They got the poor woman onto the stretcher and sent her on her way then it was on to the next person and the next, each one seemingly more bloody and battered and shocked. By the time they left the lab over an hour later, Holly felt as though she’d just glimpsed what hell might be like.
A decontamination unit had been set up right outside the building so they were ushered straight there. They were hosed down then, in turn, stripped off their protective suits and went inside the unit where they had to undress completely and shower. Holly knew how vital it was to ensure that any chemical residue was thoroughly washed away so dutifully soaped and rinsed, although she would have felt much happier if the water had been hot instead of merely lukewarm. By the time she left the shower and slipped on a gown, her teeth were chattering and she gratefully accepted the cup of tea that was handed to her.
Ben followed her out a few minutes later, looking blue-tinged with cold and shivering so hard that his teeth were chattering. Holly looked at him in concern. ‘Are you OK? Here, have this tea. It will warm you up.’
‘No, you drink it. You need it just as much as I do.’
He smiled but she’d seen the expression that had flashed across his face and knew that he thought she was worried because she was thinking about his cancer and everything. It was just so ridiculous that she almost laughed out loud, only she knew that if she started laughing then she’d end up crying. It made her see how impossible it would be to live together if every time she said something Ben would think she was referring to his illness. Maybe it did loom large in her thoughts—she didn’t deny that—but Ben was more to her than a body that had malfunctioned. Ben was Ben and, with or without the cancer, she would worry about him because that was all part of loving someone—to care when they were ill and want them to get better.
By the time the tea had been drunk, Holly was feeling about as low as she could get and was glad when the pilot came to tell them that they were returning to base. They landed at the hospital ten minutes later and she immediately went to get changed. She kept a spare set of clothes in her locker so she took everything to the ladies’ loo and got dressed in there, using the hand-drier over the basins to dry her wet hair, then went through to the department. The influx of patients from the explosion meant that everyone who wasn’t suffering from a life-threatening injury had been asked to leave but the place was still chock-full. Sean was in Resus, working on the young woman with the multiple injuries, and Max was in Theatre. The man with the partly severed hand had been sent upstairs and was currently being dealt with by the microsurgical team.
Holly filled in wherever she was needed, standing in for the nurses if it was necessary. She was part of the team and she wasn’t averse to covering any gaps. She saw Ben briefly on his way to Men’s Surgical with one of the firemen who’d been injured but there wasn’t time to say anything to him. Anyway, what was there to say? Yes, I care about you having cancer and worry if it will come back but it doesn’t define you as a person. You are still the same person to me, the one I’ve always loved and always will.
It was how she felt but putting feelings into words only seemed to dilute their meaning. Anyway, Ben should know how she felt without her having to tell him. He should know in his heart and his soul that nothing would change the way she thought of him, that to her he would always be the only man she would ever truly love.
The day seemed never-ending and Ben soon lost count of the number and range of injuries he dealt with. He did his job and did it well, but he’d tuned himself out. It was a defence mechanism because he’d seen sights that day he’d never expected to see outside a war zone. The thought that someone had deliberately inflicted such terrible injuries was too much to deal with so he tried to shut it all out and succeeded—to a point. However, each time he saw Holly’s pale, strained face his heart twisted that little bit more. He desperately wanted to comfort her but knew that he couldn’t. He had to let her go for her sake if not for his own so it was a relief when she went home because at least he didn’t have to continually fight his own instincts and emotions.
It was almost eight before he felt he could safely leave and he was so tired by then that he could hardly walk straight. He meandered towards the staffroom, groaning under his breath when Julie Kilbride, the night sister, called him over. He was tempted to ignore her but she had a man with her and Ben could tell they both wanted to speak to him.
‘Ben, this is Jacqueline Baxter’s husband…the lady from the laboratory with the M.I.’ Julie waggled her eyebrows at him, obviously trying to convey some kind of message, but his brain was so clogged with tiredness and horror that it was hard to grasp what she meant.
‘M.I,’ he repeated uncertainly.
‘Multiple injuries,’ Julie mouthed behind the man’s back, and the penny suddenly dropped.
Ben’s heart sank because Jacqueline Baxter had been barely clinging to life when they’d sent her to ICU and he hadn’t rated her chances very highly. ‘I’m so sorry about your wife,’ he said sincerely. ‘I’m afraid I haven’t had a chance to check how she is since we sent her upstairs to ICU.’
‘Jackie died an hour ago.’
Ben grimaced. ‘I’m very sorry.’
‘Thank you.’ Mr Baxter looked round and Julie nodded pointedly towards the relatives’ room so Ben took the hint and shifted his exhausted brain up a gear.
‘Perhaps you’d like to go somewhere a bit more private?’
‘If you don’t mind, Doctor. I mean, you were on your way home and I don’t want to keep you…’
‘It isn’t a problem,’ Ben assured him, and meant it. He led the way into the room and sat down, waiting patiently while Mr Baxter went to the window. The man was obviously trying to gather his thoughts and Ben didn’t want to rush him.
