Dr. Wells stood and pulled out a few pamphlets from his pocket and handed them to Tyler. “These are the names of a few support groups that can help both you and Ethan get through this. Also, my partner specializes in couples therapy.”
Tyler opened his mouth to say he something scathing like he needed to mind his own fucking business, but Dr. Wells held up his hand to stop him.
“I am not trying to offend you, Mr. Hamilton, and just so that we are clear, I didn’t ask Ethan why his partner was not here from the beginning, that is not my concern. I’m simply concerned about my patient’s mental health.”
Tyler didn’t say anything after that, he felt properly chastised for not being there for Ethan. He was certain if he told the doctor that he had no idea what was going on with Ethan, Dr. Wells would not have believed him.
“Can I see him now?” He requested.
“Yes, follow me this way,” Dr. Wells said, leading him out of the waiting room. They silently walked down to Ethan’s room and the entire time he could not stop thinking about the child he lost, and how he nearly lost Ethan as well. They never talked about the future because he was playing their relationship by ear. They stopped in front of the closed door leading to Ethan’s private room.
Dr. Wells placed a gentle hand on Tyler’s shoulder. “I’m truly sorry for your loss,” he said before walking away.
Tyler nodded his head, not entirely sure of what to say. Thank you, didn’t accurately convey what he was currently feeling. Tyler stood outside the door, his fingers shaking as they hovered over the doorknob. Tyler didn’t know what to do. His body was numb and was moving on instinct and nothing else. The entire flight, he tried to think of what he would say to Ethan once he saw him again. And now finding out that Ethan had been pregnant, he was stumped for words.
What should I say? I’m sorry you lost our baby. Tyler thought that would make him sound uncaring and unfeeling.
Tyler fought back more of his tears; he needed to be strong for Ethan. He opened the door and walked into the room on shaky legs. His legs carried him over to the bed and he sunk heavily in the chair beside Ethan’s bed. He reached out and picked up Ethan’s hand and held it in his. He kissed Ethan’s fingers and rested them against his cheek.
Tyler didn’t speak; the room was still except for the beeping of the machines. He could not stop staring at Ethan, his eyes moving from his face to the minor scratches on Ethan’s arms and body that would easily heal. Tyler kissed Ethan’s fingers again, while staring into his face willing him to wake up.
Why did you run from me, baby?
“Why is it lately that every time I see you, it’s in a hospital?” Tyler asked, not expecting an answer. “This isn’t good for our relationship, Ethan. We need to work on you running from me,” Tyler continued to speak to Ethan’s sleeping form.
Tyler had never been in that type of situation before. He was hurt and angry, his heart breaking into a million pieces. Tyler didn’t know what to do, or who to call. He loved his family, but at that moment, he didn’t want to be overwhelmed by them. He also didn’t have answers to their questions they’d no doubt ask. There were so many things going through his mind.
Why did you run so far from me?
Tyler angrily wiped at the tears that fell and focused on Ethan sleeping on the bed in front of him. He was angry at Ethan, but knew that he would need to hold onto his anger until he was able to express it. He was a dad for a couple of months and didn’t know it. How was he supposed to feel about that?
“How could you do this to me, Ethan? How could you keep the knowledge of my child from me?” Tyler demanded, showing a small glimpse of how hurt he was.
But even through his pain, he was also concerned about Ethan and hoped that they would be able to get through the loss of their child, together. Tyler did not want to think of Etan dealing with their loss on his own. Tyler had never imagined himself to be weak, he was able to withstand anything that life threw his way. But the thought of dealing with the loss of his child alone was not something he could overcome without Ethan by his side.
** ** ** ** **
Ethan woke to the sounds of steady beeping; wherever he was, it was bathed in darkness and he couldn’t move. He remembered a few things, like getting into his car to run a few errands and then picking up dinner. Ethan remembered he had a craving for a large Hawaiian pizza with extra pineapples.
