by M. Malone
Mom pulls the sheet on the bed higher, looking like she wishes she could disappear behind it. For once, the television isn’t playing in the background and the silence swells around us. The mindless shows that usually annoy me make more sense now. Noise and activity of any kind is preferable to this awful silence.
“What happened?” I ask after she’s gotten herself under control.
She sighs. “It didn’t work. The new treatment. It appears to have had no effect at all.”
I sit as close to her as I possibly can with the guardrail of the bed in the way. “I’m so sorry. So sorry.” There’s really nothing else I can say and that helplessness tears at me. This treatment was supposed to be our miracle. It was supposed to make her better.
She pulls me down for a hug. Then she pulls back and pats at the wet spot on my shirt. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t be putting this all on you.”
“Mom, this is about you. You should cry or whatever you need to do.”
I have to squeeze my own eyes hard to stop the tears. She doesn’t need to see me break down. My mom has always been the strong one, even when she had no one to rely on but herself. Now she needs me to be strong for her.
“I’m going to have a talk with the doctor. They said we have other options. Treatments that are overseas. We’re not giving up.”
By now, she seems to have gotten herself under control. She wipes the back of her eyes with a tissue and forces a tremulous smile. “I know. Maybe that won’t be so bad. I’ve always wanted to travel.”
“Switzerland is nice this time of year.”
Her breath huffs out in a little laugh. “Yes, I suppose it is.”
“Can I come in?”
We look up to see Emma standing in the doorway. Tank stands behind her, stone-faced.
“Of course, sweetheart. Please.” Mom opens her arms and Emma practically flies across the room to hug her.
Tank told me a little about Emma’s background so I know she lost her parents violently. It explains why she’s so attached to our mom. I can’t even imagine a world where I don’t have my mother to nag me, tease me and build me up. I don’t want to either.
“I need to talk to you.”
Tank nods and follows me outside. My brother and I are very different, but when it comes to our mother we’ve always been in perfect agreement. We’ll work together to get anything she needs. And he’s not going to take the news any better than I have.
“So it didn’t work.”
We’d paid to try out an experimental form of chemotherapy that isn’t usually offered. I paid to fly the foremost oncologist who pioneered the treatment here so that he could oversee her care. At the time, it seemed like our best option.
Tank’s hands flex into fists and I know he feels the same restless rage that torments me. We’re men of action. When there’s a problem, we need to fix it. But this battle isn’t one that we can fight for her.
“There has to be something else,” he mutters.
“If there is, we’ll find out.”
He glances behind me at Mom’s open door. A nurse has just gone in to take more blood or her temperature or one of the million things they constantly seem to be doing. It hits me then that all this might be for nothing. The futility hits me hard.
This might be a battle that we just can’t win.
* * * * *
The beep beep of the machine next to my mother’s bed slips into my dreams. I wake with the sound echoing in my head. Mom is fast asleep, looking altogether too pale against the stark sheets. I glance at my watch. It’s almost midnight. I can’t believe the nurses didn’t kick me out by now. Visiting hours have long since been over. I need to get home before Rissa gets back from her last shift or she'll be worried.
I stand and kiss Mom gently on the forehead, then pick up my cane. When I emerge into the bright light of the hospital corridor, I almost collide with Sandy.
“Sorry. I should have been gone hours ago. I guess I fell asleep.”
“It’s perfectly all right. Honestly, I didn’t have the heart to wake you.” She glances toward Mom’s room. “We’re all very fond of her.”
I nod because I don’t trust myself to speak.
When I get home, I go straight to my room and strip. Sleeping in that chair has left my neck tight and my back sore. A hot shower is probably what I need but I’m too tired to trust myself not to fall out in the shower. Rissa still hasn't arrived home and for once, I'm actually glad for the privacy.
I shake out several pills, then at the last minute shake out a few more. The pills roll around my palm making little clacking noises and I shake them gently, just to hear the sound. There's a sick sense of excitement just looking at them. I know that they're going to make me feel good.
Ashamed at the thought, I close my hand.
The past week, I’ve been dealing with the pain unmedicated. I need a break. Just a few hours without the cloud of pain. I need a few moments when things don’t have to make sense. When I can remember a time when my mom was smiling and when I didn’t have to watch her in pain.
When loving so much didn’t hurt.
Before I can think about it too hard, I toss back the handful of pills. I fill the glass on the counter with water and wash them down.
I climb into the bed and fall face forward into the pillows. Rissa will be home soon but by the time we wake up tomorrow morning, I'll be fine.
The next thing I know, there’s noise all around me. It feels like waking up in a blender.
I struggle to make my groggy limbs respond. Everything feels heavy like I have little anvils attached to my arms and legs.
When I finally get on my feet, I stumble into the hallway. Colors swirl around me and the hallways shifts and rolls beneath my feet. Why is everything moving? I just want it to be still, the way it’s supposed to be.
I look up and then I see Marissa. Just like I always dreamed standing in a field of flowers.
“You should always be surrounded by roses. If I’d had the money to, I would have bought you some everyday.”
