by Koethi Zan
‘What about that girl, your assistant? I thought that—’
He put his finger to her lips.
‘Shh. Do not speak of that trifling girl. She is nothing to me. She has not been called. It’s you. Remember our signal? Are you ready?’
She pulled away from him. The lure was powerful, but she could not help the dark feeling that passed over her heart when he was near. The bad omens were potent, crowding her vision, urging her to run away.
‘You’ve been alone for such a long time now. You’ve had to carry so much. No one was there to protect you, to care for you, to offer you the unconditional love you need.’
She felt something tugging inside. A part of her wanted to fall into his arms, to let him decide, to have him support her. What was he offering, in truth?
‘I have to go now.’
He didn’t get up.
‘I understand. You are always free to choose, Caroline. You should only come to me if you are willing. If you want to be with me – to be a part of me – the choice is yours.’
She nodded, looking away.
‘But I will tell you now, the choice is total. And there’s no going back. To embrace me is to embrace all that I am. Ask yourself, has life so far led you to happiness? To safety? To a place of pure love, understanding, and forgiveness? If you accept me into your heart, you must accept with total abandon, or not at all. Do you understand?’
She did. She understood only too well. She turned to walk away, knowing that she must never look back.
CHAPTER 43
Adam sat in a velvet-lined booth across from the beautiful, inimitable Deirdre, in a teal sweater set, her lips outlined and filled in with a deep orangey-red. She was a living cutout doll from 1950s Americana, but then that was her shtick. Adam had to admit the allure and evidently Deirdre read the desire on his face.
‘You like?’ She raised a dark-outlined eyebrow at him, turning her head from side to side.
The bartender switched the channels on the television behind her head, and Adam’s eyes flicked involuntarily to the screen.
‘Very nice.’ But he wasn’t looking.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the waitress bring him a second beer and put down a martini glass in front of her.
‘How’s the case going?’ Deirdre asked. He forced his gaze back to her.
‘Great. Just great.’ He took a sip of his beer, wiped away the ring it left on the table, met her eyes again. ‘Unfortunately this time I’ll be gone for quite a while.’
The corners of her smile fell a tiny bit.
‘Of course you will. Why’d you come back here anyway?’ ‘Ship some boxes. Clear out of the hotel.’
She nodded, stirring the drink she hadn’t yet touched.
‘And to say good-bye to me?’ She looked up at him from under her long, heavily mascaraed lashes. Winsome. Delectable.
Adam blushed.
‘Not good-bye. Come on. Not at all.’
‘Yeah, I get it. Let me guess. You are “not emotionally equipped for a relationship right now”.’ She lifted her glass and put her lips to its edge without taking her eyes off him. ‘I’m still glad you came back.’
‘Deirdre, of course I want to keep seeing you. I mean it. It’s just a trip.’
She didn’t seem convinced.
At that moment, the bartender settled on a twenty-four-hour news channel and the thud of its theme music jolted Adam to attention.
‘The search continues for Ivy Murray, who disappeared from the Westgate Shopping Mall on December seventeenth. Last seen wearing . . .’
He was instantly riveted. It was like crack. Like the needle reaching the vein. Like the—
‘Adam. Adam, stop watching that.’
The screen filled with a montage of photographs of Ivy Murray. At her high-school graduation, in lacrosse gear, with her prom date in a glittering dress and high heels.
‘Shh-shh. I want to hear this.’
The camera zoomed in on her face. Long brown hair, blue eyes, straight teeth of startling whiteness. A distinctive cherry-red birthmark below her left eye.
‘The twenty-six-year-old University of Minnesota student disappeared without a trace, but her family believe she is still alive and say that no matter what, they will never give up hope. Police say—’
‘Yes, they will,’ Adam muttered under his breath. ‘Eventually they will. Around the ten-year mark.’
‘You can’t stop, can you? Hello, Adam.’ She snapped her fingers in front of his face. ‘Not your case, Adam. Why don’t you take a break for once and try to have a life?’
She looked at him hard.
‘Actually, I take that back, just try to have a date for starters.’
He shook his head, forcing himself to focus on her.
‘I’m sorry. I’m just a little distracted tonight.’
She slid her drink away from her.
‘Tonight and every other second of your life. It’s self-destructive, you know? There’s nothing noble about it, even though I know that’s what you think.’
She sat with her arms folded now, leaning back against the booth. Then she propped herself up on her elbows, close to him. She took his hands in hers.
‘I have one question for you, Adam. I mean this seriously. Why is it you think you don’t deserve to have a life?’
The words struck him hard. He’d never thought of it like that. The truth was, he didn’t think he deserved to have a life. Not when so many others were robbed of theirs. Not when Abigail didn’t get to have hers. But he couldn’t explain that. Didn’t want to.
Deirdre laughed to herself and clamped her hands to her forehead.
‘Of course, I’m such an idiot. I always go for guys like you. What was I thinking?’
‘Guys obsessed with solving crimes?’ He watched her, puzzled.
‘That, or programmers launching their own tech companies, or day traders with stocks in free fall, or guys still married with three kids. You know, totally emotionally unavailable men. My specialty.’
