There was no way out of it. I felt roped into going for Caleb and Lucy. Yet there was still a small part of me that wanted to see Zack again outside of school, away from his muscle-building minions. I didn’t think it was because I was interested in him or anything. I just really wanted to know why he was interested in me. I wasn’t special or gorgeous or easy like the rest of the girls who swarmed around him. Why would he be interested in plain old me?
Lucy picked me up Saturday morning. Zack’s track meet was at another university about forty-five minutes away across the Indiana border. I remembered how Brett would drive from Gary, Indiana, every couple of weeks to visit Kelly and me. I missed them so much. Kelly was always Kelly. You could depend on her to tell it like it was. Brett, on the other hand, was so incredibly sweet. He always made me feel better, safe, and less sorry for myself. Above all, he made me feel special. I missed the comfort and security of both him and Kelly. I really liked my new life, of course. I was finally free, which was all I’d ever wanted. It was just that every day, I had to meet new people. Every day I had to make a first impression and consider theirs as well. For someone who’d only met a handful of new people in the last thirteen years, it was a lot to ask.
I thought about Zack. Maybe I’d misjudged him. I didn’t have a lot of experience with first impressions. It was possible that I had jumped to the wrong conclusions. He did seem nice that day at the paintball field. He didn’t even get angry when I shot him or when I was rude. Maybe it was me all along. Maybe I was the one who was the idiot. I decided I would let today decide for me. If Zack was nice, then great, maybe we could become friends. If he was his typical jerk self, then forget it, I wasn’t even going to try. I felt better now that I had thought everything through. All I had to do now was wait and see.
Lucy and I arrived at the meet. Caleb was already there with Zack. Lucy’s normally peppy, chatty personality went into overdrive when she saw Caleb. She bounced up and down as she waved to him.
“Hi ya, darlin’,” she called.
“Hi, Lucy, hi, Liz. I am glad you could make it,” Caleb greeted as he led us to our seats. We walked through intermittent small crowds of people, through rows of bleachers to find our seat at the edge of the track.
“Wow, there are a lot of people here,” I commented, amazed by the huge gathering. It was like the bookstore times ten. I felt a little uneasy. I wasn’t quite used to crowds yet. I was even more unsure if seeing Zack were worth braving the crowds. I told myself I wasn’t doing this for him. I was doing this for Lucy.
“I told ya, the track team’s kind of a big deal round here.”
“I know that’s what you said, Lucy. I just didn’t imagine it was this big of a deal.”
“Don’t let Zack hear you say that. This is his whole life. Track is what got him into college. St. Paul’s gave him a scholarship,” Caleb informed us.
A scholarship. That struck me as odd. I mean, it took me off guard. I knew that Caleb and his family had money, though he tried very hard to conceal it. Between his hair, piercings, and the infamous trench coat he never took off, he overemphasized that he was not elite. Sometimes I thought he tried a little too hard. Having a well-respected, wealthy family couldn’t be that bad. I guess somewhere along the line, I had just assumed that Zack was wealthy also. Maybe Zack wasn’t wealthy with money, just fame and popularity. I remembered the day at the paintball field. Zack hadn’t been all decked out like Caleb. He just wore blue jeans along with the jersey Caleb had given him. Maybe there was more to Zack than I thought.
At that moment Zack came walking up to us, all sweaty and breathless from his last race.
“So did you see me win?” Zack asked, looking directly at me.
“Yes,” I lied. There were so many different races and events going on, I wasn’t sure what was what. The field was a hive of activity, with all the participants a vibrant blur. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” he said, bending over with his hands on his knees, still trying to catch his breath.
“Are you done?” Caleb asked, ready to go.
“Yeah, that was my last race. We can hit it.”
“All right. I thought maybe we could go grab something to eat on our way back to school.” Once again, Caleb had planned everything.
