by Ava Miles
The weight of her every hurt and fear welled in her moss-green eyes. “I know about Monty,” she whispered, resting her cheek on her knees. “Oh, Jake, I’m so sorry. He seemed so happy when he visited.”
He felt himself rock in place. “I thought so too. He was a good man. He…I don’t know how he could have done this.”
“Neither can I,” she said quietly. “His poor wife.”
Jake nodded, unable to imagine what that sweet woman was going through. “When I heard the news today…I spiraled out of control. I couldn’t seem to stop it from happening. Susannah…I was afraid that if Monty could do that to himself, what if I ended up doing that to myself—and ultimately, to you.” His voice broke, and he bit the inside of his cheek to keep control.
“Oh, Jake.” Tears rolled down her face.
“I thought working with your mama and loving you would cure me. The love I have for you, Susannah… Well, it’s bigger than any I’ve ever known—even for music—and your love for me…well, it pretty much redefines the word for me.”
Her lips trembled, and this time she wiped the tears streaming down her face. He waited to see if she would speak, but she remained silent.
“The love between us made me feel like we’d move the mountain that had been weighing me down for years.”
“I thought it would too,” she whispered finally.
The agony in her voice called to something fierce inside him, and he felt tears gather in the corners of his eyes. Had she given up hope on him?
“I walked out on you the day of our wedding, and I don’t know if I can ever make up for that. I don’t even know if this is a weight you want to carry. Susannah, I felt more broken today than I ever have, and it scared me to my core.”
She reached her hand out tentatively, almost like she was scared to touch him, and laid it on his arm. That hesitation squeezed his heart.
“You’re not broken, Jake. I know this episode was bad, but it’s nothing you can’t overcome. I believe that.”
His whole chest lifted at her words. “I broke my promise to you about stepping back.”
Fresh tears welled in her eyes and spilled over. “Yes, you did. And it hurt me, Jake, even though I know you didn’t mean to.”
“I’m so sorry, honey,” he said hoarsely, covering the hand she rested on his arm. “Can you ever forgive me?”
“Of course I forgive you,” she said immediately.
How could he believe she’d do anything different? She believed in the importance of forgiveness. “I’m humbled by that. More than I could ever tell you. I want to be worthy of you and your love, Susannah.”
“You are,” she whispered.
He wanted to caress her cheek, but he was afraid it was too soon to touch her like that.
“Let me tell you what happened after I left.”
She nodded, and he opened the palm of his hand to her, inviting her to hold it. For a moment, she studied it. Then she slowly put her hand in his.
Breathing a huge sigh of relief, he continued, “I drove. I didn’t know which direction I was going. I just…drove. I found myself on a country road in the middle of farm land. The storm had been going something fierce, and the sun suddenly broke through the clouds. Half the sky turned a brilliant blue while the other half continued on storming in darkness. I saw a line of colors shimmer in the distance. At first I didn’t know what it was…”
“It was a rainbow,” she said in a hushed tone, tears falling unchecked down her face again.
His throat closed with the memory. “Yes. I stopped the truck, and as I watched, that rainbow sailed across the sky. The half that had been storming seemed to fade in the face of all that brilliant light—almost like it was no match for it. That rainbow finally stretched across the whole sky. I knew it was a sign, a sign for me to come back. That God was helping me. That there was hope for me yet.”
“Didn’t I tell you?” Her lips were trembling now. “There’s always the promise of rainbows.”
He clutched her hand. “I was filled with such peace. I knew what I wanted again. I wanted to live. I wanted to be married to you. I wanted to make my life with you, Susannah. I love you. God knows how much!”
He knuckled away the tears rolling down his face. A cool hand touched his jaw, and he met her gaze.
“I love you too,” she whispered hoarsely.
Closing his eyes, he let that simple benediction roll over him. “You need to know that I don’t want to be a victim to this regardless of what happened today, but if it’s given you pause… I totally understand.” Even though it would break his heart all the more.
She clutched his hand, forcing him to meet her gaze.
“I don’t think I could ever stop loving you,” she said in a tear-clogged voice. “The words in those wedding vows I planned to say today…every word is from my heart, just like the ones I told you the first night we made love. Those vows are a promise. Right now, they feel like a promise of rainbows, like the one God gave you today. I believe in us, Jake. Even after today. And I always will.”
He lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose hard, trying to control his emotions. Her love for him… He’d come to believe it truly was a miracle, but he was so humbled in the face of it. “Susannah, I want to give you rainbows and babies and laughter, and I always want to give you my best. I’m…just not sure I always can. Today showed me I still have a long way to go.”
He felt her scoot closer. “So, you keep working at it. Jake, I won’t leave you to do this alone.”
The rainbow might have filled him with peace, but her love filled him with new hope. “I want to promise you that this won’t happen again, but I can’t.”
