Daughters of the Mersey

by Anne Baker

  A few days later, he came to the shop just before closing time. As soon as Leonie locked up, he took her into his arms and kissed her. She took him up to the flat and they made love for the first time. Leonie felt she’d been swept away on a wave of delight. It had been wonderful but afterwards she felt guilty about it and confused too, because she was happy at the same time.

  Over the following weeks Nick became a part of her life that she kept hidden, but her feelings of guilt grew. She rubbed along with Steve as she always had. Most of the time he expected her to run around after him seeing to his every comfort, though when he was depressed he didn’t want her near him. But there were other times when he was filled with rage and frustration at what life had dealt out to him, and then he’d get worked up and be hungry for sex. She found it impossible to refuse his sudden demands. He called it passion, but Leonie felt it had nothing to do with love.

  Nick was very different, he was loving and caring and they were growing more serious. Leonie was deeply in love with him. They could meet only at lunchtime or during working hours. Sometimes she went to his house and sometimes he came to the shop. Elaine had furnished the flat above. As well as a workroom, she’d made a comfortable sitting room with big sofas where they could relax.

  One day she remarked, ‘Nick looks very much better. Being included in doing up the shop has given him something else to think about. He seems happier.’

  It was true. He was standing up straighter and had enthusiasm and energy for everything.

  Elaine had been right about the position of the shop. People walked past the window all day. Many paused to look inside where Leonie could be seen sewing. Some came in to talk to her, and soon she had more work than she could manage and had to advertise for an experienced seamstress to work part-time.

  They were swamped with applicants. Elaine helped her sort through them and interview the four they thought most likely to suit them. They both took to Ida, a woman in late middle age, now a widow who had worked all her life in a clothing factory and wanted a job nearer to her home.

  She was buxom and outgoing and tended to mother them. Within weeks, Leonie found her invaluable as she could turn her hand to anything and could be left in charge of the shop which meant Leonie didn’t feel pinned down by the long hours it had to be kept open.

  Nick came often. Sometimes he took her out to lunch but more often than not they sat up in the flat drinking tea. They just wanted to be together.

  One afternoon Elaine returned to the shop unexpectedly having forgotten something and walked into the sitting room to catch Leonie in Nick’s arms. Leonie felt the blood run up her cheeks and couldn’t look at her.

  Elaine recovered first. ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry.’

  ‘Not your fault,’ Nick managed. ‘It’s just . . .’

  ‘To be honest, I have wondered.’ Elaine smiled. ‘Tom has too. We thought it almost inevitable that you’d fall in love. I’m too closely involved with both of you not to see it happening. You needed each other. But don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody.’

  ‘Except Tom,’ Nick said.

  ‘Yes, but he won’t spread the news around.’

  Later, when Nick had gone back to work and they were alone, Elaine said, ‘My advice to you is to grab what happiness you can. We only have one life. Leave Steve, he’s always going to wallow in his misery. I know he lost a leg in the war but lots of other men fared no better. There’s a man in Tom’s office who lost part of his arm as well as his leg and he’s making a go of it. He works hard and plays hard.’

  ‘It’s not that easy,’ Leonie said. ‘I have two children as well.’

  ‘They’re growing up.’ Elaine pretended to be harder than she really was. ‘You should think of yourself now. How old is June?’

  ‘She’s eight. I can’t take the kids away from Steve as well. He’d be left by himself. It would deprive him of everything, but neither can I leave them with him and walk away.’

  So although Elaine knew about her and Nick, it changed nothing. If anything it made it easier, because she stayed out of the way at lunchtime and at any other time if she knew Nick was coming. For Leonie, life was hectically busy but the time she spent with Nick was pure bliss. They discussed everything in his life and hers. She thought she was closer to him than she’d ever been to any other person.

  CHAPTER SIX

  LEONIE’S RELATIONSHIP WITH NICK developed and strengthened; she began to think it would go on for ever, but at the same time her feelings of guilt grew. She felt she was living a lie with Steve.