Her eyes smile at me, dancing around her head in circles before settling above her cheeks again. “Finn, what are you talking about? Was I making too much noise? I was trying not to wake you up.”
Her words don’t make sense to me. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. The woman who has loved me all my life is sick and nothing I’ve tried has saved her. The woman I’ve hated is here in front of me and yet still out of reach. She won't tell me she loves me. She won't move in. She won't be mine.
“Why are you here? You don’t want me. You never wanted me.”
She moves closer and then suddenly she’s right in front of me. “I wanted you, Finn. I've always wanted you. That's why I'm here.”
Seeing her was just another form of torture. She was just one more person who hadn’t thought I was worth anything. The girl who left me for a man who could give her all the pretty shiny things she wanted.
“You didn't always want me. You wanted him. How did that work out for you, angel? Did he buy you whatever you wanted? Could he give you all those gifts that I couldn’t afford?”
She’s watching me with those sad eyes. Those eyes that remind me of all my flaws. It makes me angry.
“And now I’m here, rich as fuck and I can’t even enjoy it because you’re still here. I hate you and I want you. Why can’t you just get out of my head?”
The pressure behind my forehead is enormous. I press my hands on both sides of my temples and squeeze. Maybe if I push hard enough I can crush all the dark thoughts. But when I open my eyes, she’s still there. This demon that looks like the woman I loved.
“Just get out of my head!” I scream and keep going until everything goes dark.
CHAPTER TEN
RISSA
I race out of the building, ignoring John’s concerned call. Tears are streaming from my eyes so fast that I can barely see but somehow I find my way to where my car is parked on the street. With shaking fingers I hit t
he button to unlock it. Once I’m inside, I just sit there willing my heart to stop beating so fast.
I’m not even sure what just happened. Rain pounds the windshield and the sound is comforting. It feels like the rain is insulating me against the outside world. That’s what I need, something to act as a buffer until I can get my equilibrium back. Whatever that was … I think back to what just happened upstairs. I’m not even sure what to call that, a rage? I’ve never seen Finn like that before. He didn’t even look like he was in his right mind.
And the things he was saying. As bad as the raw physical violence I’d sensed in him was, the vile, mean things spilling from his lips were even worse.
Finn is the last person that I ever thought I’d have to be afraid of.
After a few minutes my pulse rate has slowed a bit so I turn on the car and pull out into the road. There’s a loud screech and then a horn blares on my left. Just like that my heart is back in my throat as I look over at the truck that almost smashed into my side.
The man behind the wheel makes an angry gesture and then speeds off. I'm too shaken to pull out right then so I wait a few minutes with my head on the steering wheel. Then I look both ways carefully and make a turn in the opposite direction.
At first my thoughts were just go home but that’s not what I need right now. I don’t want to sit alone in my house worrying that Andrew might show up. I could go to my mom's house but she'll ask too many questions, things I’m not ready to talk about yet. Right now I just need my girls.
I arrive at the office and let out a small sigh of relief to see the lights are on. Someone is here.
As soon as I walk in, Daphne looks up. Her mouth forms an O. “What happened to you?”
I look down. It’s only then I realize that I’ve walked through the rain and am now dripping on the floor, my hair plastered to my head. "Finn … I had to get out of there."
Daphne jumps up and helps me to her chair. I sit, shivering while she bustles around me. She produces a sweatshirt from somewhere and helps me pull my soaking wet T-shirt over my head. Once I have the warm sweatshirt on, she leaves briefly to bring me a cup of tea. When she returns, Tara is with her.
"What did he do?"
"He was screaming at me and he was so angry. I've never seen him like that." I take a sip of the hot tea and the warmth slides down my throat and spreads through me.
"I knew we should have refused that contract. Who the hell does he think he is?"
"Tara, he was so angry. I just can't go back there. Not again." Our eyes meet and I know she understands that I'm talking about a lot more than a cleaning contract. I raise my hand to my head, feeling through my hair to the raised scar a few inches back from my temple. I threw away years of my life thinking that if I just held on, if I just forgave Andy one more time that things would be better. I can't go back to that. Not for anyone.
Not even for Finn.
Her eyes linger on my damp hair. "We need to get you home, honey." She helps me out of the chair and Daphne follows behind us. She locks the door as we leave. Then I realize what time it is. It's early morning and they both have clients. In fact, they're both late.
"You guys don't have to babysit me. I know we're stretched thin. You can go and we'll talk this evening."
"Oh no. We're not leaving you alone. As soon as Daphne told me what happened, I called Tracy to cover for me."
"And I was scheduled to do some paperwork this morning anyway," Daphne chimes in. "So it's fine. It's more important that we take care of you right now."
Tara holds up her cell phone. "Cooperate or I'm calling your Mom."
* * * * *
I cuddle up on my couch while Daphne and Tara pace the floor. As soon as we arrived, they ushered me into my room to clean up. When I saw my face in the mirror I almost scared myself. Half of my hair was sticking up on the side and my eyes look hollow and gaunt in my face.
"Bastard!"
"Jerk!"
"Neanderthal!"
