"Really?" Jamie asked, not having been filled in on any of the rest of Ryan’s day. "I recall that you mentioned you took Caitlin out to lunch. Is that what you mean?"
Boy, she never misses a thing, Ryan thought glumly. She might not tell me she caught something, but she stores it all away up in that cute little head. "Yep. Caitlin and I were at Mass yesterday, and Sara came in and joined us." She saw a twitch in Jamie’s cheek but her face otherwise remained impassive.
"So you had lunch together?"
"Yeah. We had lunch, and I told her all about everything I’d found out about what happened to me in high school. Caitlin really took to her, too," she said lightly. "Maybe she does prefer strangers."
"Anything else?" Jamie asked with studied casualness as Ryan again felt the weight of her prescience.
"Yes," she replied softly. "I told her I didn’t want to see her alone anymore. I said I would like to get to know her again, but only when you and I are together."
Jamie stopped in her tracks and stared at Ryan for a long while. "Why?" she asked simply, staring into her eyes.
Ryan pursed her lips and shifted her gaze to the ground for a long moment. Looking up, she sucked in a deep breath and let out a sigh. "Two reasons. One—I know it bothers you, and it’s not something that means enough to me to risk hurting you over. Two—I realized yesterday that I really have no current relationship with her. Everything we have is from seven years ago. When I’m with her, I keep imagining that we’re both like we were then, but we’re not that way any longer, so it’s not like a real relationship. And if I’m going to build a new relationship with her, I want you to be involved too."
Jamie nodded her head, but the mere set of her posture told Ryan that she didn’t buy that explanation. She looked up at Ryan and said, "It’s too painful…and too tempting, isn’t it?" Her eyes bored into Ryan’s, compelling her to admit the whole truth.
Ryan closed her eyes and nodded. She was moved deeply by Jamie’s thorough knowledge of her inner self, but this knowledge also left her feeling very vulnerable and exposed. It was both reassuring and terribly uncomfortable, and she was sure that duality showed on her face. "I told Sara how sorry I was that I had hurt you," she explained with a pained look on her face. "I explained that I would never put myself in another compromising position with her, and that precluded spending time with her alone. I wanted her to understand that my love for you is paramount, and that I would never do anything to make you doubt me again."
Jamie looked at the open, trusting expression on her partner’s face for a long time, finding herself completely reassured that the dark woman was telling the entire truth. She opened her arms and Ryan buried her head in her shoulder, soaking up the comfort as quickly as Jamie could offer it. "Thank you, Baby," she whispered. "Thank you for knowing how much it hurt me when you kissed her, and for doing what you have to do to make sure it never happens again. It means so much to me to be taken seriously."
Ryan lifted her head and said, "I do take you seriously, Love. And I take our relationship seriously. That’s why I went a little farther and told her some things that were pretty hard for her to hear."
They started walking again, Jamie confident that Ryan would tell all at her own pace. They had only traveled a few feet when she revealed quietly, "She asked me if I love you more than I loved her."
Jamie could feel her heart stop beating as her stomach revolted and caused her to feel a wave of nausea. She gripped Ryan’s hand harder than she should have, blinking at the startled cry her partner let out.
Ryan stopped and grasped her by the shoulders, turning her so that they stood face to face. "I told her that I couldn’t compare my feelings. I think it diminishes love to rate it or compare it. But I also told her that I would choose you in a heartbeat if given the choice."
Jamie was shocked that Ryan would tell Sara this in such a blunt fashion. "Why did you say that?" she gasped. "That must have hurt her!"
"I felt like I needed to be honest, Jamie. It’s unfair to both of us to have this thing between us."
"What do you mean by ‘thing’?" she asked, confused.
"It’s complex, Honey," Ryan admitted, releasing Jamie’s shoulders and starting to walk again. "I think we both feel that if things had worked out differently that year, we would still be together."
Jamie sucked in a breath, blinking slowly, trying to figure out where Ryan was going with this train of thought.
"But things didn’t go well, and we never got the chance to see how we would do as lovers. Now, I might be wrong, but I got the impression that Sara thinks that if you and I broke up, she and I would get back together and live happily ever after."
