at once. After a time, his anguish lessened to harsh rasps. He leaned back against the couch, doing his best to take deep breaths, taking her with him.
“I can’t imagine what you think of me…after all that,” he whispered.
She cuddled close to him, trying to ease the shame he felt over crying in front of her. “I think you’re incredibly brave, and that you needed to let that out.” How much more was bottled up inside him?
She pressed another kiss to his cheek.
“Susannah,” he whispered harshly.
“I’m right here, Jake.” She waited with tears in her eyes to see what he would do.
He looked at her with his watery blue eyes, really looked at her. His hand touched her cheek.
“Your brother was right,” he said in that same harsh tone. “You just might be my miracle.”
A smile tugged at her mouth. “What you told me doesn’t change how I feel about you. In fact, it only makes me care about you more.”
He brought her closer to his body, and she fit perfectly—just like she already knew she did.
“Maybe you’re my miracle too, Jake.” And even though she qualified it, she knew it was true. The depth of this connection was a gift. She believed that. His trust in her only magnified her feelings. What must it cost him to tell her this story? But he had gone through the torture of it. Because he believed she deserved to know what haunted him.
“We haven’t even had a real date yet,” he said, stroking her hair, “but the way I feel about you…it’s like I’ve been with you for years.”
“Sometimes it works that way,” she said against his chest.
“You have one last chance to change your mind,” he said, and this time his voice sounded stronger. “I’m a mess. I have survivor’s guilt and PTSD and a whole bunch of other disorders probably.”
It wasn’t like him to be dramatic, but she wasn’t going to point it out. “I won’t change my mind,” she assured him and leaned back so he could see her face. “I want to be with you.”
He let out a ragged breath. “I’ve…tried so hard to overcome my PTSD, but I never seem to snuff it all the way out. It’s like those damn trick birthday candles. Just when you think you’ve blown them out, they relight. And you blow and blow again with all your might, but you can’t stop them from coming back to life. It’s a hell of a thing… It wears on me. I don’t want it to wear you down. That would cut me deeper than anything.”
She chose her words carefully. “I know things won’t always be easy, but we’ll face them together. Like we did yesterday. But I want your promise. You’ll continue to let me help you.”
His head fell back against the couch, and he stared at the ceiling. “You drive a hard bargain.”
“Yes.” She knew she had to press him on this point.
“I gave up making promises a long time ago,” he said, meeting her gaze again, “but I’ll let you have this one.”
Her heart seemed to soar, hearing that. “Thank you.”
He released another ragged breath. “You McGuiness women are fierce creatures, but it seems you work miracles because of it. Susannah…what I told you. Other than your mama, I’ve never told another woman in my life about Booker. Whenever people ask me about that song, ‘Man Down,’ I keep it general. I didn’t even tell your brother the whole story when we wrote the song together. I need you to know that.”
His trust in her humbled her. “I’m glad you told me.”
He blew out a long breath. “I am too, although I wish I’d spared you my breakdown. I should have waited until at least our third date to lose it in front of you.”
Her mouth twitched. “At least,” she tried to joke.
“That reminds me,” he said, leaning in and kissing her cheek. “I have something for you in my truck.”
She let him rise and watched him head to the front door. Taking a moment to settle herself, she closed her eyes and offered up a simple prayer. Thank you, God. And thanks for continuing to help us. Jake might call it a breakdown, but to her, it had been a huge breakthrough—both for him and for them.
When he returned, he was holding a bouquet of flowers as massive as his chest. There were roses in red, yellow, and white, and a collection of exotic orchids mixed with pink snapdragons and purple gladiolas.
She pressed her hand to her heart. “Oh, my goodness…”
He lifted his shoulder sheepishly. “I stopped by a florist on the way…in case you didn’t…ah…change your mind about me.” Then he walked over and sat beside her on the couch, extending the bouquet to her.
Inhaling the sweet smell of the roses, she smiled up at him. “They’re beautiful, Jake. Thank you.”
“Susannah,” he said, taking her hand. “Will you do me the great honor of having lunch and then dinner with me tonight? After all we’ve been through, I have some dates to make up for.”
