I didn’t see Kelly until the next morning. After losing so much time yesterday, I was more than a little behind on my chores. After dinner I tried to make up for my indiscretion by finishing up the better part of my duties for the week. As I opened the infirmary door, I quickly prayed that Kelly wouldn’t still be angry with me for my sardonic behavior yesterday during Brett’s visit.
“Well, it’s about time you showed up. Here to apologize for making me look insane in front of my brother?” Kelly snickered in her own classic Kelly way.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”
“Oh, forget it. So you here to spring me or what? I’m going stir-crazy in here. Believe me, the putrid smell of bandages and alcohol is not doing anything for my sanity, either. Look, they just leave those huge syringes with their phobia-inducing needles lying right out there in the open as if to torment me.”
I looked over at the counter in the corner of the room behind the door. There it was, a stainless steel tray of syringes and needles carefully laid out in a straight line, all orderly on top of the nurse’s station. Behind the tray was the customary row of glass jars, full to the brim with cotton balls, gauze, and tongue depressors. “Well, then, let’s get you out of here,” I suggested.
“I want you to know, Liz, I haven’t had one night of sleep when I didn’t have a nightmare that I was being jabbed, poked, and stabbed to death by giant, walking syringes. Just poke, poke, poke all night long, like they were trying to aerate me or something. If I didn’t have a fear of needles before, I do now!” she proclaimed as we escaped the torture chamber into the uninhabited hallway in our quest for freedom.
“What time did your brother leave?” I asked nonchalantly, hoping the question was harmless enough not to attract scrutiny. I didn’t want Kelly to know I’d sat outside all day in the courtyard firmly positioned near the gates, hoping to stage a fortuitous encounter.
“I don’t know. Not long after you did, I guess. You didn’t see him when he left?”
“No, I had a lot of work to do. I was behind on my chores.” I didn’t completely lie. I had been very behind. She didn’t need to know that it was because I had stupidly waited for Brett the entire day.
“Well, he said he’d be back today or tomorrow. He had some things to check on.” Kelly’s voice became uncertain after her cryptic remark.
I hardly noticed her uneasiness. The thought of Brett coming back today or tomorrow captured my mind. My thoughts swelled, overtaking every corner of my brain, pushing out even the most life-supporting commands.
Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.
Brett didn’t come back that day or the following one. It was two days later that he rode back up to the gates of MIQ. I had been sitting at a small table toward the rear of the courtyard, polishing crucifixes. Taken by surprise, I stopped what I was doing and put my rag down as Brett approached.
“Hi, Brett.” I waved. “Kelly’s in with Sister Christine and Sister Pietra, the nurse. They’re just giving her a quick exam to make sure she’s healing okay.”
“Then I’ll just sit and wait here with you. If that’s okay with you, Liz.”
“Of course, take a seat and pull up a rag,” I instructed breathlessly.
“So is this one of your weekly obligations, or were you naughty this week?” Brett inquired flirtatiously.
“Naughty,” I replied laughingly. “Very naughty. They discovered my plot for global conquest.”
“Well, the conquest part I like.” Brett’s retort was full of innuendo. I gave him a disapproving look, secretly loving every minute. “What?” he proclaimed loudly with his sexy little smirk. Then came the wink.
Yes! My day was never complete without one of Brett’s disarmingly enticing winks. “What kind of motorcycle is that?” I asked, quickly changing the subject.
“That, sweetheart, is a 1953 Indian Chief. Only six hundred were made. It’s my guilty pleasure.”
I could see how passionate he was about his bike. I quietly wished he were as passionate about me. “Is it fast?” I asked, trying to draw out the conversation so I could sit with him longer.
“Fast? Honey, you have no idea. It’s a beast. The most powerful Indian ever made. It has an eighty-cubic-inch V-twin that will make you cry like a baby,” he said proudly.
“I didn’t know,” I said, stunned and embarrassed by my ignorance.
