by Shae Scott
Imagine that.
It stuck with me. Because even then, as a fourteen year old kid, I knew I would have taken the job. I wasn’t going to give up anything for anybody. I had dreams and I was going to travel the world. At the time I thought that made me better than my dad. Now, it just makes me feel like an asshole.
The point is, I know what love is. I know what it takes. I know what the real life fairytale requires. And I know that Quinn was made for that life. I could write her into that scene a thousand times. She belongs there. She fits. She gives without thinking, she loves completely. It’s effortless for her.
The problem comes when I try to write myself into the same scene. I can’t do it. No matter how I twist it, it never quite fits. And I know why. I’ve always known why. It’s not my part to fill. I’m the guy you have fun with, the guy you get out of your system, that crazy thing you did once. I’m not the guy you fall in love with.
Only she says that she loves me. And God help me, I believe her.
How can three words feel so amazing and still suffocate me? Because I swear I haven’t taken a deep breath since she said them. My heart hasn’t steadied and my head is a mess.
She’s looking at me with patient eyes and I feel like I’m walking across broken glass.
I don’t know how to do this.
I’m not this guy.
This isn’t my story.
Fuck, I wish it was.
"ARE YOU READY to go?" I called out. I was distracted. It felt as if my whole body held a constant vibration. My brain volleyed from constant analyzing to white noise.
The last thing I wanted to do was go to Parker's little party. She was constantly pushing me to do these things, telling me it was good to keep my connections pliable. I just felt like her show pony. On the other hand, it was a distraction from everything that hung between Quinn and me, from all of the things that I wasn't ready to confront just yet.
"I'm ready to go," she said, pulling me from my thoughts. I looked up to see her in the doorway of the bedroom. My breath caught, the way it always did when the sight of her surprised me. Her dress was pale pink, the skirt brushing across her toned legs. She gave me a shy smile and I contemplated taking her back to bed.
"You look amazing," I offered. She walked towards me and kissed my cheek.
"So do you."
I leaned in to kiss her. It was all that I could do. I craved her. It overtook everything else. When I held her close and kissed her I didn’t have to worry with the jumbled thoughts crowding my brain. I didn’t have to deal with the heaviness in my chest or figure out what any of it meant. I could just get lost in her for a moment, and take a breath.
I don’t know if she could feel the chaos I had beneath the surface, but I assumed she could. We were connected. She had become a part of fabric of who I was. I used to find that comforting, now it felt like a collar that was too tight.
We were quiet on the ride to the party. Quinn didn't push me to talk, she knew my head space was a mess and she was giving me time to work it out. I hated that my silence was probably causing her to doubt, but I was so grateful to her for allowing me the space. Her patience with me was more than I deserved. I rested my hand on her thigh, just under the material so that I could trace lines along her skin. I needed the connection; I needed something to ground me.
The cab pulled up to the party and I let out a heavy sigh. I didn't miss the concerned look that she gave me, she was worried about me. I gave her a reassuring smile, "We don't have to stay long. I'm mostly making an appearance to appease Parker. But you might meet some good people here," I offered.
"It'll be fun. Don't worry about me," she smiled.
I took her hand and led her into the restaurant where the party was being held. Quinn stuck close beside me as we moved into the crowd. As soon as we stepped in, I wanted to leave. I wasn't in the mood. I wasn’t even sure I could fake it. Quinn gave my hand a squeeze and it calmed me down.
After grabbing us a drink I pulled her from group to group introducing her to people. At the very least maybe she would make some good connections. Sometimes finding the right job was about knowing the right people. The right introduction could get her to New York to stay.
I was mid introduction when the direction of my thoughts took hold. Here I was freaking out about the L-bomb and I was practically moving her in. What the fuck was wrong with me? I was a complete fucking fraud. I felt my heart begin to pound erratically in my chest. I caught the worried look that Quinn flicked my way before jumping in and taking over the conversation.
