by Alison Ryan
“No thanks, Auntie. I’m not really hungry.” And I wasn’t. How could I be?
“Okay. Well, I’ll let y’all talk.” She picked up the dish and went through the front door. I heard the screen door smack shut behind her.
“Have you been waiting here long?” I asked. He shifted in his stance and cocked his head. He was thinking over something, I wasn’t sure what.
“Not too long. You know, you look really pretty today.”
I rolled my eyes, “Yeah. Real pretty with this crazy hair of mine. And Umbros and a t-shirt. I mean, come on.”
He chuckled, “You are. Do you always take compliments this well?”
“Yeah. I kind of suck at accepting them. Sorry. Thanks. It just really seems silly you would say that. You know. Considering.”
We both sat down on the porch steps.
“Considering what?” he asked, legitimately looking confused.
“You know. You date models. McKenna told me you just broke up with your girlfriend. She must be gorgeous.”
His mouth formed a line. His brow furrowed and I instantly wished I could reach out and grab my words back. Didn’t YM magazine always say it was a bad idea to bring up ex-girlfriends?
“So you know about Rachel?” he asked flatly.
“I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m an idiot. The thing is, I’m socially inept. Completely. Especially with guys. I mean, listen to me! I sound like Woody Allen, blabbering on and on, spilling out my neurosis. Anyway, let’s rewind to the part where you told me I was pretty. Because I need to start over. Is that even possible?”
Now he was laughing again, “You are the only girl- actually person- that’s ever made a Woody Allen reference in this town. And you definitely aren’t an idiot. I’m sorry if I seemed put off for a moment. It’s not you. It’s her. I’m still a little wounded from that whole thing. But,” he emphasized, “She is definitely not a model. I mean, yet anyway. She’s not Cindy Crawford or anything. But she is definitely my ex and she’s definitely a topic I would love to avoid.”
I nodded, “Fair enough. I am a thousand percent behind never talking about her again. I won’t even say her name.”
He smiled, “Good. So to answer your initial question; I have only been sitting here about thirty minutes and yes, I would love to hang out with you tonight.”
I laughed, “I don’t remember asking you to hang out with me tonight.”
“No? I could have sworn you did. I mean… I did bring you a casserole dish. I heard that was the new thing to do to get a girl’s attention.”
“I must have missed that article. But it was impressive. I mean, sans carrots! You really did make the effort. So maybe I can clear my schedule for tonight, make an exception to my rule.”
“Rule?” He was lying on his side now, his head propped up by his incredibly muscular forearm, “Please, elaborate, Addie McCurtis.”
“Well, I usually require at least three days’ notice for scheduling of hang out sessions. With cancellation required within twenty four hours in order to give notice to someone on the waiting list.”
“Ah! So maybe tonight is my lucky night? Any last second cancellations?” He was grinning at me now. Was this flirting? Was this how it worked?
“You’re in luck. My schedule happens to be cleared tonight.”
“Good.” He said suddenly standing up. He held down his arm and pulled me up fast enough that I was against his chest for a moment. Our faces were closer than they had been since the day he came over to mow my lawn. He smelled amazing.
“I’m giving you a tour,” he said, “Follow me.”
I walked over to his truck but then stopped.
“Wait! Let me just run in and tell my aunt.”
“Of course,” he said, “I’ll be right here.”
Ryan Kidson’s car smelled like grass and boy sweat. The seats were leather that was cracked so that the yellow seat cushions stuck out a bit. He drove with one arm over the steering wheel and one elbow out the window. He was confident in the sexiest way. It wasn’t arrogant, it wasn’t boastful. Ryan was a boy clearly comfortable in his own skin. Which made me comfortable too.
“So how was your day?” he asked, “Grandma okay? No concussion?”
It was the first time I had thought of the day’s events since I had first seen him on our porch. What Dr. Harrison said came back to me and my stomach dropped. How shitty of me to have been distracted so easily. I immediately burst into tears.