Ethan was leaving the restaurant, chuckling to himself and patting his tummy as he walked to his car. He couldn’t believe that he had just ate an entire pizza by himself. Ethan recalled getting into his car and pulling out of his parking spot. He drove a couple blocks before stopping at the light, waiting for it to change. Ethan didn’t see the car heading his way, he only felt the impact of it hitting his car.
Instinctively, Ethan placed a hand on his stomach and rubbed it. He was not showing yet, still in his early stages, but he was already in love with his child. Ethan was eager whenever he had an appointment, hearing his baby’s heartbeat, simply knowing that a part of Tyler was growing inside of him.
Ethan kept every sonogram picture from his doctor visits and documented his experience. He did not want to miss a moment of his pregnancy experience. Ethan could not wait until he had a baby bump and was able to see the changes in his body. The only thing he didn’t do was purchase maternity clothes.
Ethan brows creased together in confusion. Something feels wrong. And like a flood, emotions swept through him. He started to remember getting to the hospital and the doctor giving instructions to the nurses and Ethan unable to understand what they were talking about.
Ethan whimpered, and let out a strangled cry, “No...no.... Give him back.…I want my baby!” Tears streamed down the sides of his face. Ethan ignored the arms that suddenly wrapped around him. He didn’t care; the only thing he wanted was to have his child back inside of him. “Give him back to me, please.” His body racked with emotions, he felt empty and so lost. He could not understand what happened or why his baby was gone.
“Shh, it’s okay, everything is going to be fine.” Ethan heard the comforting words, but they did not register. He tried to pull away from the arms, but they held on to him, tightly rocking him back and forth. Soft kisses that were supposed to soothe him only made him angry.
“It’s going to be alright, I promise, Ethan.”
He pressed his face into the chest of the person holding him and let his tears fall freely. “It’s not fair,” he cried.
“No, it’s not,” the voice answered, it sounded just as broken as Ethan’s. He clung to the person holding him.
The arms holding him become rigid, and through the numbness of his mind, Ethan felt hot liquid falling onto his forehead and mixing with his own tears. Ethan lifted his head and with blurry eyes recognized the person holding him.
Tyler.
Ethan wanted to be shocked that Tyler was there but couldn’t, Ethan needed him. He needed Tyler in that instant. Ethan lifted his arms and circled them as far as they could go around Tyler, holding on to him as if his life depended on it and continued to sob. He felt completely empty, inside and out. His heart ached for his child. The baby he loved for four months and would never get a chance to meet.
My baby, I want my baby.
** ** ** ** **
The next time Ethan woke up, he simply opened his eyes; he didn’t speak or make any movements. Ethan stared at the white ceiling and listened to the sound of the machines beeping in the room. He wondered why it was that nothing in his life seemed to work in his favor. Never one to believe in the supernatural, he wasn’t ruling out the possibility that he had somehow pissed someone off in his past life and they placed a voodoo curse on him in this one.
Ethan closed his eyes to block out the light, wishing he could block out the sound of everything else around him. He couldn’t run anymore. Tears slowly fell from his eyes; there was nowhere else to run.
After witnessing Tyler and his other lover kissing, he had gone home and booked
the first flight to the first place that came to his mind. Why? Ethan didn’t know. He knew he couldn’t go to New Orleans, it would be the first place anyone looking for him would search. Granted the only person that knew he still owned the property was Christen. But, in Alaska no one knew him or his family ties to ask questions.
Staying in Alaska was not permanent, just a place for him to think and get his head on straight. The first few days, Ethan stayed in a hotel because he planned on returning home at the end of the week. He had still been feeling unsure of what to do and the next thing he knew, he was looking for an apartment to rent, and a doctor.
Using an unlisted number, Ethan had called and explained to his assistant and Vice Principal that he was dealing with some personal issues and needed some time to himself. Sharon Rhoades, his Vice Principal, agreed to take over running the school until he decided to return. He also gave her specific instructions to contact him if she required further assistance.
