Single women are taking up space in a world that was not built for them. We are a new republic, with a new category of citizen. If we are to flourish, we must make room for free women, must adjust our economic and social systems, the ones that are built around the presumption that no woman really counts unless she is married.
In short, it is time to greet the epoch of single women that’s upon us with open eyes and curious minds. If we do, we will travel the progressive path that Susan B. Anthony imagined winding away in front of her, the path that is now in front of us. By truly reckoning with woman as both equal and independent entity, we can make our families, our institutions, and our social contract stronger.
If our grandmothers and great-grandmothers, and their unmarried compatriots, could envision the radical future in which we are now living, it is incumbent on us to honor the work they did and walls they broke down by adjusting our own lenses. It’s time to rebuild the world for the diverse women who live in it now, more freely, than ever before.
Appendix
Here, then, are some policies, and some attitudes, that must be readjusted and readjudicated as the swelling numbers of unmarried American women move forward into the world:
• Stronger equal pay protections. This is perhaps the heart of what independent women require economically: the guarantee that their labor will not be discounted, in part because of leftover attitudes that they are not breadwinners, or that they are, by dint of their gender, likely to be supported by husbands.
• A higher federally mandated minimum wage. This is a benefit that would accrue to women and men, but from which women would especially profit, since they make up two-thirds of all minimum wage workers. A higher minimum wage would help to alleviate the burdens of poverty on America’s hardest and least well-remunerated workers, bettering the lives of independent women, and also their potential romantic partners, friends, and family members with whom they are likely to live and perhaps raise families.
• We need a national healthcare system that encourages all women, across classes, to better monitor and care for their reproductive systems. We also need to have a system that covers reproductive intervention, so that those women who want to have babies on their own, or who wait until they are older—whether because they are waiting for a partner, saving money, or doing other things besides parenting with the first decades of their adult lives—are able to avail themselves of the best medical technologies to support parenthood, whether they are married or single, and regardless of their income.
• Additionally, mandating that insurance companies cover IVF and other assisted reproductive procedures would cut down on some of the medical complications of assisted pregnancies, since prohibitive costs would become less of a determinative factor for women choosing the (often dangerous) option of implanting multiple embryos.
• We need to create more housing for single people, perhaps offering housing subsidies (and then, attendant tax breaks) for those single-dwelling Americans who choose to live in small spaces that work better for them and are better for the environment. This will also require reform of the many state and local provisions that make it difficult for unrelated adults to legally cohabit, since communal living is likely to be an ever more frequent option for unpartnered Americans.
• We need government-subsidized or fully funded day care programs that allow more families of every structure to thrive, and that create well-paying jobs for childcare workers.
• Government must mandate and subsidize paid family leave for women and men who have new children or who need to take time off to care for ailing parents or family members. These policies would support families of every shape and, if mandated for all new parents, go a long way toward erasing stigmas associated with full-time fatherhood, creating the possibility of more equal domestic arrangements for women and men, partnered or single.
• We need universal paid sick day compensation, regardless of gender, circumstance, or profession. Women who live independently or within family units must be able to take sick days to care for themselves or others without fear of losing their livelihoods.
• We should increase, rather than continue to decrease, welfare benefits for all Americans, acknowledging that government assistance has always been fundamental to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in America, that stronger economic foundations help create the conditions in which families, and partnerships, may be better able to flourish.
• We need a system of economically supported leave time for Americans, regardless of whether they have children or parents to care for, so that they might care for themselves. And so that emotional, physical, and mental health benefits of leisure and time away from work do not accrue only to those who have traditional families.
• We must protect reproductive rights, access to birth control, and sex education, so that women do not get herded into dependency relationships due to unplanned pregnancies. To that end, we must eradicate the Hyde Amendment, which prevents poor women from exercising their right to obtain legal abortions. We must afford women in every economic bracket as much control as possible over when, if, and under what circumstances they have children.
• We need to support alternate family structures, including cohabiting friends, people who live on their own and in clusters, people who parent with partners and without. We need to adjust our eyes to a new normal that includes personal and familial configurations that do not look anything like the hetero married units of our past.
• There must be adjustments in the American attitude toward work, leisure, and compensation. We are increasingly a land of free people, who at various times in our lives enjoy companionship and care, and, at other times, do not. We must not continue to function as if every worker has a wife caring for his home and his children for free, or as if every wife has a worker on whose paychecks she must depend. We need shorter workdays, and more space cleared for social, emotional, psychological, and familial thriving.
Where Are They Now?
Dodai Stewart is still single, but “feeling better, more relaxed and less rigid about dating these days. Not lowered standards, just more open-minded. I spent last year traveling a lot as well as going on Tinder and OkCupid dates. I’m currently seeing a guy who happens to be (significantly) younger, and that’s been fun. In general, I feel pretty happy being free—I have been chatting with a few friends who are either divorced, going through a divorce, or just unhappily married and thinking about divorce, and I see myself through their eyes—what a luxury it is to live selfishly or self-indulgently, the Zen delight that comes from stretches of peaceful solitude (or uninterrupted book/Netflix time). I’d love to be in love but I’ve definitely reached new levels of self-love and self-acceptance. Things are good.”