“After all this time we’ve spent together, Lizzie, there is still so much I have to teach you. I’ll take you for a ride sometime, if you promise not to fall off. You know you’d have to hold onto me pretty tight. I just don’t know if you could handle that.” Brett shook his head, a mischievous glint in his eye.
I had to change the subject again, and quickly. I didn’t know how to respond. I longed to hold Brett, even if it was only on the back of his motorcycle. But I was in uncharted waters. I didn’t know how to proceed. He’d always done all the flirting, not me. Still, I could never be sure if he was serious or not. I was so far out of my element. I didn’t want him to think I was so unaffected by the outside world that I knew nothing. I was sure that would only lead to him having to tell me again how much he had to teach me.
“Kelly said you had to check on some things. Is everything okay?” I blurted, not wanting him to notice the blush that I was sure engulfed my face.
“Oh, yeah. Right.” He became serious. “What has Kelly told you about our family?”
“Nothing, really. Just that your parents died in an auto accident. You were old enough to be accepted at your prep school. There weren’t any girls’ schools around close enough, so she came here.”
“Oh, okay.” Brett’s shoulders sagged in relief as he let out an exhausted sigh.
“Is there more?” I asked with cautious concern.
“Yeah, you could say that,” Brett admitted, running his hands through his perfect brunette hair.
I never had seen him so deep in thought before. He was always so cool and carefree. Except for that one time. I thought back to this reaction in the infirmary a few days ago. He’d been so angry, so worried. No, that wasn’t it. He was scared. That was what I sensed, fear. When he said he didn’t know “he’d be so relentless.”
“Brett, what did you mean when you said you thought Kelly would be safe here?” I asked, hoping that he knew what I meant and I would not have to elaborate more.
“Liz, it’s honestly better if you don’t know, okay? Trust me.”
“I’m not as sheltered or fragile as you think, Brett. Why don’t you try trusting me instead?” I urged.
“Look, Liz, our family is just a little more messed up than you might think.”
“I don’t care,” I retorted, trying not to pull the “well at least you have a family” card.
“Our parents were in a horrible accident. There’s nothing more to it.” With his elbows on the table, he firmly planted his face in his hands.
I could feel the agony welling up inside him. I felt helpless. I’d never wanted to cause Brett any discomfort. The thought of it consumed me, quickly distorting my insides until I too was wracked with pain. I placed my hand on his back, slowly trying to rub away the hurt. I laid my head against his shoulder. We sat there like that for what seemed to be an eternity, until the silence was broken.
“You’re a sweet girl, aren’t you?” Brett asked without any hidden agenda, flirtation or otherwise.
The sincerity cut me to the core. In all the time I had known Brett, I’d never pictured him as vulnerable. He had always seemed invincible, untouchable to me, so in control and aloof. His pull was so intense that people and life just seemed to gravitate toward him. But this side of him was real—not a happy mask that he’d put on, but real and true. I saw Brett in a different light, and it only made me love him more. I gave him a little smile to reassure him I didn’t mind the change.
“I suppose you should know,” Brett began begrudgingly.
There in the corner of courtyard he bared his soul to me, with only the shade tree and
the crucifixes as witnesses. He told me about this crazy uncle he and Kelly had. He said that when his parents passed away, Kelly was in the car with them. It was night, and their SUV had careened off the road to avoid an oncoming car. The SUV flipped several times before it came to rest in a shallow ravine. Their parents died instantly. Kelly was badly injured and unconscious in the hospital for nearly a week while the police investigated. The whole time, this uncle kept visiting her over and over again. But the doctors wouldn’t let him see her. His desperation had made one of the detectives on the case suspicious, so he questioned him. The uncle cracked under the pressure and confessed everything. It seemed he had had an argument with Kelly and Brett’s father earlier in the day—nothing big, just a family quarrel. After he spent the remainder of the day drinking at his favorite dive bar, he decided to drive to his brother’s house to apologize. The uncle was so inebriated that he couldn’t even see straight, let alone drive. On the way over, he scarcely escaped a head-on collision.
