Oh, my gosh, about that time we heard some high-pitched screeching and that danged Buick headed for the ditch going full blast It bounced up like a rocket and cleared the railroad tracks just like they wasn’t there. Heck, we ran out to watch the end of that ride when the Buick headed down to a ditch on the other side, raced up the other side, and just flew across the street, through Blondi Barrigner’s fence―finally stopping in his front-yard flower bed. But, shoot, that car hadn’t even stopped when them doors just popped open and Miss Tina darted out one side and Doctor Carl jumped out the other. And, whoa, look out, because they was yelling, screaming, and cussing like nothing I’ve ever heard. Doctor Carl ran off down the street waving his hands over his head going, “Whooooo! Whoooooo!” Heck, I had to hold John Clayton up he was laughing so hard. Well, we stayed downtown, out of sight, until we saw Miss Tina and Doctor Carl coming with Curly, and they headed for Doctor Carl’s car, which was still in Blondi Barrigner’s flower bed. Heck, Miss Tina was a-waving her hands and just a-telling Curly something, probably about snakes. Curly got to the car and checked it out, but of course, with the doors wide open, the snakes had long gone. He backed it out of Blondi’s yard and handed Miss Tina the keys.
“Come on, John Clayton. Let’s head for Doctor Carl’s house, ’cause they’ve still got a couple of snakes to deal with.”
By the time Miss Tina got old shaking Doctor Carl in the car and drove over to his house, we were hiding in some bushes behind the fence in their backyard. Well, Miss Tina was still kinda leading Doctor Carl along and they went in and slammed the front door. Everything was real quiet for about twenty minutes, and then we heard water running in the bathroom.
“Get ready to run, John Clayton, ’cause all get out is gonna break lose any second.” Shoot, evidently, Doctor Carl had decided a hot bath would help him calm down, and he’d started the water running without even lookin in the bathtub. I guess he had taken off his clothes and was about to get in the tub when we heard, “Whooooo! Whoooo!” And you could hear someone running in the house. Then we heard Miss Tina just a-yellling, “What is it Carl? Carl? Carl, tell me what is it?” Miss Tina was yelling from the kitchen.
“Carl sit down and tell me what’s wrong!”
“Bathtub!...Snake!...Whoooo! Whoooooo!”
Course, we were just sprawled out hee-hawing like two old mules, and then Miss Tina was gone for a couple of minutes, and when she returned she said, “Now Carl calm down! I shut the door and the snake can’t get out of the bathroom. We’ll get the constable to come over and take care of it. Everything is going to be all right. Miss Tina kept a-talking to Doctor Carl for a few more minutes and she just about had him calmed down, when she said, “Carl, we haven’t had lunch. I’m going to fix me a sandwich. Do you want one?”
Course, when Miss Tina said, “sandwich” our ears perked up and I looked at John Clayton just a-giggling and said, “breadbox”!
We didn’t hear nothing else for a couple of minutes, but then there was an “Eeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeee!” followed by “Whooooo! Whoooo!” and a crash, and Doctor Carl came flying outta that kitchen and ran right through the screened door. He ended up in the backyard, butt naked, lying on the screened door. Well, we hightailed it outta there before Miss Tina and the snake left the kitchen but we could still hear a faint, “Whooooo! Whoooo!” as we crossed the street and headed home.
“If that doesn’t run ’em outta town, nothin’ will,” I said.
“Yeah, Richard, they’re as good as gone.”
From what I could gather from sketchy reports, Doctor Carl had to be carried to El Dorado for a possible heart attack, and Miss Tina was so banged up she had to go to the hospital emergency room. I got home a little after three, fed Sniffer, and did my chores, but my curiosity got the best of me, so I headed back downtown to see if they really did leave town. Sure enough, their car was gone and the house was locked up and dark. We did it! Yeah, we ran ’em out of town! I thought.
I went to sleep that night, and for the first time in a long time I didn’t worry about nothing.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Miss Simpson
The next day was a Sunday, and I met John Clayton at church where we spent about thirty minutes laughing about the snakes, and then we went into the main worship service, still snickering. But―oh my gosh―our hearts just sank. Down front, where they always sit, was Miss Tina and Doctor Carl!