Kitty Curtis has moved from New Jersey to Florida, where she works as a hair stylist. She remains single, is making friends, and is very happy.
Ann Friedman still lives in Los Angeles. She recently moved in with her partner, who moved from his home in England to join her in Los Angeles. In 2015, she and Amina launched a podcast about long-distance friendship, titled “Call Your Girlfriend.”
Aminatou Sow lives in Northern California. She and Ann co-host “Call Your Girlfriend.” She is single.
Ada Li’s father decided he didn’t like living without his wife in China, and so returned to join her in the United States. But things are different now. Ada’s mom happily works two jobs, has her own money, and, said Ada, “Tells my dad no. Everybody’s happier now. She is really independent.” Ada’s stepdaughter remains unmarried and has begun graduate school. She has a boyfriend whom Ada likes very much.
Patricia Williams has, in her early sixties, begun “a relationship with a man with whom I reconnected after decades. We’d been good friends in our twenties before losing touch. Having been quite resolutely independent most of my life, it’s both odd and wonderful to be grappling anew with the intimate negotiation that deep commitment requires. It helps that we were frien
ds to begin with, yet, at this stage of life, I think we’re both more able to sustain a solid, quietly grounded union. I don’t think we would have had the same lovely ease in our twenties as we have now. It was worth the wait.”
Caitlin Geaghan did take flying lessons and became engaged to her instructor. “I couldn’t be happier,” she said. “He has been more supportive of me than anyone else in my life.” Caitlin said she’s doing well at work, and has recently been promoted to a senior project management position. She travels frequently, including recent trips to Ireland, California, and Utah. “I realize this is quite a change” from her earlier rejection of youthful marriage, Caitlin said. “I just happened to stumble upon the right person earlier than I thought I would.” Caitlin said she still believes that early marriage is risky. “I don’t think that it never works, but I do feel that it is a rare thing to make a marriage work at any age, especially with the societal pressures that have historically been put on women.”
Elliott Holt has moved to Paris and was startled to remember how she’d felt about being single at the time of our interview. “When you interviewed me a few years ago, I was still working my way through grief about the end of a serious relationship,” she said. “I was still mourning the life I might have had, as part of a couple. I still yearned for a partner and life companion. But now, I savor my life of solitude. I’m grateful that I never married and I have no desire to pair up with anyone. Even dating seems like too much work. I don’t want to give up my precious time to go on dates with people I don’t know. When I socialize, it’s with people I’ve known for years. I may be single, but I have plenty of love in my life (the love of friends, of my sisters, of my three nieces, and my nephew). I love living on my own terms. I’m committed to my single life and I can’t imagine giving it up.”
Alison Turkos is “single, living in Brooklyn, most likely funding abortions or talking about her deep love of Vermont. She’s still completely confident that she does not desire to parent or get married—but thanks for checking!”
Sarah Steadman got married “to the guy I was dating during the interview for this book. We just recently moved to San Antonio where I will be teaching sixth-grade social studies. Married life is great and I’m happy!”
Amanda Neville says, “In a six-month period, my mom died, a beloved pet died, my partner and I broke up, and then another pet died. I spent months reading Dinosaur’s Divorce to Nina every night and Nina held funerals for her stuffed animals and dolls for weeks. It was like being in a riptide with a child on my back—I was engulfed in grief but I had to keep it together for her. We eventually adopted two more pets and, that summer I made sure to plan lots of fun things for us to do together and we slowly started to feel normal again. Nina is thriving and I’m slowly healing. I still have days where I feel really raw, but I feel strong. I know it will take time and I’m focusing on taking care of her, our pets, and myself in the meantime.”
Meaghan Ritchie graduated from college in the spring of 2015, and began a job teaching at an elementary and middle school, working with students who have moderate to severe disabilities. She also worked as a student teacher for four weeks in Piacenza, Italy, which she called “one of the best experiences of my life.” Meaghan is “still single, and in no rush to change that. I firmly believe you have to be happy and content with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. I have never been happier and I’m so excited to see what the Lord has planned for me. For now, I am just living life and trying to bring glory and honor to Him.”
Carmen Wong Ulrich left her job as president and co-owner of a financial planning firm to work in entertainment. Her feelings about economic independence have changed since the time of her interview. “Now, I feel we have to be careful that with our independence we reject the possibility of interdependence. We’re human and if we’re lucky enough we’ll live a long time, which means we’ll suffer setbacks. We’re not invincible as women and there’s nothing wrong with asking for help or accepting it.”
Nancy Giles had been looking for “a guy with two basic requirements: a great sense of humor and the ability to return phone calls.” She unexpectedly connected with one with that and more, and they’ve “been calmly keeping company.”
Kristina is now in a committed relationship with a man. As soon as she met him, she made it clear that she was planning to have children, on her own if need be. In the past year, she lost two pets and had her IUD removed. She is happy.
Letisha Marrero and her daughter Lola moved from their cramped apartment in Virginia to a home in Maryland where they now live with Lola’s father. Although marriage isn’t on the table at this juncture, the couple is committed to each other and to raising their now ten-year-old daughter together. While finding work-life balance and managing finances remain ongoing challenges, Letisha wouldn’t trade her experiences of being a mom for anything.