"Are you okay?" she asked me quietly as we pulled ourselves away from the group.
"Yeah, I just got distracted," I mumbled.
"Keaton, there you are. I was starting to think that you weren't coming." Parker. She walked up, wearing sky high heels to match her red, skintight dress.
"Of course I came. You'd have my head if I didn’t," I forced a laugh and hoped no one noticed the sweat that had broken out across my forehead.
"It's about time you started to fear me," she smiled before turning her attention to Quinn.
"Quinn, this is my agent Parker. She's the one who is constantly busting my ass," I smiled. Quinn smiled and shook her hand as I continued the introduction, "And this is my friend, Quinn," I said. I felt her tense beside me and I couldn't even look at her. I could lie and say it was an accident, but I’d said it on purpose. I knew it had hurt her, especially after last night. I don't know why I'd said it. But for a moment it had felt good. Like for just a beat I had control.
I watched as Quinn and Parker shook hands. I didn't miss the once over that Parker gave her or the sideways glance she threw at me. Parker had known me a long time. I didn't have friends and I didn't introduce girls into my life. Quinn gave her a sweet smile, but I couldn't help but notice how it didn't quite reach her eyes; the fact driven home further when she looked at me with the same fake enthusiasm. I'd hurt her. It had been a dick move.
Parker and Quinn made small talk while I drank my beer. I barely heard them. I was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to explain myself to Quinn once we were alone. Parker excused herself and I reached down to take Quinn's hand. I needed another drink.
"Do you want some wine or something?" I asked, glancing around for the nearest bar. I stopped when she yanked her hand out of mine and glared up at me, anger mixing with the pain.
"What was that about?" she asked, her tone eerily calm.
"What was what?" I asked, pretending I didn't know what she meant, but I avoided her eyes because I knew she'd see straight through me.
"Don't pull that crap with me, Keaton. So, we're going to pull the friend card?"
"Sorry. Parker doesn't need to know my business," I said, hoping my nonchalant attitude would diffuse the situation.
"What's going on, Keaton? You've been acting weird all day," she said, her anger fading and her doubt taking over. "Is this about last night? I told you --."
I cut her off, giving her a big smile and pulling her close to me. "Last night was amazing. I'm sorry. Really. I'm just-- I didn't want to have to stand there and listen to all of her questions," I said.
Her eyes narrowed, studying me for the truth. She didn't believe me. I had known she wouldn't, but I watched her relax a little and I knew that she was going to give me a pass for now.
"Wine?" I asked again.
She gave me a small nod and I led her towards the bar, giving her hand a squeeze, one that I hoped would reassure her where my words and my actions couldn't. I just needed some time to wrap my head around it all.
Quinn settled in beside me as we mingled with the crowds and made small talk with strangers. She held onto my hand tightly, as if she was afraid to lose the connection, but to everyone else she appeared happy and friendly, making fast friends with everyone she met. But each time our eyes met I knew that we were only on borrowed time. She smiled up at me, but it never quite filled her eyes. I saw the hesitancy and doubt that was starting to settle
in and I knew I needed to get her alone and try and take it away.
I still had no idea what I would say. I didn't even really know how I felt about everything, but I couldn't stand to see that look in her eyes. I couldn't handle the fact that I had hurt her by being so flippant and casual about everything.
I leaned down my mouth grazing her ear as I asked, "You ready to get out of here?" I could smell her faint perfume mixing with the shampoo she'd used this morning. I couldn't help but breathe it in.
She nodded, "Okay." I thought I saw her take a deep breath. As much as she wanted answers I wondered if she was as nervous as I was about what those answers might be.
I followed her into an empty elevator and moved in close to her as the doors closed behind me. She backed up to the wall and I slid my hand behind her neck, resting my forehead against hers. I felt her take in a breath and let it out slowly. Neither of us spoke, but the way we filled the same space stirred the air mixing up passion and questions.