“Dang, they’re still here,” I moaned.
About that time Brother Taylor walked out looking real sad and in a few minutes he announced that that two of the church’s most distinguished members, Doctor Carl and Miss Tina had been in a car wreck, and he was gonna lead in a special prayer for them. Course, me and John Clayton bowed our heads and prayed, but heck, our prayers were a whole bunch different than anybody else’s.
The next day me and John Clayton walked down to the breadbox and started talking about how we could be careful and not get blamed for the snakes...
“Heck, Richard, maybe they’re scared people are gonna find out ’bout the girls and those oil-field guys, and, shoot, Doctor Carl nearly went crazy round all those snakes.”
About that time we looked up and coming across the street was Miss Tina. She was limping, and she had a big bruise on her head.
“Uh, oh, my god, John Clayton, act natural, and don’t say a word. Uh, she sure doesn’t look like she’s gettin’ ready to leave town.”
“Naw, she sure doesn’t.”
Miss Tina limped up, pointing her finger at us, and shaking her head. She looked as mean as one of them snakes. She looked around to be sure no one heard her and then she got up real close almost in our faces. We backed up as far as we could, but she just kept getting closer.
“Let me tell you something,” she said through gritted teeth, “you almost caused Doctor Carl to have a heart attack, and you know what? I’d have charged you with murder! Look at my head―I bounced around in that car with snakes running all over my feet! Ohoooo, a snake crawled right across my foot and tried to crawl up my leg!”
Miss Tina went on and on and on, and she got madder as she talked about Doctor Carl running through the screened door, and then she yelled about how much they had to pay to replace Doctor Carl’s little black bag. I thought she’d never stop.
I kept thinking about Burlington, and how they’d left town, and John Clayton had said maybe they’d just leave Norphlet because people had found out about what they were doing; so after Miss Tina slowed down to get a breath, I said, “We know ’bout Burlington and why y’all was run outta town.”
“What? What do you know ’bout Burlington?”
“Y’all did the same thing up there and got run out of town, you know, sellin’ them men stuff and having the girls foolin’ round.”
“You little worthless kids, if you think two twelve-year-olds, a few roaches, some hornets, and a snake or two is going to run us out of town, you have another think coming! I can tell you one damn thing right now: By this time next week you’ll either be in Texarkana or dead. You mark my word!” and she limped off, still cursing.
“Oh my god, Richard, why did you tell her we knew ’bout Burlington and the girls foolin’ round?”
“Well, I thought it might make them decide to leave Norphlet.”
“Leave! Leave! Did she sound like they were gonna leave? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, she said by this time next week, we’d either be in Texarkana or dead. Richard, she said, “‘or dead’”!
“Yeah, yeah, I heard her. I guess tellin’ her ’bout Burlington and the girls might not have been such a good idea.”
“Might not? Might not? You made her so mad she’s threatenin’ to kill us, and you say it “might not be a good idea! Oh, oh, what are we gonna do now?”
Me and John Clayton went into an absolute panic and for the next two days we were slipping around town like two scared rabbits, and if somebody honked a horn we’d jump three feet in the air.
We couldn’t wait to talk with Peg, an
d we found him cleaning up the pool hall. Since Peg already knew everything about Doctor Carl and Miss Tina, we went ahead and told him about the snakes. Heck, it was too good a trick not to tell somebody. Well, Peg laughed and laughed, but then he got real serious.
“Boys, I know it’s been hard to take with that damn Doctor Carl lyin’ ’bout stuff and gettin’ y’all in trouble, but you just might have gone too far with that last little trick. He’s bound to know it was y’all, and on top of that, he knows that y’all know ’bout them girls and oil-field trash. Y’all had sure better watch out ’cause this thing is a long way from being over.”
“I know, Peg, but we just couldn’t stand it sittin’ round waitin’ for that old drunk Curly Sawyer to come arrest us and send us off to Texarkana. We thought that maybe Doctor Carl was so a-scared of snakes, he might just pick up and leave if we put a bunch of snakes on him.”
