“Welcome home, baby,” my husband, said snapping me from my thoughts.
I turned and looked at him. “Uh . . . hey.” I was at a loss for words. What was he up to? It was nice to see that he was fully clothed.
“I have a surprise for you.” He smiled suspiciously.
I opened my eyes wide in shock and wondered what he was up to now. I had a dream not too long ago that I came home and my husband had called himself surprising me with a newborn baby that he had adopted! I stood there and hoped that bad dream hadn’t come true.
“Why are you looking like that?” he asked as he took my hand.
“I want to know what’s going on,” I said softly. I looked into his eyes and walked slowly as he pulled me toward our spacious kitchen. I was so thrown off, that I hadn’t smelled the aroma coming from the cooked food that was prepared nicely on the kitchen table. My husband had made a candlelight dinner for me, and there were a dozen red roses placed in a vase in the center of the table.
I smiled broadly and said, “Honey, this is beautiful. Thank you.” I passionately kissed him on his lips. Without a word, he grinned as he pulled my seat out. I sat down; then he scooted me up to the table. While the music played in the background, he fixed my plate. He made baked tilapia, fried shrimp, garlic mashed potatoes, garlic bread, and broccoli. The food looked delicious. Jonathan was a great cook, and this was not anything new. He loved pampering me.
He sat beside me and said, “It seems like lately we haven’t been spending enough time together. So I wanted to make this meal for you, and after you are finished eating, I have something else for you.” He looked into my eyes and smiled jauntily at me; then he took my fork and fed me my dinner. Why was he so darn happy? I wondered. His face was going to crack from all the smiling he was doing.
When my plate was empty, he walked me to our master bathroom, where the jetted tub was filled with water. He turned the hot water on to heat it up; then he took my clothes off, one piece at a time. First, he unbuttoned my blouse and tossed it gently to the side; then he unzipped my jeans, pulling them off slowly. Why couldn’t he yank my clothes off, smack me on the butt, and make love to me on the bathroom sink? When he grabbed my hand, he snapped me from my thoughts. He helped me as I stepped into the tub. I wanted to slap his hand and tell him I knew how to get in the tub by my damn self. He then got on his knees and took my sponge, lathered it up, and he wiped me down as the water from the jets messaged my body. I was full and relaxed. I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep right there.
“How does this feel?” He squeezed the sponge, and the warm water ran down my back.
“It feels really good,” I answered. My head rested on the back of the tub. He lifted my leg and washed my foot.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying this because I wanted your body to be relaxed. Because I feel really good about tonight. I think tonight will be that night when you will become pregnant with our baby.” His eyes brimmed with joy.
“Ugh,” I sighed loudly. “You just messed up the mood,” I hissed. I got out of the tub and searched frantically for a towel to cover my body.
“What’s wrong, Sasha? What did I do?” His voice cracked as he followed me to the bedroom.
“Why can’t you just stop pressuring me about having a baby?” I shouted.
“What?” He was stunned.
“I wish you would stop thinking so hard about putting a baby in me every time we have sex. I wish that you would devour my body like you are a wild animal, and I’m your prey,” I spat at him through narrowed eyes.
“What?” He looked at me confused, like I was speaking another language, and he had no idea what I was saying. Well, to him, that was a language that he didn’t know, but I wished he would learn. Did I have to go purchase some XXX videos for him to watch?
“When we make love, I wished you didn’t treat my body like it’s a damn delicate rose petal. I wish you would take me in your arms and handle me roughly. I’m tired of the slow and boring lovemaking sessions we have. I need a change,” I demanded, and I waited for his response.
He paused for a minute as if he was trying to take in the words that were just thrown at him. “What has gotten in you?” He looked at me through squinted eyes. His body was tight as he stood directly in front of me.
I saw that I was not getting to him. “Never mind. I’m going to bed.” I huffed and turned my back toward him. I was frustrated. I grew up listening to my aunts talk about how men should take the lead. I wasn’t about to sit there and tell my husband what he needed to do to satisfy me. He’s the man, and I wanted him to take control and give me what I needed.
He tightly grabbed hold of my arm and said, “Don’t you walk away from me. I need you to tell me where this is all coming from.” His voice was stern.
“Our sex life has been the same since we’ve dated. How come you can’t do things out of the ordinary? Things that will excite me? I want you to turn me on. Put this fierce flame out that has been burning inside of me,” I said as I posed for him. Then I put my hands on my hips, and I grinded those hips.
“What are you trying to say? I don’t satisfy you anymore?” His voice was low, and his face was stained in sorrow.
Duh! I could see that my words were like a bullet straight to his heart. But I needed to get this of my chest. “I’m not happy. I wish you would stop thinking about having kids and make love to me like you want me, and not a baby. I have needs, and they are not being met sexually.”
“Sasha . . . I thought you wanted to have a baby.” He sat on the edge of the bed as if he no longer had the strength to stand.
“Since when?” I snapped. He was beginning to sound like a broken record, which irritated me even more. Was he still talking about a damn baby?