"You don’t think that?" Jamie asked slowly, feeling in her heart that was exactly what would happen.
"No, I don’t." Ryan looked saddened as she said, "Sara did some things that showed me who she really is, Jamie. Some of those things are understandable, and forgivable, but some aren’t. I honestly don’t think that I could ever trust her again."
"Really?" Jamie gaped. "I…why?"
"She claims she’s loved me all this time, right? But she’s been out of her parents’ house for all those years and never called, never wrote, and never tried to get in contact with me. She didn’t contact me because she thought I’d be angry, and it wasn’t worth it to risk my wrath. What kind of love is that? Jesus!"
Ryan was clearly frustrated, having spent many hours going over the various scenarios in her mind. "Here’s the rub, Honey," she said earnestly. "If I had never met you, I would have given Sara another chance, given this situation. I don’t think I would have known what real love was, and I would have settled for what she was able to offer me. But now that I’ve known you, and have felt what real love is—I honestly don’t think Sara and I would have a chance. I mean, look at the facts, Baby. You’re willing to give up the most important relationship in your life for me! That’s what love is, Jamie. It’s not just attraction and chemistry. It’s being willing to sacrifice and suffer if need be. I know you’ll do that. I thought Sara needed to know that I had no confidence that she would do that for me."
"But why, Ryan? Why did you need to tell her that? Isn’t it enough that you know it?" Jamie was truly touched that her partner felt this way about her, but it pained her that Ryan had been so brutally honest with Sara. It actually felt gratuitously cruel, and that seemed so uncharacteristic of Ryan, that it worried her.
Ryan blinked back a few tears, took a deep breath and said, "I needed to tell her because I want her to get on with her life, Jamie. She’s stuck in a time warp! The woman hasn’t made one significant step forward since that day in 1992. She hasn’t even tried to find someone to love, she hasn’t come out to anyone, even though she’s confident that she’s a lesbian--she’s living in a fantasy world, Jamie, and I want her to know that it’s just that: a fantasy."
"God, that must have hurt her," Jamie whispered, feeling the pain in her gut.
Ryan nodded, acknowledging the truth of the statement. "It did. But I’d rather hurt her than let her continue to delude herself. I love Sara, Jamie, and I always will. I will do whatever I can to help her get on with her life. I just needed to let her know that, no matter what happens, she and I will never be together."
They walked the rest of the way in silence, their hands linked tightly. When they got to the car, Jamie slid into the passenger seat and asked the one question that still puzzled her. "If you’re so confident that you’ll never be together, why is it still tempting to be with her?"
"I guess it’s the battle between my heart and my head," Ryan decided. "I know that I could never fully trust Sara again, and I would never make the choice to be with her because of that. But I’m still attracted to her, Jamie. All of the things that made me fall in love with her are still there. There’s a pull that I feel when I’m around her that is just too tempting to play with. It’s too evocative, Babe, and it reaches that place deep inside that’s never fully healed from her betray
al. I wish I didn’t feel that way, but I do; and until that attraction dies, I’m not going to take the risk."
Grasping Ryan’s hand and pulling it towards her lips, Jamie placed gentle kisses along the knuckles. Her eyes were closed, and she tried to block out the rest of the world and all of her jumbled thoughts and concentrate solely on the warm, strong hand that she held, feeling like her connection to Ryan was the one thing she was sure of. "I wish that you didn’t feel that way about her," she said softly, feeling like she needed to be completely honest with Ryan, "but I can understand why you told her. It’s... it was a very loving gift…for all of us."
"I just want you to know that I choose you, Jamie. Unequivocally. I choose you over everyone else on earth. You are the woman for me," she whispered fervently. "For the rest of my life."
They sat in the still car, on that warm summer evening, wrapped in each other’s arms, secure and safe in their love.
PART TWO
Traffic was utterly abysmal on this Monday afternoon, giving them plenty of time to chat as they inched along on 101. "You know, Honey, Caitlin’s not the only one who likes being with your mom. I can’t tell you how much fun I’ve had with her. It’s funny, but in a way she doesn’t seem like your mother. I think Maeve seems more like my mother than Catherine does to you."