Ethan thought he had everything covered, though he knew his friends and family would be worried not hearing from him. The continued excuse of needing time away kept repeating in his mind until he eventually started to believe it. In his haste when he was packing a few things, Ethan grabbed the letters that Richard gave him and began reading them.
James Beaumont was in love with Richard’s mother, Sylvia Phillips, who later became Kaisson. Sylvia got pregnant and disappeared only to resurface a year after James had been forced to marry Simone, because of financial and family obligations. It hurt Ethan when he realized that his father had had to marry a woman that he never loved in the first place. Ethan could not imagine the turmoil James must have lived through.
There was so much history and love between James and Sylvia, it made Ethan wonder if his father also cheated on Simone. While reading one of the letters, Ethan was shocked to find out that his father had asked Sylvia to marry him, telling her he would divorce Simone. But sadly, it seemed Sylvia turned him down, because she was about to marry another man she cared about and begged James not to write her anymore or look for her. And that he needed to forget about her and what they shared, to move on with his life and focus on his own marriage.
In another letter to James that was dated five years after Richard was born, Sylvia revealed to James that he had a son and that she will love him forever. She expressed how much she missed him, and that she made a mistake turning down his proposal. But James never read that letter because Sylvia never mailed it to him. James died never knowing that he had another son or the woman he loved still loved him. As much as Ethan wanted to deny it, he had a brother, and he still could not decide if that was a good thing or not.
Ethan felt as if everything was happening too fast. Getting pregnant was not in the cards, but he did not regret his child. The child he no longer carried inside of him.
What will happen now?
There were so many times in those four months he would pick up his phone to call Christen or better yet Tyler, to beg their forgiveness for not calling them. But Ethan had no idea what to say, what would make Tyler understand where he was coming from.
Hey, I’m pregnant, and it’s yours.
Doesn’t really make up for the way he handled things, sneaking out in the middle of the night. Ethan simply decided not to call either of them.
“Did you plan on telling me?” Ethan heard the question and knew exactly who the voice belonged to. It was raspy, as if he’d been crying. He squeezed his eyes tighter, hoping that when he opened them, Tyler wouldn’t be there.
“Please, Ethan, answer me. Were you ever going to tell me that I was going to be a father?” Tyler sounded angry and hurt. And Ethan couldn’t blame him.
It was one thing to keep a secret from his friends, but the father of his child was another. For Tyler to find out about being a father and then losing it in one breath had a different type of emotion and Ethan couldn’t imagine what the other man was feeling.
“Yes,” Ethan rasped out, opening his eyes. He turned his head to face Tyler when he heard him sigh. Their eyes connected and Ethan saw dark circles under Tyler's green orbs. His hair was disheveled, as if he had been running his hands through it all night in worry or anger. Possibly both. “I know you're angry, and you have every right to be,” Ethan started, “but can you yell at me another time? I don’t think I can deal with it right now.”
Tyler stared at him; Ethan saw just how angry Tyler was by the violent ticking in his jaw, evidence of his struggle, trying to keep his anger at bay. Tyler closed his eyes and roughly scrubbed his face. He leaned over to rest his elbows on his thighs; locking his fingers together, he rested his chin on his fingers. “I can do that, but you have to promise me something, Ethan.”
Ethan nodded his head, he had a feeling what Tyler was going to ask him to promise.
“You have to promise me no more running.” Tyler got up and stood beside Ethan’s bed. “You were not the only one that lost something; I did too, a child I never knew about. How do you expect me to deal with that?” Tyler did not wait for an answer. “So we deal with our loss and feelings together. I’m not giving up on you, on us.”
He couldn’t run anymore; there was nowhere else for him to run. Ethan felt raw with emotion, so he simply said, “Ok.”
Tyler looked down and nodded his head before he backed away and sat back in his chair. They didn’t speak or make a sound. The only noise in the room was the beeping of the machines and the constant breaking of his heart.
