“Of course. What else would it be? It’s this stupid claustrophobia, and I couldn’t do anything without him there to help. I thought I was getting over it, but I wasn’t. Not really.”
“Hmm.”
Brenna straightened her spine, irritated. “Don’t hmm me. You aren’t my therapist anymore. You’re my friend.”
“And as your friend—who used to be your therapist—I’m wondering what you’re really afraid of here.”
“You’re not making sense, Mel,” Brenna said stubbornly, letting her head fall into her hand as she rested her arm on the side of the bench. She was too tired for guessing games.
“Bren, think about it. You hadn’t had a single problem getting on or off that train in all the times you had visited, preparing for this trip, and even leaving. Suddenly, after you get close to this man—and I assume you got very close—you feel the need to bolt in the other direction? I don’t think you need a therapist to figure that out. You just need to be honest with yourself about what you’re afraid of.”
“I want to be happy. I’ve worked hard to be happy.”
“But you keep clinging to this final problem, don’t you? And when you met someone who made you feel like the problem went away, you pushed them away—doesn’t make sense if you ask me. Why would you do that?”
Brenna just stared at the lake, unable to answer, though she knew, deep in her heart.
“He wanted more. To see each other after the trip.”
“And?”
“I don’t know. It’s like everything changed with him, and fast. I went from being myself—my messed-up self—to being…normal. I didn’t know if any of it was real, I guess. And it wasn’t—I couldn’t get back on the train by myself.”
Mel was silent, and Brenna hung her head in self-disgust. “I guess because I was afraid what I had with him wasn’t real, either. Or that when he got to know me, the real me, he wouldn’t be able to run fast enough.”
“Sounds to me like he did see the real you, and he could handle it.”
“I guess.”
“Listen, it’s up to you. If you wanted out and if you aren’t ready for that yet, then that’s cool. But you do have to be honest with yourself about it. Don’t hide behind the phobias. What you’re going through is what every other red-blooded woman on the planet has experienced when they fear something with a great guy won’t last. Welcome to real life, Bren,” Mel said gently, with a smile in her voice. “But if you want him, you’re going to have to decide that too.”
“I couldn’t just depend on him to help me feel like I didn’t have this problem. I had to be able to do it on my own.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you have to do it on your own? Everyone needs help. You came to me for help, years ago. You’re calling me for help right now. We all need help. Why was his so threatening?”
“You really think I’m just making excuses so I don’t have to risk failing?”
“I think your phobias are real, and you’ll deal with them to some degree for the rest of your life. But sometimes limits can get comfortable, and getting outside of them, well, isn’t.”
“I don’t know, Mel. I just don’t. I felt like I had lost so much ground, back to square one.”
“Oh, honey, you are nowhere near square one. You were a total mess at square one.”
Brenna laughed, and it felt good.
“Reid made me feel normal. Maybe being normal is scarier than I thought. It doesn’t leave me with any excuses anymore, does it?”
“I think you may be on to something there.”
“Okay…well, thanks.”
“Let me know what’s going on, and if necessary, we’ll work out a way to get you back here, okay?” Suddenly, Mel sounded slightly distracted, and Brenna heard her whisper something to someone in the room with her. “I have to go, Bren.”
“Okay, thank you. Bye, Mel.”
They hung up, and Brenna groaned the second she did. She’d been so involved in her own drama that she had forgotten to ask Mel how her own weekend was going—especially meeting her new fiancé’s parents.
Was it always like that? Brenna considered Mel a friend now, not her therapist, but maybe the one-sidedness of their relationship had carried over from their professional interactions. Could it be that Brenna’s phobias had been such a huge part of her life for so long, defining her, that she had become more comfortable with them than she realized? Reid had freed her of almost all of her limitations, and maybe it had been too much, too fast.
But it had also been wonderful.
Maybe having that closeness with Reid hadn’t been scary, but the possibility of losing it was. If she was so dependent on him, what would happen if they didn’t work out?
But how could she know unless she tried? If she could be “normal” with him, that meant she could be normal without him too, right? It really was all up to her. Confused, she got up from the bench and walked until she was exhausted, trying to figure it all out.
Chapter Seven
Back in her room, Brenna stared at the television without watching it, looked at a book without reading it, and finally gazed at the game of Solitaire that waited patiently for her next move, but nothing stopped Mel’s words from echoing in her mind the entire time.
Was she really afraid to be happy?
Reid had brought up being together after the trip. He wasn’t at all upset that she couldn’t handle the shower because the room had been too small, and he had immediately offered to help her get back on the train without treating her like she was deficient in any way. All of the worries she had were purely her own—he hadn’t been anything but wonderful. Even when she had treated him so badly that previous afternoon, he hadn’t wanted to leave her. He’d only wanted to help.
He actually made her feel the opposite of helpless, in every way.
Capable, sexy, comfortable.
And she’d pushed that away and then run in the opposite direction.
Coward.