Her face fell, and he rushed to continue, “What I can promise you is that I will continue to choose life. I wasn’t tempted to hurt myself—like Monty.” He had to take a moment as the knife of those words pierced his throat. “Living isn’t simply existing. Your mama helped me see that. It’s being present and being engaged with the people around you. I want you to pray with me that God continues to help me with that.” After seeing the rainbow today, he didn’t simply know he had heaven’s support. He believed it.
“I always pray for you something fierce, Jake Lassiter,” she said, “and I won’t lie and say today didn’t scare me to my core. But that rainbow today… Jake, it was more than a sign. It was a miracle, and I have to trust God to help you more than I ever could.”
He nodded, seeing the light of that rainbow in his mind. Peace filled him again, and it became easier to draw breath. “When I decided to marry you, I was making a stand against all that shit.”
She let out a shaky sigh. “You need to know that I don’t blame you. But you also need to know that you leaving today brought back all that stuff from when my daddy left us.”
“Oh, honey,” he said, lowering his head until their foreheads touched. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think.” And how selfish was that? He’d been totally caught up in his own problems.
“I only told you because you need to know how I feel too. We’re partners now—in good times and in bad.” She made a valiant effort at a smile.
“I think today redefines bad,” he said, rubbing his head against hers in comfort.
“Moments ago you said my love redefined the word for you. Maybe you need to trust that.”
Maybe he did. “I don’t doubt your love for me, and I don’t want you to doubt my love for you. But I…hate weighing you down. Susannah, it’s dark shit. Pardon my French.”
“I’m not most people.” She rushed into his arms, the embodiment of every promise, every loving word she’d said to him.
“Don’t I know it, and that makes me the luckiest man in the whole world. Susannah, I’m going to want you until I fall asleep and meet my Maker.”
She was crying softly now.
“And when I meet Him,” Jake continued, “I’m going to thank Him for giving me the best woman in the world to love.”
“Oh, Ja
ke, I love you,” she breathed over his skin like a potent benediction.
As he held her against his heart, he felt her love begin to heal the hollow parts inside him.
Chapter 32
Susannah stood in the wings as Rye Crenshaw finished his opening set for Jake’s charity concert for veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress. Jake already had his guitar resting against his chest.
They were holding hands, and he was playing with the diamond ring he’d put on her finger only three weeks ago at their small, private wedding. This time, they’d planned an even smaller wedding than their first aborted one, and it had been perfect in every way.
Her mama came up beside them, smiling, and gave Jake a warm hug. “I just finished having a long talk with Booker and Monty’s widows. They’re lovely women. You were right to invite them to the pre-concert party in your dressing room. I know it was hard on y’all, but it’s the way healing works.”
Jake was the one who’d arranged for his old Army buddies to attend the concert with other veterans, one of whom was the brother of that waitress from Sweetwater. Jake had specially requested that Howard be present, and given all the attention the media was giving this concert, the Army had agreed to arrange it. It felt right for him to be here tonight, almost like they were coming full circle from that first episode Susannah had experienced with Jake, an episode that had only strengthened their bond.
But it was at Mama’s gentle urging that Jake had included Booker and Monty’s widows. The fear that they might deny his gesture had weighed on him something mighty. He’d cried in Susannah’s arms after receiving their RSVPs.
“I’m glad they came,” Jake said, rubbing his eyes. “I wasn’t sure May would so soon after…Monty’s death, but Diane…well, that was a total surprise. She said she doesn’t blame me anymore, and I…God, I needed to hear that.”
That revelation had reduced him to tears. He’d excused himself after talking with the sad-eyed woman, and Susannah had followed him and held him through the storm.
“You’re doing a wonderful thing here, Jake,” Mama told him, patting his chest in comfort. “Not just for others but for yourself.”
“Thanks, Louisa. You’re an angel,” he added, and as far as Susannah was concerned, Mama had more than earned her wings, helping Jake like she had.
She and Jake had gone from two sessions a week to three after his last episode. Often Susannah would come home to find him working diligently on the homework Mama had given him. He’d only had one nightmare, which he’d told her about in the dark of night after being sick in the bathroom.
Her heart had shattered to see him that way, but she’d listened to him and held him until he once again fell back to sleep. She was learning how to be his helpmate each day, and he was doing the same for her by being present when they were together and sharing how he felt even when he had trouble putting it into words. His continued healing was awe-inspiring and humbling, and she felt God’s hand guiding them every step of the way.
“You’re going to do great, honey,” Susannah assured him.
“Right,” he said, breathing out deeply. “I’m trying to remember that.”
“Can Scout and me come closer to the stage, Jake?” a sweet little voice suddenly interrupted. “He can’t see very well from back there.”
Susannah looked down to see the little girl tugging on Jake’s shirt. It was hard not to smile, particularly since Annabelle was holding the pink leash for the new labradoodle she’d insisted on choosing as a wedding present for Jake and Susannah. Jake hadn’t been ready for the puppy yet. He’d spent so much time delving into the past and trying to heal lately that he was still feeling too raw to add another new element to his life. So he’d asked Annabelle to take care of Scout until he was ready to take on the responsibility, to which she’d responded, “I’m pretty responsible.”
