by A. K. Koonce
I stand staring with wide eyes and an empty gaze. My hands hang at my sides and I feel weighted from the simple pull of my arms at my sides as I start to really think about my life.
Agatha invited me into her home when she tried so hard to keep the world out. She trusted me and loved me. And I fucked up her life.
Because of him.
Anger flares up inside of me. My fingers fist into my palms hard enough to hurt.
I’m going to make this right. Once and for all.
“I think we should go for a walk.”
My head tilts slowly. Chaos’ big body fills the doorframe. Behind him Rime and Kain linger in the hall. Sinister leans against the door but all four of them watch me with gentle eyes.
Chaos lifts his palm slightly and slowly. “They said dinner will be ready in two hours. Let’s go outside, Low.”
I don’t even know how long they’ve been there. Goddess, how long have they been watching me drown in my endless anger?
From the worry in their eyes, I’d say a long time.
I just wish there was more I could do. All I can do is wait right now. And I hate it.
“Sure.” I force down my consuming thoughts and put effort into making my lips turn up, but a smile doesn’t actually fall into place.
My arms fold securely over my chest and when I pass him his big palm pushes down the small of my back for only a second. It’s just a reassuring touch between us that doesn’t linger. It’s like he wants me to remember that he’s here. The man’s enormous. How could I forget? But the small brush of his warmth against my skin does do something. It is reassuring even if I can’t admit it to myself. Or anyone else.
“I’ve lived in this kingdom my entire life and I’ve never seen the glorious castle of Minden.” Chaos’ words echo slightly as we trail down the winding staircase.
“You mean you avoided it,” Kain corrects with an arch of his brow as he looks to his friend.
“Fuck yeah, I avoided it. The King hates mystical creatures. I’ll keep my dragon ass as far away from our simple-minded tyrant for as long as I can.”
And yet, the four of them followed me here without hesitation …
I peer over at Sinister. His fiery gaze studies the dark beams along the ceilings. His curious attention outlines every meager little detail.
The King will lose his mind if he sees a demon in his castle. And what will Sinister lose?
My stomach twists but a deep breath steadies the feeling. I can protect him. I can protect all of them. Starting today, I must shove aside my guilt and put my anger to good use.
I’m strong. I am. I just have to remind myself that I’m not the girl who doesn’t know how to use her own magic anymore.
Warm fingers trail down the inside of my wrist, pulling at my attention.
“What about you?” Kain smiles a wide and alluring smile at me. It’s so perfect, I instantly know it isn’t real. But it distracts me all the same. “How did you ever have the guts to approach the Prince to sell him anything?”
We stand at the end of a long, dark hall. No one is around at the back of the castle at the moment, and I feel slightly better being away from their watchful eyes. Kain’s fingers linger a while longer against my skin before he pulls away to open the door.
Warm sunlight meets my face and my eyes close for several long seconds to really feel it. Chaos and Rime start walking, their steps slow against the curving brick path. Sinister and Kain keep pace at my side as we head out to the deep green yard. Bushes and trees are cut and manicured into forms of art. It seems… tedious. The gardeners must be out here every day to maintain every one of the dozens of shrubbery horses and knights and… is that a cock?
“It’s a tower, stop squinting at it.” Sinister doesn’t even look at me but he seems to know exactly what I’m thinking.
He acts as if I’m cock obsessed. I’m not. It was an honest mistake. Really.
“I—I originally sold to the King but that didn’t last long. The first thing I sold him was a beautiful and perfectly made angel sculpture that he displayed proudly in his own bedroom.”
Kain’s brows lower and I feel his attention on me. “Let me guess, it was cursed? Haunted? S—”
“It was a slightly temperamental gargoyle.”
Chaos and Sinister give rumbling laughs that makes me smile a little myself. Rime looks back at me and instead of his usual brooding glare, his eyes are shining. Small lines crease around his pale eyes but the look isn’t one of pure happiness.
Or maybe it is.