The uncle never imagined that it was his brother and his family in the car. He never even put the pieces together until the authorities notified him as next of kin. That was when they informed him that his niece, Kelly, was in the hospital in critical condition. Hysterical with guilt, the uncle became delusional. He convinced himself that Kelly should have died in the accident along with her parents. He thought that her living was only causing her undue pain. In a psychotic attempt to set things right, the uncle decided he needed to kill her. Luckily, his deranged plans were uncovered before he laid a hand on Kelly.
In their grief, Kelly and Brett decided that they had lost enough of their family already, so they didn’t press charges. A restraining order was issued against the uncle. They thought that was the end of it. But every once in a while, a neighbor would report seeing the uncle’s car in their neighborhood, or an anonymous letter would arrive for Kelly. The attorney for their family’s estate felt that Kelly would benefit from more secure surroundings until the threat had dissipated. The estate attorney had heard about Mary Immaculate Queen Orphanage from one of his clients who had just completed the adoption process, and he felt it was the perfect answer for Kelly. Behind the menacing iron gates, under lock and key and the watchful eyes of the sisters, Kelly would be safe. Brett was immediately enrolled in Excelsior Preparatory in Gary, Indiana, and Kelly was brought here. The attorney filed some legal pleas to ensure that the conditions would remain unchanged—that is, until Kelly came of legal age, or until Brett could petition for the amendment himself after being awarded legal guardianship.
I didn’t know what to say. It was a lot of information to take in. Brett turned to me appreciatively, taking my hand in his. I couldn’t believe that anyone as young as Brett and Kelly could have experienced anything so heinous, their lives altered beyond repair. I knew Brett was relieved to get everything off his chest. It was an immense secret to have held onto all this time.
“Promise you won’t tell Kelly, okay?” Brett whispered in my ear.
I nodded, honored that he had trusted me enough to confide. We sat together silently, hand in hand. He had a bigger piece of my heart than I thought. At this moment I was at peace. I wasn’t swooning over his body, his overwhelmingly good looks, or his charmingly flirtatious personality. It was a deeper, more mature feeling, like I had never known him before this moment. Together, time passed quickly, and before I knew it, Kelly was sitting beside us.
Weeks went by one by one and I kept my promise to Brett. I never told Kelly that I knew her secret, the one she kept so closely guarded. Once in a while she would catch me watching her almost mournfully.
“Don’t tell me you’re in love with me now,” Kelly would remark sarcastically.
“Nope. Just glad to have you around,” I’d reply, giving no heed to Kelly’s abrasiveness. After all, she was my best friend, and she had more than a right to be harsh. Not only was she locked away with rest of the unwanted, she had survived the single most terrifying ordeal I could imagine. And all for what? To have any semblance of normalcy stripped away by a crazed uncle. On top of that, her sanctuary was practically killing her with some mysterious ailment.
Brett’s next visit arrived quickly enough. He rode up to the gates like always, looking more handsome and dangerous than ever. He yanked off his helmet and flipped back his perfect hair in one sweeping motion. I could tell by his gait and his cocky smirk that he was back to his usual good-spirited self. Neither Kelly nor I knew that Brett was planning to visit today. In fact, Kelly was repairing missalettes next door at St. Matthew’s as retribution for her sharp tongue.
“So whatcha doing, playing spin the bottle?”
“Yeah, I guess,” I replied, not knowing what he meant. After all, I was spinning a soda bottle in circles on the ground out of pure boredom more than anything else.
“Well, sweetheart, you’re not doing it right. This is not a game you can play by yourself.”
I looked puzzled as Brett came and sat down next to me. He took the bottle and gave it a spin. The bottle stopped.
“Looks like you win,” he announced.
“What do I win?” I asked innocently.
“You win me. Well, at least a kiss from me. We have to start slow, you know. Can’t teach you everything all at once.”