The elevator car reached the bottom and I reluctantly stepped away. I grabbed her hand and led her out into the hotel lobby, pulling her against me as we walked towards the valet and waited for a cab.
"Are you cold?" I asked finally as we stood in the chilly night air.
She shook her head, "I'm okay." She offered me up a smile and I had to lean in and kiss her. The tension that had been between us all night was too much for me and I needed the connection.
I didn't try to start the conversation until we were in the apartment. Quinn had gone straight to the bedroom. I followed her, stopping in the doorway as she reached back to slide the zipper of her dress down, the pale pink material folding at the waist.
"Quinn," I started. Suddenly I was swallowing through sand, not even sure I could get the words out. She turned to look over her shoulder at me and I swear my heart stopped. I stepped towards her and she turned to face me. I slid the dress down her body as her eyes met and held mine. She put her hands on my shoulders and stepped out and away from the pool of fabric. She'd already kicked her shoes off and the lack of heels made her seem so small in front of me.
"I owe you an explanation," I said softly.
"Let's get ready for bed," she said. I let her unbutton each button of my shirt; she did so without hurry, her fingers brushing against my chest. When she reached the bottom she tugged the shirt from its hold and then pushed it off of my shoulders. She dropped it onto the floor next to her dress and then started unclasping my belt. I watched her work, kicking out of my pants once they hit the floor. Then she ran her hands under my white undershirt, across my heated skin, pushing up until it was over my head. I expected her to throw it on the pile with everything else, but instead she slid it over her head, letting it fall along her body where it brushed against her bare thighs. My gaze lingered.
She took my hand and pulled me to the bed. Since she was now wearing my shirt, I had to imagine she wasn't planning a seduction. Little did she know the sight of her in that shirt did more to me than the fancy dress. I sat, leaning against the headboard and she climbed in beside me, sitting cross legged.
She waited.
"I'm sorry I hurt you tonight," I said reaching out to take her hand. Her skin was soft and running my thumb across it soothed me.
She continued to wait.
"I don't know what to say," I admitted softly.
"Try."
I took a moment. I wanted to tell her what I was feeling, but I was having trouble getting a handle on what that even was.
"Babe, you threw me for a loop yesterday. I wasn't expecting it. I was amazed by it, don't get me wrong, but I'm thrown," I said.
I watched her take a deep breath and as she let it out she seemed to relax a little.
"I know,' she said.
I needed to find a way to explain it to her. I couldn't handle that look in her eyes, the questions and doubt that stared back at me. They put my heart in a vice grip and it made it hard to breathe.
"When I'm with you everything feels right, it feels easy," I said. She gave me a little smile.
"Yeah," she agreed.
"It scares me," I admitted. I hated how vulnerable I sounded. How vulnerable I felt. I wasn't used to feeling this out of control, especially over something like my feelings.
"What is it that scares you exactly?"
I found her eyes, needing her to feel the truth and understand how deeply I cared for her.
"That it will get hard. That we will lose this. That I won't know how to do hard," I finished. Her face softened and she moved closer, straddling me. She took my face into her hands, brushing her thumbs across my cheeks. I wanted to close my eyes and sigh into her touch, but I held her gaze.
"We're going to have hard days," she admitted. "But we can get through them. I know that we can. Just don't shut me out. I can't handle it when you shut me out."
I swallowed hard and nodded. She was right. Sometimes it still surprised me just how well she understood me. I couldn't hide from her and while part of me loved the comfort of that transparency, it was terrifying. "I'm sorry about tonight. I'm sorry about a lot of things," I said.
"We're fine. Just talk to me. Before you get like this. I know I dropped a bomb on you. I didn't plan on it, but I'm not sorry that I did. I meant it. But that's all me, there is no pressure here. I just want to be with you, just like this," she said. She ran her hands down my bare chest, her touch like tiny electrodes zapping me with electricity and lust.
I smiled and shifted my hips beneath her, "Just like this?" She bit her lip as I teased her.
