Wondering how she could have been mistaken about such a vital part of Peter’s life, something that in her mind made it impossible for them to be together, she realized the two times she had been with Peter in Portland were at Christian-related events: at the concert and at church. She had assumed he believed as she did: in a God that loved her and had a plan for her life; a God that meant everything to her; a God that warned against marrying someone who did not believe in Him.
Peter continued to hold her close, but instead of relaxing in his embrace as she had been all day, she felt her body getting stiffer with each passing thought. He noticed, apologized again, and begged her to not let this ruin their time together. They only had about an hour before he and Mark needed to be heading back.
Lily felt at a loss for words. The thought of telling Peter she could not be with him if he didn’t believe as she did made her feel like she was plummeting into a huge pit that would swallow her up and choke the life right out of her. But she knew she had no other option. She couldn’t let him leave thinking that she had no reservations about continuing their relationship.
Mark, Josie, and Tommy joined them before she had a chance to say anything. Natalie had stopped about ten feet away to take a picture of the five of them as Josie had requested. Lily stood with her back to Peter. He wrapped his arms around her waist as if things were fine between them, and she did her best to smile for the camera.
“Looks like we’ll have enough time for an early dinner before we need to take off,” Mark commented, checking his watch. The boat was approaching the shore.
“This was a fun day,” Josie commented. “Thanks for suggesting this boat tour, Nat,” she said to her sister who had come to join them.
“I never get tired of it,” Natalie said. “It’s nice to have you all here to share it with. Maybe we can go on one of their dinner cruises later this week.”
Lily remained quiet until they had disembarked and were on their way to a nearby restaurant Natalie suggested. Before they reached the entrance, Lily knew if she was going to have a chance to talk to Peter, it would have to be now.
“Can I talk to you for a minute,” she asked softly. “Privately, I mean.”
“Right now?”
Not trusting her voice, she nodded and swept some loose strands of hair away from her face.
“Sure,” he shrugged, letting the others know they would be along in a minute.
She pulled her hand from his and turned back toward the lake, leading the way to a deserted spot along the railing. He kept pace with her and appeared curious when she turned back to him.
Subconsciously she fingered her cross pendant hanging around her neck. Tears had begun to well up in her eyes, and one escaped down her cool cheek. She brushed it aside, not feeling ready to do this, but knowing she must.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“Lily? What’s wrong?” Peter asked, narrowing the gap she had attempted to place between them. He gently squeezed her upper arm and tried to pull her closer, but she took a step back. His extended hand hung in mid air for a moment before he slowly drew it back and crossed his arms in front of his chest. He waited for her to speak.
“I need to ask you something,” she said, letting go of the cross pendant and placing her hands in the pockets of her jeans.
Appearing lost and confused by the seriousness in her voice, he waited for her to continue.
“Do you know God, Peter?”
He stared back at her, not appearing to understand the question. “Do I know God?”
She nodded, brushing some wind-blown strands of hair out of her eyes again. The wind was really gusty at the moment.
Peter looked away, staring at something across the lake. He sighed and met her gaze once again, cracking a small smile.
“Do we have to talk about this right now? This sounds like more than a five-minute conversation. I’m planning to call you every chance I get, you know.” He stepped closer and gently rubbed her shoulder and upper back. “Let’s save this for one of those times and enjoy our last hour together, okay?”
“No, Peter,” she spoke softly, using every ounce of strength she had. Stepping away from him once again, she looked into his eyes and continued in a shaky voice. “We need to talk about this now. I need to hear your answer face-to-face, not sometime next week over the phone.”
He stared at her for several seconds, his green eyes appearing more unsettled with each passing moment. “Okay,” he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest once again. “Do I know God? I guess I’m not sure what you mean by that.”
That pretty much answered her question, but she wanted to hear whatever thoughts he had concerning God. She didn’t want to give up hope yet. If she explained what she believed, he might be interested in knowing God like she did.
“Do you have a personal relationship with Him? Do you believe that He created you and loves you? Do you know Jesus Christ?” she asked, feeling prepared to explain herself.
He held up his hands like she was firing off too many questions at once and laughed. “Whoa! Now I know this is more than a five-minute conversation.”
She remained serious. “A simple yes or no will do.”
His smile faded. He dropped his eyes, then turned away from her. She waited for him to speak.
“No, I guess I don’t,” he said without emotion.
She laid her hand on his arm and spoke gently. “It’s not that complicated, Peter. I can explain what I believe and then we can talk about it more--”
“Save your breath, Lily,” he replied without looking at her. “I know my brothers have bought into all that Jesus stuff, but it’s a little too out-there for me. I prefer to think of life as something to live in the here and now, not thinking there has to be some big cosmic plan and some afterlife we’re all headed toward.”
Any hopes that she could lead him into a relationship with God were squelched by his sarcasm. A deep pain entered her heart. She dropped her arm and didn’t know what else to say.