“Hey. Addie. What’s wrong?” His voice was alarmed and he immediately pulled the truck over on the desolate road we were on and threw it into park. Before I knew it he had scooted over to my side of the truck and was holding me against him as I sobbed.
I couldn’t speak for a few moments. I just ugly cried into his shoulder without any concern for the sound of it or how completely soaked I was getting his t-shirt. I hadn’t felt like I could do this around my family. I wanted Grandma to stay strong and not worry about me. But my entire soul was crushed at the news we had gotten today. And as soon as he had asked about my day it had flooded into the front of my memory and I could barely take it.
I finally pulled away from him. He put my face in his hands and wiped away my tears with his thumbs. His face was serious and his eyes were locked on mine.
“Tell me everything. Or nothing. But I’m here, Addie. You need to talk about this? Let me be that guy.” The sincerity in his voice was beyond his years. In that moment Ryan Kidson was more than just a guy I was lusting after. He was a friend.
So I began. I told him about seeing Grandma in the hospital bed. About Dr. Harrison and all the things he said. About Grandma’s response. I even told him about the night before with my mother in the bar and meeting Mike. By the time I was done I had nothing left to give. I had spilled every emotion and feeling I had about my current situation. To a boy I barely knew.
He was quiet for a moment. He was looking at my forehead, thinking while he gently stroked my hair. It was the most intimate thing I had ever shared with a boy. It had nothing to do with kissing or sex. It had everything to do with showing him who I really was.
“This is fucking bullshit.” He finally said. Curiously, it was the perfect thing.
“Yeah,” I agreed, “It really is.”
“Your grandma is one of the best people in the world. I’m not exaggerating. She is seriously the most quality woman, someone everyone looks up to. She helps people, she’s kind to people. And she gets hit with this? I mean, what the fuck? It’s just bullshit.”
I nodded, wiping my tears with the heel of my palms, “Yep. Pretty much.”
He looked at me again and sighed, “I hate this for you, Addie. You know, it sounds like you don’t have a ton of help at home either. That makes me angry. It’s not right. Your mom needs to get her shit together. I hope that doesn’t offend you.” He looked at me, “I know its one thing for you to say it but another for someone else to. That’s how I get when people bash my dad.”
I shook my head, “No, it’s okay. I mean, you really get it. And you’re right. So you can maybe see why I just had a ridiculous emotional outburst.”
“I just can’t even tell you how sorry I am.” His face was solemn. We both pulled away from one another and looked out the windshield. Dusk was approaching and the summer sky had ribbons of purples and amber streaking through it.
“I’m going to take you to a spot of mine,” he said as he buckled his seatbelt, “It’s where I go when things are heavy at home and I need a place to just be by myself to go over things in my head. What do you say?” He reached his hand across the seat towards me.
I placed my hand in his, “Sounds good to me.”
He let go long enough to shift the truck into drive and then his hand came right back to mine.
We drove quietly to the sounds of AM sports radio echoing through Ryan’s static speakers. It was a baseball game, the Braves versus the Dodgers.
“Are you a Braves fan?” I asked.
�
��Huge.” He said, “We’re going to take it all again this year. I’m stoked. My dad and I might go down to Atlanta and try to catch a game this summer.”
I smiled, “That’s awesome.”
“Yeah. He and I seem to get along best when we’re both invested in an outcome. So it should be good. Do you like baseball?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know much about it. My mom dated a guy on a minor league team briefly when we lived in Texas. He was gone a lot.”
“Yeah, they play a shit ton of games these days. I was never great at playing but I’ve always loved keeping up with it. I used to have notebooks full of stats. I don’t know what I was doing that for but it was something I enjoyed.” He looked over me, a sheepish grin on his face, “Kind of dorky, huh?”
Kind of adorable I think.
The road we drove on was lined by enormous trees on both sides, their branches hanging over us like an embrace. Suddenly the tree line ended and the road cut through an enormous field where a large water tower loomed over.