“Lunch sounds good,” she told him with a laugh. “And dinner. Jake, I…” How could she express all that she was feeling right now? “I’d pretty much go anywhere with you.”
An easy smile crossed his face, the kind she’d seen when he was performing. Her heart lightened at the sight of it.
“That’s how I feel too,” he said, “but I need to ask you something. If we go out in public, people might start talking, and we might not be left to ourselves.”
Yes, she’d had a bird’s eye view of how a public outing might go. People would likely press him for autographs and pictures. He was probably worn out from all the emotion. She certainly was. As for the talk, there was nothing she could do about it, so she wasn’t going to fret.
“How about we get some take out?” she asked him. “We can set something up here.”
He seemed relieved. “I want to take you somewhere fancy…but…”
“It’s okay,” she told him. “Another time. I’m just happy to be with you, Jake.”
He plucked a rose out of the bouquet and traced her cheek. “I’m pretty happy to be with you too. Tonight, I promise you romance. I just…couldn’t wait to see you, is all, which is why I asked you to lunch first.”
She gave him a warm smile. “I’m glad you didn’t wait.”
Sliding the rose across her nose, he tapped it playfully. “You are so beautiful you take my breath away.”
Oh, how those words softened everything inside her. “You’re pretty handsome too. I could look at you all day.”
His eyes locked on hers, and she saw the change in them. There was desire there now. Her belly tightened in response. He leaned in slowly, and she met him halfway. Their lips met, and at first, there was the sense of coming home. As their mouths continued to sip at each other, something stronger emerged. The current ran through her, and she set the flowers on the coffee table and nestled closer. His hand came up to cup her face as his tongue sought entrance. She opened to him without hesitation.
As he continued to kiss her and she him, she reveled in the knowledge that her whole life had changed.
Chapter 20
Though they didn’t go anywhere more fancy than her living room and didn’t eat anything more elegant than pizza, lunch with Susannah was the best date of Jake’s life. He could hardly believe this beautiful, smart, kind, and special woman wanted to be with him. Her smile could usher in world peace, if you asked him, and he didn’t care if that made him sappy.
Now that she knew everything, Jake could admit to himself that he was in love with her. All
the way. Love had not played a large role in his life, but he knew how it felt. Being with Susannah was like writing and play a new song. Magical.
They’d arranged to meet at his house at seven for a special dinner, and Jake was determined he’d give her the kind of date she deserved. He actually called his manager for help—something he’d never done for personal matters—making sure to mention Susannah was capable of inspiring plenty of songs in him.
Before Susannah was due to arrive, he swept one final glance around the room. Hundreds of tealight candles illuminated the den while large white taper candles lined the entryway in hurricane glasses. Fire blazed in the hearth, adding to the warm glow in the room. A profusion of colorful flowers were arranged in large vases around the house. Susannah McGuiness was the kind of woman who deserved romance, and tonight, he was going to give it to her.
He took one final opportunity to check his appearance in the mirror. His tan dress shirt was the one he’d worn to his first Country Music Awards, and he had on the belt he’d commissioned for his first performance at the Grand Ole Opry. Fashioned in silver, it was engraved with an American flag. And his boots…well, he’d brought out his lucky pair, the brown leather ones he’d been wearing the night he was spotted by a talent scout in the Bluebird Café.
His jaw was clean-shaven because he planned to kiss her senseless again. He couldn’t get enough of her mouth and the feel of her body under his hands. But he was going to be a gentleman too. Things were happening quickly between them after being on simmer for so long, and he didn’t want to make assumptions.
When he opened the door, he stepped back to behold the vision before him. Her gorgeous brown hair spilled over her shoulders in glorious waves. Her eyes were a bit darker tonight and lined in charcoal. But her mouth… He couldn’t stop looking at her mouth. She’d swiped it with a dark pink.
“Wow,” he said, leaning in to kiss her cheek, not sure how she felt about him messing up her lipstick so early in the evening. “I didn’t think you could get any more beautiful, but fancy me being wrong.”