"I think I know what you mean," Jamie replied thoughtfully. "I mean, I feel like she’s my mother, but our relationship has been more like that of friends for a long time. When I was in high school, things started to change between us. I stopped trying to get mothering from her, and found that we got along much better when we acted like friends."
"Boy, that must have been hard for you. I think that’s when I needed my mother the most. There were so many things that I needed guidance on, and I just couldn’t get some of it from Da or the boys. Luckily I had Aunt Maeve. That’s really when we got a lot closer, you know. I relied on her to help me through some of the rough spots. What did you do when you needed advice?"
"Well, I still had Elizabeth."
Ryan turned and gaped at her, stunned to learn this fact. "You did? I assumed she was only with you when you were young!"
"Oh no," Jamie laughed. "She was still here when I met Jack!"
"That’s amazing," Ryan said. "What does a nanny do when her little charge is in high school?"
"Not a lot, obviously," Jamie agreed. "But she was part of our family by then." She caught herself and amended her statement a little. "Actually, that’s not accurate either. We didn’t eat together or do anything together socially. Mother and I went out to dinner most nights, so neither Elizabeth nor Marta had much to do. But Elizabeth didn’t really have anywhere else to go. She had family in England but she didn’t want to return until her sister was ready to retire. Her sister Gwendolyn was a nanny also, and they wanted to purchase a house together, but her charges were younger than I. So we just kept her on until she was ready to go. She left right before I came to Berkeley."
"Do you miss her?" Ryan asked, not really having a good feeling for how Jamie thought of the woman who raised her.
"In a way," Jamie admitted. "I mean, she was waiting for me when they brought me home from the hospital. I was with her three times more than I was with my parents. She was a sweet, gentle woman who cared for me very well. But she wasn’t my mother, she was an employee, so I never really developed the kind of attachment for her that I might have if we were related. Having a nanny is kind of strange for a child. It takes a while to figure out that they aren’t part of your family, but once you do, it’s hard to ignore that fact."
"I truly can’t imagine that," Ryan admitted. She cast a tentative glance at Jamie as she asked, "Do you want to hire people to help raise our kids?"
"I certainly would not want someone to take over the responsibility for our children. No way! But if we have more than one child, it might be nice to have an au pair to help out during the day."
"You mean like a college student from another country?"
"Yeah, someone who wanted to study in the U.S. in exchange for room, board and a salary."
"Ooh, like some naïve, sexy little French mademoiselle from the country? That’s a great idea," Ryan agreed enthusiastically.
"Or maybe a nice, elderly factory worker from Ukraine," Jamie suggested, batting her eyes innocently.
"You really know how to take the fun out of a good idea," Ryan groused.
"That’s what I’m best at, Honey," she agreed as she leaned in and gave Ryan a wet kiss on her grinning cheek.
Conor returned Ryan’s call as soon as he arrived home from work. "Where are you guys?" he asked, sounding a little grumpy.
"We’re down in Hillsborough," she replied. "Catherine is going to go to Disneyland with us tomorrow, and it made sense to leave from here. Is that a problem?"
"No," he grumbled. "I just thought you’d be here when I got home. I miss you."
God, I’m lucky to have been born into this family, Ryan thought, misting up a little to hear her brother express his feelings. Acting a little impulsively, Ryan asked, "Why don’t you come down and have dinner with us? I’m sure Jamie and Caitlin would love to see you."
He paused just a second before he answered in the affirmative. "You sure? Jamie’s mom won’t mind?"
"I’m sure she won’t, but hang on a sec and I’ll ask." She placed the phone onto her chest and caught Catherine’s attention. "Would you mind if my brother came down for dinner? We’ve been gone so much, he’s feeling a little abandoned."
"Of course not, Dear. Does he need me to have someone pick him up?"
Ryan gave her a puzzled look and said, "No, he has a car."