“Come on, baby,” he said, turning to face her and stroking her cheek with his fingertips. His voice had become tender once again. “It’s okay if we don’t believe the same things. If you believe in all that stuff, that’s fine. I’m not going to stop you. Don’t let this come between us, all right?”
She gently removed his fingers from her face. “I can’t do that, Peter. God is a huge part of my life. If we can’t share in that--” She couldn’t even imagine living that kind of reality. She could barely believe they were having this conversation, nor the condescending words that Peter spoke next.
“Sorry I don’t fit into your perfect little world, Lily.”
She went mostly numb then but held her ground. “I’m sorry, Peter, but I won’t bend on this. If you have no interest in God, then we can’t be together.”
“Now who’s being judgmental?”
She caught the comparison he was making between herself and his mother. She decided to avoid getting into an argument with him. She obviously wasn’t going to persuade him to see things her way, especially in the limited amount of time they had. Feeling on the verge of tears, she managed to reply as best she knew how.
“I’m not judging you, Peter. I’m not saying I’m better than you. I’m saying this is who I am and what I believe, and I can’t continue to be in a relationship that could lead to marriage with someone who has no interest in knowing God. My whole world is wrapped up in Him, and without Jesus my life is meaningless. I could love you, I know I could. Maybe I already do, but this isn’t right for me. I’m sorry--”
Peter remained silent. A fleeting look of sadness crossed his face, and he swallowed hard.
“Well, I guess that’s it then,” he said, without looking at her. He turned toward the water and leaned against the railing.
She stood there for several moments unsure of what to do or say. Apparently their conversation was over. Feeling the tears stinging her eyes and the lump in her throat hardening, she decided to walk away b
efore she said anything she might regret.
“Good-bye, Peter.”
“Nice knowing you, Lily,” he tossed over his shoulder. “Have a nice life.”
Her heart broke at the coldness in his voice. She couldn’t believe this was happening. How could he be treating her this way after kissing her with such passion and tenderness? She had gone to bed last night feeling certain she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. How could one conversation about God change everything? How could his heart be open to her but so closed to God?
She didn’t feel like facing the others and walked down the waterfront area to a common plaza, sitting down on a bench to wait for her friends and pray for Peter. She wanted to go back and talk to him some more, trying to convince him to believe as she did, but she didn’t think she could do it. Too many emotions were involved. Walking away and letting God reach his heart was a better option. Not that there was anything good about this, but she had to go with how her heart was leading her.
One of her good friends in college had been down that road of falling in love with someone who did not share her faith. She had been strong at first, but eventually he had drawn her away from God instead of the other way around. She married him and now had two children.
But one night about six months ago, Lily had gotten a call. Her friend’s husband had left. He had decided five years of marriage was long enough. A wife and two children were too much of a burden. Her friend had been shocked and devastated. But Lily wasn’t that shocked. Without knowing and accepting God’s love for himself, he didn’t have the capacity to keep loving his wife if he didn’t want to anymore. Lily knew she was in love with Peter. Discovering he did not believe as she did hadn’t changed that. Letting Marty go had not been nearly as difficult as leaving Peter standing there, but she couldn’t take even one step down that path.
She turned back to see if Peter had possibly followed her, but she didn’t see him. She wondered if he had gone in to eat with the others. Josie came to find her a few minutes later, and she learned he hadn’t.
“Where’s Peter?” Josie asked, glancing around.
“I don’t know,” she replied.
Josie’s eyes filled with concern. She sat down beside her. “What happened?”
“Did you know that Peter doesn’t believe in God?”
Josie appeared confused. “He doesn’t?”
Lily shook her head and the tears came. Josie put her arms around her and let her cry. “I’m sorry, Lily. I knew his parents weren’t believers, but Mark said his brother was the one that led him to Christ. I assumed he meant Peter, but he must have meant Tony.”
Lily felt like her heart was in a vice. Opening it up to Peter had been easy and felt right. How could have she been so wrong? She cried for several minutes and didn’t think she had ever experienced such pain. Her words to Peter returned to her thoughts, and she knew they were true: ‘I could love you--maybe I already do.’ She did.
Josie talked her into coming to have lunch with them. Mark and Natalie appeared curious about why Peter wasn’t with her, but neither of them said anything. When they returned to Natalie’s apartment, Lily saw Peter waiting in his truck for Mark. He never even glanced her way. Mark said good-bye to Josie and then left with Peter.
“I think I missed something,” Natalie commented on the way into the apartment.
Lily didn’t know how to respond. Josie covered for her.
“Lily told Peter she couldn’t see him anymore. He didn’t exactly take it well.”
“Oh,” Natalie said, appearing surprised, but not prying further. “Well, it’s just us girls now, and you too, Tommy,” she said, squeezing his small shoulders. “Let the fun begin.”