It was kind of nice having a planned schedule. I wasn’t used to having to choose and make plans. At MIQ every hour of your day was planned down to the minute. I had always lived like that. Choices made me feel uneasy, vulnerable. I really appreciated how Caleb’s organizational skills helped my transition into the real world.
“Sounds good, man.” Zack looked at me. “What do you say you ride with me?”
“Oh, that’s just dandy. Caleb, ya can go with me, all right?” Lucy winked as she grabbed Caleb’s hand.
Well, I hadn’t seen that coming. That might have been one choice I wouldn’t have minded making. Zack and I walked quietly through the large parking lot to his car.
“This is me,” he announced, stopping in front of a full-size burgundy truck.
The truck itself was very large with big tires—not a vehicle I was used to seeing around St. Matthew’s, or Chicago for that matter. It looked woodsy, tough, like a work truck. Zack opened the door for me. I pulled myself up and into the truck. The interior was gray, a color I was very familiar with. I sat quietly on the wide bench seat, waiting for Zack to walk around and get in.
“All right, Liz, now you’re trapped. No escape for you.”
“What?” I asked in a panic.
“Relax, I’m just kidding.” A toothy grin broke across Zack’s face.
“Oh,” I sighed with relief.
“But we are going to be together for a while. You might as well tell me about yourself.”
“I don’t really like talking about myself,” I said meekly.
“I can’t imagine why not.”
“It just makes me uncomfortable.”
“That’s a first, a girl who doesn’t like to talk about herself.” I couldn’t tell if Zack was really surprised or just joking again. He seemed to sense my discomfort, so he said, “Then let me tell you about me. I’m a sophomore. I’m nineteen. And I run track. How about you?”
“This is my first semester at college. I’m seventeen. I’ll be eighteen in November. And I’m not used to talking to a lot of people.”
“Ah, a shy one. Okay, then we’ll take it slow.” I knew that Zack was trying to be smooth, but his statement actually comforted me.
“Okay,” I said with a nervous smile.
“How about this. Do you have any brothers or sisters? I have three brothers myself.”
“No.” At least, none that I knew of.
“Okay, I can see you’re not big in to the family talk. How about school? Do you like school?”
“Yes. I really love college.”
“Great, that’s a start. What is your favorite subject?” Zack asked, clearly interested and pleased that he had found a subject I didn’t shy away from.
“I like literature. I really love books. The class I’m taking right now is a little elementary. But at least it’s still literature.” I beamed.
I could tell that Zack was pleased with my new lighter mood. “Caleb says you’re really good with religion. That you’re smart.”
“Um, I have a lot of experience with religion. Growing up, anyway. But I still love books more than anything.” I tried to steer the conversation away from anything to do with my background.
Before I knew it, I was telling Zack about all the books I’d read growing up. I told him about Kelly and her brother, Brett. But I left out the whole orphanage part. I just said they were friends. I was surprised how easy Zack was to talk to, after he dropped the whole “look at me, look at me, aren’t I great?” attitude. I felt more at ease. By the time we arrived at the highway hamburger stand, Zack and I were talking and laughing about nearly everything. We talked about all the safe subjects—music, books, friends, classes, and college life. I really enj
oyed talking to him. When we climbed out of the truck and walked into the restaurant, Caleb and Lucy were waiting. They just sat there staring at us like we were pod people.
“So, how’d the ride go?” Lucy asked.
“Fine,” I replied, slowing my laughter.
“It went better than fine. She admitted that she loves me. Now we’re planning to elope,” Zack announced arrogantly.
“That’s not true!” I bellowed, proclaiming my innocence. I could feel the flush of embarrassment rising up my cheeks.
“Hey, I was just kidding.” Zack put his arm around my back and rubbed little circles with his palm.
Zack had never touched me before. It was a different sensation than I was used to. It was like an electrical shock pulsating through my body, a strange combination of pleasure and pain. It made me feel tingly and anxious all at the same time. Yet I didn’t pull away. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t. Zack noticed this and gave me a little smile as he pulled me closer to his side. I felt like someone had stolen my breath for a second. At that moment, I knew this was all going to end very badly.