“A kiss?” I started, unsure what he was talking about.
Before another word escaped my mouth, his lips were on mine. They were so soft and warm. He took my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine more firmly. I was petrified and thrilled all at the same time. My body quivered with excitement. Before I knew it, I was moving my lips in perfect motion with his like an elegant waltz, our lips in time. He lightly brushed his teeth across my lower lip, ever so softly tugging them apart. Our lips parted and I inhaled his breath deeply as he ran his hand around my neck and up into my hair. His intertwined fingers tugged my head back. With parted lips, our mouths became one. He ran his strong hands down my neck and shoulders, grasping my arms firmly. He kissed me even stronger now, his body pressed decisively against mine. This didn’t feel like a game, not like a game at all. It felt like he really wanted me, the way I had always wanted him. I let out a little gasp at the thought. Brett quickly pulled away, regaining his composure.
“That wasn’t your first kiss, was it?”
I hesitated. “Yes.”
“God, Liz, I am really sorry. I didn’t know. I guess I imagined, what with you all locked up in here and everything…I just didn’t think…I’m real sorry.” His voice trailed off.
“No,” I said. “I really liked it. It was really nice.”
“Liz, I’m a jerk. You deserved your first kiss to be special. Here I was just joking around and I…I should go.”
“Brett, it was special,” I pleaded. He had no idea how special.
“I’m so sorry, Liz, really. I’ll see you later, okay?”
I sat stoically, not uttering a sound. How was it that the most significant, best moment of my life thus far had just turned into my worst?
It was early December before I saw Brett again. The leaves had all turned colors and fallen from the trees. The white snow of winter had accumulated in the corners of the courtyard. All gray and white, that was the colorless wasteland that had become my life. For months now I had avoided Brett. His visitation schedule never faltered. I just managed to find something else to occupy my time. Kelly never mentioned if he asked about me, nor did she ever ask me why I was never around anymore when he came by. I never broached the subject and gave her little room for inquiry. It became one of those forbidden subjects, just like Kelly’s past.
I was standing in the courtyard minding the younger children when Brett arrived. With my duties at hand, I couldn’t slip away as I had done in the past. I was firmly entrenched in my orders and had no other option than to stand there and bear witness to my own humiliation, at least until Sister Laverne returned to relieve me. In my wildest dreams I could not have fathomed the degradation I was about to endure.
This was more painful than I ever could have expected. I lowered my head in shame, moving my foot around in awkward little circles on the ground, praying for the agony to end. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Brett glance in my direction. I knew why he had done it, why he’d brought her here. He wanted to convey a message. The I’m-just-not-into-you-look-I-even-have-a-girlfriend message. I wanted to scream, “I get it. Message received.” Anything to make this moment end and never be remembered again.
Kelly and Jennifer were laughing and talking like old friends as Brett made his way over to me.
“She’s real pretty, Brett,” I commented coolly, trying to remain unemotional.
“Yeah, every guy likes to have a Ginger to show off every now and then.”
“Right,” I replied, looking down at the ground in a feeble attempt to hide my pain.
Brett gently took my chin in his hand, tilting my head up until our eyes met. With all the sincerity in his soul, he said quietly, “But she’s no Mary Ann.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. Why had he said that? Did he really have to hammer in that one last nail in my coffin? For the first time, I did not find Brett charming or funny. I just thought him cruel.
Solitude
The next spring my life became even more lifeless. Brett’s petition for legal guardianship had been approved. Kelly was leaving and I was going to be alone once more. The years with Kelly had made me forget almost entirely the isolation of my younger years. Only the fear remained. With Kelly by my side, MIQ wasn’t that bad. You would say that she could make the best out of a bad situation. We laughed for hours on end—sometimes at other people, sometimes at ourselves. Kelly could make anything fun and I was going to miss that about her sorely.
Sinful Purity (Sinful Series) Page 5