  One Saturday Leonie got up feeling sick. During the day, the suspicion that she might be pregnant took hold and wouldn’t go away. She was shocked and horrified. Another baby was the last thing she wanted, she loved her children but her family was complete. Another baby now would change everything.

  She made up her mind to say nothing to anybody until she was sure, but she found it impossible not to tell Nick at lunchtime the next day.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ she said. ‘The baby is yours but it’s the last thing I want. I thought we were taking steps to prevent it.’

  ‘We were.’ He was contrite. ‘I thought I was being careful. This is my fault, I’m so sorry. What can we do about it?’ He took her into his arms. ‘What do you want to do about it?’

  ‘I want to find out I’m wrong.’ She put her head down on his shoulder, almost in tears. ‘If I’m not, I don’t know what I can do.’

  She saw Nick swallow hard before he asked, ‘Might Steve believe this baby is his?’

  Leonie had wondered the same thing. A few weeks ago Steve had had one of his episodes of anger and frustration and demanded sex. She’d given him what he asked for, what else could she do? To refuse made him boil over with rage, turn nasty and it prolonged the conflict. To resolve it, she’d always had to give in. But the dates didn’t fit. The baby was Nick’s.

  ‘Perhaps – I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how to deal with this. I need to think about it. Try to work out what would be best.’

  His arms tightened round her. ‘You’re not thinking . . . There are ways. It could be aborted. Not that I know the first thing about how to do it.’

  She straightened up with a jerk. ‘Is that what you want?’

  ‘No.’ His voice was agonised. ‘It’s the last thing I want, Leonie. It’s illegal and I’d be terrified for you.’

  She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘I know it would solve the problem but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.’ They talked it through backwards and forwards many times, while Leonie worried about what she should say to Steve.

  ‘I’ve always longed for children,’ Nick said slowly. ‘But it couldn’t have come at a worst moment for you.’

  ‘The sensible thing is to calm down and wait,’ Leonie said, trying to smile. ‘In a week or so I’ll know for certain one way or the other.’

  The days passed and for Leonie each one confirmed her worst fears. Nick came to see her almost every day but inevitably it brought their relationship to crisis point.

  Nick kept saying, ‘I’ll always love you, Leonie. I want you to come and live with me on a permanent basis. I know we can’t be married just yet but perhaps one day, and in the meantime I shall treat you as my wife. I want you to think of that as a promise.’

  Leonie trusted him. ‘I know you’ll keep it.’

  ‘Bring Milo and June. I know that’s what you want. I’ll love them, make them welcome, because they’re part of you. Together we’ll be the family I’ve always wanted.’

  She wanted desperately to move in with him, she knew that was where she’d find happiness, but she also knew she had to decide this herself. Her business was thriving, she could afford to provide for herself and her children but that would leave Steve on his own. She fretted and worried about what she should do for over a week before deciding that she couldn’t walk out on Steve, she owed him more than that. None of this was his fault. It was entirely hers.

  Leonie t
ried to tell Nick of the decision she’d made but he found it hard to accept and kept trying to persuade her to change her mind. She was scared of how Steve would react when she told him about this baby but felt she couldn’t go on keeping secrets from him. If she was to stay with him, he would have to know the truth. She didn’t like to think of herself as deceitful and she’d found the tension of keeping a large part of her life from him incredibly stressful.

  She would have to let him know exactly how things stood, but the thought of actually doing it terrified her. For days it gnawed at her while she thought about how she would say it. She rehearsed it in her mind and had to steel herself to get the words out.

  That night when they were getting ready for bed, she said, ‘Steve, I’m pregnant.’

  ‘What?’ He sat down on his side of the bed to unstrap his false leg. ‘Pregnant, eh? Well, I’ll be blowed! So there’s life in the old dog yet.’ He rolled on to his back and looked at her. ‘And when is the happy event to be? Not that I see much pleasure in having a screaming baby in the house again.’

  ‘It will be born in July.’ She held her breath. If he told her to get out she knew where to go. Feeling sick and nerve-wracked, she forced herself to go on. ‘This baby isn’t yours.’