Holly Clark said that she respects “the women who decide motherhood is for them, but now I have a career to be proud of, and I have found a man who is just fine with the amount I work. We are going to be house searching in the next few months and marriage and children are something in our future. And I won’t have anything to give up.”
Susana Morris is happily single and living in Atlanta.
Pamela is working as a legal assistant at the Office of the Bronx District Attorney. She says she is “applying to law school and hoping for the best.” She is expecting her second daughter and remains with the same partner; they are not married.
Sara and her husband are no longer together. Sara left. Not because she didn’t want to be married, but because all the things she took that leap for were not happening. She struggled with the idea of getting out of a marriage quickly, she said, emphasizing “I looked at it like a true partnership, whether with a friend or a man . . . For me, it didn’t have to match with prevailing ideas of what marriage should look like, but it had to be truthful about what it was. And it wasn’t truthful and it didn’t work for me.”
Acknowledgments
When I set out to write this book, I had a gut feeling that Marysue Rucci would be its editor. I’m so lucky that it worked out that way. She has remained patient and clear-eyed as its size and scope have shifted; she has steered me capably. At Simon & Schuster, I am grateful for the enthusiasm of Jonathan Karp, and for the diligence and good will of Emily Graff, Laura Regan, Sydney Tanigawa, Sarah Reidy, Cary Goldstein, and Ebony LaDelle. My wonderful agent, Linda Loewenthal, has supported me through many stages of book writing; I thank her always.
Rhaina Cohen was just an undergraduate when she first offered me her research services. Yet I could not have conjured a more brilliant, dedicated, or capable associate; her work was fundamental to the shape and content of this volume.
This book profited from those with expertise in fields outside my own. Thanks to Michelle Schmitt, Brittney Cooper, Susana Morris, Louise Knight, Emily Nussbaum, Mikki Halpin, and Virginia Heffernan for corrections and affirmations. I learned much from discussions with friends and colleagues including Leslie Bennetts, Katha Pollitt, Linda Hirshman, Nora Ephron, Gail Collins, Anna Holmes, Irin Carmon, Amina Sow, Adam Serwer, Joan Walsh, Lizzie Skurnik, Dahlia Lithwick, Jen Deaderick, Michelle Goldberg, Kate Bolick, Eric Klinenberg, Molly Gallivan, Alice Rubin, and Mark Schone. Thanks to J. J. Sacha for brokering a couple of introductions and to Madeleine Wattenbarger for careful transcription. I am forever indebted to Erin Sheehy for her thorough fact-checking.
I’m especially grateful to those who read portions of this book at its earliest stages: Zoë Heller, Katha Pollitt, Rich Yeselson, Michelle Goldberg, Irin Carmon, Anna Holmes, Barbara Traister, and Jean Howard.
To all those I interviewed, on and off the record, who were so generous with their stories: thank you. My deep admiration also for the dozens of scholars cited in these pages. As the daughter of academics, I am keenly aware of my own scholarly limitations and am grateful for the historians, sociologists, literary critics, and economists on whos
e work I have drawn here. I feel lucky to know the historians Rachel Seidman and Amy Bass well enough to have asked them to take a look, and lucky too to have had the voice of Northwestern’s Carl Smith in my head for twenty years, nudging me always toward history. I’ve learned so much from the faculty and students at the many colleges and universities I’ve visited, and especially thank Denise Witzig at St. Mary’s in California, who shared with me her syllabus for a class about the Bachelor Girl and provided this project its earliest roadmap.
Thanks to those editors who have born with me, including Lauren Kern, Adam Moss, Laurie Abraham, Lisa Chase, Robbie Myers, Greg Veis, Chloe Schama, Gabriel Snyder, Ryan Kearney, Michael Schaffer, Franklin Foer, Kerry Lauerman, and Joy Press.
Friendships with Kimberly and Lin-Lee Allen, Judy Sachs, Lisa Hollett, Becca O’Brien Kuusinen, Michael Freidman, Abbie Walther, Benedicta Cipolla, Heather and Edward McPherson, Tom McGeveran, Lori Leibovich, Hillary Frey, Zoe Heller, Katie Baker, Allison Page, and Merideth Finn have long sustained me. To Sara Culley and Geraldine Sealey, this book is, by many measures, for you.
Finally, deep gratitude to, and for, my family. Barbara and Daniel Traister provided a retreat from domestic responsibilities; feeding me and giving me space to work for weeks at a time. Aaron and Karel Traister kept me laughing and Pheroze Wadia kept me talking. Jean Howard and Jim Baker regularly saved the day. Rosie was born days after this book was sold, Bella days after the manuscript was handed in; Marion Belle has provided exceptional care for them and in doing so, made my work and my husband’s work possible. Rosie and Bella, your lives will be filled with possibilities that your great-grandmother, whose story is recounted here, could never have fathomed, and I’m so excited to see what you make of them. And to Darius: we were each whole people when we met, and you’ve made the whole of me happy, every minute of every day since. Thank you for our crowded, crazy life.
All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation Page 36
