by Sable Hunter
“Don’t say things like that! You’re rude!” Kelli spoke up as she continued to fight off the unwanted attention.
The girls’ admiration didn’t sit well with their male cohorts. They formed a barrier between Benjen and Kelli, who was still struggling to keep her handsy admirer at arm’s length.
“I said leave her alone!” With one swipe of his arm, he pushed the duo out of the way and grabbed the goateed wonder by the scruff of his neck. “Back-off, jerk!” He slung the guy to one side as he bent to check on the girl. “Are you okay?”
She nodded but pointed behind him. “Watch out!”
Benjen turned in time to see the three Mouseketeers rushing him. Giving a war whoop, he broadened his stance and braced for the impact. Kelli and Denise squealed their alarm as the tussle began.
“You want to play cowboys and Indians? Bring it on!” Having spent years in horseplay with his older brothers, Benjen welcomed the challenge. He fought the young men off easily, tossing them one by one into the river.
“Gah, you are incredible!” A hand snaked up his arm, but it was the wrong hand.
“Thanks.” He gave Denise a polite smile, before turning to Kelli. The moment their eyes met, he felt the Earth move. Time seemed to slow down and Benjen knew this girl would be someone who would change his life. “My name is Benjen Blackhawk and I’d be honored to escort you safely home.”
“Yes, please, I’d like that, Benjen.”
When she smiled at him, he felt his heart swell. “My truck and my clothes are a few yards downstream.” When he offered her his arm and she took it, Benjen felt ten feet tall.
…And from that moment their separate paths became one…
Apple at 18
“She’s in a better place.”
The common phrase of consolation brought Apple no comfort. Her baby wasn’t in a better place, she was dead. The better place would be Jenny alive and in her arms. “Thank you.” Even in the midst of her grief, she knew her mother-in-law meant well.
“I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Her own mother hovered nearby, ready to support her if she stumbled. After suffering complications at the birth, Apple was weak and emotionally drained. “Where’s Alan?” She looked around the funeral home’s viewing room to see if she could spot her husband. He was nowhere in sight.
“He’s outside with his dad,” Alan’s mother murmured softly as she placed a sympathetic hand on Apple’s arm. “He’s taking this hard too, you know.”
“I know.” Truthfully, she had a hard time discerning what her husband was thinking at times. The only place they seemed to be close was in bed. Other times, Alan was in his own world, one that seldom included her. He’d been depressed lately. His father’s business had failed, leaving him without a career plan. The book he was working on never seemed to get off the ground. At the moment, they didn’t know how they’d make ends meet. Still, she loved him to distraction.
He was her world, even more now that they’d lost their child.
“She only lived a week. A week.” Apple couldn’t imagine how the tiny little girl had made such an impact on her heart and soul in such a short time – but she had. “I’ll miss her forever.”
She rose to make one more trip to her daughter’s casket. The small white box sitting on a raised platform was surrounded by floral tributes. Her mother and mother-in-law dutifully stood to accompany her. “Don’t you want to get some fresh air?” Marie Wright asked as she kept a steadying hand on her own child’s narrow back.
“Yes, we could meet up with the men and go get a bite to eat. You have to be hungry.” Inez Cates suggested as she followed along with the other two, nodding at the few friends and neighbors who’d come to pay their respects.
“Not now. I only have so long with her, I don’t want to waste a minute.” Apple stopped as she drew near the miniature coffin. “She looks exactly like a porcelain doll. Just perfect.” As she gazed at the face of her baby, Apple’s heart broke in two.
…After the funeral, Apple and Alan stood together as the casket was lowered into the ground. She held tightly to his arm and cried like the world was ending. Barely able to stand, she let her husband support her as they thanked the preacher, the members of their family, and others who’d attended the graveside service. After what seemed like an eternity, the young couple made their way slowly out of the small-town cemetery.
“How are you feeling?” Alan asked as he opened the creaking, iron gate near where the truck was parked.