  His face crumbled. ‘What? Don’t be silly!’ He stared at her for a long moment. ‘Whose is it then?’

  ‘The father is Nicholas Bailey.’ She reminded him who he was and how she’d met him.

  He exploded. ‘Good God, woman. That’s adultery!’

  ‘Yes, I know it is. Steve, I know this must be hurtful—’

  ‘Hurtful! You’ve got the face to tell me that straight out?’ he raged at the top of his voice. ‘I knew no good would come of you having that shop. If you’d run your business from home this wouldn’t have happened.’

  ‘Please don’t shout. Do you want the children to hear you?’

  That made him rant even louder. He swore and screamed and called her some terrible names and at the same time he thumped his fist on his bed table, knocking over the glass of water Leonie always brought for him. Sweat was running off him and his cheeks were crimson.

  Leonie pulled on her dressing gown and went to the door. ‘I’m not staying to listen to this. It’s getting us nowhere. I’ll go until you calm down.’

  He struggled to get up from the bed to follow her, but feeling for his crutches he over-reached himself and crashed to the floor. He lay there sobbing, pounding the floor with his fist.

  Leonie turned back. ‘Get up,’ she said quietly. ‘I know you can. Get back into bed.’

  ‘You bitch,’ he sobbed. ‘Damn you, I can’t get up! You can see I can’t.’

  He was almost twice her weight and she couldn’t lift him, but with a little help from her he managed to claw his way back on to the mattress.

  ‘Why can’t you be satisfied?’ he raged. ‘I’ve given you everything I could. I’ve tried as hard as I could for you and the kids. I’m sorry I ever set eyes on you.’

  She knew she had to keep her temper. ‘Do you want me to leave?’ she asked quietly. ‘If I go, I want to take the children.’

  ‘No, I’m not having that. My children stay with me. I’ll divorce you,’ he grated. ‘Adultery is grounds for divorce and you’re the guilty one. No court would give you custody of the children.’

  ‘Steve, I am the guilty one but I think they might give me custody. Would a court of law think you were capable of looking after them? You can’t look after yourself. You couldn’t cook a meal for yourself. You’ve never done a hand’s turn about the house.’

  ‘Mrs Killen does most of that. She can carry on.’

  ‘For how long d’you think she’d put up with your bad temper? I’m always making excuses for you. Anyway, without my earnings you couldn’t afford her.’

  ‘I’d find more money from somewhere.’

  ‘You’d need to buy the food and give her some guidance as to what you want done with it. You’ve always shut yourself away in your study and expected to have everything ready when you want it. That wouldn’t work if I wasn’t here.’

  ‘Stop going on at me, how d’you expect me to get to sleep after this?’ He turned over and pulled the bedclothes up round him.

  ‘I don’t want you to go to sleep just yet,’ she said softly. ‘Please stay awake and think about the future. I’ve told you what the position is. Now I want to know how you feel about it.’

  ‘I’m bloody shocked,’ he burst out. ‘I can’t believe you’d do this to me.’

  ‘I know I did wrong and I’m very sorry, but what do you want to do now?’ Leonie was shaking.

  She could see he needed a few minutes by himself to think. ‘I’m going to make us a cup of tea,’ she said. ‘We’re both in need of it.’

  She went to the kitchen feeling agitated but at the same time relieved to have it all out in the open. She hoped Steve would decide on divorce because that would mean she could marry Nick.

  When she returned with the tea, she found he’d put his lamp out and pulled the bedclothes over his head. She could hear him snuffling.

  ‘Steve, have you decided?’ She put his tea on his bedside table, took off her dressing gown and got into bed. Only then did she realise he was weeping.

  ‘Don’t leave me, Leonie,’ he sobbed. ‘Please don’t leave me. I’ll forgive you. I’ll be a father to this baby, just as I am to June and Miles. Don’t take them away. I want us to stay together, nothing need change. I know I’ve made things hard for you at times and I’m sorry for that. I’ll try to be better tempered, and take you and the children out sometimes. I don’t want a divorce. You know I’m not well. I need you here.’ He blew his nose hard. ‘I want us to stay together.’

