I ran my hand over an antique wooden towel rail and checked the price. It was reasonable. In the corner I glimpsed a dark wood bathroom cabinet and a gilt mirror that would look perfect alongside it in the bathroom.
‘Could you pack a few things up for me?’ I asked the shopkeeper. ‘The rail, the cabinet and the mirror?’
‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Nice choices. That mirror in particular is a real find. Why don’t you have a browse downstairs while I get this lot ready for you?’
Downstairs in the shop were shelves of bric-a-bric and treasures. To my right was a row of glass medicine bottles in shades of green and blue. I picked out a dozen of them in different sizes. They would look nice on the bathroom windowsill, with flowers inside.
*
Back at the cottage, I checked in on Callum, who was sanding the floorboards in the living room. ‘Everything OK in here?’
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘Making progress.’
‘Can I get you a cuppa?’
‘Go on then.’
He switched the sander back on, and I turned and walked towards the kitchen. I boiled the kettle and filled the cups, added milk and sugar and carried one through to Callum. He took it gratefully. ‘What are you working on this afternoon?’
‘The bathroom,’ I said. ‘I bought some bits and pieces in town this morning. Here, let me show you.’ I went out into the hall and picked up the things I’d collected.
‘Really nice,’ he said. ‘It’s going to look good. So you’re not tempted to do anything more drastic?’
‘Oh yes.’ I smiled. ‘I’ll be doing that too. That whole grisly primrose yellow suite is going – sorry to your grandma, but there’s just no way I’ll ever get used to that. I’m going to look for a new bath this afternoon. I’ve got my heart set on one of those free-standing ones – you know, with the little claw feet?’
‘Those are brilliant,’ Callum said, sitting up straighter. ‘I’ve seen them in a few cottages round here. There’s a great bathroom shop in Canterbury – let me find you the site … They work with a lot of properties of this period and know what suits them.’ He got out his iPhone and searched for it.
‘Here you go,’ he said, passing it to me.
I flicked across a couple of screens – porcelain basins and antique taps. They were gorgeous. I noted down the URL. ‘Thanks. I think you might have found exactly what we’re looking for.’
I went into the kitchen and got out my laptop, returning to the bathroom shop site. I scrolled through the free-standing tubs until I found one that was just right. I saw the price tag and bit my lip. It was far more than Jack and I had budgeted for.
A bath was an essential though, wasn’t it?
I hesitated for a moment, then picked up my phone to make the order.
*
‘Are you hungry?’ I asked Jack. ‘I was going to make a chicken pie.’
‘Yes, sounds good,’ he replied. ‘Sorry I was such a zombie last night; I really needed to catch up on sleep.’
‘Don’t worry, it’s fine. I know you needed to meet that deadline, and it’s not often you’re out at work that late.’
‘It was a rare situation. So what did you get up to today?’
‘This and that,’ I said, thinking guiltily about what I’d done that morning without running it past Jack first. ‘I bought a few things for the bathroom.’
‘You did? What, towel rails and stuff?’
‘Not quite. You remember that gorgeous free-standing bath at Arcadia Cottage – the claw-foot one that we both really liked? And the porcelain sink with Victorian-style taps?’
Jack looked at me, surprised. ‘You haven’t …?’
‘What? I found a really good shop in Canterbury selling some similar stuff. We got a discount for buying a few things at once. We need a bathroom, Jack.’
‘I know that – but still. I thought we were going to choose all the bigger things together. How much did it all cost?’
‘Not that much. Like I said, there was a discount. It worked out at just over a thousand pounds.’
‘A thousand? I would really have liked to have a say in that. Don’t you think we might have looked at the house spreadsheet first, to see how we’re getting on?’
Jack had a point. It had been a little while since I’d opened it.
‘I suppose so,’ I said. ‘I haven’t actually looked at it for a while.’ There was no point cutting corners on a bathroom – it was an important part of the house.