"By all means, Ryan, I’d love to meet him." As Ryan got back on the phone, Catherine wracked her brain, trying to remember who lived at Ryan’s house. She knew that she had only brothers, but for the life of her, she couldn’t remember how old they were. He must be younger than Ryan, if he’s that needy, she mused. Goodness, it must be hard for those children with no parent in the house most of the time. The poor little fellow.
"Okay, Con," Ryan said. "Catherine is happy to have you. Bring your swimsuit and we can go for a swim after dinner, okay?"
"Cool," he agreed. "Should I bring something? A bottle of wine maybe?"
"Nah, don’t bother." She lowered her voice a bit, and said, "What they have lying around here is a lot nicer stuff than we’d ever buy." Thinking of something they had forgotten, she amended, "We could use some ice cream, though. Can you bring some?"
"Sure. No prob."
"One pint should be enough. Jim’s not home, so it’s just the four of us."
"I know," Conor said. "See you soon."
Huh? How does he know that Jim’s not here?
When the doorbell rang an hour later, both Jamie and Ryan were heavily involved in the dinner preparations. "I’ll get it," Catherine said, making for the living room.
She opened the door and stepped back, blinking up in shock at the massive hunk of beautifully arranged, testosterone enhanced O’Flaherty. My God! He’s like an Irish version of Michelangelo’s David! Her eyes started at the neatly cut black hair, moving down to the piercing blue eyes, the prominent cheekbones, and the full, sensual lips. The godlike man spoke, his deep voice smooth as honey. "Conor O’Flaherty," he announced, a set of dazzling white teeth revealing themselves.
Struggling with her composure, Catherine extended her hand, feeling the large, warm, callused hand envelop hers. "Catherine Evans," she finally managed, gesturing her guest inside. "Did you have any trouble finding us?"
"No. None at all," Conor assured her. "I’ve been here before."
"You have?" she blinked, not understanding how that was possible.
"Yes. I drove your husband’s Acura up here from Pebble Beach."
So that’s how that car got up here, she mused, never having bothered to ask Jim how it had miraculously appeared one day. "Ahh," she said, not wanting it to appear that she didn’t know her husband’s business. "I mus
t have forgotten. That was very generous of you, Conor."
"Believe me," his smooth voice rumbled, "the pleasure was all mine." His white teeth flashed, his eyes narrowing a bit as he said the word "pleasure."
My God, I feel like a schoolgirl! she cried to herself, knowing that she was blushing. Get a hold of yourself, Catherine! The boy couldn’t be more than 25! Even though Catherine had been married at an early age and had not experienced much before that, she was quite used to male attention. She usually shrugged it off, taking it as a small compliment, but rarely more than that. But this man—this gorgeous younger man—was obviously cognizant of her discomfort, and he was clearly playing with it! She found it both compelling and a little frightening, realizing with a start that he gave off the same kind of energy that Ryan showed around Jamie. Maybe they’re just very friendly people, she hoped.
She escorted him into the kitchen, smiling broadly when Caitlin caught sight of him. The baby screamed in delight, crawling across the floor so quickly that she slipped on the smooth stone. Conor stooped, his long body folding gracefully as he swooped the delighted infant into his arms, giving her several dozen kisses as she babbled away, deliriously happy to be in this large, gentle man’s arms. "What a cute haircut!" he exclaimed. "She looks like a little doll!"
Jamie came over and added a kiss and a hug, ruffling her hand through his newly cropped hair, seemingly very comfortable in Conor’s presence. Ryan was stirring something on the stove, and he went to her, still carrying the baby. He wrapped his free arm around his sister, giving her a kiss on the lips as well as a generous hug. Well, maybe he is just friendly, Catherine mused. He certainly does seem well-loved by these three.
Turning to Catherine, Conor asked, "When is Jim back from Zurich?"
She blinked slowly, trying to recall if she knew that her husband was in Switzerland. "I think he’ll be home tomorrow," she said, vaguely recalling the last conversation they had while she was in Newport.
"How do you know where Jim is?" Ryan asked her brother, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.
Getaway - SF7 Page 3
