by Kara Hart
Then I think of what could be. Waking up in a better house than my own and hearing the sounds of footsteps downstairs. Running down the stairs to find my kids throwing cereal at each other.
I imagine the messes I’ll have to clean up and the diapers I’ll have to change. I think about the garden I’ll have to help Olivia maintain and the bills we’d have to pay.
There’s life in that kind of dream. There’s the opportunity for more of everything. That’s what this is.
It’s a fucking blessing for those who can feel this way. For those who are stuck on the outside, it seems like a curse.
I come out of my daydreams and I turn around, smiling.
“What’s so funny?” she asks me.
“Nothing,” I say.
“You’re hiding something,” she says.
“No, I’m not. I just love you. I can’t imagine a life without you,” I say.
But I am, of course, hiding something. I’m hiding a big secret. I’m going to marry this woman. In just a few days, I think I’m going to propose to her.
Chapter 26: Olivia
“Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” they tell you.
And as I stare out his window, I have to think that I hit the jackpot with finding Cole again. No more distance. No more worries. It’s just us now.
“It’s weird to think about the gap between now and before,” I say.
“What do you mean, baby?” he asks.
He clutches his body around mine as he sips on his coffee, completely naked.
“Remember everything that happened after we broke up in high school? There was just so much that happened in between that time ’til now. I just wonder about all the memories we’ve both made. It’s sad that we couldn’t experience everything with each other,” I say.
“There’s not much to talk about on my end.” He chuckles. “There were lots of bad decisions. I lived a broken life, and I was lonely as hell. I was lucky to find a good group of guys at the station, but I would have traded that in an instant just to fix things with you back then. What about you? What did you do after we first broke up?”
“I went to college and got my bachelor’s degree. I also made some bad decisions, but some good ones too. After school, I went backpacking in South America for a while. Then, I went to Europe. Six months of traveling non stop will make you want to settle down for a bit,” I say. “I wish you went with me though. I would have had more fun sharing that experience with someone.”
He looks impressed and slightly confused.
“Wait, you travelled for six months?” he asks. “I never knew you did that.”
“Yeah,” I giggle. “It was a dream of mine, ever since I was a little girl. Well, it was one of them, anyway. I wanted to see the world and fall in love.”
“With someone overseas, you mean,” he says.
“No,” I laugh and grasp his arm, feeling his strength. “I wanted to come back and fall in love. I didn’t think it would actually happen, though. I thought that I might be alone forever.”
Still, he looks shocked. “How could the most beautiful woman in the world be alone forever? That’s impossible. You must’ve had men drooling over you every time you went out,” he says.
I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe. The guys who came up to me at bars in college were all losers. It’s kind of what you’d expect from a college experience, but I was young and had no idea it took men so long to mature.”
“Yeah, well. We’re taught to behave like animals.” He laughs.
“And right before I met you, I was going through an existential crises, I guess. I felt like I was getting too old to ever find someone and I had stopped going out and looking for Mr. Right years ago,” I admit. “I was turning into an old cat lady.”
“Who’s Mr. Right?” he asks.
“You know. Prince Charming. The One,” I laugh. “Everything they tell little girls to keep their eyes peeled for. Maybe it’s pathetic, but I think a lot of us are waiting for the one guy to sweep us off our feet. Like, I actually would go to the bar wondering to myself, ‘Is he the one? Is he the one who’s going to love me forever?’”
“It’s not pathetic,” he says, running his fingers through my hair. “Guys do it too.”
“No you don’t,” I laugh. “You go out looking for hot chicks to bang.”
“Sure,” he says. “But deep down, we’re wondering, ‘Is this the one who I will fight for every day?’ For me, though, it was a little different.”
“What do you mean different?” I ask.
“It also sounds pathetic,” he says. “You broke my heart. Or at least, the rumor did. I was impressionable back then. I mean, it was high school. We were in love and in an instant, the foundations of my life collapsed from underneath my feet. My whole world was shattered. I vowed never to give myself fully to anyone ever again and now I’m breaking that vow.”
“You promise?” I ask in a moment of weakness.
“I vow to take the opposite path. I’m in this for as long as you can take it, kitten,” he says. “I just can’t think of a life without you now.”
I’ve never had a man say those words to me before. I’ve heard, “I love you,” but for some reason, those words are used far too often. Sometimes, that sentence doesn’t even mean anything. Cole makes his intent known, not only through his language, but also through his actions.
“I’m incredibly lucky to have you,” I tell him.
The day is spent lounging around his house, watching movies, and drinking coffee. When we get too tired of the indoors, we step outside and breathe in the fresh air on his porch.
Ultimately, we decide to take a walk, holding hands and listening as the seagulls fly above our heads. We talk in depth about the future. The world, what kind of movies he likes (80’s action films), and where he’d like to live in the next ten years. “The beach,” we say at the same time.
“Or,” I say, “Pennsylvania.”
“Pennsylvania?” he smiles. “That’s kind of random.”
“No, it’s not,” I say. “Remember when we went with your parents? We both had a lot of fun there.”
