A low keening sound came out of Mum and just went on, endlessly, levelly, as if there came a point when misery heaped on misery couldn’t get any heavier.
‘What?’ I didn’t understand.
Dad hauled his head off the table and looked into my eyes and said, ‘You have to leave.’
And now I understood him fine.
• • •
We never saw Abby again. They’d released her without warning: they didn’t tell her lawyer, they didn’t tell Mum and Dad, they didn’t even tell her, till the last moment. They just took her out of her cell and gave her back her belongings and let her go. Maybe they laughed and told her to make a dash for it. Maybe she did run. I don’t know how far she got before the militia caught up with her. I’ll never know, because they never even gave us back her body.
• • •
We saw Ma Baxter on TV here, Cass. Looked mad as hell, still banging on desperately about Dark Forces though they can’t prove it was murder. No wonder she’s angry. The fun she could have had! I suppose Todd was in quite a state by the time he washed up. The experts on the news here said he was so damaged and decayed they couldn’t tell how he died, and that head wound could have been post mortem, and even Ma B had had to admit it.
The only problem with that, sister dear, is that if he fell in all by himself it would prove there’s a God. So perhaps it was the ghosts in the wood. Perhaps they enticed him in there in the first place. I always liked them.
Okay, I believe you didn’t kill him. I know that now . But can you imagine what I thought when I found that thing in the cave? I nearly came straight home and throttled you, but I know why you and Ming did what you did. And you were right. They would have blamed Dad. It all worked out for the best.
Dark forces, that’s you.
I’m fine. I like it here. I’m eating now, honest. They treat refugees a bit like beggars and thieves, but Ming’s cousin reckons he can get me on a teacher training course, once I get my Immigrant status formalised. They need teachers, apparently. You can tell Mum that. And tell her So There. And give her a kiss for me while you’re at it. I miss her. I miss you all.
Cass, what happened with you, after that terrible business with the mob? How did you get home that day, after you went to Ming’s? I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you. You say Jeremiah hasn’t been seen since, but watch yourself. Watch your back. Please.
I hope he fell in the river too, though. You never know. Maybe there is a God.
• • •
You see how I tell nobody anything? It’s better for them and it’s better for me. I folded Griff’s letter and unfolded it, then did all that all over again. Stupid. If I kept mauling it like this, it would disintegrate. It was just that I couldn’t leave it alone.
I laid it carefully on my bedside table, smoothed down its smudged envelope. Once more I looked around the room, trying to think what I’d regret leaving. There wasn’t much space in the backpack but I’d hate to leave something really important. Apart from my mother and my father, that is, and my friends, and my whole life. You couldn’t fit all that in the bag I’d been allowed.
Wilf was adamant. You’re supposed to be coming with me for work experience. It’s a conference and there’s only two overnights. For God’s sake, Cassandra, you don’t need to take the sodding kitchen sink. How would that look?
He didn’t use the word ‘sodding’, by the way. Wilfred Makunga has some mouth on him, for a One Church rector, but I guess his nerves are shot. That’s hardly surprising. He ferries rebels. He doesn’t agree with them but he ferries them out anyway. Easy because he’s beyond reproach. So far.
He’s ever so high in the One Church: Bishop-elect. It’s one reason I’m not so scared of leaving Dad here, but oh, Wilf will have so far to fall, should anyone decide to push him.
I can’t worry about Wilf, though. I can’t think about anyone but myself, my family. I can’t even dwell for more than a moment on Ruth, Ruth who finally convinced me I had to go, that Dad was right and I had to leave. Not that she ever spoke to me again. The day we went back to school I looked for her, but I didn’t see her, not for ages. That was because I didn’t recognise her and when I finally did, she turned her back on me.
Who knows why? Pride, shame, humiliation, rage? Maybe a combination. Her hair all roughly sheared off, her bruised face stripped of makeup, her shoulders hunched in defeat, her fingers shuddering with a tremor that never stopped. I heard the militias caught up with her and taught her a little humility. One lesson was all it took. She’s no rebel any more. She’s alone; her gang deserted her for their own good, and of course her loyal silent shadow is gone forever. How she must miss him. I miss her, but I can’t think about Ruth.
But before I saw her, I argued. I argued with Dad a lot.
‘You’re going,’ he said. ‘Wilf will take you and you’re bloody lucky. Who’s to know who’ll be last out? Take your chance while you’ve got it.’
‘I don’t want to leave you,’ I cried.
‘You’re going,’ he said again. ‘I can’t go on being this afraid for you. I’ll disintegrate. I’m so afraid for you, Cass, and I’m so afraid for the future, what’s waiting for you here. It’s getting worse, can’t you see that? You’re a girl. You’re my smart girl. You can see that.’
I couldn’t see anything past my tears.
He watched my eyes, watched them wander round the room and come to rest on Keyser Soze, on all I had left of Ming. I felt rotten about it but I still hated that animal.
‘We’ll keep the cat,’ he said. Tried to smile and didn’t make it.
‘Come too,’ I begged. ‘You and Mum. Why not?’
‘Cass,’ he said. He swallowed. ‘I hear him calling, Cass. I can hear him yell my name.’
‘Him,’ I echoed. ‘Him with a capital H.’
‘Him. It’s like He’s yelling from behind a brick wall but He’s there, He’s somebody I thought was dead and I can’t leave till I find Him.’
I wanted to shout, What about me! Why am I less important than your God? I need you too, and I’m not hiding.
But I didn’t say it. It wasn’t his God, of course, calling plaintively like some lover who’s gone too far with playing-hard-to-get and wants some attention again. It wasn’t Him, it was Dad’s own desperation, or his own younger surer self. And for Dad’s self-delusion I almost hated him.
But maybe, just maybe, it was his God. In which case he’d better stick around waiting for a bit. And after all, Dad was sending me away, and that meant I was important to him too. Maybe almost as important as Him.
I’d had my idols, after all, my own smaller gods. I’d lied to Dad too. I’d done my own betraying.
• • •
I’m glad your period came, Cassandra, but that is Way Too Much Information. I’m just relieved I don’t have to do the Honour Killing thing with Ming, just as he’s getting better.
The corpse sends his love. He got fed up yesterday, so we yanked out his remaining monitors and checked him out. Oh, and he did not flirt with any nurses. He told me to write that. Make of it what you will. He can write and explain himself when his arms are working again. I better tell you, he’s ugly, but not half as ugly as he deserves to be. Missing an eye, but he says you’ll like the pirate look. Anyway, I dare say he’ll be gorgeous again in about a year. He’s making the most of his invalidity. Jeez, he owes me. He’ll be making toast for me for a year when he’s better.
He sends his love. Again. All of it. Do I have to write this stuff? I’ll throw up on the laptop. Anyway, he never shuts up about you. When are you coming, he says? I know you said no more promises, but just to get some peace I told him soon, really soon. So I’m glad you’re on your way.
It’s better here for us, that’s the thing. For now, anyway. I know we’ll all go home one day, Cass. I know it.
I send my love too. Do up your buttons, you trollop.
Love & kisses
Griff xxxxxxxxxx
I stroked m
y brother’s letter, and tucked it carefully into the front pocket of my backpack, where I could reach it very easily. Then I drew it out again, once more, just to read the...
P.S. Ming says Keyser Soze sounds happy and settled, seeing as he’s taken over your house. He says give him a hug before you leave him.
I said I’d write that, but between you and me, Cassandra? It’ll be fine by me if you don’t.
The End
Bad Faith Page 20