As Adam’s mind drifted back to Ivy Murray, Deirdre banged her hands on the table and he jolted upright.
‘Adam, I need you to focus. I can’t sit by and watch you waste your life living out this fantasy. You’ve spent three years on it so far – how many more are you willing to put in?’ She stopped. Her tone softened. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just that you and I are only getting started. This could go somewhere if you let it.’
Adam stared at her. She was right. They did have something. Possibly something extraordinary.
‘Stay in Stillwater,’ she continued. ‘Let’s do something crazy. Move in with me. You don’t have to be a cop. You can work at my father’s textile company. You might even like it.’
For a moment, he let himself imagine that. Putting on a suit and tie, going into the office. Fulfilling requisitions, filing documents. That was valuable too, wasn’t it? But no, he couldn’t stray from his mission for a life so mundane, so pointless, so ordinary.
He took her hands in his.
‘Life has to have a purpose, Deirdre. That’s all. And mine is justice. Do you understand what I mean?’
‘Not really, no.’
Her face fell and she pulled away from him, gesturing for the waitress to bring the check.
He couldn’t stand seeing her disappointed like this. He had to make himself clear.
‘At first I wanted to solve this case to get back on the force. But it’s more than that now.’ He struggled for the right words. ‘I used to see the world as a binary, divided into right and wrong, evil and goodness, sin and purity. It all made sense. But this case – instead of chasing a wicked, sadistic man like the one who took my sister, I’m after a woman who was just a confused kid going through hell. That’s not the plan I had in mind.’
The waitress set the bill down in front of them. Deirdre scooped it up and slid two twenties into the faux-leather folder.
‘You need change?’ the waitress asked. Deirdre shook her
head.
Adam kept on, barely registering them.
‘But it’s made me see another path to justice. Bigger than the police department. More important than getting my job back.’
Deirdre only stared at him with – was it pity? Perhaps he wasn’t making sense after all.
‘Let’s try taking a vacation,’ she said, clearly not hearing him. ‘I’m thinking Hawaii. Umbrellas on the beach, snorkeling?’
He couldn’t even picture such an unfathomable scenario. Not when there was work to do. He had to make her understand.
‘Deirdre, think about it. She was so young. What if, after these murders, she got away from her father, got her act together, and now I’m coming out of nowhere to drag her back down into that past she’s trying to forget? Is that justice?’ He sighed. ‘I have a huge decision ahead of me.’
Deirdre looked puzzled for a moment, then she stood up abruptly and put on her coat.
‘Yes, Adam. Yes, you do.’
He stared at her, finally focusing on the situation at hand. He knew she didn’t mean his case.
He didn’t want to lose her. If she would just give him a few more weeks – he was so close. He knew it this time.
His mother’s voice echoed in his mind: You’ve been saying that for years. Exactly the same words.
For a fleeting second, he doubted his purpose. Maybe they were right. Maybe he was on a wild goose chase that would inevitably fail. Maybe he was using this case to try to fix something that couldn’t be fixed. Maybe he should stay here with Deirdre and make a fresh start.
She stood waiting for an answer. She clearly wasn’t giving him any more time. It was now or never. His last chance.
He shifted uncomfortably to face the empty booth in front of him. He couldn’t look at her just then. The world stood still, but his head was spinning. This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair for him to have to choose.
But he’d known all along which way he’d go.
‘I have to finish this. I have to find her.’
He looked back toward Deirdre in time to see the tears spring up in her eyes. She wiped them with the palm of her hand and forced a half-smile.
Everything inside him wilted when he saw her expression. He hated to hurt her this way.
‘Okay, Adam. Okay. Go find her.’ She looped the belt on her coat and yanked it tight. ‘I hope she’s worth it.’
She turned and left. He watched her disappear into the crowd at the bar as he gulped the last of his beer and then slammed the glass down on the table.
A feeling of emptiness crept over him.
It was his destiny, he reminded himself. It was out of his control.
CHAPTER 44
Her father sat outside the trailer drinking gin straight from the bottle while Leroy lay on the ground beside him, his head propped up on a faded orange rucksack, playing an old blues song on his harmonica. The music stopped abruptly though when Cora stepped into the firelight and both men stared up at her stony expression. Leroy never said much, but he was an astute judge of character and situations. Without a word, he rose, gathered his possessions, and slunk off into the woods, taking up the melody again right where he’d left off.
Her father watched him go, shaking his head in frustration.
‘Well, if it isn’t my sweet little spoilsport, running my friends off,’ he said snidely. He lit a cigarette in the flames and shoved it in the corner of his mouth, puffing like a smokestack. Then he took a good long look at her. ‘Are you sick? You look like you’ve seen a damn ghost.’
‘I guess I have, Father. I guess I have.’ She wouldn’t waste time with pleasantries. ‘Remember when we had our talk about what you did or didn’t tell James about a certain incident?’
His face went white.
‘What I remember,’ he said, ‘is that we agreed to stay away from him. Listen, I hear the tide has turned. Everybody left his so-called ministry. You’ll be safer if you aren’t seen with him.’