** ** ** ** **
Tyler watched Ethan sleep, what the fuck are we going to do? He was tired and needed sleep himself, but his concern was for Ethan. He wanted to care for him and love him. He told Ethan that he couldn’t run from him, but he was also doing the same. He was running away from his own feelings. Sooner or later, Tyler realized that he was going to have to confront his anger.
He only hoped that when the moment happened, he wouldn’t say something that could hurt his lover. That was exactly what Ethan was to him, he had already decided that he was keeping him no matter what.
Tyler slouched in his chair and looked at the ceiling. Why does it seem like bad shit keeps on happening, and especially to Ethan?
Tyler sat up, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and simply watched Ethan sleep. He felt helpless. The last time they were in a similar situation he knew what to do, he knew how to fix it, he felt completely useless. I don’t know how to fix this, baby. He couldn’t take it anymore. Tyler got up and walked out of the room, pulling his phone out of his pocket, he dialed the one person he knew he could talk to.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Dad,” Tyler croaked.
“Tyler, are you ok?” Asher sounded worried, which was understandable.
“Yeah, you know we haven’t spoken in a while and I thought I would give you a call.” Tyler leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. Tears streamed down his cheeks and emotions he had been holding back spilled out.
“What’s going on, son?” Asher whispered.
“When did you realize you were in love with mom?” Tyler whispered.
Asher chuckled. “The moment I saw her standing there, yelling at the receptionist.” Tyler could hear the wistful tone in his father’s voice. “I’m sure you heard the story many times growing up, but in truth, she was the one and there was never a doubt in my mind.” Tyler nodded his head, even though his father could not see his actions. “Before I met your mom, I ran away from love and focused only on what I thought was important and only focused on what I wanted to achieve. In some aspect you boys got that from me.” Asher was silent for a few seconds before he asked. “Why are you asking me this now, Tyler?”
Tyler cleaned his face off with his sleeves and opened his eyes. “Life is funny at times, isn’t it, Dad?” he asked and continued without waiting for an answer. “I mean all this time he was there, standing in front of me, and I never realized it.”
He heard shuffling on the other end of the phone and assum
ed his father was moving to another room. “Ah, I see you have finally figured out your feelings for Ethan,” Asher said shocking the shit out of Tyler.
“You… you knew, who else does?”
“I’m pretty sure your mother suspects something. But I am the only that knew you both had feelings for each other.” Tyler remained silent on the phone, not sure what to say. “What’s going on, son?”
“God, where do I start?”
“How about the beginning?” Asher instructed.
Tyler nodded his head and began talking, giving his father the edited version of his and Ethan’s relationship. His father didn’t interrupt even when he got to the part about finding Ethan bloody and beaten up in his home. He told his dad how he had to practically beg him for a name. Tyler also told his dad about the information he got on Sean Pearson. When Tyler got to the part that Ethan was pregnant and losing the baby, he choked.
His dad was quiet for a few minutes and he knew that his father was processing the information. “Wow, I don’t know what to say,” Asher sighed, breaking the silence.
“Now you know how I feel.” Tyler turned and pressed his back to the window. “I want to be with him, Dad. I know now that he’s the one for me. Maybe I have always known and fought it just as much as he did, but we have so much shit to work through.”
“I can understand Ethan’s reason for keeping things to himself. You know, son, after the death of his father, I noticed some subtle changes in him. He stopped coming around the family as much as he used to and even though we saw him as a part of our family, he had never seen himself as one of us. Your mother and I love Ethan and I’m sure when she finds out she will be ecstatic that you are finally settling down, but Ethan needs to know that we love him and want him with us. But first I want to ask you something. How angry are you?”
Tyler knew exactly what his father was asking. “I don’t know. I mean, I found out I was a dad for two seconds.”
Loving You: Mpreg Romance (My One-Night Stand Series Book 2) Page 14