After lunch we still had a forty-five-minute drive back to St. Paul’s. Lucy was going over to Caleb’s, so Zack was taking me back to my dorm. I was so nervous the whole drive home. My palms were sweaty and my heart beat erratically. Being next to Zack made me feel simultaneously more alive and fragile than I ever had felt before, like a rush of emotion. He continued to flirt unmercifully. I continued to be speechless.
“You know, Liz, I think you like me,” Zack proclaimed smugly.
“It’s not what you think,” I said.
“What do I think?” I could tell he wanted to trap me into saying something stupid or admitting that I liked him as more than a friend.
“I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
“What idea is that? I just don’t think you hate me anymore,” Zack said coyly.
“You’re not as bad as I thought,” I admitted. “That is, when you’re not being an arrogant jerk.” I strengthened my resolve to stay firm, unemotional, and, above all, not get mushy.
“Fair enough. I still think we should hang out sometime. The two of us.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why?” he asked, not angry like I expected him to be, just interested in my logic.
“You don’t seem like the kind of friend a girl hangs out with alone.”
“Oooh, that hurts,” Zack replied, faking a chest injury.
“Here we are—St. Augustine. This is my dorm. Thanks for the ride.” I opened the truck door and got ready to jump.
“Hey, wait. Can I come up?” Zack asked hopefully.
“No,” I said. A flash of hurt crossed his face. “But I’ll see you Monday,” I added, trying to soften the blow.
“Monday?”
“Yeah, in class. Okay, ’bye then.” I shut the truck door and ran up to the building through its doors, safely on the way up to my room.
What a day. I had so much to think about. This whole Zack thing was going to be a bigger problem than I thought. It was so much easier when I just hated him. Now things were all complicated. Feelings were involved, new feelings, new sensations. I only knew one thing for certain: Zack was very bad for me, in a dangerous-new-territory kind of way. At least I didn’t have to deal with him until Monday. Even then he’d probably just ignore me like he always did at school.
Don’t worry, I told myself. You can handle it.
New Experiences
Sunday morning I was once again back behind the iron gates of MIQ. The cold weather that had been only a dim promise yesterday had firmly taken root today. The gray dampness of the sky only made the barren grayness of the orphanage more desolate and hopeless. The sisters left me to watch over the children once again. I let the kids play outside as long as the weather held. I knew that if it started raining, we would all have to spend the remainder of the day inside the orphanage’s bleak walls.
By noon the sun started to break through the clouds, burning off some of the gray gloom. The cold was more tenacious, not giving way so easily. When the last Mass of the day let out, I glimpsed that familiar streak of blue in the crowd. It was Caleb again.
“Hey, Liz, you’re here again, I see.”
“Yes, every Sunday,” I replied matter-of-factly.
“Well, are you almost done here? I’ll give you a ride back to school. It’s awfully cold for you to walk.”
He was right, it would be a miserable, frozen walk back to campus. “I’ll have to ask Mother. She should be right back.”
“No problem. I’ll wait.” Caleb took a seat patiently on the MIQ steps.
Within a couple of minutes, Mother Superior and the other sisters were back from their morning Masses. I followed them inside, taking the children with me. A minute or two later I came back out to where Caleb sat quietly staring off in to space.
“Caleb, Sister said it would be fine if you gave me a ride. I can leave now.”
“All right, great. Let’s get going. I’m parked right over here.”
Caleb walked up to the passenger side door of a vintage muscle car, the kind you would see on posters and calendars. He stuck the key in to unlock the door. The car was big and mean-looking. It had a shiny black exterior and dark tinted windows. When he opened the door, the interior, while beautifully restored, was equally pitch black. It was like stepping into a dark, cavernous void so remote that no light could penetrate. As he shut the door, I could feel the dark attempting to invade me, snatching my last breath.