“Since we lost . . . Johnasia.” It looked as if he was about to cry when he said her name.
I didn’t try to comfort him. “I never gave you a reason to think that I wanted to become pregnant again. I knew that you wanted another child. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, so I just listened to you. But I never told you that I wanted any more children.”
“Are you seriously telling me that right now? You know I always wanted to have kids. Now, you telling me you don’t want one, and you telling me you haven’t said anything because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings?” He got up and paced the floor.
“I’m sorry, Jonathan.” I held my head low in sadness.
“I can’t believe this. Why . . . Why don’t you want my seed?” His voice began to rise hysterically.
“Because I don’t think I will be a good parent,” I said with no feeling. I was tired of him screaming at me.
“Sasha, you are so damn selfish.” He gave me a scorching look. “Everything always has to be about you. All I do for you, and you treat me this way. All this time, I’ve been trying to have a baby, and all along, you didn’t even want one. This is unbelievable.” He spoke through clenched teeth. “I’m out of here. I need some time to think.” He stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door behind him.
I sat on the bed and stared at the door after he was long gone. I was upset that he was hurt. But I was glad to get that off my chest. I wondered where our marriage stood after the way he left. He may not want to continue what we have, and to tell the truth, I don’t think I did either.
11
Melody
Before Rayn and I made our trip to the mall, I had to do a photo shoot. My mind had been so distracted with Rodney’s behind that I was starting to put my business on the back burner. I needed to get myself together. I shouldn’t let no one come before my money. The doorbell rang, and when I answered it, there was a woman and her baby girl dressed in the same type of floral sundresses. They looked stunning.
“Um, how you doing? My name is Kim, and I’m here to get me and my daughter’s pictures taken,” the woman said as she chewed on a wade of gum. Her daughter swarmed on her hip.
“Hello and welcome to Rayn’s Photography. I’m Melody
, and I will be taking your photos today,” I greeted them with a smile.
“Come on down. Your daughter is beautiful,” I said as they followed me down the few stairs to my photo studio. I loved what I did. I had made photography my career after I graduated from college, and I have had my in-home studio for going on four years. I loved capturing family photos, but I also loved being the photographer at weddings. I get a few calls to take photos at special events around the city. I was in desperate need for a building, but for now, my business was in the lower level of my house.
My studio was set up real nice. I had my own backgrounds and props. I put a lot of money into my cameras and lighting equipment. I was professional about mine, and I wasn’t going to be caught taking no janky pictures. I needed returning customers. I had bills to pay.
The mother-daughter session went well. Kim was kind of ghetto. I had to tell her to spit out her gum because she wouldn’t stop chewing on it to take a photo. Her makeup was flawless, and her hair was tight. Her neatly braided micros were pulled on top of her head in a bun. Her three-month-old daughter’s jet-black, curly, mini’fro was pulled back with an elastic headband with a small flower in the front that matched her dress. After the session was over, I asked her where she found out about my studio. She told me she saw my flyer at her man’s house. I didn’t ask her what his name was because I probably didn’t know him. My cards were everywhere. I was grateful that she found out about me and that she supports black-owned businesses.
* * *
Rayn and I walked into Westfield Mall. My daughter loved going shopping. She was becoming a teen, and she loved nice things. She wasn’t a girly girl. She didn’t care too much about getting her hair done; she loved just wearing an Afro puff. I tried getting her some braids just to change up her style, but she told me that she didn’t want to have weave in her hair because people would know it’s not hers. I told her it would be paid for, so it would be hers. She didn’t wear jewelry not even earrings, and she didn’t keep her nails polished either. But she liked wearing sundresses and cute shoes.
I didn’t like shopping at the mall because it seemed that all the clothes that were on the racks were made with floral designs and styles just for teens. But I had decided to come to look for bras. It was so hard for me to find a good fitted bra. I would shop at an expensive store like Victoria’s Secrets and purchase one bra for thirty dollars or more. At the store, it would feel right when I tried it on in the fitting room, but once I got home and after wearing it a few times, my 34DDs would spill out of the top of the bra. It was hard to find size 34DDs, so I had to sometimes buy 36DDs. I wished I could just find a store where I could find a bra that fits.
“Mom, this dress is so cute. Can I get it?” Rayn said excited while holding a long, black and tan halter dress.
“That’s cute. Yes, you can get it, but remember, your limit is forty-five dollars,” I said. I searched the racks looking for a pair of jeans since this store didn’t carry bras. After Rayn picked out a few things, I paid for them; then we headed to JCPenney’s.
I found me a few bras, tried them on, and I prayed they’d work out after I washed them at home. Rayn started to look at more dresses. “Stay over here in this area. I’ll be back, I’m going to the misses department to look at the Levi’s.”
“Kay, Ma,” Rayn said as she combed through the racks.
As I looked through the shelf covered with neatly folded jeans, the scent of a nice masculine-smelling cologne lingered in my nose. I lifted my head up and saw Dominic.