“Soybeans.” Ryan said, “Kyle’s family owns this land and they’re growing soybeans right now.”
“So your special spot is in a field?” I asked. The road clearly ended soon.
“Ha! Nope. My special spot is at the top of that,” he said pointing to the water tower, “And that’s where we’re going. Hope you’re not afraid of heights.”
My stomach dropped. I was absolutely terrified of heights.
We parked at the end of the road where the fields met the woods. Ryan shut his door and ran around my side to open mine. As I went to step down he held out his hand to help me.
“Thanks,” I said. He smiled at me. Our hands lingered together for a moment and then he pulled me towards a beaten path that ran the length of the field next to the woods.
“It’s about half a mile this way,” he said, finally letting go of me as we hopped over a stray log on the path. I wanted him to reach out for me again but he was a boy on a mission and I was there to follow.
As we walked I could see the sun setting to the west of us. The sky had never looked so beautiful. I walked about ten feet behind Ryan. I couldn’t stop staring at his calves. They were well muscled and long. His shoulders were broad and in the cab of the truck I had felt small against him. Good Lord, this boy. How was I lucky enough to be following him to a secret place?
As we walked my anxiety started getting to me. I really was nervous about climbing what was probably a narrow ladder to the top of that tower. I knew from experience that things always look one hundred times higher once you were at the top. The tower grew closer to us and I felt nauseated. I didn’t want to ruin this moment with Ryan but I also didn’t want to die.
He kept glancing back at me with the sweetest smile on his face. It reminded me of a kid on Christmas morning, excited to wake up his parents to show them what Santa left him. I had to get the hell over my phobia. Ryan Kidson was worth it.
We finally reached it after what felt like forever. The woods spread out around it and there was a path that led up to the ladder that ascended to what might as well have been Mount Everest to me. I could see a catwalk that circled it. I wished in that moment I could just beam myself up there. The climbing part was what would be the worst part for me.
Ryan turned to me and my face must have given away my apprehension. He walked over and took both my hands in his.
“Are you scared?” he asked.
“Yes.” I couldn’t lie.
“It’s not as bad as you think. I was the same way the first time I came here. But there’s a trick to it. Want me to tell you?”
I nodded. My heart thumped as he brought his face closer to mine.
“You get on that ladder and you just keep looking up. You don’t look down, at all. While you’re climbing you focus on where you’re going and pretend that you’re only climbing up ten feet. Like a pool ladder. I’ll be right behind you so nothing can happen. If you fall, I fall.” He touched my hair, “It’ll be worth it. I promise.”
I nodded. I couldn’t speak for fear of throwing up.
The ladder was solid. Parts of it were slightly rusty but that ladder would have held me times a hundred. I put one foot on the first step and looked up. The top seemed a million miles away.
“Remember, I’m right behind you. Don’t look down. Stop if you need to. We’re in this together, Addie.”
I nodded and started the climb. I didn’t look down. I focused on my hand as it pulled me up each rung. I could hear him climbing behind me. Once we were halfway he quietly said, “You’re doing so awesome, Addie. We’re so close.”
I was tempted to look behind me because I wanted to see his face so badly. But I knew that might mess it all up so I kept climbing.
I’ve never been so relieved to reach something. I climbed onto the catwalk and looked at the giant metal of the water filled tower in front of me. I traced my hands across the crumbling lettering: RUTLEDGEVILLE: HOME OF THE RAIDERS.
Ryan was now next to me, his arm around my shoulder, “I’m so proud of you! You did it!”
I turned to him with a grin and we hugged. Over his shoulder I could see how high we were and immediately I became panicked.
“Yikes,” I said, grabbing him and scooting against the tower, “This is really high.”
“Yeah. I know. But try to focus on the beauty and know that you’re perfectly safe. Here, sit down, it’ll be easier. We can scoot all the way back. I won’t make you dangle your legs over the side today.” He gave me his charming grin and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“That day will never happen!” I said, “But wow.”