Getting out of bed, she cursed at her own stupidity. It was probably too late to do anything about it now—Reid was likely glad to be rid of her once he thought about it—but maybe not.
Brenna had to try, at least.
Everything she wanted was there, right within reach, if she let herself reach for it. Energy that had been spent on self-pity and feeding her own rationalizations for why she couldn’t do the things she wanted to do thrummed through her.
She could do it. She would do it.
Taking a quick shower, she ignored the squeeze in her chest when she closed the door and imagined Reid in there with her. She wanted that.
After a few minutes, her breathing came easier—maybe a little too quickly when she found herself fantasizing about all of the things they could do in a shower. Getting out and dressing as quickly as she could, she noted the time on the bedstand clock. She could catch the train as it pulled into the station at Niagara if she left now—and drove straight through.
Brenna clasped the keys to the rental car she’d procured after the train had left, and her fate was set. They dug into her skin, but she didn’t really feel it. Everything was dark and quiet outside the inn, the streets abandoned. She stood by the driver’s-side door and reached deep for the resolve she needed, getting inside.
If Reid didn’t want her when she got there, well, she’d deal with that then.
The Toyota wasn’t big inside, but it was all the rental place had offered. The dark made it worse, but Brenna focused on Reid, thinking of how much fun they had had and how much fun they could have as she pulled out onto the thruway.
About twenty miles down, fear caught up with her, and she found a parking area, getting out of the car and pacing the parking lot, taking in as much fresh air as she could.
Eyeing the car again, she wondered if she could get back in and make it the rest of the way.
She had to push past it. He was worth it. She wasn’t afraid of the car, she told hers
elf. She was afraid of failing with Reid, and that wasn’t acceptable. It wasn’t how she wanted to live her life.
Taking a deep breath, Brenna got back in and got back on the highway, keeping to the slow lane, eyes on the prize.
Except for one stop for gas and coffee, she made it the rest of the way by blasting the satellite radio eighties classics station and singing at the top of her lungs to relieve any tightness in her chest.
It worked.
She was exhausted and running on adrenaline, but as she found her way to the train station, she was relieved to see she’d arrived early. Dawn was just breaking over the parking lot, and she locked the doors and dozed for a while until the familiar sound of the train’s powerful engines woke her up.
In rolled the gorgeous silver train, and Brenna watched, taking a deep breath.
Whatever happened now, things would be okay.
She’d never driven that far before, and she had no doubt she could get herself home if she needed to. If Reid wasn’t interested in her apologies, so be it, but she had conquered the fear that had held her back for so long.
Still, the idea of Reid’s possible rejection put a dent in her bright moment as she walked to the train. It was so early, he was probably still sleeping. Maybe she could let herself in and surprise him—or maybe that wouldn’t be a good idea.
She struggled with the issue all the way to the platform, where she saw Sean stepping down from the train, prepping for guests to exit as they awakened.
“Brenna! How did you get here? Trina said you left the train in Skaneateles.”
“I did, but…well, I didn’t want to give up. I drove here overnight.”
“You drove all that way?” Sean asked, his eyes widening. “Good for you! I bet I know why. He’s been miserable without you, you know.”
Brenna felt her skin blush to her roots, but she couldn’t resist asking, “Really?”
“Kept to himself, didn’t eat much, retired early with a couple of beers from the bar. I think he’ll be glad to see you again.”
“I hope you’re right.” Brenna faced the entrance to the train as if confronting an opponent.
“Are you going to make the return trip with us?”
“I don’t know. I guess it depends.”
“Well, we’ll head back around four this afternoon, dinner on board, and back to Lake Champlain by morning. Just so you know,” he said. “You can, uh, go on board, if you want. Maybe get some coffee.”
Her energy was fading, as was her optimism. Catching sight of her reflection in the train window, she looked like she had been up driving all night.
Great.
But none of that mattered.
Taking a deep breath, she did what she hadn’t had the courage to do the afternoon before and stepped up on to the train.
She smiled as she heard Sean’s quiet cheer behind her.
It was that easy. She was fine.
The hard part would be facing Reid.
After walking down to her—their—his cabin, she stood outside for long minutes, her fingers turning the key card in her pocket around and around.
Should she just let herself in, or knock?
Or wait in the breakfast car for him to come out?
Call and leave him a message on his phone?
People were starting to stir, a few doors opening as guests headed out for food. Her stomach grumbled. She hadn’t eaten since lunch the day before.
Brenna lifted her hand to knock and jumped as the door opened and she found herself face-to-face with Reid.
“Oh,” she said, words suddenly deserting her.
He looked awful—and wonderful. Tired, unshaven, and not very happy to see her.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, sounding groggy and sleepy.
Peering past him, Brenna saw he had taken more than a couple of beers back to the room, and most of them looked empty.
“I— I came back to apologize.”
He continued to frown, but his gaze seemed to clear over several long, silent seconds.
“Wait. How’d you get here?”
“I drove. I got a car, and I drove all night.”
That seemed to wake him up even more. “You did? Why?”