If he’d let himself, I bet he could be happy.
“You sold our King a gargoyle.” Chaos shakes his head at me. His shoulders are as straight and broad as ever as he walks ahead of me, guiding us to a place in which none of us are even aware we’re headed.
“They only come to life under the direct light of a full moon, there’s literally absolutely no possible way I could have known the pretty statue was a deadly gargoyle. I just couldn’t.” My rambling comes to an awkward halt and I don’t know that they believe me any more than if I had just said nothing at all.
“Sure. Understandable,” Sinister says with a nod. “Incidents happen.”
His arm brushes mine and he holds my gaze as I attempt to glare up at his snarky little words.
But I can’t.
“She almost murdered him in his sleep,” I add on a suspiciously hushed whisper that only a traitor to the crown would use.
Sinister smiles at me in this way that warms my chest. I can’t help but smile back at him.
Despite everything, right now in the warm sunlight, surrounded by the four of them, I feel… lighter than I have in years. I can’t even explain it.
I feel almost normal.
Chaos turns abruptly. Rime follows him, and as my feet sweep against the soft grass I realize we’re headed behind a greenhouse. A layer of mist coats the windows and shades of purple and blue bush out within the enormous structure. The Queen loved flowers. She loved roses because they never bloomed in the north. I look closer within the glass walls, but the flowers are hard to make out through the damp windows.
I’m still looking into the greenhouse, my hand pressing to the cool surface, when it starts.
It starts easy enough. Chaos shoves Rime in a playful way. A little push, a little smile. Rime smiles at that too. They’re both smiling. And then Rime strikes. His fist lands hard against Chaos’ jaw. My lips part. Kain takes a step back, closer to my side as the two of them circle one another, passing taunting words and hard hitting blows as if it’s another normal day for the two.
“Is this what we came outside for?” My arms fold just as Chaos tackles Rime to the ground.
“This is what these two always come outside for.” Kain lowers until his back rests against the glass wall, his knees bent as he sits in the thick grass.
It’s private back here. They picked the perfect spot out of view.
When I sit down at Kain’s side, I’m closer to him than I intended. Our arms are warm against one another, buzzing a feeling all through me, daring me to move.
But I don’t.
Sinister sits on Kain’s other side, his quiet attention watching the two men attempting to murder one another with smiles plastered to their faces.
They do seem happy like this. Like playful pups who only know how to show affection with sharp teeth and growls.
Too many thoughts trickle back into my mind as I sit here and do nothing. I sit here and enjoy the warm sun while Agatha’s out there somewhere.
I really do think she can handle herself. Probably better than I ever did.
The reassuring thoughts don’t do anything for the other, darker thoughts that keep trying press their way into my mind.
Rime slams Chaos down, his head falling in front of me. Inky hair is stark against the golden color of my skirt. He heaves in a breath, his pretty eyes looking up at me while Rime’s fingers dig into his throat.
It’s hard for me to watch the two of the
m be so aggressive to one another. I know it’s in fun. I get it. But it’s still hard to watch.
My fingers slip against the back of Rime’s hand. The muscles of his forearms release the tension held there. His strength disappears beneath the small touch of my fingers against his skin. Chaos watches the two of us, his breaths coming in more even inhales now. Rime’s pale eyes meet mine. His tongue slides against his lower lip and a quietness passes while we try to figure each other out.
And fail.
His jaw tics and he shoves off Chaos, stalking back until there’s plenty of space between him and me.
“Grim, do you shift?” The question comes from out of nowhere.
Sinister looks up at the ice dragon. The two of them are mirror opposites. Sinister the same lean build as Rime. The same strong confidence. Both beautiful. And yet, completely different in appearance.
“My name’s Sinister.”
“Right, do you know how to shift, Dog-boy?” Rime cocks his head; his even tone is taunting. Is this a test? Is this a test for my friend?
I look past Kain to see Sinister. Sinister cocks his head at the dragon, taunting the man just as he’s taunting him.