This was news. The last time she’d crept over to the clearing, he’d had at least twenty followers. Had it fallen apart just like that? Then she put two and two together. The guns, the target practice. Was he preparing to defend himself? Had things gotten ugly? She wondered fleetingly if it had something to do with that young apprentice who followed him around like a lost puppy. She hadn’t seen her lately and knew she had family at the camp.
That was beside the point right now.
‘Father, I’m only going to ask you this once more, and then we’ll be done with it. But I need the truth.’ She sat down next to him, yanked the cigarette out of his mouth. He’d stopped smoking last month and they couldn’t afford the habit. ‘Did you tell James about Stillwater?’
‘Don’t say that word. Honestly, Cora –’ he was whispering now, peering around them to see if anyone could hear – ‘you can’t talk about that. No, I told you I did not tell him and that should be enough for you.’
‘He knows something though,’ she said more to herself than to him. Cora felt so confused. If James was telling the truth about his visions then maybe there was a larger purpose to her life after all. Maybe their union was an inevitability that she was wrong to fight.
‘He doesn’t know shit.’ Her father interrupted her thoughts. ‘Unless he sees the guilt on your face.’ He smiled and pulled another cigarette out of his pocket. ‘It doesn’t matter anyway. He’ll be moving on soon enough. I can guarantee you that.’
So her father knew something too. Cora felt every muscle in her body tense up. Were they going to hurt him? She pictured pitchforks and torches, a gathering at the castle gates. A month ago she would have marched along with them, but now? Now she wasn’t so sure.
The thought of him leaving – but no, it was for the best and she had to stay out of it. She was going back to school. She’d make friends this time. Nice friends. The ones who studied and made good grades and went to football games and did all the innocent stuff regular teenagers do. No drugs this time, no sex, no weirdo outsiders.
It would be a clean slate. But James had put a doubt in her mind about her father. They had outstanding business to settle first.
‘Okay, let’s put that past behind us. Start fresh.’
She sat for a moment, screwing up her courage. She hadn’t dared broach this topic in years, but the time had come. She took a deep breath.
‘I have one more serious question I need answered before I can do that.’ She paused. She hoped he was ready for this. Hoped she was too. ‘I need to know about my mother.’
His face clouded over.
‘Cora, come on, could you forget about her? That’s ancient history.’
‘Not to me. I need to know. Is she looking for me?’
‘Looking for you?’
‘Did you abduct me? Is that why we’re on the run?’
He shook his head, muttering uncomfortably.
‘She was hiding you from me, Cora, but I found you. Oh, I found you. She couldn’t keep my child away from me.’
‘What did you do?’ she whispered, afraid to hear the answer, but knowing she couldn’t be at peace until she did.
‘Jesus, Cora, I’ve told you over and over to let it be. It doesn’t matter anymore.’
‘Please. Just tell me. Then we don’t have to discuss it again. I can handle it, whatever it is.’
He was annoyed, but she wouldn’t let him off the hook this time. Finally, he shrugged and cleared his throat.
‘You don’t understand. She hired some fancy lawyer to say all these abominable things in court. He didn’t know me. He had no right to talk like that.
‘And that judge, stupid stuck-up bitch. She was about to give your mother full custody. Do you know what that means? That means my sweet baby girl would be gone from me. Gone, gone, gone. No one has the right to do that. Maybe they’d let me visit you once a year at Christmas, but then you wouldn’t even know your old Pa.’
She rolled her eyes. He would never let her call him that.
‘I had
to take matters into my own hands, you see.’ He chuckled. ‘I guess I showed her.’
I showed her. The words reverberated in her head. She stared at him, dumbfounded.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean,’ he stuttered, backing away from her, ‘it was all an accident.’
‘An accident? Like Stillwater was an accident?’
‘I didn’t know my own strength. She was … she just stopped … breathing.’ He looked away from her. At least he had the decency to show some shame.
He’d killed her. Like he’d probably do to her one day, if she weren’t careful. She was just another accident waiting to happen.
‘You were always mine, Cora. I couldn’t let her take you.’
Yes, that’s how he thought of it. His possession, an object for his convenience. His to take care of him when he was hungover, to cook and clean for him, to be a builtin emotional support system when situations got tough, to beat when he needed an outlet for his rage. A useful prop in his tragicomic life story. It didn’t matter to him what she needed. A home, a steady life, basic love and affection. A mother.
She looked at him in disgust, then stood up to go.
‘Cora, wait. You have to understand.’
‘I do understand. I know what you’ve taken from me. It isn’t fair, Father. It isn’t fair.’ She stepped away, intending to wander the fields alone all night if she had to, to think about what it all meant.
‘Where are you going?’ The anger had faded from his voice, replaced by the piteous whine he used when he was feeling sorry for himself.
She turned on him, having had enough of his manipulations for one night.
‘Nowhere. How could I go anywhere? I have nowhere to go. I’m stuck and I’ll always be stuck here with you. Because you’ve taken everything from me.’
‘It wasn’t like that,’ she heard him say as she walked away. ‘I didn’t mean it to be like that.’
Yeah, she thought. You never do.
CHAPTER 45