“Holy shit,” he laughs. “We did go, didn’t we?”
All of these memories flood back into our minds. It’s odd how we blocked them out all this time, as if they never even happened. But the whisper of the dream still remained in our hearts after all these years.
“Do you ever wonder if the world is spinning too fast? Sometimes, I get scared. There’s so much bad right now in the world,” I say.
He smiles and reaches into his pocket. Sitting at a nearby bench, he reaches into his jacket. He pulls out a flask and hands it to me.
“Have no fear. Whisky is here,” he says.
“You’re not scared at all?” I ask him.
If he’s scared, I know that he won’t show it.
“Hell no. When we’re with each other, we have all the power in the world. Things can get hectic around the world and, sometimes, you have to act fast. But I’m not going to live a life in fear,” he says.
“Good answer,” I say.
“It’s the honest truth,” he says.
We both take in our surroundings.
“It really is. Can you believe the sky?”
We both look ahead of ourselves, into the horizon. The sky has a beautiful, vibrant pink and orange hue to it. It quickly turns darker and darker, mixing into a color I haven’t even seen before.
The snow around us begun melting, but a few snowflakes fall near our feet.
“It’s fucking perfect,” he says. He holds the flask of whisky into the air, as if he’s saying “cheers” to the sun. We both sit in silence as the light ducks behind some buildings.
“I was thinking today, when I was making coffee in the morning. I sort of dozed off when I saw the liquid pouring into the pot,” he says. “I thought about what my life would have been without you.”
I sit up and stare at him. “You’re already thinking about life wit
hout me? Jeeze,” I say. “Kind of dark.”
“I was going over what my days would be like. You know, going to the station, working out every now and then, eating like a pig… that sort of thing,” he says. “And it was just awful. It was like in that Scrooge story. I went through my life. In the end, I was so unhappy. I had nothing important to remember.”
“If you’re making this up to get me in bed tonight, you can stop now. It’s already going to happen,” I say.
“No, I’m being serious. I had a second daydream too and that was what we could have together if we keep this going,” he says, taking another swig.
He hands me the bottle of whisky and laughs to himself.
“And? Don’t keep me in suspense,” I say.
“I don’t know. It was just perfect. There was life there. There was purpose. There was everything good,” he says.
The sunset completely disappears and we’re stuck in the cold darkness.
But there is a light. There is light inside of our bodies.
“This is love,” I think to myself. Finally, I’ve found it. The light at the end of the tunnel.
Chapter 27: Cole
Dan calls us without any warning. Eric is pissed. He doesn’t want anything to do with him.
Olivia is sitting calmly next to me. I’m just trying to hold everything down. I want to hear Dan out. In the end, I want to restore peace. It’s almost Christmas, after all.
“Look, boys. I’m sorry about all of that shit. I’m a dumbass. Okay? I’ll admit it. I sometimes act too hastily. It gets the best of me,” Dan says.
I put him on speakerphone so we can all hear him. He’s pacing around the room, and he’s red in the face.
“It’s alright,” I say.
“No, it’s not alright!” Eric says.
“Eric, it’s fine.” I eye him. “He’s going to be okay. In all fairness, I’ve done worse things in my life. I’m not mad at you. I just want to do this story justice. You understand? We lost a lot of people that day.”
“I understand,” Dan says. “And I respect you guys. I don’t want to stand in the way of this.”
“Alright,” Eric says.
Dan continues. “Let’s meet up in a couple of days. I’ll tell the whole film crew too. We’ll make a day out of it. Lunch is on me,” he says.
“Cameras?” I ask.
He never said anything about any cameras. Eric glances at me with hesitance.
“Yeah. Let’s get this thing online. We’ll run the story, front page in the Sunday paper. And at night, we’ll have our crew film a piece about it,” he says. “The younger generation will watch it. The older generation will read it.”
“Fine,” I say. “Two days. See you then, Dan.”
Eric has turned an even deeper shade of red. He looks terrified. “I should have never agreed to this, man,” he says.
I laugh. It’s pretty entertaining seeing him sweat like this.
“What’s wrong? Don’t like the cameras?” I ask.
“Fucking hate them,” he mutters.
“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. Just tell them how it went down,” I say.
“Easy for you to say,” he sighs. “You’re charismatic.”
Olivia chimes in this time. “What exactly did happen that night?” she asks. She tiptoes up to me, and kisses my shoulder. “I don’t mean to pry. But you haven’t told me yet.”
I gulp down. Suddenly, I feel hot, as if the room is one hundred and eighty degrees.
I open my eyes again and I’m the fire. The flames surround me. I look down at my palms. The skin is black and burnt.
Big, dark fumes fly past me. “Get down!” Eric screams.
He tackles me to the hot cement. I roll back onto my feet. “We have to leave!” he yells.
His cries are muffled and distant. All I can do is shake my head. No. I can’t leave. I can’t leave them.
“The rest of our men are in here, God dammit!” I scream.