The insults fly back and forth as they take turns cursing Finn up one side and down the other. Daphne in particular is really getting into it. She rarely curses and never has a harsh word for anyone so I'm surprised to see her so furious. I think she must have some residual frustration built up from over the years that is finally finding an outlet.
"We should sue his ass." That was Tara. I was surprised she hadn't mentioned it before now. Daphne is hurt on my behalf but Tara, she's pissed. I can see it in her tense stance and the way her eyes keep darting back and forth. Her sharp mind is looking for some way out of this situation. She wants to do more than just curse Finn's name. She wants to go after him. She wants blood.
"The contract states that all disputes must go through arbitration."
Tara growls at that. “That damn contract. He's a snake but he's a smart snake. That's a scary combination."
Daphne finally abandons her pacing and sits next to me on the couch. I lean over and cuddle against her. She strokes my hair.
"I still can't believe that he did this. He seemed so nice that day. Now I wish I'd kicked him in the balls while he was standing in front of me." Daphne seems to be taking it hard that she didn't see through Finn's charm. I already told her that she's in good company. There aren't many women who are immune to Finn.
"Are you upset that I didn't tell you about our past?" She hasn't said anything or done anything that makes me think she's mad at me but in her position, I would be a little hurt. After all, I confided the whole story to Tara right away and deliberately kept Daphne in the dark.
Daphne shakes her head. "It's your story to tell. You shouldn't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to. I just hope you don't think that I would have judged you."
"No, that was honestly the last thing I thought." I struggle to find the words to explain. "It's just that you guys know this version of me. The one who has herself together. That girl that I was before, well I like to leave her in the past."
Daphne sits on the other end of the couch and tucks her feet beneath her. "I understand that."
The doorbell rings and I immediately tense. I took a risk coming back here knowing that Andrew has been sniffing around. I glance over at Tara. "Can you get rid of whoever that is? And if it's Andrew, I'm calling the cops."
Tara looks slightly guilty. "It's not Andrew." She jumps up and walks to the door. After peering out of the peephole, she pulls the door open. My mom sweeps in with her arms outstretched. "There's my baby. What did he do to you?"
Normally my mother's interference would drive me crazy but right here and now, I find that she's exactly what I need. She sits on the couch next to me and when she opens her arms again, I lean into her embrace.
She wipes away my tears with her thumb and then squeezes my shoulders. "Let's get you into bed, sweetie."
"Okay." The events of the morning are catching up with me and I let out a huge yawn. Being tucked into bed by my mother actually sounds like heaven.
The girls walk ahead into my room. Daphne turns back the covers and I slip beneath fully dressed. I can't seem to get warm enough. Mom tucks my covers beneath my chin the same way she used to do when I was a child.
"Go to sleep, sweetie. It'll all look better after you've had some rest."
* * * * *
I wake up a few hours later. Mom is still downstairs but the girls left. Slowly the whole story comes out and she holds me as I sob. She doesn't say anything or offer any advice but just tells me to get my things.
"I don't want you staying here alone."
Even though I really want to stay in my own bed, I agree that it would not be a good thing if Andy were to show up here when I'm in this frame of mind. It took everything I had to stand up to him the last time and part of me knows that I'm not that brave. I was only able to do that because I knew Finn was there. So I pack a bag and we ride over to my mom's modest three-bedroom rancher.
She ushers me into the second bedroom right across the hall from her room. When I helped her b
uy the house, we decorated this room with my favorite colors, soft lavender with hints of yellow in all the accent pillows. It's a very cheerful room and even though I didn't grow up in this house, my mom's warm presence makes it feel like home anyway.
"I'm sure you just want some time alone to think but I just want to say this sweetie. I never liked Andrew. He's one of them my-shit-don't-stink types. But Finn, he was always a good boy. I don't know what's going on with him but I think we should find out."
"I wish I'd listened to you about Andy."
"Well, I hope I'm right about Finn this time. He was a sweet one and boy was he stuck on you."
After she leaves, I sit on the edge of the bed. Suddenly it seems so quiet. I've never had an issue being alone before but seeing Finn like that has left me shaken.
After double-checking the locks on the front and back door, I slip into the bathroom and remove my clothes. I run the water as hot as I can stand it and then get in. The steam curls up all around me and I rest my head on the ledge of the tub. My eyes close and I let the tears flow.
What happened between us? Where did things go so wrong? It feels like a double betrayal because after how awful he was to me in the beginning, over the last few weeks he's been so different. The man who helped me clean and waited outside just so I wouldn't have to walk to my car alone at night cannot be the same man who just terrified me.
I look at the faint white lines on the back of my arm. Andrew hadn't liked the way I was talking to one of his colleagues at his company Christmas party. When we got home that night, he backhanded me so hard that I fell into a glass table.
I cringe thinking about that time in my life. Things were never great between us but that had marked a turning point when I could no longer rationalize the things he did and said to me. The ways he put me down and tried to undermine my confidence.
Tonight, for the first time in years I felt completely helpless all over again. Finn has taken away my sense of safety and that's not something I can easily forgive him for.