“Because I was an ass yesterday, and I know it. I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I was using my phobia as an excuse not to take a risk—if I held on to that, I could avoid the job, avoid taking a chance…with you.”
He didn’t say anything. He stood there, looking at her like she was nuts. Maybe she was.
“I’m so sorry, Reid. You were so good to me, and I was terrible to you. If nothing else, I wanted to be able to say that to you, and let you know I…enjoyed our time together. But I don’t blame you for being pissed at me, so I’ll just go, and—”
She turned away, eyes stinging. She didn’t know what else to say, but she wouldn’t cry. She’d made it here, and she’d said what she needed to say. He wasn’t thrilled to see her, that much was clear. Now she had to get over it.
“Brenna,” Reid said roughly, stopping her with a hand on her arm. “Come back. Come in.”
Inside the cabin, Reid sat down on the bed—the one he’d avoided all night because it was a lot lonelier without Brenna. He thought he might be having some kind of alcohol-and-insomnia-induced delusion when she appeared at his door. Now, as she entered, though she seemed apprehensive, he knew she was really there.
The relief was humbling.
“I missed you. Isn’t that weird? I’ve only known you for two days, and I missed you like hell.” He couldn’t hide the raw emotion in his voice.
She crossed the room to sit by him and nodded. “It’s crazy. But I missed you too.”
“And you drove here, by yourself? And got back on the train, with no problem?”
“It was touch and go, but I figured it out. I wanted to. Getting back to you was more important than giving in to my fears.”
“Oh, honey, that’s fantastic,” he said as his arms wrapped around her and pulled her in close. He was so damned happy she was here and that she’d managed this huge accomplishment, he couldn’t find any adequate words.
Then the shame set in. That he had left her behind, and that she had driven all night, alone, because of him.
“I’m so sorry, Reid. I was afraid, but I wasn’t even sure what I was afraid of until Mel gave me some tough love,” she mumbled against his shoulder.
He pulled back, the frown back in place. “Mel? Who sent the flowers?” He wasn’t sure if he liked where this was going.
“Yeah. She’s my best friend—used to be my therapist—and she let me know I had my head up my ass, basically.”
“Sounds like a fantastic friend,” he said with a smile. He pushed her hair back from her face, relieved.
“She is. I think I’ll always have to deal with these fears on some level, but I was holding on to them because they were familiar and safe. When I realized that…and I realized how much I wanted to be here with you, it was easy to let them go. But I was so afraid I had really messed things up,” she said, her voice catching.
“Aw, hell, sweetheart, don’t cry. I’ve been kicking myself for getting back on the train and leaving you behind. I felt like all kinds of a dick not staying and making sure you were okay.”
She shook her head. “That’s not your job. I mean, I appreciate your help—it’s made all the difference in the world—but the fact that you didn’t stay helped me realize what I had to do. It was good that you walked away; I deserved it. You weren’t a crutch. You were a…miracle. You made me realize what I could do.”
He was so moved by her words that he had none of his own. He pulled her in close again, running his hands over her back to keep touching her and making sure she was really there.
“Well, you’re here now. That’s what matters.”
He loved the feel of her hands on him too. When she pressed a kiss into the side of his neck, his blood turned hot, need overcoming his exhaustion.
“We were both up all night,” he whispered against her cheek, the edge of his lips touching hers.
“Yeah.” She sighed, turning her mouth toward him, her hand sneaking up under his shirt.
“We could probably use some sleep before the trip back,” he added. “Might not make it out of the room for the rest of the morning, at least.”
“I agree. Though I thought maybe we could take my car back, if you want to. We could…take our time. See some of the sights. Stop at some of the inns, maybe get a room with a nice big shower?”
He smiled. “That sounds perfect.” He captured her mouth in a hot, hungry kiss, which she returned just as greedily.
Clothes were removed without haste as they explored each other and got reacquainted on this new, exciting level. One with promise and a future. Reid pulled Brenna down with him, suddenly not feeling tired at all.
“You sure you want to be stuck in a car with me for a few hundred miles?” he asked, rolling over her and covering her. “It could be even closer quarters than these.”
“I guess you’ll have to find ways to distract me if I tense up. Maybe in the back seat?”
She smiled up at him, linking her feet over the backs of his calves as she pressed up against him, already wet, more than ready.
“I promise I’ll do whatever it takes,” Reid agreed as he set to driving both of them to distraction as thoroughly as he could.
About the Author
Samantha Hunter lives in Syracuse, New York where she has written for Harlequin Blaze since 2004. Tight Quarters will be her first release with Samhain Publishing. When she’s not plotting her next book, Sam likes to work in her garden, quilt, cook, read and spend time with her husband and their dogs. She’s also an unapologetic TV addict. If you would like to learn more about her books, current releases and news, please check out her website at www.samanthahunter.com. You can also email her at [email protected] and look for her on Twitter and Facebook.
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Coming Soon:
Bending Over Backwards
Tight Quarters: Strangers on a Train Page 6
