Just when I felt confident that I knew what to do about Kaz and about Joe, all of a sudden that confidence slipped away. Now was one of those moments, as I waited for Zara to tell me what was on her mind that had her looking so bothered.
“What? What’s that look for? Give it to me. I’m ready.” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood, which seemed to be growing more and more intense. “You’re upset that I’m taking Joe back?”
Zara seemed to be drawing one of her deep breaths. I knew them well.
“Nicole. Whether or not you and Joe choose to try to work things out isn’t any of my business. You know I only want you to be happy. So that’s one thing. I don’t think you’re asking for my opinion about Joe right now, so I’ll refrain from giving it.”
She quirked an eyebrow, which made me laugh. I knew what she thought about me taking Joe back. I didn’t have to ask her to elaborate.
“Okay, then what is it that you seem so surprised by?”
“Well, if I’m being honest, I am surprised about where things are with Joe. We can talk about that more if you like. But my real concern here, and what I want to focus on, is why you aren’t easily accepting the offer that Kaz is giving you with this gig Saturday night. It seems like a no-brainer to me.”
Earlier, when Zara and I had talked on the phone in preparation for the meeting today, we’d discussed my goals of wanting to change my career—of wanting to really focus on music—and what those next steps might look like for me. So I understood her confusion about my hesitation to accept Kaz’s offer. It would seem to be in perfect alignment with my goals in that area.
I knew I was fidgeting a bit in my chair. It wasn’t a comfortable conversation to have.
“I know. It’s just really about Joe—about his show on Saturday and how much he wants me to be there.”
“Nicole, do you honestly mean to tell me that Joe wouldn’t understand you missing one of his gigs to take this new opportunity for yourself?”
No, he won’t understand.
I shook my head. “I’m not sure. It’s not just a show, really. It’s the big kick-off for their new tour. It is a big deal to him.”
Zara was looking at me intently. “And what about the things that are a big deal to you?”
“I know you’re right, but I’m just not sure how to handle it.”
“Is it? A big deal to you? I mean—Nicole, do you really want to make this change in your life? Or don’t you? I certainly don’t want to pressure you into doing something that you don’t want to do. I just want you to be able to have a clear head when you’re looking at your reasons for making the choices that you make. We all need that sometimes, you know?”
I nodded. Everything Zara was saying was true. I knew that the only thing holding me back from accepting Kaz’s offer was Joe—what Joe would feel about it. But maybe it was time for me to start making some choices that affected my life—that would be good for my career. Joe knew that he had my support. Maybe it was time for me to see just how much he would be there for me. I wasn’t asking him to forego his own show to come to mine. I knew that wasn’t a reasonable request. But he could understand that this was something that was important to me and my new career.
“Nicole, what are the tears for?”
I hadn’t even tried to stop them from coming, but they weren’t really unhappy tears. It was more a release of sorts for what I sensed was coming.
“I don’t know. You’re just—you’re making a lot of sense and I know you’re right. I do want this, and I hope as well that Joe will understand.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“Well, then we’ll just have to let the chips fall where they may. And besides, he owes it to me to be at least a little more understanding.”
“At least.”
Zara winked, and I laughed as I pulled Kaz’s number up on my phone, composed the text, and hit send before I could spend one more minute thinking about it.
“Done.”
Zara’s grin was wide.
“So are you and Braden coming to my gig Saturday night then?”
“We are so there.”
She smiled at me as we both stood up from the table to hug.
Rocker Princess, here I come—for real this time!
Chapter 21
Everything had happened so fast. I rushed off from my meeting with Zara to head into work for a couple hours. I’d texted Joe to see if he’d meet me for a late dinner, and when I called Taylor on the way in to work, he said it was fine to knock off early when I explained to him that it was pretty important that I show up for a rehearsal with the guys in just a few hours.
We had only today and tomorrow to work out our playlist and iron out any foreseeable hiccups in our performance the next night. Now that I was on board, I was fully committed to making this the best performance possible, and I wanted the guys to feel confident with me leading the vocals.
I was feeling apprehensive about talking to Joe, for sure; but I had so many things to think about, all of a sudden, that I was trying to push it out of my mind until our meeting later. I’d just focus on one thing at a time, and right now I needed to focus on not being late for work.
When I walked into the store, Taylor and Annie were up front working on a new wall of clothing. They both looked up as I walked in and Annie let out a little squeal.
“Oh my God. I’m so excited for you, Nicole.”
I laughed at the look on Taylor’s face.
“Sorry. I hope you don’t mind. I was telling Annie that you’d be leaving early today.”
I smiled at how red Taylor was getting. He really was a sweet guy. If I were in the market for a new boyfriend, he’d be the type that I should go for—no more rocker dudes. I pushed the silly thoughts aside. No more negative thoughts; I was going to assume that things were going to be just fine between Joe and me.
I reached out to touch Taylor’s arm. “It’s okay. And thanks again for letting me leaving early. I really do appreciate the support.”