  Leonie’s heart sank. That brought back to her the promise she’d made to his father years ago. ‘Promise me, Leonie,’ he’d said, ‘that you’ll never give up on him. Promise me you’ll never leave him.’

  ‘I won’t, Edward. I promise,’ she’d said. She’d meant it too. She put out her light and sank back on her pillows.

  ‘You’re my wife,’ Steve said still tearful. ‘You promised before God that we’d stay together until death do us part.’

  ‘Yes,’ she admitted. ‘I did.’

  Steve felt he was touching bottom, caught up in despair so deep there was no way out. He felt unloved, unwanted and useless. Leonie had told him as bold as brass that she’d betrayed him and taken a lover. That hurt like hell, he hadn’t expected it of her. He’d trusted her but even Leonie didn’t love him any more.

  He’d had setbacks before. In fact, things had rarely gone well for him. He spent a lot of time alone in his study so as not to make a mess in the living room and be thought a nuisance, and he’d come to believe that if he opted out of making decisions and left the action to others, less could go wrong.

  That had made him adopt a safe routine like a transparent capsule through which he could look out at life. For years he’d visited George Courtney in the shop on Friday afternoons to discuss progress, but business methods were changing and he didn’t really understand what was going on there. He went no more than once a month now, it had become a social visit; he got there early and George took him out for lunch.

  Today, like most weekdays, he stayed in bed until eleven and then he strapped on his false leg and struggled as far as a pub nearby called the Great Eastern, to have a glass of beer. It had been named after Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s ill-fated ship which had been broken up on the beach not far away.

  During the break-up, the remains of a body believed to be of a workman was found walled up in the hold. It was thought to have been there since the ship was built in 1858. Some of the ship’s fittings, the doors, panelling and the fancy glass from the main saloon had been used to furnish the pub. Steve liked the place, it had been touched by history and it had survived. But his marriage had not. He’d felt sick with shock since Leonie had told him she was pregnant. She’d had no shame, yet he’d had to plead with her not to
leave him. He wasn’t sure he could trust her to stay.

  The Great Eastern opened at half past eleven and the regulars were gathering when he arrived. They all passed the time of day with him. Usually, he quite enjoyed the company of Alfred Williams, a retired tug master, and Walter Duggan who’d spent his working life on a dredger. They called him Mr Dransfield while they were Williams and Duggan to him. As far as Steve was concerned, the pub was the only place where people paid him respect these days.

  They tried to make him feel welcome. Duggan got up to buy him a drink as soon as he walked in. Williams indicated the seat next to him. Steve was always careful to return the hospitality when their glasses were empty, though he had to ignore the fact that they drank pints of bitter while his was only a half. Today, their chatter bored him. They had nothing new to talk about, it had become too much of a habit.

  When the one o’clock gun boomed across the Mersey, they drained their glasses, said goodbye and went home to a hot dinner cooked by their wives. Steve toyed with the thought of another glass of beer but his stomach was turning sour. He limped home to an empty house. It wasn’t Mrs Killen’s day to come so he’d have to forage for something to eat.

  If Leonie went he wouldn’t be able to manage. He felt despairing. Life seemed so hopeless, so futile.

  Leonie saw the future as bleak. She felt very much in love with Nick and was going to miss him terribly, but she’d known all along that staying with Steve was the right thing, he was her husband. To see him weep and plead with her to stay had prodded her conscience. It would be impossible to go to Nick, take Milo and June with her and leave him on his own.

  Steve said several times in the days that followed, ‘Please stop seeing that man. You’ll never settle down until you show him the door.’

  He heaped blame on Nick. He’d seduced her, dragged her into an affair, and he said some nasty things about him. Steve was jealous, but she’d given him reason to be.

  She found Steve’s words and his manner painful but knew he was right. She couldn’t carry on a double life as she had. It had been exhausting and there had been times when her neck had crawled with guilt.