“I feel like I’m in a daze. A dream, a nightmare really. I keep expecting to wake up and find myself in our bed, holding my baby.”
“It just wasn’t meant to be, Apple. Jenny was born with too many problems.”
“I hate it.” Apple kicked a pinecone lying in her path as hard as she could, almost losing her footing.
She was going to hate this even more, Alan thought. “I have something to tell you,” he told her as he opened the truck door and gave her a hand climbing in.
“What?”
He didn’t answer until he was behind the wheel and backing out of the dirt drive. “I joined the Marines. I leave this afternoon.”
“What? No!” Apple doubled over with pain. The incision from her surgery was still very tender and any sudden movement made her feel as if she was being ripped in two. “You can’t!”
“I have to. I couldn’t find work. My writing isn’t paying off.” He needed to get away. To escape. He felt as if he were being slowly smothered.
“How? We’ve talked about this before and you told me you couldn’t enlist because of the transplant.” She was shaking so hard, Apple had to wrap her arms around her middle just to be able to stay upright.
Alan dry-scrubbed his face, hating he had to explain himself. “Well, I read an article about the military’s need for interpreters. I went to a Marine career counselor and sold my abilities. Since I don’t have to take the anti-rejection drugs, they were willing to grant me a waiver.”
“So, that’s it? You’re leaving me?”
“I’ll be back on leave. And once I’m stationed somewhere, you can move into military housing near the base.”
Apple felt like she might faint. “This is the worst of times. I don’t think I can make it without you.”
“You have the family. You won’t be alone.”
His attempts at soothing over the thundering shock of his announcement failed miserably. “I don’t want you to go. Please. Stay. I can’t handle your leaving. Not now.”
“You’ll get over it.”
Apple jerked her head up and stared at Alan, stunned at his attitude. “Get over it? Get over my baby’s death? My husband abandoning me?”
Alan frowned, pressing his foot down harder on the gas pedal. “I’m not abandoning you. I’m serving my country.”
“Your country doesn’t need you as much as I do!”
“You’ll be fine. You’ll adjust.” He didn’t know for sure, all he knew was that he had to get out of here. He had to escape.
That evening, after Apple drove Alan to the bus stop, she returned home alone.
Alone.
Benjen at 22
“So, you’re getting married? Does Daniel know?” Sam asked as he and Benjen rode behind a herd of cattle they were moving to a new grazing pasture.
“I haven’t talked to Daniel and I’m not getting married. Not right away.” Benjen grinned at his brother. “I’m getting engaged. Big difference.”
“Not the way I see it. Both spell the end of all good things.”
“Depends on how you look at it, I guess.” Benjen hid a smile. Sometimes he felt older than all of his brothers. “Mom and Dad had a great marriage.”
“Yea, I guess it all hinges on ending up with the right woman.”
“True. And I have.” Benjen was certain of that fact. “Kelli is the one for me. I can’t imagine my life without her. We’ve been inseparable since the moment we met – almost four years ago.”
“
True. Where we see one of you, we usually see the other one.”
“We finished high school together, we went to college together, we’ve planned our life together and now…”
“Now, you’re ready to get to the good part?” Sam leered at his brother.
“Yea.” He wasn’t going to say more. What went on between him and Kelli was private. “I’m headed over tonight to ask her father for her hand.”
“I bet it’s not only her hand you’re interested in.”
“You’re so crude.” If his brothers knew he and Kelli were waiting until they were married to have sex, they’d have something to say about it and Benjen didn’t want to hear it. What he and the woman he loved did, or didn’t do, when they were alone together was their business. “Have a little respect. Kelli is a lady.”
“She’s nice. And pretty. I’ll give you that.” Sam punched him playfully in the arm as their mounts drew near one another on a narrow part of the trail. “You’re a lucky guy.”
“I am.” He wouldn’t argue with the truth, that was for sure. “You know, I’m proud of our family.”