“I was cursed. That doesn’t make me a shifter.”
“It kind of does.” Rime’s eyes narrow. There are no teasing smiles. No light-hearted laughs. Only direct statements and hidden aggression.
Why is he such a dragon taint?
Sinister stands. He takes his time walking toward Rime. I watch his every move and I begin to worry that the two men will start fist fighting just as Chaos had, but I know there wouldn’t be anything playful about it.
Sinister makes a slow show of raising his hands, and in a puff of inky smoke, the man disappears. The wind sweeps away the dark ashen dust and there on the ground is a small black bunny. Long ears twitch, red eyes hold on the shifter in front of him. He takes a single hop forward. When his long feet touch the ground, a panther stands in its place. The deadly animal turns his head with a fluid movement as he watches Rime. A slinking step forward causes more swirling smoke and the animal sways right into the image of a pegasus. Colors of crimson shine against his silky black mane from the intensity of his bright eyes. He shakes out a wide wing span that shadows over Rime. When the two are toe to toe, Sinister shifts one more time. His image grows to a monstrous size. Scales eat up the soft feathers along his wings. Four strong legs and splaying black wings spread out against his back, a roar creeps up his throat and still he keeps his gaze locked on the small man at his feet.
I blink up at the dark dragon before me. His scales are so similar to Chaos’, but his body is different.
With wafting black smoke his image swirls down, down, down until Sinister himself is glaring into Rime’s pale and unimpressed eyes.
“Does that make me a shifter?” His chin tips up slightly and I realize the two men are the same height.
“Your mimicking dragon form is off,” Rime says in a flat tone.
“Actually, your dragon form is off.” He gestures to Rime with a careless wave of his hand. The stiff posture of Sinister’s shoulders is the only sign that he’s annoyed. Both men cling to this bland voice that keeps their emotions locked away, but I can tell they’re both on this teetering edge of anger. “You’re a wyvern not a dragon. You have two legs, not four. My dragon is correct.”
“A wyvern is a dragon.” Rime’s jaw clenches.
“It’s under the umbrella of dragons, sure.” Sin’s cocky intelligence isn’t doing anyone any favors right now but I’m not going to mention it.
The shifter’s jaw clenches harder.
“What else can you do?” Chaos is sitting up, his weight held against his elbows as he lies back and watches the two men’s pissing contest.
Sinister turns. He looks back at the three of us and it’s as if he’s suddenly shy about showing all his cards in front of the three shifters.
Or cautious.
“I can do basic magic like Arrie.” His words make my throat tighten, my stomach sink just slightly. Basic. Basic magic. It wasn’t an insult. It was a fact if anything, but it still stings.
“Can you do controlling magic like Kreedence? Hold us in place, halt our shifting, stuff like that.” Kain is suddenly looking at the demon as if he’s just now realizing the quiet man could be an asset.
“I never learned to do black magic.”
Sinister doesn’t like the way it feels. He always refused when his brother tried to show him. I can’t blame him. I hated when Kreedence tried to teach me.
“I can do black magic.” My voice is a whisper spoken so low the wind sweeps it up in an instant.
Heavy attention falls on me. I stare down at the individual strands of deep green grass.
“Like what?” Kain’s arm still brushes mine but he feels impossibly closer now. I’m no longer worried about if it feels appropriate to sit so close to him. It’s not even a thought in my mind now.
I sift through all the things I’ve pushed to the back of my mind, all the stuff I tried to forget about during my training sessions with Kreedence. I hate thinking about it. Pain stings thought my left arm just thinking about how I learned to use my magic. But I try to remember anyway. “He taught me. Kreedence taught me the easier stuff. How to use my hands as weapons. If I tried hard enough I could stab right through someone with the press of my fingertips.” I say that, but it didn’t work when I tried to stop Kreedence two days ago, so it’s probably pretty unlikely that I can do it at all any more. “I can’t stop someone though. It takes a lot of power to halt someone’s intentions. I can hurt someone without touching them if I tried.” I bite my lip and think back to what he taught me. “I guess it’s not black magic, but I can disappear really well.”