“Speaking of support,” said Annie, and I noticed a look pass between her and Taylor. “We want to come.”
I must have looked confused.
“To your gig tomorrow. Can we?”
Now it was my turn to feel my face growing warm. “Oh, sure. But please don’t feel like you have to come or anything. I have no idea how good we’ll be, ya know.”
Annie came around to link her arm in mind. “I’m sure you’ll be great. We’re dying to hear you. Right, Taylor?”
Taylor nodded his head. “Yes, I’d really like to go.”
I smiled and promised to text them the details.
The next few hours flew by as the store got busier. Before I knew it, I was headed to the practice studio feeling really excited now about what was ahead for us.
I knew how to perform. I knew it deep in my gut, and I had all the belief in the world that we were going to be great tomorrow night. I was going to do everything in my power to make that happen, regardless of how I was feeling after my dinner with Joe later.
“Nicole, that sounds awesome!” Zeke called out from across the room. “We are gonna kill it tomorrow night.”
I smiled and Kaz laughed.
“You do sound really amazing. I can’t even tell you how happy I was to get your text this morning.” He looked a little sheepish. “To be honest, I’m not sure how all of this would have played out without you.”
“I’m really sorry that it took me a bit to get back to you with an answer. And I’m sure you guys would have been just fine. You were doing fine before you met me.”
“Hey, no worries. It was us that sprung it on you last minute. And I wouldn’t say that we were doing fine exactly—before you graced us with your mad skills.” Kaz laughed, and I was reminded once again how much I enjoyed his easy-going attitude about everything. “I believed that the right person would come along at the right time and that in the meantime, I’d make do with this crazy lot.” He laughed and gestured to the guys, who w
ere nodding their heads in agreement.
I laughed too as I started gathering up the lyric sheets that I’d been using. “I’ll take this home with me if that’s cool. I wanna make sure that I know the words.”
“Yes, of course. Take whatever you need.”
He seemed to be looking at me rather intently. “You’re gonna be really great, Nicole. I’m sure of it.”
I smiled, feeling more and more confident in my decision to agree to the gig, and in my abilities.
“Alright then. So, we’ll all meet back here tomorrow, say around four—to go over what we need to and any last-minute changes. We can head to the club together or meet there. We’re supposed to be on at ten, and I’d like us to be there to see the earlier band and get a feel for the crowd around eight-thirty at the latest.”
As I left the warehouse, I felt excited in a way that I’d not felt in a very long time. I’d been trying hard to tackle one thing at a time today, and I was hoping that all of the positive emotions I was now feeling would carry into my dinner with Joe. But even as I had the thought, my heart started to pound faster. I was hoping for the best, but there was no mistaking the serious doubts I had that Joe was going to understand about my not being at his show tomorrow night.
I was gonna let the chips fall where they may—that’s what I’d said to Zara and that’s what I intended to do. Either Joe would understand and be supportive, or he wouldn’t. I needed to mentally prepare for either outcome.
Chapter 22
I looked across the table at Joe, laughing as he grabbed my hand for about the tenth time that evening. He’d been especially attentive and affectionate with me ever since we’d arrived at our favorite little Italian restaurant. He hadn’t said a word when I’d chosen the fettuccine Alfredo—something that typically would cause him to at least send a disapproving glance my way.
I hated it when he tried to manage what I was eating, so his acceptance tonight had been much appreciated. But I knew this happy little zone we were in probably wasn’t going to last for long, no matter how much positive energy I tried to direct his way.
“So tell me about your day, babe.”
Our pasta had arrived and I was happy to have my hands to myself again as I took a big drink of my wine, followed by what I hoped was a discreet deep breath to calm my nerves.
“My day was pretty good—very busy, I’d say.” I was eyeing him carefully, trying to think of the right way to tell him about tomorrow. “How was your day?”
“Good, good. Everything’s coming together for the show—the guys are sounding great and I think the venue’s gonna be unlike anything we’ve ever played before. It’s small—more intimate then what the rest of the tour will be—but I think it’s perfect for the home crowd, ya know?”
I nodded, thinking how good Joe looked when he was excited about something. Usually this had to do with his music, and tonight was no exception. It reminded me of the early days and one of the things that had most attracted me to Joe—his passion for his music. It really was something to be admired. I’d always admired that about him.
My heart was pounding and I took another big drink of my wine, willing myself to keep calm and expect the best.
“So, what are you wearing tomorrow? I want you up front and center, where I can see you cheering for me—looking sexy for me.” He was grinning widely and when he reached for my hand again, I pulled it away—not as subtly as I’d meant to—to take a bite of my pasta.
I looked down, focused on my food while I spoke. “About tomorrow night…there’s something I need to tell you.”
I heard the sound of him putting his fork down before I looked over to see his face, his forehead creasing in a sign of worry that told me he probably knew something bad was coming.
Just rip off the band-aid—no sense drawing things out now.
“I’m not going to able to make it to your show, Joe.” I put my own fork down to take another sip of my wine.
Please understand. Please don’t be angry.