‘Shall we sit down and have a look at it now?’ Jack said. I could tell he was trying to stay calm.
‘OK,’ I said. ‘But you agreed I could make certain decisions on my own, if you were busy with work. And you were.’
‘I was thinking more about cushions and place mats than entire bathroom suites.’
Jack opened his laptop and clicked to open the Excel spreadsheet that held all our financial details in it, and then opened up our joint account online banking page.
The figure that had looked like more than enough when we started out had dwindled considerably.
‘Right,’ He said, running his eyes over the columns. ‘Given that we still have the living and dining rooms, spare bedroom, study and the wood restoration to organize, this doesn’t look great, does it?’
‘We’ve got options,’ I said. I thought of the large white bath, the basin that would create a lovely country ambience. I didn’t want to cancel the orders. ‘There are things we can do.’
‘And you know where we need to start, don’t you?’
*
‘Amelia!’ My dad came over bright and clear on the phone first thing the next morning.
‘Hello, Dad.’
‘Hi, sweetheart. How are you doing over there?’
‘Good, thanks.’
‘And the cottage?’
‘It’s coming along. We’ve almost finished the bedroom and kitchen now, and have tamed a jungle in the back garden.’
‘You’ve never shied away from a bit of hard graft, have you?’
‘I suppose not,’ I said. ‘Anyway, how are you? How’s everything going?’
‘Life is good, can’t complain. Picked up a couple of jobs this past fortnight doing the wiring for a new development of flats in the centre of town.’
‘That’s great.’ That meant he would have some money coming in, surely. I readied myself to ask him about repaying our loan.
‘Amelia, I’m really glad you called actually. Caitlin and I were hoping you might be able to help us out with something. Bit of a favour.’
Not money again, I prayed inwardly. Please don’t ask that, Dad.
I steeled myself. ‘Sure. What is it you need help with?
‘It’s Mirabel.’
‘Mirabel?’
‘She’s not listening to us, Amelia, and we’re desperate for a break. Could she come and stay with you for a week or so?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said, glancing at the plaster dust that covered every surface, the unfinished walls of our hall. ‘We’re still doing the cottage up – we’re not really ready for people to come and stay yet.’
‘Mira’s only a kid. She’ll be fine on the sofa.’
‘Couldn’t it wait a month or two?’
‘I’m not sure. I’m worried about her, and Caitlin is too. She did well in her GCSEs, well enough to stay on at college, but she says she doesn’t want to – she’s missed the start of term now. She’s a free spirit, like me, and I know she’ll find her way in the end, but your stepmother’s panicking about it. Mirabel’s out every night with this guy Jesse, drinking and God knows what else. We thought a change of scene might help. She hasn’t stopped talking about the last time she came to stay with you.’
‘That was different.’ The last time, a year ago, we were living in east London with dozens of clothes shops and gigs to keep her entertained. She’d loved that. ‘We’re in the country now. There’s not going to be much for her to do.’
‘She’ll be fine,’ Dad insist
ed. ‘And it’ll give Caitlin and me a chance to get back on track – you know how I hate arguing. This house is full of it at the moment.’
I paused, trying to find another way to let my dad know what a bad idea this was.
‘You’re all right with the idea, aren’t you?’ he asked again.
I took a deep breath, but the strength I needed to refuse him faltered. ‘OK, Dad. Mirabel can stay. But while she’s here, I’m going to need her to help out.’
*
Later that evening Jack and I were lying in bed. I was looking through the interiors book Carly had bought me, and Jack was checking messages on his phone.
‘You’re annoyed with me, aren’t you?’ I said. ‘I’ll understand if you are.’
‘No, I’m not,’ he said, putting his phone down and turning to look at me. ‘I’m just … I don’t know, I’m a little frustrated with the situation I guess.’
‘Because of the money,’ I said, recalling how I’d bottled out of asking my dad what I’d intended to.