“I know boys, I know, but just watch out. They’s gonna be out to get y’all, or get out of town, and somethin’ tells me that damn doctor has got such a good thing going, he ain’t ’bout to leave.”
Peg smiled and then laughed a little bit. “Damn, I can’t believe all them snakes.”
***
While all the stuff with Doctor Carl and Miss Tina took my mind off Daddy and Miss Simpson, the problem was still there and it was getting worse. I began to wonder if Miss Emma was right after I overheard Momma talking about a divorce and Daddy kept going out more and more. Me and John Clayton had checked him out a bunch of times, and he went straight to Miss Simpson’s house every time. I was in bed Friday night trying to think of something that would stop them from seeing each other. The only thing I knew for sure was, they sure didn’t wanta be seen, and Daddy was so sneaky that not a soul in Norphlet knew they were fooling around. Daddy’s car was always parked down at the pool hall, and Miss Simpson never turned her lights on, and when they saw each other at the refinery they barely spoke. Then I had a thought: Maybe that’s the answer. If they don’t want people to know. Maybe if they think everybody is gonna find out about them fooling around, then they’ll stop. I got out my school tablet and started writing a letter, and after the writing and rewriting I finally finished.
To everybody:
My name is Richard Mason and I live out on the El Dorado Highway and go to school in Norphlet. Miss Simpson, who works in the refinery office, and my daddy, Jack Mason, are seeing each other several times a week. Daddy goes by Miss Simpson’s house after it gets dark and goes around to the back door and Miss Simpson lets him in. They never turn the lights on and Daddy stays there a long time. I know they are fooling around.
I want them to quit, because if they don’t my Momma is going to divorce Daddy and take us to Oklahoma.
Please help me make them stop.
Richard Mason
For the next couple of nights I copied the letter over and over until I had over one hundred copies … enough to put one in every paper I delivered. The next day I was down at the breadbox, and I told John Clayton my plan.
“Here, John Clayton, read this letter. I’ve got a hundred copies, and I’m gonna put one with each paper I deliver tomorrow. It’s my plan to make ’em stop foolin’ round.”
John Clayton took the letter and slowly read it.
“I don’t know, Richard. It’ll probably make them stop foolin’ round, but boy, is your daddy gonna be mad, and it’s really gonna upset your momma.”
“Well, if I don’t do something Momma will divorce Daddy and we’ll move to Oklahoma. Shoot, nothin’ could be that bad. I’m gonna put one in every Sunday paper.”
“Heck, Richard, you need to talk to somebody besides me, and not another kid. This is a whole lot bigger thing than we’ve ever fooled with.”
“Who? Who could I talk to?”
“How ’bout Peg?”
“Naw, its okay to talk to Peg ’bout sorry Doctor Carl, but this is different, ’cause Daddy is one of Peg’s best customers, and Peg’s not ’bout to get involved with something like this.”
“You’re right―Hey, what ’bout Miss Emma?”
“Yeah, I’ve already told her ’bout Miss Simpson. I’ll go talk to her Saturday instead of goin’ to the Ritz.”
Saturday, Daddy let me off at the Ritz Theater and as soon as he drove off, I headed for the Randolph Hotel. I walked in the lobby and the desk clerk looked at me and smiled.
“I’ll ring Emma, son. Go sit down. She’ll be down in a few minutes.”
In just a few minutes Miss Emma got off the elevator and walked over to where I was sitting.
“Richard, I can’t believe you’re missing another picture show to come talk to me.”
“Miss Emma, I had to. Things are gettin’ worse and worse. After I told Momma what you said, things were better for a while, but Daddy is goin’ over to Miss Simpson’s house all the time now, and Momma’s startin’ to talk ’bout divorce.”
“Richard, I’m so sorry, but I can’t do a thing about it. Your daddy never comes by here anymore, and since he’s so crazy about Helen Simpson, he wouldn’t pay any attention to me anyway.”
“I know, Miss Emma, but I’ve come up with a way that might make ’em stop seeing each other, and John Clayton thought I should ask a grownup ’bout it.”
“What have you come up with, Richard?”