“Yeah, we know.” Rime’s words are a masked tone of boredom. His aggression is right there on the surface when I meet his eyes.
Ouch. Okay. No one has forgotten that I made them look stupid. That I tried to fool them. That I tried to run from the men who are now here supporting me.
Rime’s gaze softens and his lips part as if he’s thinking of something else to say to bridge the space between us. He stares at me with that strange regretful look in his eyes, but no words ever come.
He isn’t the one who should feel bad. Not really.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was,” am, “a terrible person.” I push the apology out on a quiet breath. The tension leaves my chest with the simple statement and now the ice dragon is really staring at me with that astounded look of sympathy.
He looks so lost. Emotions are clearly not this man’s strong suit.
Four men look at me and I can feel them struggling for words. What I did was not okay, even if it was for survival. For them to tell me it’s okay, would be a lie. I know they care about me. I can feel it. We’re all just so fucking horrendous at expressing our feelings.
What if they tell me just that: that it’s not okay? What if it’s never really okay between us?
“How come you keep your clothes on when you shift?” Chaos says, directing the topic back to something of more importance apparently.
Like why Sinister isn’t naked.
“Because, I’m not a shifter. We’ve been through this.” Sin’s hands raise from his sides.
“You kind of are.” Rime cocks his head at the demon.
“No,” Sin sighs and it pulls away the building tension in my chest because of how easily everyone accepted and moved on from my apology.
Chaos did that. I ... I think it was intentional. He’s more thought out than he appears. If I’m being honest, he’s smarter than he pretends to be.
My fingers push through his dark hair and he tilts his head back until he’s looking at me.
My lips part to thank him but I don’t think he wants to hear it. I think he likes his easy, teasing demeanor.
I like it too.
Instead, I ask him something simple.
“You two really never kissed before?” My lips pull up at the c
orner and he smirks back at me. The memory of Rime slamming his lips against Chaos’ appears to be an affectionate memory.
“No.”
Kain glances at us form the corner of his eyes but he pretends to watch Rime and Sinister argue over the true definition of a dragon and a wyvern.
“I’ve been with men before. Rime … he just avoids people in general.” He leans back until his head rests against my lap. Flurried warmth stirs all through me from the way his head lies against my thighs. It’s a relaxed position for him and an adrenaline spiraling position for me. He doesn’t notice. “We’re friends. We’ve been friends for years. I’d never screw that up. He’s important to me and he’ll never admit it, but I know we’re important to him. I wouldn’t fuck that up for all of us.”
“But he kissed you.”
A big smile takes over his whole face like I’m not the first person to over analyze that Rime kissed him. I don’t know why I’m so insistent on pushing them closer together. They’ve been fine just the way they are long before I ever showed up.
My fingers pull at his hair and I can’t help but watch him watch Rime. Silence spans for several seconds and I guess the conversation ends there.
For a moment.
“Rime made the first move. And here I thought you were the one with the bigger balls, Dickless.” Kain’s arm skims mine and the smile he taunts his friend with makes me realize, Chaos needs hard shoving, not gentle pushing in the right direction.
“Fuck you, I’m not dickless.” Chaos’ smile grows wider, showing off even more of his perfect white teeth.
“He’s really, really not.” My mouth snaps shut the moment I realize I said that aloud.
A possessive growl hums through Chaos as his eyes meet mine. The smile slips away from him as he looks up at me. His hand pulls at my wrist until I release his hair. Slowly his fingers tangle with mine. He’s hands are always on my body, a brush here, a touch there. It’s like there’s a sort of reassurance for him when his skin is against mine.
But I’m not sure what that reassurance means for him. And I’ll never complain of those little subtle touches. He can wrap me up in the safety of his arms any time he wants really.
He makes me shift against the ground with a single heated look. His attention sets everything in me into a frenzy of twirling energy.