“Scout can’t see, huh?” Jake asked crouching down and petting the cream-colored puppy. “Are you sure he won’t bark? I’m going to be singing in a few minutes.”
Susannah shared a look with her mama. Her mouth was twitching like hers was.
“He won’t!” she assured him with an emphatic nod. “I promise. We had a talk in the car like Uncle Rye does with his dogs. He wouldn’t dare misbehave. Scout knows tonight is really important for his family.”
The puppy wagged his tail like he completely understood every word Annabelle had said, and after seeing the little girl work her magic, Susannah wasn’t the least bit surprised.
“Okay then,” Jake said, tapping her on the nose and making her laugh. “Y’all can stay here with Susannah and Louisa.”
Susannah looked over her shoulder and gave her brother a nod that she had everything in hand. He wasn’t the kind to bolt forward and drag the little girl back like some daddy’s might.
“Get ready, Jake,” one of the stage hands called out.
Rye finished strumming his guitar in a dramatic sweep and lifted the instrument overhead and thrust it into the air. The crowd went wild.
Jake tucked her hair behind her ear and then kissed her lightly on the mouth. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she whispered.
“Y’all are so cute,” Annabelle said, making them both laugh.
Susannah watched as Jake joined Rye onstage. The two men hugged, and Rye pretended to lift him off the ground. Susannah knew he was helping Jake with his nerves. After waving to the crowd, Rye walked off stage and crouched down beside Annabelle and Scout.
“Good evening, folks,” Jake called out, sitting on the bar stool in the center of the stage. “Thanks so much for coming out tonight. I’ve done a lot of concerts—some of them celebrating the incredible men who are currently serving or have served our country—but tonight I’m talking about something a little closer to home. I’m talking about post-traumatic stress, something I’m still struggling with. Something many of our service men and women struggle with.”
The crowd was sitting down now, and the entire arena had gone from cheering and screaming to quietly intent.
“I haven’t talked about it much because I was ashamed of it. People say I’m a hero for serving, but honestly, you feel anything but heroic when you’re struggling with PTSD.”
He cleared his throat, and she clutched her hands, silently praying God would help him find the words to make this easier for him.
“You see, a friend of mine recently committed suicide.”
Her gaze tracked to May, who was sitting in the audience. Tears were already running down her face, and Susannah’s heart went out to her.
“We’d served together, and while he’d gotten help for his PTSD, he…just couldn’t make it. No one really knows what he was thinking in those final moments, but if it’s anything like some of the things I’ve felt, I can kind of understand it. He felt broken. Like he’d never get better. Like nothing he could do would ever fix him.”
The spotlight illuminated the tears in the corners of his eyes, and Susannah prayed he could keep it together enough to continue.
“Many of you may be surprised to hear that the suicide rate among veterans is fifty percent higher than among non-military people. That’s something I hope we can change by being more open about this horrible disorder affecting so many of our vets.”
Jake patted his guitar and bowed his head.
“I’d like to take a moment of silence for my friend, Monty, and for all the service men and women who have taken their lives.”
A picture of Jake and Monty flashed onto the screen, and Susannah held her breath, seeing Jake in his Army uniform. Monty looked young and handsome, and it hurt her heart to think about him taking his life in quiet desperation.
Susannah lowered her head, and she felt her mama take her hand. Someone took her other hand, and she noticed Shelby had sidled up beside her with Sadie on the other side. A large hand came and rested on her shoulder, and she looked behind her and saw J.P with Rye and Annabelle. Her family had formed a unit around her, and the
y prayed with the rest of the audience.
Susannah felt grace wrap around her and fill the entire arena, so much so that chill bumps broke out across her skin. God was here. She could feel it. And she added a prayer of thanks. She and Jake wouldn’t be together if not for God’s help, and she knew it was grace that would keep them together.
“Thank you,” Jake said quietly. “You might have heard that I recently married the most beautiful and loving woman in the world.”
When he looked over, she couldn’t keep the smile from spreading across her face. “I love you,” she mouthed.
He mouthed it right back. “I’ve been doing therapy for my PTSD for five years now, on and off, but I can tell you that being loved by the sweetest woman alive and loving her has simply changed my life forever. And I’m grateful. My mother-in-law, Reverend Louisa, has a saying that God always brings us a miracle when we need it the most. Well, I needed a miracle, and God brought me my Susannah. But he also brought me a rainbow in my greatest moment of despair, and that’s the song I want to sing y’all tonight. It’s called ‘The Promise of Rainbows.’ ”
He strummed his guitar, and even though Jake had played the song for her before, she felt tears track down her cheeks as he started to sing the words he’d written from his heart.
I came home broke.
I came home afraid.
I laughed less.
Barely said a word.
I didn’t trust myself.
I didn’t trust God.
I lost my dreams.
I lost myself.
But I picked up my guitar,
And I started to strum.
A melody flowed, and words gathered some.
I found my voice.