“Well, Miss Emma, they’re always sneakin’ round not wantin’ no one to find out ’bout what they’re doing so I decided to let everybody in town know what’s goin’ on. I wrote this letter and copied it one hundred times, and tomorrow I’m gonna put one in each paper I deliver.” I handed the letter to Miss Emma, and she slowly read it. Her mouth dropped.
“Richard, my god, this might stop them from seeing each other, but it’ll get your daddy and Miss Simpson fired. The refinery has some very strict rules because of all the women working there during the War. You can’t put this letter out. It would cause too many problems, and not only for Miss Simpson. Oh, if Helen Simpson knew you were even thinking about putting this letter in all your papers, she’d have a heart attack.”
“You don’t think I should do it, huh?”
“No, Richard, this letter would cause more trouble than you can imagine. Don’t even think of doing it.”
I nodded my head.
Miss Emma had convinced me that this letter might be too much, but I wondered what would happen if Miss Simpson just thought I was gonna put this letter in my papers, if she didn’t stop seeing Daddy.
“Well, Miss Emma, what if Miss Simpson just thought I was gonna put these letters in my papers unless she stopped seeing Daddy?”
“Richard, that’s blackmail. You could be sent to reform school if she turned you in to the police.”
“Yeah, Miss Emma that’s right, but if she turned me in everybody would know ’bout her and Daddy foolin’ round.”
For the first time Miss Emma smiled. “I sure know why you and John Clayton are always getting into so much trouble. I just wish I could be there and see Helen Simpson’s face when she reads this letter. You probably shouldn’t do this, Richard, but if you do, be careful. You’re already in enough trouble with that sorry Doctor Donaldson.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I walked away and made it back to the front of the Ritz Theater in time for Daddy to pick me up, and in a few minutes we were back home, and I was heading for Norphlet to tell John Clayton about talking to Miss Emma. I found John Clayton in the newsstand reading a funny book he’d just bought. “John Clayton, come here, quick!” I hissed.
“Okay.”
We went across the street to the breadbox, and I told him what Miss Emma had said.
“Heck, Richard, she might just give that letter to your daddy. What are you gonna do if she does?”
“I don’t know, but maybe just the idea of having everybody in town reading the letter will make her think ’bout the mess it would cause. I’m gonna be waitin’ for her when she gets off work Monday.”
On Monday afternoon I was waiting in
the parking lot for Miss Simpson to get off work, and at exactly four-thirty she walked out of the office and started for her car. She saw me and tried to look the other way, but I ran over and stood by her car.
“Miss Simpson, I need to talk to you again.”
“Richard, I told you what your dad and I are doing is none of your business, now run on home, and don’t bother me with this again.”
“Okay, Miss Simpson, but I have a letter, and I’ve made one hundred copies, and I’m gonna put one in every newspaper I deliver tomorrow.” I waved the big roll of copies where Miss Simpson could see them. She looked puzzled and took one of the letters and sat down in her car to read it.
Wow, she jumped outta that car like it was on fire, and started yelling at me: “Oh, my god, Richard, wait till I give this to your dad! You’d better not even think of putting these letters in your newspapers! Your dad will switch you within an inch of your life!”
“Yes, ma’am, he sure will, but if it’s the last thing I ever do, I’m gonna put one of these in every paper I deliver.”
“Richard this will cause your daddy a lot of trouble, and maybe even his job. Don’t you care about that?”
“Miss Simpson, if I don’t do something, Momma is gonna divorce Daddy and move me to Oklahoma. What could be worse than that?”
“Richard, I can’t believe you would do such a thing.”
“Miss Simpson this is not something I wanta do, but if you and Daddy won’t stop seeing each other, this is all I have left,” and I started to walk off.
“Wait, Richard, you can’t do this to me! I didn’t want to have anything to do with your daddy, but he’s just such an attractive man, I couldn’t resist. You’ll ruin my life if you pass out those letters.”
I stopped and walked back to where Miss Simpson was standing. She was so upset she was about to cry.
“Miss Simpson, you are ruinin’ my life right now. How would you like to be me and have to live with a momma and daddy who are always fightin’, talkin’ ’bout a divorce, and movin’ me away from all my friends?”
Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set Page 33