He tries to push me back, but I don’t let him win. Eric’s eyes reflect the image of the flames. It’s horrifying.
“They’re gone!” He says. “They’re all fucking gone.”
And that’s when I wake up. That’s when everything becomes reality again.
I look at Olivia and feel too overwhelmed to even begin. “All you have to know is that they weren’t found. That night, the fire won.”
“Cole, just tell her, man,” Eric murmurs. His eyes reveal the pain we both share.
“You don’t have to,” she says.
But I know that if we’re going to be serious, I have to tell her. I sit down and put my palms against my face.
“It was a bad period in my life, already. I was set to lose my house. I felt alone. I was really questioning everything in my life,” I say. “And then I got this opportunity to help people. I got a side gig, another volunteer job. It was one of those big brother programs.”
“Dennis,” Eric says.
“Dennis Jefferson,” I say. “I grew to know the kid. I saw him through everything. I watched him graduate. And… he was just one of many guys we lost in that warehouse fire.”
“I lost Katelyn, my girlfriend,” Eric says. His gaze is distant. “Anyway, shit happens. Right?”
That’s his way of dealing. Blocking it out. It’s kind of what all the guys do.
“I’m sorry,” Olivia says.
What else can she say? I never wanted her to share this with me. This is something we knew could happen. It’s the life of the firefighter.
“Two days,” I say. “Maybe after that, things can be normal again.”
Eric creases his eyes. “I hope so, man.”
Olivia and I walk outside, toward my car. Inside, the heater blows with extreme force. I look at her with honest eyes. She takes my hand and smiles warmly.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” she says.
I look away. The memory stings too much. I know that it’s the only thing that has kept Eric and I from coming back to the station.
If things were fine with us, the chief probably would have let us lead the team again. In all honesty, I haven’t even talked to the man in months.
“I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but I do. When it all happened, I woke up in an ambulance. Man, I fought those guys off me for a good while. I wanted to go back in the fire,” I say.
“You did all that you could,” she says.
I look out the window. The frost has started to melt from the heater. Outside, I can see people’s Christmas lights shining brightly through their windows.
“I just want that,” I say, pointing at the lights. “A nice Christmas with you. The past is the past. I can learn to let go. The only gift I need is you.”
Chapter 28: Olivia
Cole walks into my house, clutching the biggest Christmas tree I’ve ever seen in his hand. My cat immediately jumps back and hisses. It jumps into the branches.
“It might be a little big.” He laughs.
I help him stand it up. The top barely touches the ceiling. Just right.
“No, it’s perfect!” I exclaim.
“I brought a bunch of old ornaments over too. I thought we could decorate the tree together,” he says.
I jump up to kiss him. He catches me in his strong arms.
“It’s our first Christmas together,” I say. “Are you nervous? It’s a big deal. It means we’re official.”
“Shit. Now I’m terrified,” he jokes.
“Here, I’ll help you wrap the lights around,” I say.
I grab the string of lights from his bag and start at the top. We begin winding around, delicately. My cat continues to hiss at both of us.
“For real. I’m excited about this Christmas. I think it’s going to mark a new beginning for us,” I say.
“Me too,” he says.
“Almost done,” I whisper.
We stand back and look at the tree. I flip the switch on and laugh when the lights shine crooked. It’s a total disaster.
/> “It’s beautiful,” he says.
“To notch work, I’d say.”
“Want to go to bed?” he asks me. I nod and kiss his shoulder.
We keep the lights on to shine through the window.
I love staying at his house, wearing his big shirt to bed, and I’m obsessed with the way he holds me at night.
“Are you nervous about the interview at all?” I ask him.
Probably a stupid question, but he smiles nonetheless. He actually looks really calm about the whole thing.
“Nah, I’m not nervous,” he says. “I’m eager in a way, really. I just want to move on with my life. I feel like I’m almost there, you know?”
“That’s a good attitude,” I say.
“We should get to bed,” he says. “We have to meet Dan early.”
His hand rests against the side of my thigh, fingers grasping around my skin. He can’t let go.
He smiles at me and looks right at my lips. I know what he wants.
“I thought we needed to get to bed.” I laugh and move closer to the center of his pants.
He tilts his head back. “Well…”
He runs his hand against my cheek and up, through my hair. I unzip his pants slowly. It springs out in front of me.
He moans loudly. I step over his lap and slowly lower my pussy. It wraps around his cock, lovingly. “Fuck!” he grunts, smacking my ass.
“Perfection,” he keeps whispering, while I slowly slide my pussy over the tip of his throbbing cock.
I slide him in, every last inch. He grabs my chin and snakes his tongue around mine. I can feel every ridge push inside of me.
I cup his balls as they compact, feeling hard. And when he shakes, I let my lips and tongue caress them. I tongue at every sensitive corner, as he begins to pull my hair back.
When I start to move faster, sliding him in as far as he can go, I don’t choke. I let him do the work, opening my mouth wide. He thrusts slow and confident, holding my hair in his palms. He cums within minutes and I swallow every drop.