Caleb came around the other side of the car, slid into the driver’s seat, and quickly started the engine. The car roared to life. The engine’s howl was deafening. The cab was suddenly enchantingly bright, filled with light from the beautiful luminescent gauges.
“What kind of car is this?” I asked, catching my breath.
“It’s a 1969 GTO Judge. It was a graduation gift from my dad.”
I knew nothing about cars. But the pride in his voice reminded me of the way Brett sounded when he had described his Indian motorcycle. I knew this car must be special.
“It’s beautiful,” I said.
“Thanks,” Caleb replied with a proud smile. “Do you like cars?”
“I don’t really know much about them. But I did have a friend once who was really in to motorcycles.”
There was a moment of silence. I could tell that Caleb was thinking about something. What, I didn’t know.
“Liz, do you mind me asking why you spend so much time here? I know you help out and all, but I just thought you might have chosen a more cheerful place. You don’t seem very happy here.”
“Mary Immaculate Queen has just been a part of my life for so long,” I replied, hoping I hadn’t divulged too much.
“You know, Liz, my granddad once lived at Mary Immaculate Queen, a long, long time ago.”
“Was he an orphan?” I asked, hopeful that someone else might understand my plight.
“Yes. He was adopted when he was ten or eleven into the Price family. At that time they were only moderately wealthy. But my granddad was a hard worker and a fair man, which made him very rich.”
“I didn’t realize.” My mind began to wander, lost in my own thoughts of my past.
“I know it doesn’t matter to you. You’re just helping out here and all. But there’s nothing wrong with coming from meager beginnings. It doesn’t matter at all,” he assured, as if guessing my tightly held secret.
“You know, don’t you? You know I’m an orphan.” I began to sob hysterically.
“Yes, I know, Liz. And I don’t care. No one cares.” Caleb pulled the car to the side of the road so that he could console me. “Liz, there are so many worse things that you could be. A nice girl without a family isn’t as awful as you think. I just wish you had told me. It must be rough for you, living out in the open on your own. I mean, after living like a prisoner for so long, sheltered from so many normal life experiences. The last few weeks must have been
hell for you. If you had just said something…”
“I’m sorry, Caleb. I was afraid. My whole life I was known as Mary Elizabeth, the orphan girl. I didn’t want people to think of me that way anymore.”
“I don’t think of you like that, Liz. I just don’t understand why you still spend so much time here. If it were me, I’d run and never look back.”
“It’s all I know, Caleb. I don’t have anywhere else. Even my college education was arranged by Mother Superior and Father Brennigan. St. Matthew’s pays for everything.” I continued to cry uncontrollably. My secret had been discovered. I had been discovered. I felt like such a fraud, pretending to live a normal life like a normal girl.
“Liz, it’s all right.” Caleb pushed the hair from my face, took my face in his hands, and rubbed the tears from my cheeks. “It’s not the end of the world. It just explains a lot about you. Why you’re so young, inexperienced with the world.”
“Caleb, how did you know?” I asked, quieting my sobs. I desperately wanted to know what had given me away. Was I so broken and damaged that everyone saw it?
“Your name,” he replied genuinely. “At first it was your name. Not many people have a name like that. My grandfather did, though—Matthew Joseph. Then, when I saw you at the orphanage that first day, the pieces fell together. I saw how much you feared the sisters. No volunteer would keep coming back to a place they dreaded so much, not unless they were forced to. Tied there by some invisible string too strong and old to break. That’s when I knew.”
“Would other people know?” I asked desperately.
“Probably not. But it wouldn’t hurt to tell them. I mean Lucy and Zack. They wouldn’t mind. They’re your friends. They might even be able to make it easier on you.”
“No!” I screamed, a shrill panic lacing my voice. “Please don’t tell Zack. I’ll think about telling Lucy, okay?” I compromised, trying to regain my composure.
“Okay,” Caleb said, not pressing the point.
Before I knew it, I was back at my dorm. I thanked Caleb for the ride and went straight up to my room.
Sinful Purity (Sinful Series) Page 13