“Yea?” Sam guided his horse around a big mud puddle. Rain had fallen the night before, hard and steady for more than an hour. Dust had settled and the land seemed to glow with gratitude, the colors of the Earth looked vibrant. The air smelled fresh and the sky was a robust blue. “How so?”
“After Father was killed, there were people who expected us to fail.”
Sam chuckled. “Hell, there were folks praying for us to fail. This is prime Hill Country property; more than one person had their sights set on acquiring Blackhawk Ranch.”
“True, but we fooled them. With Daniel at the helm, we pulled it off.”
“We worked our asses off, you mean. Especially you. You went to college and still managed to come home most nights and every weekend to do what was needed with the cattle and whatever else was going on at the time. Even that girlfriend of yours pitched in at every opportunity.”
Sam’s praise of Kelli made Benjen smile. “She’s going to fit in perfectly with our family. Plus, she’s going to make me the happiest man in the world.” He couldn’t wait to make the pretty lady his wife.
As they rode along, Sam pointed at a young sorrel mare rolling in mud. “I guess we’d better pick up some more fly dope.”
“I want to try something different this time. Mixing garlic powder in their feed.”
Sam chuckled at Benjen’s suggestion. “Are we going organic? You didn’t learn that at A&M, did you?”
“You’d be surprised what I learned at Aggieland.”
“Next thing I know you’ll be wanting to pipe opera music out into the fields to soothe their little nerves.”
Benjen was about to respond to Sam’s sarcasm when the sound of approaching hoofbeats drew their attention. “Wonder what’s up?” Bringing their mounts to a halt, they waited as Easy and Daniel joined them.
“Is the house on fire or were we contacted by aliens?” Sam asked in his usual dry delivery.
It only took one glance at his brothers’ faces for Benjen to know something was wrong. He’d seen that look on Daniel’s face twice, once when his mother passed and the other when their father was killed. “What’s wrong?”
Daniel and Easy looked at one another and then at Benjen, as if they dreaded putting their message into words.
“Tell me. What’s happened?” In the few seconds this exchange was taking place, his brain was racing at the possibilities – and it only came up with the unfathomable. “Is it Kelli?”
“She…she collapsed, Benjen. Her father just called.”
Benjen didn’t wait to hear more. He urged his horse into a gallop and set out for home. His heart was racing in his chest and his mind had ceased to function.
“Stop!” Daniel rode up beside him, keeping pace, reaching over to grasp the reins of Benjen’s horse. “Stop!”
Benjen tried to push his arm away. “I’ve got to get to her, Daniel!” he shouted, tears running down his cheeks. He knew in his heart what his mind didn’t want to accept. Sometimes he hated the wisps of foreknowledge that would come to him like trails of smoke.
“She’s gone.”
“No, she’s not. She’s fine.” There was no other acceptable reality. He struck out at Daniel. “Let me go.”
“We’ll go, yes. Of course. But I need you to listen to me a minute.”
Three brothers surrounded the fourth, willing their strength to become his.
If the words didn’t reach his ears, he could deny the horrific truth. “I don’t want to hear.” His voice was harsh and his vision was clouded by tears.
“It happened so fast. They rushed her to the hospital, but it was too late. The doctor’s say she had a brain aneurysm.”
“No!” The resounding cry of Benjen’s grief rent the countryside. The wind died down, the birds grew quiet, everything seemed to pause out of respect for so great a heartache.
* * *
After saying goodbye to Kelli, Benjen fled to the top of Packsaddle Mountain. He’d promised his father that he’d study his teachings and the teachings of their ancestors, but since meeting Kelli and going to college, he’d postponed those things. Now, when faced with the worst grief a man can bear, he wished he’d listened more, learned more from the buckskin journal.