‘Not really. Well, not only that. It’s just – you’re tough, Amelia. You’re straightforward and honest with most people in your life, and yet with your dad … I don’t know – it seems like you let him just walk right over you. Instead of getting back the money you need, we’ve now got Mirabel coming to stay.’
‘Do you not want her to stay?’
‘It’s not that – she’s your sister, Amelia. It’s up to you. But do you want her staying here? When this place is still a building site? I don’t get the impression you do. From what you told me it didn’t exactly sound as though it was your decision.’
‘I wasn’t keen at first, you’re right. But that was selfish. If Dad needs a break then I want to help. Once she’s here, I’m sure it’ll be absolutely fine.’
‘As long as you’re all right with it, I am,’ Jack said. ‘I don’t want to argue.’
‘I know. And I don’t want that either,’ I said. I closed the book and put it on the side. ‘I’m just tired, Jack.’
‘So am I.’
*
‘Hello there!’ It was good to hear Carly’s voice, familiar and comforting.
‘Hi,’ I said, settling down on my bed and cradling the phone in my hand. ‘I’m glad to catch you – thought you might have more interesting things to do on a Saturday evening.’
‘Not tonight, no. Alex and Jules are having some bonding time at the cinema.’
‘How is the planning for your trip to Australia going?’
‘Good, thanks. Alex has been in touch with his cousin in Melbourne, so we’ll have a place to crash there, and I’ve got a friend in Sydney, by Bondi. She’s offered us her spare room for the days that we’re there.’
‘Sounds amazing,’ I said. ‘I’m a bit envious, I must say.
‘Well, if you will leave me in this big city all on my own, I have to make plans to keep myself entertained. So what’s new in your world?’ Carly asked.
‘My mum’s in love.’
‘Really?’
‘I know. And there you were thinking you might have missed the boat at twenty-nine.’
‘How do you feel about it?’
‘It’s strange. But OK, I guess. Anyway, talking about my family, Mirabel’s coming to stay in a couple of weeks.’
‘Mirabel the mentalist,’ Carly said, laughing. ‘How are you going to keep her entertained for a whole week?’
‘She’ll be OK,’ I said. ‘She’s going to help us out with the house.’
‘Mirabel? The same Mirabel who came to stay with you last summer?’
‘She’s sixteen now. I’m sure she’ll be a bit more mature this time.’
‘If you say so,’ Carly said sceptically. ‘Have you forgotten about her shoplifting excursion last year?’
‘I think that was a one-off,’ I said, recalling the incident at Claire’s Accessories vividly. Thank God the police had let her off with a caution. ‘Or if not, I’m sure she’s over that stuff by now.’
‘Good luck,’ Carly said. ‘I think you might need it.’
‘God, don’t say that. There have been enough unexpected things to deal with in the cottage.’
‘How are things there?’
‘Fine,’ I said.
‘Fine, really fine – or pretend fine?’
‘Really fine,’ I said, my head feeling foggy. ‘Or perhaps not entirely. I don’t know, Carly.’
‘What is it?’
‘Jack and I aren’t getting on that well. It’s little things, but they’ve all been building up – the house, my family, money …’
‘I thought you were OK for money for the renovations?’
‘So did I … but I think I’ve probably been splashing out a bit more than I should have. But I want to make this place perfect, and I thought he did too. I can’t remember the last time we had any fun together, Carls.’
‘Doing up a house does put a lot of strain on you.’
‘I know, and I was prepared for that. I thought we were strong, but I feel it’s been a while since we brought out the best in each other. I mean, you saw how it was between us the other night.’
‘It did seem like you might have a few things to discuss.’
‘But we’re not. We’re barely talking about the things that really matter.’
There was something else, of course. Something that was getting to be too big to ignore. Something I couldn’t admit to Carly, and that I’d barely started to admit to myself. When I fell asleep at night, it wasn’t always Jack I thought about.