“You’re impossible,” she said.
“Let me make it up to you?” I asked. She pretended to think about it for a minute before a smile touched her lips and I knew I was forgiven.
“Okay.”
TALK ABOUT BEING nervous. It was one thing to meet the parents, it was another thing to be there for a big Harris family get together. I told myself not to worry. Keaton was right here by my side and Miles would be there so that made two people that I already knew. Besides, maybe it would be easier just to jump into the deep end and meet everyone at once.
I wasn't the only one who seemed nervous. Keaton had been fidgety all day. It amused me, my strong confident guy nervous about bringing a girl home. Then it occurred to me that he probably didn't bring many, if any, girls home. That took my nerves to a whole new level.
Maybe I was putting too much pressure on him. I mean, I'd already dropped the L-bomb on him. I was starting to worry that I was pushing him too fast. Normally I would have already spent ample time analyzing all of the pieces and parts of the situation, but I realized I hadn't stopped to give it a second thought. That's what Keaton did to me. He made me act first, think later.
"So, this is going to be a pretty big shindig?" I asked, trying to pull off casual.
He shrugged, "My family loves big get-togethers. Any excuse for mom to get the entire family together is fair game. Especially since Alycia has babies now. Everything revolves around the babies," he laughed. His eyes lit up when he talked about his nieces. He appeared to take his job as uncle very seriously. Favorite uncle as he called it. Evidently he and Miles volleyed back and forth for the title.
I fidgeted with the plate of brownies on my lap, smoothing the cellophane on the pan. He reached over and took my hand and placed a kiss on my nervous fingers. "It's going to be fine, Quinn. Don't be nervous. They will adore you, I know it."
I smiled, letting his words reassure me. I couldn't get rid of the nerves completely, but he settled them down and gave me better control of them.
We pulled up to the large yellow house and I could instantly tell it was full of life. Kids ran around in the large front yard, chasing one another and laughing in high squealed bursts whenever someone got too close. I took a deep breath. It was game time. I couldn't help but wonder how it was that Keaton had appeared so smooth and collected when he'd met my parents.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Okay," I said. My answer made him lau
gh and he leaned over to kiss me. He let his lips brush against my own before placing his hand behind my neck and pulling me to him so he could deepen the kiss. I melted into him, nerves gone, worries lost. He soothed them all. Maybe I could just stay here in this car with him all day and no one would notice.
He pulled back and kissed the tip of my nose. "I needed that too," he smiled. At least we were in this together.
He came around and opened my door, taking the tray of sweets and then offering me his hand. I took it and held on like it was my lifeline. As we walked towards the door, the kids spotted him and made a beeline for us. Just as they reached us, he leaned in to my ear and said, "You're beautiful. I should have told you before." My heart melted.
"Uncle Keaton!" said one of the girls who was currently grabbing onto his leg.
"Have you seen Lexi anywhere? I heard she was going to be here," he said as he shielded his eyes with one hand as if searching all around for Lexi. The little girl giggled.
"I'm Lexi," she protested as she turned her little face up to Keaton, staring in awe.
Keaton looked down, handed me the pan of brownies and then knelt to her level. He held her at arms length pretending to study her closely, turning her around and eying her skeptically. She laughed, the sound like music. "Uncle Keaton, it's me!"
"Can't be, Lexi was not this tall," he frowned.
"I am, I am," she said as her giggles spilled out in playful waves.
Keaton pretended to think about it, "There really is only one way I can know for sure," he said very seriously. Lexi waited to hear what it was, as did I.
"Tickle monster," he said matter-of-factly, and then he grabbed her up and tickled her sides as she shrieked delightedly. Then he hoisted her on his shoulders and threw me a wink. My vote for favorite uncle would totally go to him. There was no way he could lose.
We walked into the house and were greeted by a wave of voices and chatter.
"Uncle Keaton is here and he brought a pretty girl," Lexi shouted from his shoulders.