Natalie’s carefree spirit had been making her smile all day, but now her sweet attitude and laughter couldn’t find a place in her hollow heart. She remained with the others for about an hour and then went to bed early. But she couldn’t sleep until well after Josie had come to bed too. She found herself questioning God more and more as the hours went by.
Why had He brought Peter into her life? Why did she have such a strong desire for a man she couldn’t be with? Could she even dare to hope Peter might come around someday and choose to believe as she did? Did God want her to wait for that, or was it best to forget about him and go back to Devin’s awaiting arms? Had her heart misled her? Had Peter’s kisses somehow skewed her judgment and made her have feelings for him that were only based on infatuation and excitement? Or did he honestly touch her heart like no other man ever had?
Was he the one God meant for her to be with, but his choices would keep them apart, and she would never find another man to make her happy?
She didn’t feel any better the next day or for the rest of the week, and she began to question if her beliefs were worth this much pain and sacrifice. She had already given up Marty because of the way she felt God leading her. Now she had let go of Peter. She had the sinking feeling God was going to ask her to give up Devin too, rather than letting her pretend she had feelings for him that went beyond friendship. After the strong way she had felt about Peter, she didn’t think she did.
I’ve told you I’d follow you anywhere, God. I’ve always given you first place in my life, believing you would bless me and lead me down the right path. But I’m having a hard time understanding this and trusting you.
Why don’t you want me to share my life with someone? Why do I have such a longing to get married and have children if that’s not what you have for me? Please help me in my unbelief. I don’t know if my faith can withstand this.
After returning to Portland and getting back to her normal day-to-day life, Lily debated about whether or not to tell Devin she didn’t think they were meant to be together. She had planned on telling him as soon as she returned, but when he welcomed her with eagerness and several heart-stopping kisses, she had faltered, not wanting to let him go. She didn’t think she could handle being alone right now, and maybe Devin was the one she was meant to be with. Maybe all of that had happened with Peter to show her that.
But after two weeks of pretending she was fine, she finally gave in to the gentle but unmistakable nudging God was placing in her heart. Devin had taken her out to dinner, and they had returned to her apartment too early for her to use sleep as an excuse to keep from inviting him in. Devin seemed to have one thing in mind once they had settled themselves on the couch in the living room, and she wasn’t surprised by his tender affection.
But the more his kisses grew in intensity, the more she imagined Peter was the one holding her in his arms and stirring her heart with such passion. It wasn’t the first time since her return that Peter had entered her heart and mind during such moments. She was able to shut him out most of the time: keeping busy at work, getting out of the apartment, spending time with Devin, and listening to music at night so she had something to occupy her thoughts besides him.
But whenever Devin kissed her, all she could think about was the few she had shared with Peter. She imagined his hands were stroking her arms and her back, and his lips were caressing her own, and his heart was melding with hers, not Devin.
Devin was nothing but sweet. Devin made her feel beautiful--as outwardly desirable as she perceived him to be. But he didn’t have her heart. He didn’t make her feel like she could never live her life without him.
“I’m sorry, Devin,” she said, pushing herself away and rising to her feet. “I can’t do this anymore.”
He remained seated, not appearing to understand her sudden withdrawal. She knew she had been kissing him more intensely than she ever had before. She crossed the room and then turned back to face him, not able to find the words. He rose and came to meet her.
“I’m sorry if I was getting carried away,” he said. “I never want to do more than you’re comfortable with.”
“It’s not that,” she said. “You are always a perfect gentleman, Devin. In fact you are practically perfect in every way, which makes this so hard for me t
o say.”
He waited for her to explain, appearing understandably confused, like he didn’t have a clue what this was about.
“When you kiss me, I can’t stop thinking about someone else. I’ve tried, but it only keeps getting worse.”
His gaze became tender. “If you need more time to get over Marty, I understand,” he said, gently touching her cheek. “I’m sorry I’ve tried to rush things.”
“It’s not Marty I’m thinking about.”
He appeared lost. She went back to the couch, waited for him to come sit beside her, and explained everything, starting with, ‘His name is Peter,’ and telling him who he was, how she had met him, and what had happened when she had been in California. She could see every word crushing Devin’s hopes, and it broke her heart to be telling him all this, but she knew continuing to lie to him would be even worse.
“I feel like I should forget about him and let go, but I can’t. He has my heart somehow, and I think God is saying I have to be away from him now, but not necessarily forever.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“Yes. It’s different than when I was with Marty, and it’s different than being with you. I can’t explain it, but it’s there, and I can’t let go.”
He didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
As hard as being ignored by men for so long had been, saying good-bye to three that she cared for was a thousand times harder. She felt like a terrible person who had made so many mistakes in all of this, and yet she wasn’t sure how she could have done it differently.
“I’m sorry to lose you, Lily,” Devin said softly. “But don’t be sorry for being honest.”
Lily Fields (Garden of Love 1) Page 16