“Hey, Melody, long time no see.” Dominic smiled and walked over to me and gave me a hug.
“Hey, Dominic, it’s been a long time no see,” I smiled. I have not seen him in over five years. The last time I saw him, it was at the liquor store, and it was brief. He was buying liquor, and I was playing the lotto. We spoke, and he gave me his number, but I didn’t call him because I was in a relationship.
“What you been up to?” he grinned. He always smiled, showing his pretty whites, and I loved seeing his smile.
“Nothing; just working. How about you?” I eyed him up and down just to see how he was looking. He was dressed in sweatpants, a tee shirt, and some dusty-looking sneakers. He was looking kind of dingy to be at the mall.
“I just got off work. I rode up here with my mom and sister to get me a pair of shoes.”
I noticed the bag from Foot Locker in his right hand. Then he continued, “How is Rayn doing?”
“She’s good; she’s over there somewhere looking at some things.” I pointed toward the Junior Department.
“I know she might not recognize me. How old is she now?” he grinned.
“She’s twelve going on twenty-one.” We both laughed. “But she’s a good kid.”
“You not married yet?” he asked, looking down at my ring hand.
“No.” I smacked my lips and waved my hand in his face. “No ring.”
“Well, let me get your number.” He took his phone out of his pocket. I told him my number, and he saved it under his contacts.
“What are you doing tonight?” he asked, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I might head out to Club Headliners with my cousins.”
“Well, I might just see you out there then. We can catch up and get a few drinks.”
“Okay,” I said; then he rubbed the side of my face gently. I wanted to move back. I didn’t know where his hands had been. As he walked away, I told him to tell his mom I said hi. And he nodded.
Dominic and I dated about eight years ago. He and Omar Epps could pass for twin brothers. He looked just like the young Omar when he played in Love & Basketball. They have the same eyes and lips, and they both had the same complexion. I would sometimes smile at him and call him Omar because it was crazy how much they looked alike. We dated for about two years. Our families were close. My mother used to date his uncle. He would joke and say that we could have been kissing cousins.
Dominic was cool when we were together, but we were young, and I would always suspect him of cheating. That was when Rayn’s dad and I had broken up because he’d cheated on me. So when I got in the relationship with Dominic, it was just hard for me to trust him because I had been hurt before. I had never caught Dominic cheating on me, but he got tired of me accusing him of it.
I hoped he did pop up at the club tonight. That would make Rodney jealous. And I would be sure to throw it in his face. I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. “Come on, Rayn, it’s time to go to my favorite clothing store, Dots.” Rayn followed behind me as I walked out of the mall. I was about to find something that would make all the boys turn their heads when I walked through the door, especially Rodney’s. I grinned to myself.
12
Sasha
The buzz from my alarm clock woke me from the nightmare I was enduring while I slept. I jumped up. My silk nightgown was drenched in sweat, and so was my pillowcase. In the nightmares, I would be in a state of panic, locked in a dark room with hardly no room to breathe. I would be left for dead. Sometimes I would even be locked in a coffin, screaming and kicking, hoping that someone would hear my cry and save me from the distress I was in. But the night terror would always end the same. No one ever came to my rescue.
I looked at my husband’s side of the bed. It was empty. He had not come home last night after the argument we had. I didn’t really care. I was going to plan on having a peaceful day. I read a few chapters in the novel that I had gotten from the library. I also wrote a chapter in my erotic manuscript. I was excited because when I put my mind to it, I was able to develop my character and scene quickly and creatively. The short story I was working on would soon be a novel if I kept writing like I was. When I sat down and starting typing, I would get like 2,000 words in at a time. I didn’t know I had it in me, but I was really thinking about getting my work published. I could see myself as the next Zane, being a top Essence bestselling author, having my own XXX late-night TV show on HBO, and even a hit movie from one of my nove
ls on the big screen. Yes, I dreamt big. If she could do it, I could too.
I was getting tired of looking at the walls, so I made plans to step out to the club with Melody and Asia in a few hours. The club scene was becoming the only place we could have fun. The part of Ohio where we lived was so boring; the only fun things to do at night were bowling, movies, or clubs. So I chose the club scene. I needed to get lit.
I decided to give David a call just to say hello. We talked for about thirty minutes. I found out that he was the business manager at AT&T. He had no kids and didn’t want any. Not that it mattered, but we had that in common. He told me he would stop by the club tonight to get another dance. I told him that didn’t sound like a bad idea. I looked forward to seeing him. He made me feel sexy and free, feelings that my husband had never brought out of me.
I strolled through the doors of Club Headliners, and Asia and Melody frolicked behind me. Tonight was ladies’ night. The men were gawking and drooling like hulks, and we were their prey. We walked over to the bar, and before we could order, some guy with a serious overbite crammed his body in front of me.
“Damn, damn, damn! Y’all sho’ are the sexiest women up in here. Can I have the pleasure of buying your drinks?” He grinned as he looked at me but was talking to all three of us. He then waved two twenties in the air.
No Perfect Affair Page 5