‘I just wanted to thank you for what you did, Dr Carlisle,’ the man said at last, turning to him. ‘One of the policemen told me that you and another doctor risked your lives by going into the lab and I want you to know how grateful I am.’
‘I only wish we could have done more,’ Ben said truthfully.
‘So do I, but you can’t perform miracles. Jackie was too badly hurt and I don’t think anything could have saved her.’ The man swallowed hard, struggling for control. ‘At least I was able to be with her when she died and that’s something I’ll always be grateful for. Oh, she wasn’t conscious but I know in here…’ he tapped his chest ‘…that Jackie knew I was with her and that means so much to me. She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved, you see. Just being with her made my life mean something. I hate it that we’ll never be able to fulfil all our dreams but I had her for five precious years and nobody can take that away from me. Not ever!’
He broke off and started to sob. Ben wished with all his heart that he could think of something to say that would help but he was afraid to speak in case he broke down himself and after a moment the man managed to collect himself.
‘Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say, Dr Carlisle, so I won’t keep you any longer. Thank you for giving me that time with Jackie. I’m truly grateful to you.’
Ben stood up and shook his hand, murmuring something he hoped was appropriate although he had no idea what he’d said. Mr Baxter left after that but Ben sat down again because his legs would no longer support him. The man had been grateful for a few minutes and yet he was denying himself and Holly the chance of possibly having weeks, months or even years together. Why? Because he was afraid that she might pity him? Because he wanted more than crumbs? Because he was too bloody selfish to realise how lucky he was!
He stood up, his heart beating all out of sync so that he felt breathless and excited and scared at the same time. He was taking the coward’s way out, running away because his emotions had been battered and bruised and he didn’t want to risk getting hurt again. But if he could find the strength to explain how he felt to Holly then maybe they could reach a compromise: she would agree not to pity him too much and he’d promise to be content with what they had
now and not yearn for what they’d had then.
It could work…if Holly really did love him. Did she? Could she? Would she—for ever and always?
He didn’t realise he was running until he saw the surprise on Julie’s face as he raced past her. He ground to a halt, grinning inanely as he hugged her. ‘Thanks!’
‘Any time,’ she called after him, laughing as she watched him race across the waiting-room and out of the door.
There was a taxi drawing away so he raced after it and banged on the door until the driver stopped then climbed in and told the man to take him to Holly’s flat. He had no idea what he was going to say to her but he’d worry about the actual words when he got there. After the mess he’d made of everything over the past two years, there was no point aiming for perfection at this late stage!
CHAPTER TWELVE
HOLLY was slumped in front of the television when the doorbell rang and she sighed as she hauled herself to her feet because it was probably Nicky. It was the third time that week her friend had forgotten her key and Holly had teased her about it the last time, telling her that her absent-mindedness had something to do with Gabriel, and Nicky hadn’t denied it.
Was Nicky falling for the handsome new paramedic? Holly wondered as she pressed the button to release the lock on the front door. Probably, and the thought made her feel all churned up inside because it didn’t seem fair that other people were falling in love when she was so desperately unhappy.
She opened the front door to the flat then padded back to the sofa and curled up again. She’d put on pyjamas when she’d got home and a pair of fluffy pink bedsocks because she’d still felt chilled from that shower. Maybe she’d caught a cold which would turn to pneumonia, she mused. She’d be admitted to hospital and Ben would come and visit her. And when he saw her lying all pale and wan in the bed then he’d be so overcome that he’d change his mind…
Oh, hell! How pathetic could she get?
‘Holly?’
Holly yelped when she heard Ben’s voice. She shot off the couch and spun round. He was standing by the door and the expression on his face was something to behold—pain, anguish, joy, hope, regret…She ran through the full list of emotions, mentally ticking them off as they appeared until her head was positively spinning, yet not one of them explained what he was doing there.
‘I need to talk to you.’
‘What do you want?’
Ben grimaced as he answered her question before she’d actually asked it. He took a couple of steps that brought him that bit nearer then stopped when she glared at him.
‘Hold it right there,’ she ordered in a tone that would have stopped a charging elephant in its tracks. ‘I don’t know what you’re doing here—’
‘I need to talk to you,’ he repeated with a patience that made her want to throw something at him. Sadly, she only had a cushion to hand and she doubted if it would inflict sufficient damage to make it worth the effort so she glared at him again instead.
‘Well, I’m sorry but I’m not interested in anything you have to say. So if you wouldn’t mind closing the door behind you as you leave, I’d appreciate it.’
She plonked herself back down on the sofa and turned up the volume on the television so she wouldn’t have to hear him going. Tears prickled her eyes but she blinked them away because there was no way she was going to waste any more of her time crying about the wretched man. When a large hand suddenly appeared and gently took the remote control from her, she swung round, more than ready to give him a piece of her mind, but Ben was all ready and prepared.
He tossed the remote control onto the sofa then pulled her up into his arms and kissed her. Holly gasped when she felt his lips plundering hers, groaned when she felt his mouth soften and become so enticing that her bones started melting, kissed him back—albeit with bad grace—when she could no longer resist. She had no idea what was happening in the wider sense but she would worry about that later.