‘You’ll work it out,’ Carly said, her voice lifting a fraction, becoming more upbeat. ‘You have to. You’re Amelia and Jack – you’re meant to be together.’
Meant to be together. That was what I’d always assumed too.
*
A week later Jack opened the door to the bathroom fitters, who were delivering the bath and basin. He stood back as they went upstairs to the room. We’d spent the previous day preparing the floorboards so that everything was ready.
‘I’m sure you’ll feel differently when they’re all plumbed in,’ I said, standing with him in the hallway.
‘Maybe I will. But it’s not the bath, Amelia. You know that.’
I heard the bathroom fitters knock into something, and had a sudden urge to go up and see what was going on. After what had happened with the kitchen, I didn’t want to take any chances.
‘I know, it’s the money,’ I said. ‘But we can work to a budget on the other rooms. The kitchen and bathroom were always going to be the big expense.’
Jack’s gaze drifted towards the floor, then he looked at me again. ‘Do you really still believe that’s what’s going on?’ he said.
I looked at him, trying to find the words to answer.
‘It’s not just about the cottage.’
‘Then what is it?’
‘I just feel we’re not on the same page at the moment,’ Jack said. ‘About anything.’
‘We talk.’
‘Yes. But we’re not really communicating with each other – about the house, about money, about what we really want from life.’
‘I’ve told you where I stand.’
‘Yes – and that’s exactly how it felt, Amelia. You’ve made your decision, and that’s that. End of story.’
His eyes were unusually stern.
‘It’s not like that,’ I said. ‘But can’t we just live in the moment for a while, like we said? Until we have the cottage finished, at least.’ I reached out to put my hand on his, but he didn’t respond.
‘Until we have the cottage finished … I don’t know.’ He shook his head. ‘It feels as though we’re building a house, but not a home.’
I heard something clatter upstairs, and I moved to go up. Jack put a hand on my shoulder. ‘Amelia. Are you even listening to me?’
‘Yes, I am. It’s just … You remember what happened last time with the leak.’
‘I couldn’t care less about that right now,’ Jack said. ‘I�
�m trying to tell you I’m not happy. And I can’t see myself being happy if things carry on the way they are.’
A lump formed in my throat. Somewhere, deep down, his words resonated, chiming with my own feelings. I might have been able to hide from those, but I couldn’t ignore Jack’s words.
‘I want us to want the same things, but I don’t know if we do any more,’ Jack said.
‘We do,’ I said feebly. It pained me not to be able to say it with more certainty, not to know the right answer.
There was silence between us for a moment.
‘I think we need a break,’ Jack said.
‘A break?’ I asked, my voice faint.
‘Yes, from each other. Amelia, I’m going to move out for a while.’
PART THREE
Winter
Chapter 14
The Spare Bedroom – Starting
Before: Dark room with dirty windows. Striped wallpaper. Green carpet with worn patches. Heavy velvet drapes in red.
Monday, 21 October
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Hi, Jack:
I don’t really understand what just happened, or what’s happening to us. I know you said you needed space to think, but did you really have to leave the cottage? Can’t we talk?
Amelia x
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Hi, Amelia.
I can’t help thinking your mind – part of you – has been somewhere else lately. I don’t know where it is, but it’s not in bed with me at night. That closeness … I don’t know, I feel as if the woman I fell in love with has disappeared.
I thought we could get past anything. After all these years together. But maybe we can’t. We’ve both admitted that having a baby isn’t something we can meet in the middle on and I’ve realized that matters to me more than I thought.
I’m staying in London with Hiro for a while. I can’t see another way – it didn’t feel we were being honest with each other. Maybe with some time and distance we can start to be.
Jack
Saturday, 26 October
The oak in the back garden had lost its leaves completely, as had the apple tree. The spindly branches wove up into a white winter sky. I’d scraped frost off the windscreen of our car when I went to pick Mirabel up from Gatwick that morning.
Amelia Grey's Fireside Dream Page 18