“I’d planned on being there, and then Kaz told me about this show that they’d been asked to play and it’s a big deal for them. They really want me singing with them and it’s—I guess it’s a big deal for me to, honey. It’s something I need to do—for myself.”
I finally stopped talking to take a breath and see how Joe was reacting to the news I’d just dumped on him. I couldn’t really blame him for being surprised. Now it was just a matter of waiting to see how he’d react to it.
Please be supportive.
One look in his eyes told me that he was not, in fact, getting prepared to say something supportive.
I waited for him to speak.
“When did this all happen? Did you know about this when we were together the other night?’
“No. No, I didn’t find out about it until yesterday when I went to rehearsal. Kaz only just got asked to do it as a last-minute thing.” I looked down at my food. “And I only just decided to do it this morning. I—I wasn’t sure until today that it’s what I wanted to do—what I need to do. You understand that, don’t you?”
Please say that you understand.
If I could only will Joe’s words out of his mouth, he’d be the most understanding boyfriend of all time. But I had the feeling by looking at him now that it wasn’t how the rest of the night was going to go.
“Nicole, you’re really something, ya know. I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately.”
What’s gotten into me?
I knew that my face was probably giving away the frustration I was starting to feel as I waited for him to continue.
“I expect you to do one thing—to show up for this one show that’s important to me—and all of a sudden, you’ve got so much going on with this so-called band of yours, that you’re too busy to make it. Give me a break!”
He was angry and I was even angrier.
“Yeah, well, I expected you to be faithful to me and that didn’t stop you from doing otherwise. You give me a break, if we’re talking about expectations here.” I could feel the heat in my face and the tears in my eyes—tears of intense anger for the stupid conversation I was having with my stupid so-called boyfriend.
I could see the anger in Joe’s face as well. He wasn’t used to my being so vocal during one of our disagreements. God, it did feel good to speak my mind for once. Even in the thick of this intense conversation, I knew that this was a good thing for me.
After several seconds, he finally spoke again. “You’ve really changed, Nicole.”
Thank God I’m changing.
“And I don’t like this person that you’re becoming.”
I don’t think I like you much any more either.
I bit my tongue because I knew a loud argument and a scene in the restaurant wasn’t going to help matters any.
I watched as Joe stood up from the table and pushed his chair in.
“Look, I’ll put it in simple terms for you. If you want us to stay together, you’ll be there tomorrow night.”
He was giving me an ultimatum. I honestly couldn’t believe it, but in my heart I knew that it only made leaving Joe easier for me. He was not my soulmate—the person meant to be by my side as we supported one another through life’s twists and turns. I was never meant to be with Joe at all. I knew this now as I looked into his eyes.
He seemed irritated at me when I just nodded my head and didn’t say a word, not breaking eye contact with him as he stood there.
Finally, after what seemed like several minutes, he sighed and turned back toward me after he’d taken a step toward the door. “Oh, and let me give you a little pre-performance tip, Nicole. Eating that pasta is not gonna do you any favors regardless of what new outfit you manage to scrape up for your big gig.”
He walked away then and I refused to let the sob escape my throat as I watched him go.
Goodbye, Joe.
Chapter 23
I pulled my stocking cap on as I waited for the other women to finish stre
tching. Most weeks, anywhere from four to six of the women from the B.I.G. Girls Club would get together in the park for a brisk walk, followed by coffee or lunch. The faces tended to change a bit from week to week but usually Zara, Maxine, and I were a constant; today I was counting on their support when I told them what had happened the night before with Joe.
I was feeling shockingly calm about the whole thing and somewhat surprised that I’d kept it to myself so far. I knew when I’d left the restaurant last night that I needed some time to process the conversation and everything that had been said between Joe and me.
I needed some time to process the fact that Joe and I were over.
I knew it was true and I now knew that I was going be okay. Well, I did also have a very busy day ahead of me and a lot of important things on my mind—there was no time for a breakdown today, at least. I smiled despite the grim news I was about to deliver.
Today there were five of us—Zara, Maxine, Jessica, Lucy, and myself. I’d only recently been introduced to Lucy—she was the newest member of our little group, but she seemed really nice and I was glad that she’d made the effort to come out with us today. I made a mental note not to monopolize the whole morning with my own news.
We started our warm-up loop around the path at a pretty brisk rate. None of us were really runners, but lately we’d gotten almost to the point of speed walking by the time we were on our third or fourth loop around the park. I was in a good place physically—possibly feeling the best I’d felt in years.
“So tell us how yesterday went—with the band?” Zara asked.
“Yeah, I have a lot to tell you all, if you don’t mind. I haven’t really talked about everything that happened last night and I probably do need to get it off my chest—before tonight.”
“What’s tonight?” asked Jessica.
“You know that band I’d mentioned to you guys?” The ladies nodded their heads. “Well, we’ve got a last-minute gig at a club. Tonight, actually. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be singing so I hadn’t said anything, but of course you’re all invited. I mean, no pressure or anything. I’m sure it’s not gonna be a big deal.”
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