Walking to the edge of the cliff face, he stood at the very highest peak, his face turned toward the dying sun. He stripped off his shirt and raised his arms in supplication. How could he go on? What was the purpose of this travesty? One day Kelli was more alive than anyone he’d ever known – sweet, kind, the light of his world – the next, she was gone, her life snuffed out by a hidden time bomb in her brain. “Heh-ya-heh…” he began to chant repetitively, bowing his head and calling upon the spirits of his ancestors to give him solace. To illustrate his torment, Benjen took a knife from his pocket and opened the blade. Placing the tip at his collar bone, he dragged the sharp end over his flesh, opening a gash to the middle of his pectoral. Blood began to flow down his chest in a scarlet rivulet. Ignoring the pain, he picked up his long hair, gathering it in his palm. As another act of abject sorrow, he lifted the knife, slicing off a great length of his hair, throwing it to the ground.
Over and over, he danced in a tight circle, using words his father taught him to give voice to his sorrow, to say goodbye to the woman with whom he’d planned on spending all the days of his life. As he wept, he remembered all the things they’d shared – their hopes, their dreams, plans for a family – he also recalled how it felt to hold her, to kiss her, how her soft voice brought him peace.
Among the regrets of lost tomorrows, Benjen mourned the fact he’d never made Kelli his own. Not completely. In honor of her faith, she’d wanted to wait, to come to the marriage bed pure – and because he loved her above all, he’d agreed. And now, he’d never know the rapture of being one with his soulmate.
“Heh-ya-heh-ya-heh…” Again and again, he raised his voice, pouring out his anguish and despair. With every breath he drew, he immersed himself in memories. Despite his remorse over never knowing the full joy of making Kelli his wife and becoming one with her – he could never regret one moment they’d spent together.
She’d taught him the joy of loving his best friend.
Apple at 22
“He’s coming home. He’s coming home!” Apple raced around, finishing last minute preparations for her husband’s arrival. “I want everything to be perfect. This time we’re going to get our marriage back on track.”
She fluffed the pillows on the couch, put up her knitting project, then ran to the kitchen to take a cake out of the oven. Once she’d put it on a rack to cool, she rushed to the bedroom to make sure the surprises she’d purchased were all in order. “Negligee, lube, massage oil. All set.”
Next, she stopped by the bathroom to apply a bit more lip gloss. As she tidied her hair, she gave herself a pep talk. “You got this, girl. He’s going to be so glad to see you. It’s been s
o long. We’re going to burn those new red satin sheets up. I know we haven’t been on the same page lately, but this is our chance to make everything right. I’ll cook for him. Give him time to write. We’ll reconnect and he’ll fall in love with me all over again.”
Even as she cheered herself on, Apple felt a twinge of self-doubt. They’d been married almost five years, yet they’d only spent a fraction of that time together. Between their almost constant separation and the loss of their baby, she and Alan had faced hurdles most couples didn’t have to face. “Stop it. You can work through this. You’ve been in love with him for half your life.” They’d grown up together, her father working for his father, their mothers were best friends. She could remember family meals, shared vacations, church outings, and company picnics. From the time they were toddlers, it was assumed they’d end up together. Finding out she was a perfect match to give him a kidney when his life hung in the balance, seemed to Apple to be a sign they were meant to be together forever.
Despite all of this, there were still times when she felt she didn’t know her husband at all. Both were so young when they married. Now, Apple understood Alan’s hand had been forced by their folks. Living in a small town, being active in their church, having conservative values – all these things dictated that they expected their son to ‘do the right thing’ when she became pregnant – regardless of his personal feelings. Looking back, Apple realized she’d entered into the relationship with blinders on, seeing only what she wanted to see. Several times, she tried to broach the subject with Alan, but he’d never acted comfortable with the topic.
To further add to the uneasiness, both of Alan’s parents had passed the previous year. The inheritance he’d expected to receive didn’t materialize. Unbeknownst to his son, Alan’s dad overextended himself and when the will was read, the outstanding bills ate up the life insurance proceeds and what was left of the savings.
Despite all the obstacles, her heart was set on making their marriage work. “I love you more than anything, Alan Cates. I’m not giving up on us.”