I could see the entire town from where we sat. In the far off distance I could see the top of Grandma’s house and The Holts. Beyond that, roads snaked through woods and fields. I could see numerous steeples and what looked like a football field and a track.
“Is that the high school?” I asked, pointing towards the large brick building next to the baseballs fields.
“Yep. Home of the Raiders,” he said, pointing to the lettering on the tower, “Raider rumble and all that.”
“Raider rumble?” I asked.
“It’s a cheer the cheerleaders do at games. I’ve become kind of a fan.” He raised his eyebrows and laughed.
I rolled my eyes, “I can’t imagine why.”
He threw his arm around me, “You’d make a cute Raider cheerleader.”
“Ha! That’ll be the day.” I leaned into him, “I left my pompoms in Nevada.”
“That’s a shame,” he said, “I think if I could see you cheering from the side I’d hit a hell of a lot more three pointers.”
I blushed. I didn’t know what to even say. Any other guy saying that would have had me throwing myself off the tower. But Ryan was so sincere. The way he said it made it seem like less of a line and more of a hope.
“Well, I can still cheer from the side and not have to wear a short pleated skirt.”
“Ah but what’s the fun in that?” he laughed, “I’m kidding. That would be just as great. Are you going to school here this fall?”
It was interesting he would ask that because I hadn’t really thought of that until just now. My mother’s plan never had a clear path. We were here on a day to day basis and with Grandma’s prognosis, I wasn’t sure what would happen next.
I shrugged, “I’m not sure, actually. I guess it’s something I’ll have to talk about with my mom and Grandma. Usually my mom tends to want to run from here as soon as she can, so I’m not really sure.”
He looked out across the horizon, his arm still around me. He didn’t say anything for a bit so I looked out too, at the setting sun on a gentle June evening, next to a boy I suspected I could fall hopelessly, and probably recklessly in love with.
16
After the sun set, we slowly climbed down the tower. He went first and I nervously followed. The descent was much easier than the ascension had been, and as we got to the bottom he grabbed my waist and helped me down.
“So what did you think?” he asked, taking my hand as we walked.
“It was very much worth it. Thank you.” I said, “I appreciate you showing me that.”
“Well, you’re the first girl that was brave enough to actually do it. You made me proud! And now that you’ve done it, it’s your spot too. Whenever things get hard at home, come here. It helps.”
We walked quietly as the sky became darker. Cicadas were singing and I thought about how they had become the soundtrack to my nights here. This time when we got to the errant log, Ryan helped me over it.
Now would be the part where I would have loved for him to kiss me next to the open door of his truck. And I felt like it was something that was possible. But when he opened my door he let go of my hand and said, “I should probably get you home.”
I nodded, slightly disappointed, “Yeah, I need to check and see if Grandma made it home okay.”
We drove again but this time he turned that same damn country station on. Someone named Toby Keith crooned about a blue moon.
“So what are you up to tomorrow?” he asked as we slowly drove up my Grandma’s long driveway.
“Nothing that I know of. If Grandma is okay I could maybe do something. You?”
“I was thinking of trying the lake again tomorrow. It’s supposed to be hot as balls. You could ask McKenna and Rhiannon? I can probably easily convince the guys.”
Gee, let me think on that one. My sarcasm rang in my head. I tried not to nod too enthusiastically when I said, “Yes. I think that would be great.”
He didn’t open my door this time but he did lean over and kiss me on my forehead, “It’s going to be okay, Addie.” He smiled. As I got out of the truck and he drove away I couldn’t help but wish I could believe him.
As soon as I walked in the door I wanted to be back at the water tower.
Mom was sobbing in the kitchen. Aunt Shayla was sitting in the recliner in the living room staring at the wall and I didn’t know where Grandma was.
Before I could even ask, Aunt Shayla said, “Upstairs, baby. She’s sleeping. It’s been a long day for her.”