When and if she was able.
The kiss went on and on but Ben didn’t release her until she was clinging to him. He studied her reddened lips and passion-drugged eyes then nodded. ‘That’s a start, at least. You’ve had your pre-op medication so now we can get down to business properly.’
‘Properly…’
‘Properly,’ he repeated in a husky murmur, because his mouth was far too busy finding its way back to hers.
Holly shuddered when she felt the warm, enticing pressure of his lips but, tempting though it was to let him carry on, she had to make him stop. There was just too much at stake to risk making a mistake.
‘Ben, stop!’ She put her hands on his chest and managed to force an inch-wide gap between them. ‘What’s this all about? If this is some kind of a game, I really can’t handle it.’
‘It isn’t a game.’ He kissed her brow with all the reverence and reserve of a Victorian lover then smiled tenderly at her. ‘I love you, Holly. I was an idiot to try and shut you out of my life. I was afraid, you see, and couldn’t stand the thought of you pitying me, but I’ve learned my lesson. If you love me because you pity me then I’ll accept it—Oof!’
He doubled over as she gave him a hefty shove in the ribs that forced him to release her. Holly had felt angry on a number of occasions recently but she couldn’t recall ever having felt so furious before. She rounded on him, her green eyes spitting fire.
‘I don’t pity you, Ben Carlisle! Why should I when you’re making a first-rate job of ladling out all the pity any man could need all by yourself? Yes, I’m sorry you were ill. I’m also scared in case you are ill again in the future, but that’s it. If I love you and it’s the biggest if in the world at this moment, I have to tell you—then it’s because of who you are and not because you’ve had cancer. Is that clear?’
‘I…um…I think so,’ he spluttered, looking rather red in the face.
‘And as for you being big enough to accept my love, well, you should consider yourself lucky that I haven’t just told you to get lost!’ She put her hands on her hips, mentally gearing herself up for the next round…only it didn’t happen the way she’d expected it to. She blinked when she heard the raw apology in his voice.
‘I’ve made a real mess of things again, haven’t I? Every time I open my mouth my foot lands in it.’ He chuckled and maybe it was the lack of oxygen that made it sound like the sexiest laugh she’d ever heard and maybe not, but Holly felt a tremor run through her.
‘You have. At least you’re right about something!’ she shot back, but even she could tell there wasn’t much conviction in her reply. When Ben reached out and pulled her towards him she didn’t bother resisting because there was no point. They both knew what was going to happen—she was going back into his arms, he was going to kiss her again and then…
Five minutes was all it took. Holly counted them. One for the kiss. Two to reach her bedroom. Two more to get them both out of their clothes and onto her bed—a record by anyone’s standards. She pressed her mouth against Ben’s stubbly jaw and grinned. ‘I hope you’re going to slow down from here on.’
‘I can’t guarantee it but I do promise to make up for it,’ he muttered because his mouth was busy, too.
Holly smiled when she felt his lips nuzzle her left nipple, shuddered when he suckled it, gasped when his mouth travelled down her body so that his tongue could dip delicately into her navel. She wanted to return his caresses, arouse him as much as he was arousing her, but she was already too near the edge to take that risk. Fortunately, so was Ben. One more kiss then he was smiling at her with eyes full of love.
‘Will you hate me if I can’t hold on any longer?’
‘Only if you hate me because I can’t either,’ she said, biting his shoulder as she guided him inside her.
They made love with a passion that bordered on frenzy so they were both slick with sweat and gasping when it was over. Holly glanced at the bedside clock and chuckled.
‘Ten minutes from start to finish, Dr Carlisle. Is that a record?
’
‘Don’t get smart. You’re going to regret teasing me,’ he threatened, drawing her into his arms and nuzzling her hair. ‘I have the rest of the night to prove I can make love to you any way you prefer—fast, slow, medium…’
‘All three at once?’ she said, laughing at him.
‘Or all three at once,’ he confirmed deeply. He kissed her softly on the mouth then looked into her eyes. ‘I love you so much, Holly. I can’t promise you eternity but I can promise you more love than any woman has known before. Is it enough for you to take a chance on me, do you think?’
‘It’s more than enough.’ She kissed him lightly on the mouth, smiled back, loved him with her eyes and her heart and her soul. ‘I only ever wanted your love, Ben, and I can cope if it doesn’t come with a twenty-year warranty. Yes, I shall worry about you and probably cry the odd tear because I’m only human and I’d like to know that we have for ever and ever. But I’m willing to risk the long term so long as I can have the now, the this-minute option. We’ll live one day at a time and who knows? All those single days might add up to a whole lifetime in the end. But one thing I do know is that if we don’t live them then we’ll never find out, will we?’
‘And what about children?’ His voice roughened because her words had touched him so deeply. ‘What if—?’
‘There are no what ifs. We’ll face that problem when the time comes. Not now but then, after we’ve lived a few more days, one at a time. Together.’
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